[Layla55]

Argh, just posted and it lost it. So am having to rewrite.

So I am 34, been single most of my adult life. Would love to settle down and have a family.

My most serious relationship was 7 years ago. Meet a guy through a friend. Instant chemistry and we had a lovely relationship for about 6 months. He walked. Looking back I can see that I had become insecure, clingy. Not in any major way but it was unhealthy.

He met someone else, had a kid with her, then he walked from her after another year. He’s been single since then. I moved to another country for 3 years, we always stayed in touch now and then. When he became single he came to visit me a couple times, just as friends.

When I moved back to our home town about a year ago, he wanted to meet up and have a casual relationship. I said no, didn’t want to go down that route and develop feelings. (I think I also thought he might change his mind and want more from me, which he didn’t). Then 6 months later I decided that actually, I was in my 30s and didn’t want to lead a completely celibate life just because I hadn’t met the right person. So I started having “fun” with him. This was all fine for about 4 months, I started doing internet dating too and never worried about wanting more other than fun from the current guy.

Valentines Day this year I had overwhelming feelings of sadness. I just wanted a proper relationship. I decided not to text or call this guy and just continue with doing some online dating. I have found it a pretty depressing thing to do though, have not met anyone I have really clicked with, other than one guy last year who I saw for a while until he turned very verbally abusive to me more than once 🙁

However he still called me a few days later and we met up for an evening. I hadn’t told him how sad I’d been feeling, although I am normally very open with him. Then last week I was poorly with flu all week and he was a really good friend to me, spent time together on Saturday when I was feeling a bit better. I did speak to him on Saturday about dating etc. He knows I have been internet dating. He says he is not interested in dating at the moment as he has his own business, his son, and business debts and doesn’t want a woman distracting him from that. I said the right woman would be a support, not a distraction, he agreed but said it takes time to build that kind of relationship.

I felt really sad again last night and texted him saying I wanted to leave seeing each other now. I told him I just want to meet a guy who will be my friend, give me some tlc sometimes, live life together with and let me give him a hug when he needs it, and who we both fancy the hell outta! (I know that he already fits this bill for me, but I didn’t want to actually tell him that. If he can’t see that for himself then it is not worth only me seeing it).

He hasn’t replied, and as I know how reluctant he has always been to speak about feelings, I don’t think he will. To be honest, would rather he not reply as there is not much more either of us needs to say.

So I am left with online dating, and not being with a guy who still makes my knees go weak as much now when I see him as he first did over 7 years ago. When he holds me and looks at me he makes me feel like I am the only girl in the world for him. There is still that amazing spark between us, but for reasons to him, it won’t be anything more.

I realise I am not really asking anything specific here, other than to converse with people other than my friends who have known me a long time. Have also written this very quickly now due to losing the previous post!

It hurts :'(

Thank you

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad you wrote back to me — sometimes a good post like yours gets washed away with the spam! So, welcome back. 😀

That said…. you’re wasting your time with this guy, and I see a lot of women doing what you’re doing, and it’s very sad because you CAN have what you want in a relationship, but only if you do what it takes. 😉

Very simply, if you want, as you put it, “a proper” relationship, which I assume means a serious, monogamous relationship that leads to marriage and family, then you have to act like that’s what you want and focus on getting it. Wasting time with a man like the one you have, who’s demonstrated over and over he’s not that guy — is only going to make you depressed and keep you off the market and unavailable to get what you want. So step one is to lose this guy. He has nice qualities, but he’s not Mr. Right and he will never be Mr. Right.

Next, you have to understand the numbers game. Dating isn’t about hoping you’ll meet Mr. Right. It’s about actively making it happen, and if you’re not meeting at least 30 new guys a week — and I mean exchanging small talk, getting out to parties and the gym where you flirt and say hello, and letting your friends, family and neighbors know that you’re ready to be fixed up and introduced to men — you’re not dating seriously. Limiting your way of meeting men to online dating is not good enough. It’s one way, but it’s one of many ways you should be getting out there.

Next, make sure you’re date-ready! That means groomed, dressed and taking care of business in your personal life that would otherwise hold you back. In other words, if you’re unemployed, get work. If you live with your parents, move out on your own. If you house is a wreck, spruce it up.

You can read all the details and get a lot more help than I can give you here if you buy, download and read Think & Date Like A Man, the book I wrote for women who want to find, get and keep the guy. Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. 🙂

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[Layla55]

Thanks for your thoughts, it does help.

I only ever intended this guy to give me some confidence when I see him, to unlease some stresses with and enjoy company of his friendship. I know I am slipping into, or have already slipped into, wanting more from him so I know it is the right thing in walking away. I know I will miss him so much though, which is the horrible bit. We’ve been in touch for over 7 years now, through the initial relationship, us both moving on briefly to other people, the friendship and then the last few months casualness part. I hate hate hate the feeling of not seeing him again. I also know a huge part of me is praying that by me walking away, he will miss me just as much and come back to me wanting commitment. And I don’t know how to banish those feelings? Just knowing it is extremely unlikely is not doing enough in banishing them.

