[lasquiti89]

I have been in a committed relationship with a man for around 10 months now. We are quite serious and have said “I love you” to each other already. I want to move it forward even more by moving in with him. A little bit of background. I live with my parents right now (past roommate kicked me out for her new bf to move in) and my boyfriend has owned his own home for years. About a month ago I brought up having me move in with him. It didn’t go as well as I thought it would. He basically said that we needed to be around each-other more and that we weren’t ready for it yet. Then he suggested that I stay overnight more often and basically bring another set of all the stuff I need to get ready before work. I know he wants to make sure that our routines match, but a part of me was disappointed with his answer. It has been a month now of me spending on average 5 nights a week at his house and I feel so scatterbrained and tired. I feel like nomad that is wandering around without a place to call home. Lately he has been saying things like “lets go home” or “it’s up there in your bathroom” so it sounds like he is warming up to the idea but who knows.
I am starting to feel like he likes the benefit of having a girlfriend but still wants to live like a bachelor. Because he can’t stay overnight at my parents house (they won’t allow it), I feel like I am putting in all of the sacrifice in the relationship which is leading me to become resentful. I wonder when he will ever be ready for me to move in? Also, how long should I continue living like this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These are great questions. It really sounds like the two of you are on the same track — but your “train” is moving a lot faster than his. You want him to want a bigger commitment before he’s ready to make one. And he’s not saying he doesn’t want that commitment, but he is saying he’s not ready now. In other words, you’re pushing. 😕 Ten months of dating isn’t too short a time for him to still not be ready. If it comes up on a year then you get to decide whether you want to continue seeing him or not. But for now, limit your sleepovers there to once a week, explaining that you want more, but it’s just exhausting and you hope he understands.

[lasquiti89]

Yes my train has always been faster than his it seems. When it comes to our relationship, I am always the one to start the difficult conversations. Yeah I kind of figured that if our first anniversary comes up and I still have not moved in then I have a decision to make. I know that I want to get married and have kids one day and the next step in our relationship is to move in together. I know he wants to settle down eventually and have kids so we are on the same page there, but I can’t help thinking “is there a reason this man is still single at 35?”. I am basically living at his house already right now without it being “official”. All of my stuff from when I lived on my own is currently stored in his basement. I only moved in with my parents temporarily as I needed to move quick, but that turned more permanent after I got cut hours at work. I started my own company though and now don’t need to live with my parents any longer but part of me thinks that even if I did move out (I’d have to get another roomate), that I would still go over and stay at his house as it’s more comfortable and he actually fits in his bed (he’s really tall and won’t fit in mine). I don’t want to push the issue so I guess I will have to continue living like this until he thinks we are ready? The whole reason he said he wasn’t is because I needed to spend more time with him and I am doing that but it is very tiring still.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re taking a little bit of a risk by spending more time with him, without a commitment. My advice is to keep the love alive, but spend less time there because it’s so difficult. 😉 If he wants to marry you, I doubt it will be because you spent 5 days a week there or one. 😉

[Sally]

It sounds like he cares about you, but he’s also very comfortable. His house, his routines, his control. Asking you to basically live there without actually living there puts all the inconvenience on you, not him. Of course resentment is creeping in. Anyone would feel that.

Him saying “let’s go home” and using “your bathroom” might mean he’s getting used to you there, but getting used to something isn’t the same as choosing it. Right now, he gets companionship without having to fully commit or change his life much.

The bigger question isn’t when he’ll be ready. It’s how long you’re willing to live in limbo. Ten months is enough time to have a real, honest talk. Not hinting. Not hoping. Just asking what his timeline actually looks like.
You deserve a place to land, not a suitcase life. And it’s okay to say that out loud.

[Tara]

You’re not “warming up to living together,” you’re already living together without the security, respect, or commitment. He’s getting a full-time girlfriend who cooks, sleeps there, uses his space, and revolves her life around his house, while he keeps total control and zero obligation. That’s not caution. That’s convenience.

If he wanted you to move in, you’d already be moved in. Men don’t need trial runs for ten months of love and five nights a week of cohabitation. What he proposed was a loophole: you do all the adjusting, carry bags back and forth like a guest, feel unsettled and exhausted, while he avoids the psychological step of saying, “This is our home.” The “we’re not ready” line doesn’t match his behavior; his behavior says he wants access without responsibility.

Your resentment is the warning sign, and it’s justified. You’re sacrificing stability, comfort, and autonomy while he loses nothing. Calling it “your bathroom” doesn’t mean commitment; it’s language without structure. And no, there is no magical amount of time that will suddenly make him ready if he’s fundamentally ambivalent about sharing his life.

[Member]

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