[NerdGirl11]

Dear April,

My boyfriend and I have been together four months and are about to finish college. I am leaving for a master’s program abroad for a year. He’s staying in the US to work. We really like each other and want to stay together even though we’ll be long distance for a year. However, my I am concerned because my boyfriend is pretty introverted. He’s highly intelligent, but he grew up with a Father who never communicated with his Mom, so I guess he never really learned how. He’s also really shy, although he’s fairly talkative around me, especially when we’re alone. However, I sometimes have trouble communicating with him via text because he often texts one word responses to things, like “ok” or “idk” and I have trouble discerning what that means without asking him directly. Even in person, it can sometimes take a while for him to verbalize things. I worry that while I’m abroad, communication could become difficult because he doesn’t always say exactly what he feels and it can be like pulling teeth to get him to articulate it over the phone or text, etc. He just doesn’t know [i]how[/i]. I want to explain that I need him to be more expressive about how he feels, especially since we’ll be relying on Skype and e-mail a ton while I’m away and I’d hate to have to break up because of something so easily fixable. I know that if I present it the wrong way, it’ll freak him out and I don’t want to make him feel bad because I really care about him. What’s the best way to go about this? Thanks!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

One way to approach this is to offer him sugar instead of vinegar. 😉 Instead of “teaching him” like a stern advisor, tell him how great his communication is when he does something you like. You can say, “I love it when you really told me x, y and z because it made me feel close to you. Will you do that again?” If he thinks you’re critical and unhappy with his communication, he’s not going want to change things — he’ll retreat. Men want to feel like winners — not inadequate.

However, since he’s always been like this, there’s a good chance he will continue to do so. The question then becomes, can YOU change instead of expecting him to? I know you want him to meet your standards of communication, but if he can’t, can you meet his? Can you be okay with his terse texts? What’s fair is somewhere in the middle between your needs and his — but fair doesn’t always enter into relationships. Practicality does.

Long distance relationships aren’t for everyone, so really think about how you can make this work if that’s what you both want. Figure out how often you’ll meet up, if at all. Figure out how often you’d like to communicate. When playing it out in your head, you may realize this isn’t for you — or you may realize it is, but that you have to come up with a plan for how you’re both going to get your needs met as best as you can under the circumstances.

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[NerdGirl11]

Hi April,

You’ll be glad to know that since my last post, things have been going great for my boyfriend and !. Since I’ve left to go abroad, we’ve both learned to adjust and talk almost every day, as well as skype several times per week. I do have one new question, though, and would appreciate some advice. In the 5 weeks before I left to go abroad, my boyfriend and I spent a weekend together at his house, as well as a week on vacation with my family. It was a great time, and and we both had a lot of fun. Around this time, my Mom started to pester me about why he wasn’t coming to visit more often. I tried to tell her that my parents’ house and his house are 6 hours apart, so it isn’t easy to just jump up and go. Plus, he is in the process of starting a new job (we are both new college grads) as well as moving into a new apartment with his brother, so he was lucky he could get the 9 days off work that he did for us to spend the weekend and go on vacation. She asked if he was planning to come visit me while I was working abroad for the year in Spain. I replied that if his new job would give him the time off, he said he wanted to come. Since he’s new to his job, it’s not like he can just do whatever he wants. She started saying that if he really cared about me, he’d take the time off work no matter what. We ended up in an argument, because I think she was being a little unreasonable. I know that my boyfriend cares about me, so much so that he took a job in the same city (New York) that I would be living in when I got back from abroad. I am firm in that belief, but I want a second opinion. Do you think my boyfriend’s possible inability to visit is a sign he doesn’t care, or is my Mom just being kind of nuts? Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend’s current lack of plans to visit you while you’re abroad for a year could be his laissez faire attitude in which he wants to see how things work out. Which is normal. Or they could be his plans as of right now. In other words, he may realize in a month or two after you’ve been gone that he really misses you and wants to come visit and will make plans to travel later. Either way, he’s not necessarily disinterested, and he’s also not giving you a commitment — both of which are pretty normal for a relationship that is as new as yours, at your ages when you’re still “trying out” the world.