I can’t ever imagine meeting 30 new guys a week! I drive to work, so no commute. I work full time and then some, to make ends meet (as the double dip has hit me extremely hard in the last year …. but finances are another matter!). So I have no spare cash. At All. To do anything like join a gym or go out much. I do have a big hobby which is dance – classes and performing. But 99% of the guys I meet through that are gay! I don’t have family around me. My friends are great but never seem to know anyone to introduce me to. Just doesn’t seem to happen these days like it did when I was 24, not 34. So I have been proactive in the online dating thing, but no even hint of meeting anyone suitable. I know I am losing hope, I did have it when I started the online thing 6 months ago. I guess as I have not met anyone I click with, it is also what is making me change my feelings towards the guy I know I do like, but is unavailable to me?

My house is as nice as it can be. My job is satisfying but pay cuts have not helped, I’m looking desperately for something with more salary. I just wish I had some support in all of this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re not going to do the work, it’s not going to happen — guaranteed. Instead of making excuses about how you CAN’T do what you should be doing in order to meet more men, start putting your best foot forward and finding ways TO meet 30 new men a week, so you’ll be on your way to relationship success.

You’ve taken the lazy way out for the last seven years, so I know that doing the work is going to come as a shock to your system, but you’re here, on my website, asking for help, and that’s the right first step. 🙂 Instead of saying, well I drive to work, so I don’t meet anyone during that time….. stop driving! Or offer to carpool in your office, in your city, or simply by asking someone in your office parking lot if they’d like to share driving time. It just takes that kind of creative thinking and getting yourself out of your rut to get on the right track again. That you don’t have a lot of disposable income is absolutely no excuse not to work out in the park, eat your lunch in the company cafeteria, or host pot luck dinner parties where all you need to provide are the dishes, silverware and some chairs! Change your mindset, then your behavior, and you’ll be a lot happier.

As for your feelings of longing at walking away from Mr. Wrong, you made a big mistake thinking you could have a friends with benefits situation — or even a casual dating situation with him, seven years ago, and every year thereafter. 😳 It doesn’t work. It never works. Women get into these types of situations all the time, because they don’t want to be alone, or they think they can leverage a guy that they’re at least “something” with, into a romantic relationship, and they fail. He’s got what he wants, and you’re left having wasted years on him, because you allowed yourself to. 😳 I know that’s hard to hear, but if you don’t wake up and smell the coffee, you will waste all the time in your life when you can have kids, and when you’ve got the ability to attract a wider variety of men, than when you’re older. 😳

Today is the day you get to go after what you want. Don’t falter.

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[Layla55]

I don’t think I’m lazy, although sometimes wish I was, lazy people seem so content!! Instead of always chasing after the next thing, but I guess that’s my nature, grass is always greener. My work, although satisfying, is very solitary. Simply isn’t an opportunity to co-work more. Oh and as for a company cafeteria … I work in 3rd sector lol. I’ve only just realised this is a US site, 3rd sector in UK is a horrifying place to be working in this era not sure if US is the same! Hence desperately seeking a new job, but that’s a whole new area.

What are pot luck dinner parties? I do host dinner parties but are these a special kind?

It’s only been friends with benefits for the last 6 months, 4 months of which I enjoyed and frankly needed to give me confidence back as a sexual person after the abusive guy I met last year and dated. So I know it is the right thing now in walking away before any other feelings develop more. But don’t we need to allow ourselves to accept that we’re feeling awful, sometimes, and that we [i]are[/i] going to miss someone before the time passes that means we have moved on? Doesn’t mean we can’t start doing things to heal ourselves, but I know I have tried to be strong in the past and pretended I don’t care, for it all to collapse in on me months later. Fact is I do care and I will miss him. He may not be Mr Right but he was a friend, and a loss of a friend – with benefits or not – is always something I grieve for. As I don’t have family my friends are very special to me.

So maybe the lesson should have been to continue accepting that it was only a friendship and our relationship we once had was buried. The chemistry was so strong though, once we were both single and living near each other again. I should have been stronger than the chemistry, and not instigated it. But I think it’s also important to find good things to be able to move on, and I guess I have got my confidence back when it comes to intimacy and I know I will meet new dates feeling once more an attractive woman.

Just rambling now! Sorry. It’s been good to ramble though.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]I don’t think I’m lazy, although sometimes wish I was, lazy people seem so content!![/quote]

You may not be lazy at work, but you’re definitely lazy at relationships! I don’t mean to insult you, but you need to really see what kind of work is required to date smart and get what you want! 😉

[quote]Instead of always chasing after the next thing, but I guess that’s my nature, grass is always greener.[/quote]

I’m not suggest you “always chase after the next thing”. 😯 I’m suggesting you FOCUS on what you want and go get it.

