[Anonymous]

My live-in boyfriend & I have been together nearly a year -both divorced w/children. I have 1 boy (9 yrs) & he has 2 (boy 8, girl 6). He has his kids every other weekend, & my son goes with his dad every other weekend. It’s nice because my bf & I get a few weekends to ourselves. I live for those weekends, however, the weekends w/kids are rough. I never expected these kid weekends to be perfect & I anticipated most of the typical acting out. That doesn’t trouble me. What bother me is the way we, as adults handle the kids. We have discussed it, but I still feel there are issues.

I have done a lot to make his kids welcome in our home & to accept them. My bf even tells me that his kids love coming to our home & really like me. I like them too, but what I have issue w/is how my bf acts around them. He is a different person when they are around. I don’t expect him to be exactly the same when his kids are here, as he is when they are not, after all, he is in ‘dad’ mode, but I also don’t expect it to be like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde either! Sometimes when his kids are here he acts as if I don’t exist! He’s never very affectionate with me when they are here and I understand that too. His kids are VERY demanding. It’s impossible for us to even get a second together when his kids are here. They are constantly wanting and needing something or fighting and my bf literally jumps for them all weekend. My son isn’t like that so these weekends are especially trying and tiring for me. My son is pretty independent & not very demanding. I only have one child & I’ve explained to my bf that only children are a bit different – not any better than children w/siblings, just different. And my son is not overly spoiled either. He is to some degree but he’s definately not a brat. He’s a very friendly kid, very outgoing, and absolutely loves the fact that he has pseudo-siblings that he gets to have over for the weekend. He and my bf’s son get along really very well. The little girl, well, that’s an issue I’ll get into below.

First problem is jealousy. There is way too much jealousy with all of us when the kids are here and I don’t know how to fix it but I feel if I don’t it may destroy us! My bf gets jealous that his son spends time w/mine & that his daughter likes to spend time w/me (I should note this is NOT an assumption on my part, my bf has admitted to this jealousy). My bf’s son is jealous of the way my bf babies and spoils his siser, and my son is jealous of the way my bf’s daughter demands so much of my time, and I have to admit, I sometimes get a bit jealous when my bf completely ignores me and is all over his daughter showering her with hugs & kissess & I love you’s. I’m not, by nature, a very jealous person, especially when it comes to kids, and I think if my bf at least acknowledged my existance when his kids were here, I wouldn’t feel this way. On the other hand, I get the feeling that my bf does have more of a jealous personality. He’s not crazy jealous, don’t get me wrong, but I can sens it, especially with the kids and sometimes with regard to me and my ex. I have sat down and talked to my bf about this & that’s when he admitted to being jealous of mine and my son’s relationship with his kids. I mean, I guess I kind of get it. For four years now he’s had his kids all to himself every weekend and desperately wants to see more of them and misses them, so it must be tough when his kids want to spend time w/us too. I suggested that maybe giving him some time alone with his kids would help and he agreed. So I do often times allow him to have special time alone just him and his kids but it never seems to be enough. I explained to him that when he absolutely beams & is so happy about the time he’s spent alone w/his kids & acts like it’s never enough it makes me feel as if he doesn’t want me and my son in their lives and that hurts. I also told him that he needs to sit down and think about whether he can handle, to some degree, sharing his kids attention & affection, and I told him point blank that if he can’t maybe he is not ready or has no business being in a relationship right now. I didn’t say this in an adversarial way, I just put it out there & he did seem to get a bit defensive when I said that.

Most times my bf blames all the problems on the fact that he misses his kids & wants his family back – let me clarify, though, he doesn’t want his ex back but he wants the family life. To come home from work every night and see his kids and eat dinner w/them & such. He insists he wants nothing to do w/his ex & I believe him. His ex is remarried so that I don’t believe is an issue. He had been divorced 3 years prior to meeting me, & I for nearly 2, so it’s not as if our divorces are fresh either. We’ve both been divorced long enough to greive the loss of our marriages and to date other people so this isn’t a transitional relationship either, or I hope it’s not. Sometimes I wonder with my bf, though, because he seems to still be greiving the loss of his ‘family unit’. There really is nothing I can do about that. I’ve tried, though, to make our time together with his kids as family friendly and normal as possible. I thought he would appreciate all of us being like a family yet it seems he prefers to spend his time with his kids alone and would prefer my son and I not be around.

My bf’s daughter is another HUGE problem for me. I feel he babies his daughter terribly treating her like an infant at times & it annoys me! I know and he reminds me a lot that it’s his “little girl” but he’s really over the top w/it. I should mention that my bf is a ‘macho’ type man and he can even border on chauvanistic at times. This doesn’t really bother me – I kind of like it because he is very chivalrous, still gets doors for me, and is protective, and very masculine. I actually appreciate these things about him and I’m far from a feminist so I really see these things as a plus, but when it comes to his daughter? Well, it seems a bit too much honestly. My bf’s daughter has him wrapped around her little finger and his daughter knows it & uses it to her advantage. I’d almost find this endearing if it weren’t for the fact that she is alienating my bf from everyone!

