[cainsim74]

I’ve been separated for nearly 6 months now and right before xmas, an old crush (Ann)from before my marriage asked me to be her date to a Christmas party. I happily accepted, thinking it was more of an “appearance” date and that it would be nothing but fun. She even said there wouldn’t be any making out or sex. A few days later, her best friend asked me the status of my marriage, and at that time, we were trying to work things out. A couple of days later, Ann canceled the date and said it was because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. This gave me the impression that she might have been more interested than I had first thought and I told her that I had a very intense crush on her right before I started dating my wife. To my surprise, she admitted having a crush on me as well but said it was important that I was trying to work things out with my wife and that we remain friends. About 2 weeks after that, it quickly became apparent that my wife and I were never going to work things out and we both lost the ability to care and are not even on talking terms. It’s over, done, and not ever going to work. I gave Ann and her daughter xmas presents right before I went out of town for 2 weeks for xmas and she seemed so happy and texted me saying I was an amazing person and we’d hang out when I got back.

A bit about Ann. She’s a single mom to an amazing little 6 year old girl and the dad remains in the picture-he lives in town and see’s his daughter almost on a daily basis. On the other hand, he doesn’t pay a dime towards child care and that brings her a huge amount of stress in her life. Ann grew up with 3 siblings and a single mom who worked her finger to the bone supporting her kids. Her mother had a very, very close relationship with Ann, they were almost inseparable and even slept in the same bed for many years. She’s a perfectionist and it’s quickly apparent that she devotes her entire life to her daughter and is an amazing mom. She’s 100% self sufficient and works very hard and is very proud of that. She said, since she grew up with her mom having boyfriends that would constantly come and go. She hated that as a kid and she vowed to never give her daughter that life. This means we can only hang out when her daughter is at her dad’s house and that her house is for her and her daughter only. I respect that to the upmost and I do not want to do anything that would infringe on that at all.

Anyway, back to the timeline. When I got back from vacation, she popped up on chat one night and was asking me about my “situation” and I told her that we weren’t’ trying to work things out anymore and I was only trying to stay involved in my stepson’s life. Her b-day was coming up and she said she didn’t really have plans for her b-day night but was to going to a concert the next week as her belated b-day celebration. She was going with friends and invited me along and said if I went, it was going to be her best b-day present. Also before that, we spoke on the phone and she talked about taking a trip with me right when I got divorced and we’d call it my divorce celebration. The night before the concert, she invited me to her house and we had an amazing time hanging out and later went out for drinks and came back to her house and watched documentaries until early in the morning. I said I had to go and she walked me out to the car and gave me a vice-like hug and I kissed her on the lips and said goodbye. About 5 minutes from leaving her house, she called and texted me saying I could stay at her house and that she was worried about me driving. I drove back and we slept together and things went as far as making out and falling asleep in each other’s arms. The next night, we went to the concert and then went back to her house to sleep. When we walked in the door, she grabbed me and kissed me and we went upstairs to sleep. This time the make out session was more intense and when I left in the morning, she texted me and said she had a great time hanging out with me for the last 2 days.

So, after that, I was walking around in a state of bliss. The more I learn about her, the more amazing and perfect I find her and it just feels “right” when we’re together. I’ve even had a few friends comment over the years that we would make a great couple.

We didn’t talk for a few days after that and this is where I think I started making mistakes. I texted her over the weekend saying “I hope this isn’t bad to say but I’m kinda missing you”. I didn’t receive a reply until Monday and she called me and we spoke about it. She said we had to talk about being married and said this was the “only” problem and if it wasn’t for this, we’d be dating now. She said for right now that she likes hanging out with me but, since I was married, at this time there would be “NO feelings at all” from me. She said she was a little bit freaked out when she got the text but also said she was feeling the same thing and that she had an amazing time hanging out and that she loved sleeping with me. She told me that if it wasn’t for me being married, we’d be together. She even said her best friend was saying that I was great for her and she said her friend doesn’t ever say that. About an hour after the phone conversation, she texted me this: “You make me smile. I am into you, for sure. Good night”. I think I made the mistake of replying something that sounded way to eager and enthusiastic.