[quote]My work, although satisfying, is very solitary. Simply isn’t an opportunity to co-work more. Oh and as for a company cafeteria … I work in 3rd sector lol. I’ve only just realised this is a US site, 3rd sector in UK is a horrifying place to be working in this era not sure if US is the same! Hence desperately seeking a new job, but that’s a whole new area. [/quote]

If your work is solitary then spend your lunch break walking around the park, the mall, the neighborhood, etc. Find a new coffee shop. Smile, talk, flirt…. It’s free and easy and accessible! Unless you’re working 24/7, use your weekends, your evenings, your lunch breaks and your mornings to be aware that there are lots of men out there and many of them are single! If you don’t meet them, they’re not going to be potential dates.

[quote]What are pot luck dinner parties? I do host dinner parties but are these a special kind? [/quote]

Pot luck parties are parties where everyone brings a dish of food to share. For instance someone brings lasagna; someone brings chicken; someone brings salad, etc. If you don’t assign what you’d like everyone to bring, then you’re either lucky or not, depending what’s in the pot they bring! You can end up with six deserts and no entrees or all salads and no desert — it’s fun! 😀 And it’s easy because it doesn’t cost any money for the hostess.

[quote]But don’t we need to allow ourselves to accept that we’re feeling awful, sometimes, and that we are going to miss someone before the time passes that means we have moved on? [/quote]

You’re posing this question as a general rule by using “we” instead of “you” or “I”. You get to do whatever you want, but rather than wallow, my suggestion is to move on and realize that this relationship is holding you back. 😉

[quote]Doesn’t mean we can’t start doing things to heal ourselves, but I know I have tried to be strong in the past and pretended I don’t care, for it all to collapse in on me months later. [/quote]

Again, you’re speaking in general, and not about YOUR specific situation! I’m not asking you to pretend anything, in fact, I don’t think pretending is a good idea. I think you should realize the fact that this is Mr. Right Now. You don’t have to pretend it — it’s true. If you stay with Mr. Right Now, you’ll never meet Mr. Right. 😉

[quote]Fact is I do care and I will miss him. He may not be Mr Right but he was a friend, and a loss of a friend – with benefits or not – is always something I grieve for. As I don’t have family my friends are very special to me.[/quote]

He’s not a friend because friends don’t have sex with you. There’s a huge difference. If you don’t have friends, then that’s a separate problem, and you should focus on why you don’t have friends, and make some so you don’t rely on people you’re sleeping with to do double duty.

[quote]So maybe the lesson should have been to continue accepting that it was only a friendship and our relationship we once had was buried.[/quote]

This was not a friendship. Real friends don’t treat you this way. Sex is not something that friends share. It changes relationships.

[quote]The chemistry was so strong though, once we were both single and living near each other again. I should have been stronger than the chemistry, and not instigated it. But I think it’s also important to find good things to be able to move on, and I guess I have got my confidence back when it comes to intimacy and I know I will meet new dates feeling once more an attractive woman.[/quote]

Well, that’s good news!! 😀

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[Layla55]

Thanks for making me think and the suggestions.

I am still online dating, who knows, maybe one day someone will turn out to be in real life someone I do actually click with.

I do need time to wallow. I know from past experience that smiling and telling yourself it doesn’t matter works for a while, but sooner or later I collapse big time from the effort of holding it together. This week will be to recover, talk to my friends, eat cake and drink wine, and hopefully start to smile again. The decision has been made, I’ve told him I want to leave it now and he hasn’t responded because he knows there is nothing he or I needs to say now.

The quote you gave about someone being Mr Right Now but not Mr Right made sense. I could let him continue being Mr Right Now if I wanted, but that time has come to an end now.

So if someone is a friend, and then we start having sex with them, is it impossible to still have a friendship? The friendship with this guy was complicated by the fact we had had a relationship (a “proper”! relationship) initially and became friends only after I moved away and we were both with new partners. But I think I would have called him a friend still, despite the recent sex. And I think we should have resisted the urge to be intimate again, and have stayed friends, because we can’t go back to that now. I’ll miss the butterflies that went in my tummy when he used to kiss me, but I’ll also miss being able to ring him for a lift home if it’s raining and I’m without car, being able to stop by his for a cup of coffee and a chat when I’m down, or him bringing me my supermarket shop if I’m poorly like last week! Will also miss the laughter 🙁

You’ve reassured me I made the right decision yesterday in letting it go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[quote]So if someone is a friend, and then we start having sex with them, is it impossible to still have a friendship?[/quote]

No. Friends don’t have sex with each other. That’s not friendship.

Men and women can’t be friends, because one person always feels differently about the other, and the dynamic isn’t one of equality or even honesty that friendship possesses.

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