The daughter is constantly trying to get the boys in trouble for no reason at all & my bf plays into it & reprimands the boys all the time. Granted the boys are NOT perfect but his daughter instigates them (I’ve seen her do it alot) and I’ve even seen his daughter hit/spit at the boys & when they retaliate, try to stop her or tell on her, the daughter runs to daddy & cries and the boys get in trouble. I’ve told my bf that the boys are not always to blame but he seems to have a real hard time reprimanding his daughter. It’s almost as if he thinks the boys should be able to take a hit, punch, spit from a girl because they are boys and older and that it’s not a big deal, however, if the boys did that to his little girl there would be h*ll to pay! A few times my bf has actually been upset with the boys and encouraged his daughter to go and annoy the boys – it’s as if he thinks it’s cute – then when the boys get ticked off my bf yells at them! I’m sorry but it’s so unfair. As you would imagine, the boys, in turn, are livid w/his daughter because they feel my bf favors her & she never gets in trouble. I have to agree with them, and I’ve told my bf that I feel he’s too hard on the boys and doesn’t hold his daughter accountable. He just gives me the guilty smile and says, ‘but she’s my little girl’ and I want to wring his neck – she’s not an infant – she is SIX!!!

Don’t get me wrong, the daughter is real sweet & I do like her. For me, I always wanted a girl so I love having her around and doing girly things with her. I also try not to favor the daughter but she always wants my attention because she wants to do girly things and doesn’t have a playmate like the boys do, which makes the boys very jealous. I have been trying to spend some time with the boys but when I do the daughter tries to pull me away and the boys get mad at her. My bf feels his daughter is always left out & uses that as an excuse to favor her. At this point I can see when the boys are right but I’m afraid to reprimand his daughter or tell my bf what she did because I know he will always side w/her even if the boys were not at fault. I’ve talked to my bf & said that it’s probably best that we don’t side w/any child & when they all run to tattle at the same time we disregard it & reprimand them all equally (rather than Mon. morning quarter back after they have had an arguement & are all telling us a different story). That worked for a bit – when they would fight we would tell them all that we didn’t want to hear who did what but that we wanted them to work it out and not fight. The daughter is a smart little girl and she’s now found a way around this. She just runs to daddy crying and grabs his leg sobbing. Of course he can’t resist that and picks her up and holds her and kisses her. This upsets the boys because in their mind he has, albiet silently, but clearly sent a message that he is siding with his daughter again.
I don’t want to dislike this little girl – it’s not her fault & she is very cute – however, if this dynamic can’t change even slightly, I can see it may end up being the end of us. Neither of us wants this.

What, I guess, it boils down to for me is how do we make our kid weekends enjoyable & get over this power play w/us & our kids? How do I deal w/the way he treats his daughter even though I feel it is so wrong? Let me explain, too, that I was once, as a child very spoiled & babied by adults so I know what that leads to. I’ve told my bf this & told him I was just like his daughter when I was little & explained what it lead to for me – being date raped because I was never taught to defend myself & always had a family member to ‘protect’ me until then. I explained to him how hard my life was once my Mom died and I had to fend for myself after being so coddled all my life. I gently explained to my bf that I don’t want that to happen to his daughter & I felt she should be taught to fight her own battles & learn to stand on her own 2 feet w/out having to run to daddy every single time something doesn’t go her way. The response I always seem to get is that guilty smile and, ‘she’s my little girl.’ – UGH! What do I tell the boys when they run to me complaining about how the daughter always gets her own way but there is nothing I can do about it – not like I can tell my bf he shouldn’t comfort his daughter when she cries? Also, how do I deal with my bf’s jealousy? I find that really weird & I’ve told him so. In my mind I feel he should be happy that our sons get along so well & that his kids likes me so much, but he’s admitted it makes him jealous, which makes me feel he doesn’t want my son & I in his life. I should also mention I feel he’s not done much to bond w/my son, but I’ve chalked it up to him being a quiet man & me being more maternal & used to kids. I do go out of my way for his kids – you know I wouldn’t think of buying my son a gift & giving it to him in front of his kids unless I had a gift for his kids too but on a few occassions he’s had gifts for HIS kids and nothing for mine. I know I’ve tried really hard with his kids and gone above and beyond for them but I feel he’s kind of luke warm to my son. I don’t think he dislikes him or means to be this way, he just is. I almost think my bf would feel extreme guilt if he spent time with my boy because he’d feel like he should be with HIS kids. I think that is why he’s not gotten close to my son. Don’t get my wrong my bf’s not mean to my son but has been sarcastic to him when he fights w/his daughter. There have been instances when his daughter & my son have had an arguement & his daughter wasn’t right but he would never side with my son & will always go to the defensive of his little girl. I kind of get that but I’m not that kind of parent – to me, if my kid has done something wrong, he’s going to be held accountable and I’m not going to blindly take his side no matter what. Unfortunately, because of the way my bf is, especially w/his daughter, I find myself blaming my son more or at least asking my son to let it go and walk away because I’m afraid to reprimand his daughter. My son is VERY mature for his age probably because he is an only child and I don’t believe in babying kids, so I’ve sat my son done and explained to him, in kid terms, and asked for his cooperation. He’s been fairly good w/all of it but still gets upset about my bf’s daughter at times. I know our parenting styles are different, but I don’t feel that they are so different that we can’t compromise & get along. I’m a very flexible person & very willing to give in a bit and he seems to be when we talk but it’s like when his daughter gives him those eyes he forgets everything!