She lives in the next town over, about 30 mins away from me and I’m often in town a couple times a week. When we spoke a few times that week, she asked me if I was in town and stopping by and I called her one night and said I was going to be in town and if it was ok if I stopped by. Her daughter was at home that night, upstairs sleeping. We had a great time but she kept being jumpy when she thought her daughter woke up and might come down the stairs. I made the mistake of assuming I could crash at her house again and she said definitely not since her daughter was at home. She was very adamantent about it and I apologized and felt stupid for assuming that this was ok. Out the door, she gave me a hug but no kiss and told me to text her when got home. I texted her and she said “thanks for hanging out, we’ll talk soon”. My sensitive side was hurt because she seemed different than the last time we hung out, but my rational side was telling me that she was only reacting this way because her daughter was there and she’s only sticking by her promise to her daughter that she didn’t want to give her a life of strange guys coming and going. I texted her the next morning and apologized for assuming I could stay over there and she never replied and I haven’t heard a peep from her since-3 days ago. This has happened so fast and we aren’t at the point where we talk on a daily basis so this really isn’t strange we haven’t spoken since then but I’m getting a gut feeling that I may have pushed this too fast or she’s having second thoughts. The bottom feels like it’s dropped out – it doesn’t feel right.

I want to be extremely careful to respect her relationship with her daughter and I fully realize and respect that we can’t get closer until I’m divorced but I’ve got a knot the size of Texas that’s saying her feelings might have changed or I may have messed up in some other way. I’ve resolved to give it a couple of more days to see if she’ll contact me before I break down and call her. I don’t want to give her the impression that I’m a needy or suffocating guy and I’m afraid of being seen as too eager which can be a turn off.

I don’t know what’s the best way to proceed at this point and I’m worried about screwing this up if I haven’t already.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Get divorced, and then ask her out on a date. If she agrees to date you, then you’ll know where you stand with her. If she doesn’t agree to date you, then you’ll also know where you stand with her.

It’s never a good idea to be in a friend zone, and by telling you she won’t date you until you’re divorced, that’s essentially what you’ve done — put yourself in the friend zone by sticking around. Of course, she confused everything by adding a friends with benefits element, but bottom line is that you need to do the two things I’ve advised: 1) Get divorced so you’re really available, and 2) don’t go after someone who friend zones you. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[cainsim74]

So basically, it looks like asking to stay the night was the deal killer. I finally got a text from her 4 days later saying “
I’m sorry, things are weird now. I should have never let you come over when **** is home. It’s my #1 of being a mom. Never, ever will a guy be at our home when she is home. This is her safe place, and that means no over night guests unless I have prepared her for it. That situation made me realize that I need to take things waaaaaay slow. And maybe I’m still not ready to let another person into our lives”.

I apologized and said totally understood told her I was going to ask her if I should leave her alone. and that I felt like I crossed the line. She said we would call me on Wednesday night and said “We are cool, I promise. Lets just chill for a minute and kind of start over”

She never called and by midnight, I just said I was going to make myself scarce. All she said in the morning was “I was already asleep”.

So with that, it’s a big F*** the whole thing she won’t hear from me again. I can’t see for the life of me why people like dating. It’s never meant anything to me except waste time and money so you can feel like shit.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry you feel so down about this experience. 😳 Dating can be a bad experience when you’re unprepared, but it can also be a great experience if you do it right. 🙂 To have a great experience, you have to date smart. And, like I already advised…. get divorced, so that you’re actually single and available for a serious relationship. This isn’t just for the women you date, but it’s for you. Psychologically, you’re not completely ready to date because you’re not available in the way you would be if you were legally single. In fact, it looks like you’re jumping from one failed relationship into what you think will be a safety net of another relationship. This isn’t a good platform to start dating after a divorce. You have to be single — really single — and understand why your marriage failed, as well as what you want next. Then, go for it, knowing that dating is a numbers game, but that if you focus on your goal and don’t waste time with women who aren’t what you’re looking for, you can actually have a good time dating! 😉 The minute a woman friend zones you, that’s your cue to exit because she’s not serious. What you’re really angry at is that you chose the wrong woman to date…. this time! You can do better. 🙂

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[cainsim74]

Sorry about the anti dating rant – was in a bitter mood.

