[NerdGirl11]

Dear April,

Just a quick note, I have posted here before but this post is in reference to different relationship than the first one.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 months. I am a graduate student, he’s finishing undergrad. We’re both the sane age (in our early 20s). We met while studying abroad and hit it off. He is the most wonderful boyfriend. I couldn’t ask for better. However, now that we’re both back in the US, I’m noticing something that slightly concerns me. My boyfriend has never had a job. He’s a 5th year undergrad by choice. His parents encouraged him to triple major, and they pay for everything. And when I say everything, I mean pretty much anything he wants. They’re not rich, but they are comfortable enough. He’s been abroad 5 times over the five years he’s been in college, he has all the latest technology (iphone, ipad, etc), and as much spending money as needed. I, on the other hand, have worked every single summer since I was in high school. I pay for 95% of my own living expenses, and I have a vehicle that I bought myself. I am careful with my spending, while he doesn’t really know what it means to go without. He means well, but he’s never experienced the typical “crappy summer job” that everyone else does during college. When it comes time to buy each other gifts, I find myself getting annoyed because I work hard to afford something nice, and he just uses his parents money. He often wants to go on vacations/day trips, but it’s not always possible for me. Plus, he doesn’t have a car and can only use his parents’ when they let him. This makes transportation an issue when we want to see each other. There are times when he just can’t relate to the stresses associated with balancing a checkbook. Although I care deeply about him, sometimes it’s hard not to feel like we live very differently.

Now that he’s going to grad school, his parents told him they’d foot his living expenses so he could focus on his studies. They’re renting a one bedroom for him so he won’t have to have a roommate. He wants to move in together eventually, but I don’t want to split rent on a place that he’s not paying for himself. Even at present, we can’t really make any decisions as a couple (ie, visiting friends an hour away, going out to a nice dinner) without him having to ask his parents if he can have the money to do so. As a result, they know about pretty much every move we make. They’re very very nice, but he relies on them a lot. He says that it shouldn’t matter that they support him, but I just feel like we should be equal financial footing if we were to live together.

I’ve discussed this with him, and he always says that he plans to get a job sometime in the next year or two after grad school. He wants a very specific type of job in his field. Sometimes I just worry that his parents have spent so much time shielding him from financial stress that we’re sort of on two different levels of adult life. Should I just accept him as is, or is this a sign that he has no desire to be Independent?

[NerdGirl11]

Thanks for the advice! I think my Mom’s motivation is that she expects a lot from my Dad, in terms of him doing things for her, he goes way out of his way a lot of the time because he loves her so much. So, I guess logically she expects I’d want a man like that too. It’s not that I don’t, it’s just that I don’t wanna be unfair to my boyfriend and tell him that we’re through if he can’t get the time off to visit. Like you said, our relationship is still new. Plus, I feel like my Mom should be more understanding about the fact that he already took a job that will enable him to be in the same city as me once I get back. He had several other job offers and took that one. I hope my Mom will see that in time if our relationship continues down the road. Thanks.

[NerdGirl11]

Hi April,

You’ll be glad to know that since my last post, things have been going great for my boyfriend and !. Since I’ve left to go abroad, we’ve both learned to adjust and talk almost every day, as well as skype several times per week. I do have one new question, though, and would appreciate some advice. In the 5 weeks before I left to go abroad, my boyfriend and I spent a weekend together at his house, as well as a week on vacation with my family. It was a great time, and and we both had a lot of fun. Around this time, my Mom started to pester me about why he wasn’t coming to visit more often. I tried to tell her that my parents’ house and his house are 6 hours apart, so it isn’t easy to just jump up and go. Plus, he is in the process of starting a new job (we are both new college grads) as well as moving into a new apartment with his brother, so he was lucky he could get the 9 days off work that he did for us to spend the weekend and go on vacation. She asked if he was planning to come visit me while I was working abroad for the year in Spain. I replied that if his new job would give him the time off, he said he wanted to come. Since he’s new to his job, it’s not like he can just do whatever he wants. She started saying that if he really cared about me, he’d take the time off work no matter what. We ended up in an argument, because I think she was being a little unreasonable. I know that my boyfriend cares about me, so much so that he took a job in the same city (New York) that I would be living in when I got back from abroad. I am firm in that belief, but I want a second opinion. Do you think my boyfriend’s possible inability to visit is a sign he doesn’t care, or is my Mom just being kind of nuts? Thanks.

[Member]

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