[zamalanany]

Appreciate if I can get some insight / advice regarding my situation. Let me first apologise in advance for the lengthy message (I’ve been told that I can be pretty long-winded!)

I am 26 and currently in a relationship with a woman 11 years older than myself. We’ve been together 8 months and the first 6 months was absolutely amazing. When we started out and as our relationship progressed, we connected at every level and everything was blissful. We loved spending time with each other, share the same core values and are extremely comfortable with each other… we just fitted like a glove. It didn’t matter that there is a considerable gap between our ages… not until recently.

Two months ago she started distancing herself from me and I confronted her about it. She said she was starting to doubt our future. She is at the stage of life where she wants to settle down and start a family whereas I have just started to build a career. For a relationship like ours, I understand that age becomes a factor when it comes to the woman’s fertility, if the couple decides that they want children. For me, I know I want to settle down and have children with her. People can comment that I am choosing love over career, but what’s wrong with that? Why can’t I have both love and career together? It may be difficult but it’s definitely not achievable.

Our main issue is that our being together is met with strong disapproval from our parents. We have told our mums about each other and have both met with negative responses. My mother disapproves of our relationship, period. I am pretty sure that my dad will think the same. However, I am ready to defy my parents to be with her if I have to. This is my decision to make and it will be me spending the rest of my life with her, not my parents.

From her mother’s point of view, she would be married to a man whose parents would despise her, whose parents may constantly give negative remarks, etc. Her mother also mentioned that because of the different stages of life that we are at, 10 years, 20 years down the road when I am at my peak, she would be in her decline and I would begin to see her differently and despise her as well.

Her mother’s opinions greatly affected her and it sparked a secondary issue. She is concerned that above-mentioned ‘inevitable’ might happen some time down the road and that she will be the cause of my disagreements and quarrels with my family, that I would be so pressurised that I give up on this relationship. My girlfriend had in the past dated other guys and they ended also because of parental disapproval (from the guy’s side). Because of this history, she is certain that we will not end well and that she is not willingly to try… and she also does not have the luxury of time to try.

After a serious talk, she decided that it was better to end things. At the time, I was devastated but agreed because I wanted to respect her decision. A week later, however, I told her that I wanted and need her in my life and I wanted to persuade her to see things the way I do. But now even as we are still together, it seems like I am the only one remaining strong, optimistic and hopeful. It seems like I am the only one fighting for our future. For her to continue pushing me away and distancing herself, this does not help matters a single bit. She is convinced that love will eventually fade and that when it does, I might start to see things differently and as a result, leave her.

I have no doubt that she is the one – I really want to marry her sometime in future and walk the rest of my life journey with her. I am not afraid of commitment and I have complete confidence in my own faith and loyalty to her as my wife. However, I cannot do this alone… I need her beside me as we walk forward together and tackle whatever obstacles that come our way.

Should I carry on fighting for us… or should I let her go?

[AskApril Masini]

Your age difference is not the problem here. The problem is that something her mother has said rings true to her. When you’re dating someone it’s important to figure out what they want in their lives, what you want in yours — and whether your time frames mesh well. It sounds like you’re willing to start a family even though you’re not where you’d like to be in your career — but she is really hoping for someone who is further ahead in his career so she doesn’t have to wonder what the future will bring. She’ll have a better idea of it, based on his past. There’s no point in passing judgment on someone’s thoughts when you’re dating — but it is a great idea to look for compatibility. 😉 It sounds like you’ve told her you’re okay with starting a family, but that isn’t enough for her. And she’s worried about having future in-laws who aren’t welcoming — while you’re ready to stand up to parents as an adult, she’s not. Rather than focus on who’s right and who’s wrong, it’s important to focus on compatibility, again, and see if this is a relationship that’s “got legs” and can go the long run. When you’re in agreement on basic lifestyle issues, it’s a lot easier. It really doesn’t sound like she’s game for a long-term commitment any more. You can, as you put it, fight to convince her, but really — why should you? After eight months of dating, it’s time to decide whether or not this is a going to be a committed relationship with marriage and kids, which is what she wants. If she can’t decide, or her answer is no, but she’s dating you out of inertia, then it’s in your best interest to do what’s right for you and move on. 😉

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