The only reason I felt comfortable going over to her house that night was, twice that week she thought I was in town and kept asking “are you stopping by” and those were nights she had her daughter. Also, she’s invited me to her house a few times when her daughter was over so I assumed this one time, when I was in town, I could stop by. Now, stopping by is different than spending the night and I get that and respect that to the upmost and would honor that religiously from here on out. It has to be noted too that she said to stop by the store and get some wine and we partied a bit which was the main reason I asked so I didn’t drive under the influence. I do feel I could be give a bit of forgiveness for that – especially after apologizing at least 3 times.

As far as slowing things down. I’ve I feel like I HAVE been moving pretty slow except for the one text I sent. Now her, I would say no not in any shape or form. She verbally says that, but let’s recap the facts.

1. She asked me out on a date.
2. When she asked me out on the date, she said to call her to hang out as well anytime and invited me over to her house to hang out (while her daughter was there) that friday.
3. Before Xmas, she kept talking about going on trips with her and even going to stay at a beach house with her and her daughter.
4. When I got back from Xmas, she again, approached me first and kept asking about my “situation” with my wife.
5. More talks about going on a trip together, in fact, one trip would be our “divorce celebration” trip
6. She invites me to a show and says if I show up, it will be her b-day present.
7. When we hang out at her house and I leave, she calls me and has be come back and let’s me sleep with her and make out.
8. after the show, we hang out again, second night in a row and I sleep over again, more make out sessions
9. The next morning, she texts me and says how much fun she had.
10. She texts me and says “you make me smile, I’m into you for sure”
11. Asks repeatedly, if I’m coming over to see her.
12. Tells me the marriage is the ONLY obstacle and if it wasn’t for that, we’d be together and said “We’d have been ****ing all over this damn house by now if you weren’t married”
13. Keeps telling me all the ways we might be compatible.
14 Asks me questions like “am I too young for you”
15. She tells me how her best friends were telling her we would be good for each other and that they NEVER say that about any guy.

So aside from my text saying “I was kinda missing her” and asking if I could stay the night, that’s really all the “rushing” and pushing things that I’ve done. I’ve been trying to actually move pretty slow and I’ve said that many, many times.

I really was fine being on my own, working on myself, working through what I’ve been through in the last few years. I’ve been doing a lot of counseling to work on areas where I feel I went wrong in my marriage. I had no desire to date unless it was something exceptional and I mean EXCEPTIONAL.

I really do feel like the worst thing I could do is contact her at this point. If she contacts me that would be great but I feel like I’m being treated almost with a high degree of disdain right now for asking to spend the night and really don’t feel like it’s fair. I’ve apologized 3 times over text and she won’t reply to any of them and never said she would try to call me back to talk like she planned on Wed and didn’t even apologize. It feels almost hateful and we have so many mutual friends it’s going to be completely awkward and I don’t know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have a question.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[cainsim74]

My question is this:

She almost sounds hateful at this point. Why would anyone act like this unless they were extremely angry? Since we have so many mutual friends it’s going to be completely awkward and I don’t know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there. Should I at least ask her maybe a few weeks later after some of this has blown over, or just risk having a night ruined because of bad vibes?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]She almost sounds hateful at this point. Why would anyone act like this unless they were extremely angry?[/quote]

They wouldn’t. 😉 And, she is. But it probably has nothing to do with you.

[quote]Since we have so many mutual friends it’s going to be completely awkward and I don’t know if I should avoid social situations where she might be there. Should I at least ask her maybe a few weeks later after some of this has blown over, or just risk having a night ruined because of bad vibes?[/quote]

I’m not sure what it is you want to ask her. But I really think you should move on.

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[cainsim74]

First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking your time to reply to my posts. Obviously I’ve been out of the dating scene for quite a while and I should have thought this out out from the beginning with much more care. I’m kicking myself for violating one of the most fundamental rules right of the gate – don’t appear too eager too early.

I’m sorry if I sound thick but I’m a bit confused by your response to my quoted texts:

“They wouldn’t. And, she is. But it probably has nothing to do with you.”

Does that mean they wouldn’t act like this even if were extremely angry but she is acting like that OR do you mean no one would be getting this angry or hateful over this situation in the first place but she is?

Of course it’s time to move on – If someone won’t even talk to you, what else can you do?

