[Ashtin]

Hi April,
I’m going through a bit of a rough spot, and I’d really appreciate your help. I’ve never had a big social circle by any means. Usually just two or three good friends at a time while growing up, and I didn’t get a real girlfriend until I was 30 (feel free to laugh.) That relationship lasted several years, and during it, I didn’t bother to try to expand my social circle at all because, frankly, I was perfectly happy spending my free time with her. And I’m not the sort of person who particularly wants or enjoys being with large groups of people, so it was all good.

Sadly, my relationship with her ended quite suddenly recently, and I have been feeling extremely alone and depressed lately. I don’t drink, so the bar scene isn’t for me, and I really don’t know where to turn to meet new people. I signed up for an evening class because I figured it would be a way to meet like-minded people (not to mention that learning something new is always good), but there’s no one I really connect with in the class. Don’t get me wrong, they’re nice enough people, and we chat a bit before and after class, but I don’t feel any urge to hang out with them beyond that.

At the moment, I really only have two friends, neither of whom I get to see very often. One of them lives in another state, and the other one is someone I’m not THAT close too.
I realize this whole letter sounds truly pathetic, but I assure you, I don’t walk around moping in public. I put on a cheery face, and do my best to act like everything is ok, since I know that I’ll have even less chance of meeting people if I walk around looking depressed about things. I exercise regularly and keep myself well-groomed because I don’t want people to see me as somebody pathetic.

So I guess my question to you is a very basic one: How do I meet people? It sounds stupid, but In 37 years, I still haven’t quite figured out how to do this. I feel awkward and obnoxious going up to strangers and chatting with them. And since I don’t really know anybody, it’s not as if I’m getting invited to parties where I could meet people. I’ve tried online dating sites (which is how I met my ex), but they’re making me feel even more depressed because naturally everyone is looking to meet fun, vivacious people with active social lives… which doesn’t describe me at all at the moment (it’s also depressing to send out emails to women on those sites, and rarely get any kind of reply. Everytime, it just makes me feel more and more alone/rejected.) It kind of feels like when an employer doesn’t want to hire somebody because the person has no experience, yet the person can’t get experience because nobody will hire them.
I’ve looked into the possibility of joining the neighborhood gym, but honestly, my neighborhood isn’t really a great place for meeting new people– it seems to consist mainly of older couples who are already married with children (or grandchildren). And at my age (37) I guess there will be fewer and fewer single folks anywhere I look.

Anyway, any tips you could offer would be greatly appreciated. I know I NEED to change, I just don’t know where to begin. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sure that in 37 years you’ve been to coffee shops, new classes, gyms, parks, parties and the office water cooler. I kind of doubt you need a GPS system to tell you where to go to meet people (but if you do, read Date Out of Your League, a book I wrote for men who need some tips and advice dating: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]). I have a feeling the problem has more to do with you reaching out and connecting with them.

Part of the problem you’re having now is that you’ve never really wanted or needed many friends. Now, you’re heartbroken over a break up and are looking for some support. And because it sounds like the first time you’ve really been in this situation, the making friends skill is eluding you.

Try opening conversations with strangers. Start at the coffee shop, the grocery store, the dry cleaner and while waiting for your car in the valet line. This is a great exercise and it will give you practice and confidence. Small talk is a good skill. Next, build on that, and start having longer conversations when you find someone with something interesting to say or with someone who has an interesting look! After you’re able to do that, begin reaching out and making plans with them to get together at a later date. Movies, exercise class, shopping trips — invite them to join you.

These are friendship building skills. See how they work for you.

Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url]. 😀

[Ashtin]

Thank you very much for your advice. I will definitely give it a shot.

I have one follow-up question, this time regarding my recent break-up. (sorry, this is going to be a bit long-winded.)

