[Ashtin]

Thank you very much for your advice. I will definitely give it a shot.

I have one follow-up question, this time regarding my recent break-up. (sorry, this is going to be a bit long-winded.)

My ex and I had been together for about five and a half years. Throughout that time, we often BOTH commented on how we wouldn’t want to live together because we each like having out own space and our routine, so it worked out fine. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s crazy to “just” date someone for five years, but it worked for us because that’s what we both wanted. And we were exclusive.

Then, in the last few months of the relationship, she changed her tune and said that she would like to know that we would eventually live together. Unfortunately, she had a lot of problems with how she ran her life (bad financial decisions, unable/unwilling to hold a job, not cleaning her apartment to the point where rooms became unuseable, etc, etc). I could overlook these things as long as we lived separately, but if we lived together, I knew it would become a serious problem. So I told her that I couldn’t really consider living together until I saw her taking definite steps to improve those aspects of her life. And I offered to work with her to improve, but she always refused my help, saying she would get to it on her own. Sadly, she never did. I lent her money many times to bail her out when she wasn’t working, and I never pressured her to pay me back because I honestly cared more about her getting her life sorted out than I cared about my money.

Then she asked me again, “Will we ever live together?” And I was in an irritable mood that day, so I said rather bluntly, “No, I don’t think so.” I just didn’t feel like elaborating AGAIN that I would need to see her improve her life before we could move in.

Needless to say, she was not happy with my answer, and we eventually had a very long conversation about it, and I assured her repeatedly that I did love her, but I just really, really needed to see her take better care of herself. Her response was, “You’re the man, you’re supposed to want to take care of me! If you truly love someone, you don’t let their problems get in the way.”

After that, we decided to take some time apart to think things over and decide how to proceed.
I eventually wrote to her, telling her that I missed her, and still loved her, and I suggested moving in together on kind of a trial basis to see how it goes, because I still had misgivings about how she handled her life. She said she was too hurt by how I rejected her, and she would need more time to think about it.

A couple of weeks go by, and then she sends me an email saying, “Please don’t try to contact me. I’m too upset to talk to you.” And she blocked my email address.

A month goes by, and she suggests chatting online. We have a surprisingly pleasant chat– joking with each other, etc– and she tells me about all the progress she made in her life during the past month, and I tell her how impressed I am, etc. We then exchange a few pleasant emails back and forth after that. I even suggested going to the movies. She said she would kind of like to, but she still felt it was a bit too soon.

Several days later, I see her online again, so I send her an IM to say hello, but this time she seems very cold and distant towards me. Finally, she spews out a rant about how she feels “NOTHING BUT OUTRAGE AND IRE” towards me, and how it will be a “COLD DAY IN HELL” before we’ll ever reconcile. She says I broke her heart when I told her I didn’t want to live together, and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Then she ended the chat before I could respond.

I’m still stunned and hurt by her outburst. Based on the fact that we had over five years of a good relationship, and that we seemed to be close to some kind of reconciliation recently, there’s a part of me that feels like I ought to at least try to reach out to her one last time to see if we can make things work again. But there’s another part of me that thinks maybe I should just take a hint and let it go. There’s also a part of me that thinks if that’s how she handles things when we butt heads, maybe I’m better off without her. Yet, I still miss her terribly because in spite of these recent problems, we had over five years filled with lots of good times.

So I’m just curious to get your thoughts on the situation, and on what I should do.
Thanks for reading all this!

[Ashtin]

DO you still like her? If so, then why not just tell her that you still like her, and that the argument was no big deal?
Or don’t even mention the argument (since it was no big deal), just call her and say something like, “Hey, I was just thinking about you and wanted to call and say hi,” and just put the whole argument behind you, and move on to other (happier) topics of discussion. She’ll figure out soon enough that still like her if you’re willingly calling her and cheerfully having a conversation with her. But if you start talking to her less (as you say you’re doing), then naturally she’ll think you don’t like her as much anymore.

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