[onelove]

I met a man whom I connected with in many different levels. Emotionally, Spiritually and Intellectually.
I met him online and we connected right away. We spoke for over two months everyday and we finally met.
I was willing to move closer to him to work on the relationship because it would be easier for me to move.
He did everything he could to help me connect to the right people for future employment in his area.
My children and his children were also communicating with each other. My children were excited, they saw that I was happy and they were very hopeful.
We met everything was going well, he introduced me to one of his friends and was going to introduce me to his coworkers whom he wanted me to meet.

He has been divorced for 10 years. Then on the third day his ex wife called because there were issues with his child who is 12 years old. He had to go over to her house to mediate between mother and child and was quiet upset with the whole thing. He then tells me, “you and your children need to stay where you are at, I cant deal with this and have you in the middle of it, we need to slow it down” I was surprised but I was going to be fine with slowing it down. Then as the conversation continued with the reasons of why? I also asked are you letting me go? Which to my horror he said “YES!!!” He said he didn’t want our relationship ruined because he still need to deal with his child and that, his said child was a manipulator.
I was very heart broken, stunned and shocked because in my eyes he didn’t give me enough credit. He didn’t really give the relationship a chance to see if I could handle it.
When I returned home to my children, I told them what had occured. They were very heart broken as well my oldest was holding on to hope that he would come back, my other child wrote in their journal, everything I love has been taken away from me even my future stepfather. I don’t feel anything anymore. and my other child still ask about him who is in prek, wants to know why I don’t talk to him anymore what happend to my friend. He had sent her a video in response to something my child did and said he was proud of her. She at times will ask will he be proud of me, mama?

I am upset with myself because I fell in love with a man who I thought loved me. He was getting himself and his household ready for “us”. I am upset and angry because my children were hurt by it too. I met his child in person and thought his child was wonderful. How can you just change your mind so quickly on a dime?
After I left he continued to communicate with me for several days then stopped.. I have not spoken with him or communicated with him at all. I will not chase him.
I want to confront him and show him how he has affected my family. Not to change his mind, because I know that once a man’s mind is made up you really can’t change it, it is really up to him. I have no influence or control over a man’s decisions.

[AskApril Masini]

How long had you been dating before you broke up?

[onelove]

We met on line, we spoke everyday for two months. I traveled 700 miles to meet him, I spent 5 days with him and child.
Dating was not ever part of our relationship. Other than talking everyday.
I do realize that it was fast and quick, but I have met a man who has matched me on many different levels.
I was willing to slow things down willing to move, not to live with him but to foster and continue the relationship. WE both are in our late forties.

[AskApril Masini]

You moved your kids 700 miles so you could all be with a man you met online and never dated? 😯

Time to get a grip. 😕 You’re putting your children through chaos. My advice is that you focus on parenting. Your kids need consistency. Do not introduce them to your dates or guys you meet online until you’ve dated the guy for about six months or more and have gotten to know him and trust him. By dragging your children through your own dating process and involving them and their lives in those of guys you meet online, you’re creating a lot of emotional chaos for them. You have to be their rock and you have to be very strong and protective. So, kids first. Then dating.

Next, use the first three months of dating a guy to decide if you want to continue dating him. That’s how you’ll get to know his relationships with his own kids, their mother, etc. Instead of being shocked and hurt, you’ll be learning without the risk. If, after three months of dating, you want to continue seeing each other, use the next three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. In other words, slow it down and date smart, not impulsively! 😉

I hope that helps.

[onelove]

Thank you yes it does. The lesson was well learned. No I never did move but was willing to.

[AskApril Masini]

Got it — sorry! You never moved your kids. You just travelled 700 miles to see him for the first time for 5 days — with his child. 😕 The first date should never involve kids. It’s too stressful them and it’s no surprise his child felt manipulative. Kids need protection, not exposure to grown up drama. Especially when their family structure is in flux. 😳 It’s also really hard to get to know your date when he’s parenting. I know it was five days, but still… it was only five days. 😉

I’m not sure if you’re new to dating or not, in spite of being in your 40s, but when you date a single parent, their children are going to be part of your life, as is their ex and even her boyfriends or spouses, because they’ll all be co-parenting. This makes second marriages a lot more difficult than first marriages. Keep this in mind when you choose someone to date. I do believe you get it, and you’ve got the lesson learned under your belt. 🙂

Next!

[Sally]

You didn’t imagine what you had. He helped you plan, involved the kids, talked about a future, and then pulled the rug out fast. That kind of switch leaves shock behind, not just sadness.

What likely happened is fear took over him the moment real life got messy. His child situation reminded him that blending lives isn’t simple, and instead of facing that with you, he shut the door. That doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy or capable. It means he panicked.

The hardest part is the kids. That’s real pain, and it’s okay to be angry about that. But confronting him probably won’t bring the relief you want. He already chose distance.
You didn’t fail here. You trusted someone who showed you a future, then couldn’t stand in it. Right now, protecting your kids and yourself matters more than answers he may never give.

[Tara]

This man did not “change his mind suddenly.” He was NEVER as solid as you projected him to be. You built a future in your head faster than reality could support it, and you involved your children before his life was stable enough to sustain anything new. That wasn’t love, that was accelerated fantasy fueled by words, attention, and convenience. When real pressure appeared on his child, his ex, actual responsibility and folded instantly. That tells you everything about his capacity as a partner. Ready men don’t eject people the moment life gets inconvenient. They don’t talk about “us” and then erase it in a single conversation.

Now let’s get brutally clear about the part you’re avoiding: you don’t want to confront him to “show him the impact.” You want emotional closure, validation, and accountability from a man who has already proven he avoids discomfort by cutting and running. Confronting him won’t make him reflect; it will only give him relief that he escaped a situation that required emotional leadership. He already chose himself over you and your children without hesitation. Expecting him to suddenly care about the fallout is naïve. He knows. He just doesn’t care enough to stay.

The damage to your children is the most important lesson here, and it’s on you, not him. You allowed hope to outpace proof. You let promises replace time. You trusted momentum instead of consistency. That doesn’t make you evil, but it does mean you need to tighten your judgment immediately. Your children don’t need to see you chase explanations from a man who exited cleanly. They need to see you model strength, boundaries, and emotional containment. You don’t need to “show him” anything. His behavior already showed you everything.

[Member]

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