[Anonymous]

I’m happily married to a woman I love. However, I think my wife’s appearance might not be my ideal. Also, I think there’s very little possibility that her appearance might change. I do find her very attractive, and she has many other good qualities that are more important than appearance, but I find it troublesome to be tempted by other women who have a different appearance, and the issue has threatened to hurt our relationship in the past.

Is there anything I can do to change what is ideal for me? Or is there another possible solution?

[Ask April Masini]

Without knowing what about her appearance is an issue for you, consider discussing a change with her. There is very little these days that can’t be changed with plastic surgery, hair coloring, and style shifts. It sounds like you have the basics of a very good relationship, and she may not take offense at your wishing something about her appearance was different.

That said, if you want to change your own ideal, then my suggestion is to go where the appearance your wife currently has, is adored. For instance, in Europe, the idea of what is beautiful is different than in America and flesh on a woman’s body is not considered something to get rid of or tighten as automatically as it is here. Stroll through the art galleries in France or any other European country and you’ll see fleshy women who here would be banished as fat and in need of a makeover, instead adored and held as models of beauty. Befriend people — especially other men — who find this ideal of fat on women as beauteous and your societal ideals will change, as well, as possibly your own personal ideals of what is beautiful and sexy on a woman.

I hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. The example you gave was close, but it’s the opposite: I think my ideal is a more fleshy woman. We have discussed it, and I think there’s very little chance of her agreeing to change. She seems to have a difficult time gaining weight too, and really doesn’t want to be fat; she’s not anorexic or anything, but wants to stay the weight she is. And I don’t really want her to gain weight if she would be unhealthy and such. So it seems like it would be easier/better to change myself than to hope that she changes.

Unfortunately, here in the US, thin already IS the ideal and is glorified. I am wondering if there is some type of counseling or mental exercises that would help me. Or something else; I’m not sure.

I guess on the positive side, if she ever DOES gain weight that she can’t lose, we won’t have to worry about it causing relationship problems 🙂

[Ask April Masini]

The good news is that many women gain weight as they age and their metabolisms slow down. So a fleshier wife may be in your future if you can just wait! 😆

The other piece of good news is that french food, boxes of chocolates and bacon cheeseburgers will make great date treats and meals for you and your wife where as other couples may have trouble with weight and may avoid such pleasures as fattening food! So, lucky you!! In fact, you should make a point of taking her out for ice cream and replacing flowers that you may give her with Swiss, German and other fantastic (and fattening) boxes of chocolates, cream puffs and eclairs.

As for your acceptance of your wife’s slim body, instead of trying to hypnotize yourself into wanting thin women instead of fatter ones, maybe you can appreciate parts of her body that you naturally do love — or things she can do with her body that bring you pleasure. NOBODY has a perfect wife (or husband for that matter) and we all accept flaws by appreciating the assets or the bigger picture of who a person is. Try working that within yourself to better accept and enjoy your wife’s body if nothing else I’ve suggested is an option.

[Anonymous]

You may be right… I only hope she would not become unhappy if she did gain weight.

True, it is nice that we don’t have to be very careful about what we eat! She is pretty conscious about the healthfulness of her diet though, so I don’t know that I could encourage her to eat fattening food very much.

That is good advice about accepting her as she is. I DO think she is very attractive and sexy already… the main problem I have is temptation to look at other women. Is there anything I could do about that?

[Ask April Masini]

There is nothing wrong with looking at other women and appreciating beauty — and this goes for your wife, too. You’re married, not dead! 😆 You don’t have to act on every feeling you have, and being loyal to your wife and maintaining a healthy sex life will help you appreciate what you do have, and understand that there’s beauty in the rest of the world — even if your wife was your idea of a perfect ten.

Enjoy your life and respect and love your wife.

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