[cat104]

I really need some advice, another perspective, I am so confused right now…

My now boyfriend and I met while he was traveling and we‘ve were dating long distance, seeing each other every second weekend, for almost a year before he moved to be with me.

This morning we were using his laptop to watch TV shows from Netflix, he goes to work, and up pops a message from Skype. I go to close it and wow what do I find.

He has been regularly talking to this girl at 2 or 3am for months and she has been sharing with him how sexually frustrated she is, how she can‘t figure out what to do about it. And the obscene suggestions I read after this point, which came from my boyfriend, physically sicken me to think that he said these things while every day professing his love for me. Saying he cares about me. Saying how much he wants to make me happy.

How could someone claim to love and care about their girlfriend, and then go around saying these things to another girl? Surely this is not love!

This act of betrayal makes me feel that I can never allow myself to trust him ever again. We have not even been together that long. Should I just cut all ties?

I have had a bad feeling in my gut for a long time with this guy. Since I found out that he was sexting me before breaking up with his previous girlfriend, which he rationalized because it was already a “dead relationship” and they had already moved away from each other. When I found out I specifically had a serious conversation with him about how I have an absolute zero tolerance policy on any unfaithful behavior.

Am I a complete idiot for not listening to my gut sooner? Should I kick this guy to the curb? I don‘t need this in my life!

He claims that she is just a friend and that he made a mistake, he was just trying to be a good friend and help her with her problems. He has offered to remove her and his past girlfriends from all his contact lists and have no further contact. He claims that he knew it was wrong, that it was a stupid mistake, and he was hoping that it would just go away and he would never talk to her again.

If this is true, why didn‘t he come clean? Or take the cowards way out and why didn‘t he delete her from Skype? Or clear the message history? Why did it keep happening over and over? If he had this “so called” realization and actually gave a damn about my feelings. Eventually.

I am so angry at myself for not listening to my gut. I could have avoided all of this. I thought we were happy and he claims that yes we are happy, we are perfect together, he wants to marry me and spend the rest of his live with me. I have always given him absolutely everything and been there 100% every step of the way. Even in bed of the two I am the more adventurous. His family loves me, all his friends love me, I have been completely faithful in every way.

What do I do? End it and move on, or give him a chance to prove to me that he is not always an unfaithful lying sack of ****? I have never felt so completely betrayed by someone I trusted.

[cat104]

This is so hard. I am trying to stand my ground and just say no to this guy. I actually do love him. He is begging me and willing to do absolutely anything. He bought me roses and is literally on his hands and knees. He even offered to delete his Facebook account and uninstall Skype if I said the word. He has already deleted everything to do with the other girl. He is asking me to take it day by day, and if anything does not completely make me happy then he will leave and never bother me again. That I deserve better and he wants to give it to me.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m going to tell you what you already know, but are so clouded by emotion that you can’t think straight.

Yes, you should have seen this coming since he was sexting you while he was still in a relationship with another woman. Don’t beat yourself up for not listening to your gut — but do learn your lesson for next time. Because your next time is now.

I don’t think (understatement) that this is your Mr. Right, and neither do you. I know you think you love him, but this is not love. It’s disrespect, which isn’t part of love, and if you love someone who disrespects you and cheats on you and lies to you, you need to understand what love really is. This is a learning opportunity for you to understand that mature love involves mutual respect and character above and beyond lust and shared experiences.

Trust your instinct and go find Mr. Right with the lessons you’ve learned. 😉

Next!

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[cat104]

Hi April, thank you so much for the advice. I have calmed down now and you know the funny thing, I can’t seem to stay mad or upset even though I am trying to. I should still be hurt, why aren’t I? I haven’t made any decision yet, it was recommend to me to have a clear head. More information has come to light that is giving me pause.

I feel relieved to have found out now and vindicated that my gut was telling me the right thing. I also feel pretty powerful, which is an enjoyable feeling. The one thing that might save him aside from it being the first/only offence, is that he did put an end to it after he moved up to be with me. Before then being long distance, as always was very hard and I hated it. Sometimes it’s not real when you’re just on the other end of a phone or computer most of the time. The month we’ve had living together with him being faithful was amazing and I could easily see myself being happy with that for the rest of my life.

Since this happened, he is really going out of his way to prove that he is one of the few who can overcome this. He did a spring cleaning of all contacts and emails etc, basically leaving guys and his family only just so I would never have to feel like there was even a question, and even changed his phone number. He did this all on his own to prove to me he is serious and he is fighting for us. He is fighting for me. And all the time I was ranting and raving he took it, all of it, and never made excuses. Admitting he had made the hugest mistake of his life.

And in the meantime my house has never been so clean (daily), my laundry done, meals prepared and waiting with roses. I am not deciding anything yet, but gosh he is going to great lengths, no?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I hate to break it to you, but men who habitually cheat will try to get you to forgive them by going to great lengths. This is what your boyfriend is doing. 😕 And although you call this a “first offense”, it’s really the second one that you know about because he was cheating with you while he was with another girlfriend. 😳

You’ll figure things out in time, but I don’t think this is the end of the bad behavior because he hasn’t been honest with you about WHY he was cheating with this last woman. When he cheated on his last girlfriend with you, his reason to you was that it was a “dead relationship”. What would have been the right thing to do was to break up with her if it really was dead. Now, you’ve got to wonder why he was cheating on you with this other woman.

Cleaning up a mess is one thing, but doing the work that requires you to understand why you’re behaving a certain way and then changing that scenario is a lot harder.

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[cat104]

Hi April, thank you so much. You are exactly right and I guess I just hadn’t let myself think about that. I was probably all too willing to just accept his explanation and move on because of the guilt I felt for unwittingly being the other woman. I just wanted to gloss over it and not feel bad or deal with it at all. Thanks again 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very welcome! 😀

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