My ex and I had been together for about five and a half years. Throughout that time, we often BOTH commented on how we wouldn’t want to live together because we each like having out own space and our routine, so it worked out fine. I know you’re probably thinking that it’s crazy to “just” date someone for five years, but it worked for us because that’s what we both wanted. And we were exclusive.

Then, in the last few months of the relationship, she changed her tune and said that she would like to know that we would eventually live together. Unfortunately, she had a lot of problems with how she ran her life (bad financial decisions, unable/unwilling to hold a job, not cleaning her apartment to the point where rooms became unuseable, etc, etc). I could overlook these things as long as we lived separately, but if we lived together, I knew it would become a serious problem. So I told her that I couldn’t really consider living together until I saw her taking definite steps to improve those aspects of her life. And I offered to work with her to improve, but she always refused my help, saying she would get to it on her own. Sadly, she never did. I lent her money many times to bail her out when she wasn’t working, and I never pressured her to pay me back because I honestly cared more about her getting her life sorted out than I cared about my money.

Then she asked me again, “Will we ever live together?” And I was in an irritable mood that day, so I said rather bluntly, “No, I don’t think so.” I just didn’t feel like elaborating AGAIN that I would need to see her improve her life before we could move in.

Needless to say, she was not happy with my answer, and we eventually had a very long conversation about it, and I assured her repeatedly that I did love her, but I just really, really needed to see her take better care of herself. Her response was, “You’re the man, you’re supposed to want to take care of me! If you truly love someone, you don’t let their problems get in the way.”

After that, we decided to take some time apart to think things over and decide how to proceed.
I eventually wrote to her, telling her that I missed her, and still loved her, and I suggested moving in together on kind of a trial basis to see how it goes, because I still had misgivings about how she handled her life. She said she was too hurt by how I rejected her, and she would need more time to think about it.

A couple of weeks go by, and then she sends me an email saying, “Please don’t try to contact me. I’m too upset to talk to you.” And she blocked my email address.

A month goes by, and she suggests chatting online. We have a surprisingly pleasant chat– joking with each other, etc– and she tells me about all the progress she made in her life during the past month, and I tell her how impressed I am, etc. We then exchange a few pleasant emails back and forth after that. I even suggested going to the movies. She said she would kind of like to, but she still felt it was a bit too soon.

Several days later, I see her online again, so I send her an IM to say hello, but this time she seems very cold and distant towards me. Finally, she spews out a rant about how she feels “NOTHING BUT OUTRAGE AND IRE” towards me, and how it will be a “COLD DAY IN HELL” before we’ll ever reconcile. She says I broke her heart when I told her I didn’t want to live together, and she wants nothing to do with me anymore. Then she ended the chat before I could respond.

I’m still stunned and hurt by her outburst. Based on the fact that we had over five years of a good relationship, and that we seemed to be close to some kind of reconciliation recently, there’s a part of me that feels like I ought to at least try to reach out to her one last time to see if we can make things work again. But there’s another part of me that thinks maybe I should just take a hint and let it go. There’s also a part of me that thinks if that’s how she handles things when we butt heads, maybe I’m better off without her. Yet, I still miss her terribly because in spite of these recent problems, we had over five years filled with lots of good times.

So I’m just curious to get your thoughts on the situation, and on what I should do.
Thanks for reading all this!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please take my advice from the last post, and buy Date Out of Your League: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. It’s going to help you a lot, and it helps support this free advice here. So please buy it — it’s only $8.99 — and read it! 😀

In short, women will want a commitment, and it was very probable that she was going to want more than just five years of dating. (That’s why you need to read Date Out of Your League so you can save yourself time and energy: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]!) You also got to know her in five years, and there was very little chance she was going to make any changes. By conditioning the future of the relationship on her changing who she is, you’re asking her to commit to you, not her past behaviors. She’s not interested, and has made this clear.

It’s time for you to move on altogether and this time, learn more about women before you get involved — which is why I want you to read Date Out of Your League [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. 😉

I hope that helps. Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url][/url].

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