The thing that concerns me more than anything is that we share a big group of friends that are very close and hang out socially quite a bit. In fact play in a band (and my previous band) with one of her best friends who she refers to as her brother and his wife is even closer to her than she is. These two people mean a lot to me. I can already tell a lot of people have got wind of us possibly getting together and have been talking. Now, if she’s completely pissed off at me, she’s going to talk and if the word gets out that I’m some kind of creep or loser (which I’m not in any shape or form and I would resent the hell out of that), how’s that going to make these people feel or see me? Or even worse, what if there are other ladies in this group of mutual friends that might be datable in the future? Or friends of friends in that might be datable and now those chances might not be options because of this situation? This is a big, big deal to me. I don’t live the most ‘normal’ life style for someone my age and besides dating (obviously) I’ve got my act together and I feel it’s a blessing that I’ve found a group of people who I feel share a lot in common with and who also have their acts together. I’ve been in two back to back long term relationships (my wife and previous girlfriend) where mixing friends and family always caused problems and I can’t take another situation like that. The next relationship I’m in, I’ve resolved to find someone who’s more laid back and fit’s in with my current life style much better that my wife and previous girlfriend did. That’s one big reason I felt this ‘Ann’ would have been a rare opportunity. At 44, I feel like the chances of finding someone like that on any internet dating sites is a complete joke.

That’s why I wish she would talk to me so badly right now, so I can diffuse any situation like this from developing and just KNOW for sure if she’s angry, freaking out, or (I could only hope this would the case) she’s taking a break to slow things down. I feel it’s crucial that I talk to her about this at some point for damage control purposes but how do I do it, how long should I wait?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I’m sorry if I sound thick but I’m a bit confused by your response to my quoted texts:

“They wouldn’t. And, she is. But it probably has nothing to do with you.”[/quote]

You asked me, “Why would anyone act like this unless they were extremely angry?” And I answered that they wouldn’t act like that unless they were extremely angry. You got it right. She’s extremely angry and that’s why she’s acting the way she is. And…. I told you that her anger may not even have anything to do with you, which means that she may be angry about a lot of things in her past and you’re the object of her anger. For now. Sometimes people and situations or events in life trigger old feelings and bring out old reactions to those old feelings. You probably tripped a switch that made her remember old wounds and she was reacting to them without realizing it, when she behaved as she did to you.

Hope that helps!

[quote]Now, if she’s completely pissed off at me, she’s going to talk and if the word gets out that I’m some kind of creep or loser (which I’m not in any shape or form and I would resent the hell out of that), how’s that going to make these people feel or see me? [/quote]

It really depends on the individuals. Everybody reacts differently to different pieces of information. You can’t control how other people react, but you can control how YOU react. My advice is to avoid drama and don’t make a big deal out of this. You’ve already decided that you’re going to be judged as a creep or a loser…. when really, what you are is a married guy who was looking to date an old crush — and the only creepy part of that is that you’re married. You can change that if you want to. I suggest you do. Being single and hitting on women is going to make you seem a lot less creepy than being married and hitting on women. 😉

[quote]Or even worse, what if there are other ladies in this group of mutual friends that might be datable in the future? [/quote]

Again, you can’t control their reactions and their feelings. Don’t be a control freak when it comes to other people. Instead, control your behavior and look elsewhere for women to date if the ones you’re interested in aren’t interested in you. In fact, it’s probably a good idea for you to expand your dating choices, now. 😉 But again, if you don’t get divorced, you will be seen for what you are, which is a married guy looking to date. 🙁

[quote]Or friends of friends in that might be datable and now those chances might not be options because of this situation?[/quote]

Then you move on and look for other women to date outside of this crowd. 😀

[quote] I feel it’s crucial that I talk to her about this at some point for damage control purposes but how do I do it, how long should I wait?[/quote]

My advice is to look at your need to control things and work on that problem. 😕 If you try to talk to her for damage control, you’re going to create more damage. 😳 Let this experience be what it is, and move on, using what you’ve learned, to date smarter next time. 😉

[b]Everyone likes to be liked! If the advice you found on AskApril.com was helpful “like” us on FB — and tell a friend!
[url][/url][/b]

[Member]

Posts