I often feel that my bf either isn’t ready to or isn’t willing to move on when it comes to the kids. It seems he doesn’t want our families to ‘blend’ yet when we have no kids he wants ‘us’. When it is just he and I, I feel we are so right together so compatible so in love and we have something very special. I love him & want us ALL to work as well as he and I do, however, unless we can find some way to work out these weird jealousy, daddy issues, I can’t see much of a future in it. Am I wrong? I certainly want to be and I’m desperately seeking answers on how we can make this work. Neither of us wants to split up – we do genuinely love one another and I think we both at minimum like each other’s kids. Is there any way I can help my bf to work through these jealousy issues and get over the fact that his old family is gone? I’ve tried telling him that many times he spends so much time feeling sad that he doesn’t get to see his kids or missing the family life he had that it infects the time he does have with his kids negatively. Why can’t he accept that his ‘family’ life is over and dead in the traditional sense that he had but that we can start a new family with new traditions that can be every bit as enjoyable? That is what I want. Like I said, I know he doesn’t want his ex back nor does his ex want him back so that is definately a dead issue. I think in a perfect world what my ex would like would be to have full and total custody of his kids and have a wife (not his ex) and be able to have a traditional family again. That simply isn’t possible with his work schedule and his existing custody arrangement – how to I help him to accept this and move on or can I?

Sorry this is so long. As you can see I’ve been struggling with all of this for quite some time and it’s rather complicated! Thanks in advance for any help you can give!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s the good news: You and your boyfriend are very articulate, perceptive and you both own your problems. Here’s the bad news: Blending families is HARD WORK. Here’s the best news: You can do this if you’re willing to be open minded, patient and committed. 🙂

First of all, your boyfriend’s sadness that he only sees his children on weekends (every other weekend?) while all other times they are with their mom and stepdad, is a very real pain that may never go away. So adjust your expectation. Some men continue to mourn the family they lost even after their children are grown and married — in spite of the fact that they don’t want their ex-wives back and never did for a second.

Second of all, your relationship with your son, and your ability to accept his children (even with the little girl’s issues) magnifies your boyfriend’s inability to do so in his eyes. No man wants to feel like a failure, so find any empathy you can and reward him instead of criticizing him when you see how hard it is for him to accept your relationships. Jealousy is an emotion that masks desire. He wants what you have and what his ex-wife has with the children. Empathize and comfort him here. This is the only way to dissolve the jealousy.

Third, get creative. Blended families thrive because they change the rules. Whenever they try to replace what they had pre-divorce, they fail. Make up new family traditions — and stick to them. Emphasize the differences with a positive spin — Thanksgiving is going to be on Saturday, not Thursday so we can all be together!! Have Father’s Day the day before the country celebrates it — and go all out. This dynamic dissipates competition and eliminates losers in any imagined race.

Fourth, the problems you are having with the little girl are normal blended family problems — and frankly, lots of “in tact” families have dads who coddle girls and moms who toughen them, so you’re not alone here. Accept the difference between you and your boyfriend and instead of policing the current kid dynamic, add more kids to the mix! 😮 Invite other families with girls over to play to dilute the problems you’re having between his daughter and the boys. Help the little girl make girlfriends in your neighborhood and include those little girls in your future step-daughter’s visitation.

And lastly, remember that custody schedules change as children’s’ needs change. Your boys may eventually want to spend more time with their dads. His daughter may want to spend more time with her mom. Flexibility and a sense of humor with an eye on the big picture are all a lot harder to practice than talk about, but they’ll be your beacons in blended family survival.

I hope this helps — let me know how things go, and follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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