[oarfxm103]

I am new to these things so I am kind of nervous to express this all to anyone. I met this girl about a 12-15 months ago at work, we started just about the same time and as time progressed we seemed to be getting closer and closer, buying each other gifts for xmas and our bday. She was trying to send me signals, which I knew from the start, but I ignored them. We would text each other now and then rather it be about work or just to see how our day was going. Then a couple days ago she just came out and said she liked me, I was the nicest guy she met, and wanted to know if I felt the same. I admitted the truth and said I have for a while but I had too much going on and too many problems I just wanted to be friends. She keeps asking me whats wrong and I just keep telling her its ok. I haven’t talked to anyone about this so this is the first time I am coming out with all this. One main problem is common, money. I hate it when people get me stuff cause it makes me feel bad when I can’t do the same and unless I can support to make e1 happy I am not happy (I live with friends and just deeply in debt so its hard to even support myself, with school and a full time job I just don’t have the time to make more money and if I did that would take away time for a relationship anyway). I think it would be a lot better if I waited to get a better paying job so I can get a place of my own and start moving up in life. I have a health problem of seizures. I alone get scared when it happens and I really don’t want to have someone else worry adding more problems to their lives. Due to the seizures I am unable to drive and maybe its just me but it would feel awkward and just not right having to rely on her to be the transportation of everything. She is 25 with a couple bad experiences in life involving the loss of a brother and treated bad by her mom so really only has her dad but doesn’t seem to keep her down. Now the hard one, I am 24 and still no sexual experience. I am completely unsure but I think she is as well. I am just a little overweight and if it came down to that I don’t think I would be able to satisfy her. Ever since we both admitted we liked each other she has been texting me with some consisting of calling be honey and that she loves me, I am just trying to get it in her head as of now I just want to be friends. Is this wrong? What should I do? Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

None of this is wrong — but it does seem like you’re trying to protect yourself and in the process, losing out on opportunities to practice honesty, that may give you confidence. So the first thing you can look at is what you have to lose. Right now, you have a relationship with this woman you work with that’s a mutual crush — but you’re not ready to date for some reasons that are valid and some that are not. If you let her know you’re not interested in dating, she may try to figure out why and then convince you otherwise, or help you out of those problems so you can. Or, she may cut you off and move on to find someone she does want to date. So you’ll either lose the relationship you have with her because if she can’t date you, she may not want to be friendly with you. Or she’ll continue to pursue you. Or you’ll default into the work relationship you had with her before the mutual crush began.

My advice is to look at the problems you’ve listed in your post and see which ones you want to deal with now, and which ones you don’t. For instance, your weight issue is something I’d recommend you deal with now. This is one of the easier ones because you can start eating differently, exercising by walking, running, swimming, or joining a gym. And the result of your working on your weight issue is not just going to boost your self esteem, and your potential sex life, but it’s also going to improve your energy level and your health.

Not having sexual experience at your age is something you can get over by actually getting sexual experience. There’s no short cut. But there’s nothing to be ashamed of, either. Choosing the right partner will definitely color your experience — someone who’s interested in you as a person, and not just sex, will be generous, understanding, open and honest in bed, as well as out of bed.

Your financial situation is one that makes a lot of sense to deal with first, before getting involved with someone. However, I get the feeling you’re having emotional baggage with money because you’re not being honest with people in your life about your financial issues. There is nothing wrong with telling this woman that when you’re more financially secure, you’d love to date her, but for now, you want to focus on getting your financial life together. In fact, if you’re able to tell someone that, they should respect you even more for taking care of business — in order of importance. It’s very hard to be in a serious relationship when you have business that hasn’t been attended to. 😉

As for “getting it into her head” that you just want to be friends — first, men and women cant’ be friends. It doesn’t work. One person always wants more than the other, so while you don’t have to tell her you’re not going to be her friend — you can keep YOUR side of the street clean by not being her friend, and just being her work colleague. You can do this by limiting contact and being polite, civil and cordial — but not doing things outside of the office; not buying her gifts; not responding with “honey” in kind, etc.

I hope that helps!

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