Your mother is anxious about your future with this guy and she’s trying to lock up a commitment from him or get you to move on because there is no commitment. While her intentions are probably good ones, it would be a good idea for you to understand her motivation for pushing you so you can make your own decisions. 😉

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[NerdGirl11]

Thanks for the advice! I think my Mom’s motivation is that she expects a lot from my Dad, in terms of him doing things for her, he goes way out of his way a lot of the time because he loves her so much. So, I guess logically she expects I’d want a man like that too. It’s not that I don’t, it’s just that I don’t wanna be unfair to my boyfriend and tell him that we’re through if he can’t get the time off to visit. Like you said, our relationship is still new. Plus, I feel like my Mom should be more understanding about the fact that he already took a job that will enable him to be in the same city as me once I get back. He had several other job offers and took that one. I hope my Mom will see that in time if our relationship continues down the road. Thanks.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome! 😀

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[NerdGirl11]

Dear April,

Just a quick note, I have posted here before but this post is in reference to different relationship than the first one.

My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 months. I am a graduate student, he’s finishing undergrad. We’re both the sane age (in our early 20s). We met while studying abroad and hit it off. He is the most wonderful boyfriend. I couldn’t ask for better. However, now that we’re both back in the US, I’m noticing something that slightly concerns me. My boyfriend has never had a job. He’s a 5th year undergrad by choice. His parents encouraged him to triple major, and they pay for everything. And when I say everything, I mean pretty much anything he wants. They’re not rich, but they are comfortable enough. He’s been abroad 5 times over the five years he’s been in college, he has all the latest technology (iphone, ipad, etc), and as much spending money as needed. I, on the other hand, have worked every single summer since I was in high school. I pay for 95% of my own living expenses, and I have a vehicle that I bought myself. I am careful with my spending, while he doesn’t really know what it means to go without. He means well, but he’s never experienced the typical “crappy summer job” that everyone else does during college. When it comes time to buy each other gifts, I find myself getting annoyed because I work hard to afford something nice, and he just uses his parents money. He often wants to go on vacations/day trips, but it’s not always possible for me. Plus, he doesn’t have a car and can only use his parents’ when they let him. This makes transportation an issue when we want to see each other. There are times when he just can’t relate to the stresses associated with balancing a checkbook. Although I care deeply about him, sometimes it’s hard not to feel like we live very differently.

Now that he’s going to grad school, his parents told him they’d foot his living expenses so he could focus on his studies. They’re renting a one bedroom for him so he won’t have to have a roommate. He wants to move in together eventually, but I don’t want to split rent on a place that he’s not paying for himself. Even at present, we can’t really make any decisions as a couple (ie, visiting friends an hour away, going out to a nice dinner) without him having to ask his parents if he can have the money to do so. As a result, they know about pretty much every move we make. They’re very very nice, but he relies on them a lot. He says that it shouldn’t matter that they support him, but I just feel like we should be equal financial footing if we were to live together.

I’ve discussed this with him, and he always says that he plans to get a job sometime in the next year or two after grad school. He wants a very specific type of job in his field. Sometimes I just worry that his parents have spent so much time shielding him from financial stress that we’re sort of on two different levels of adult life. Should I just accept him as is, or is this a sign that he has no desire to be Independent?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are usually differences between couples. And money as well as the way people are raised with it, are big ones. But, it’s not something you can’t overcome. However, it’s important to be honest with yourself, with him, and by matching your behavior with your feelings. In other words, find your boundaries and be true to them. Your feelings in this relationship, and the one prior with the introvert, came because you had trouble expressing what you were feeling in a productive way. You took care of the guy’s feelings and suffered your own.

So with this guy, you can express how you’re feeling in a way that poses questions without passing judgment. In other words, you can tell him how lucky it is for him not to have the burden of supporting himself while he’s in school. See what his response is. Follow up with a question about your wondering if it will be difficult for him to take a job when he graduates, and what that might look like. This opens the discussion about your future together without passing judgment or applying pressure.

On the other hand, just because his family is supporting his education doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate it and isn’t going to fly right once he graduates. But you’re right to be concerned. That said, if you are going to live together while his parents are supporting him, it isn’t fair for them to foot the bill for both of you — unless of course they want to. Which puts the ball back in your court — maybe it’s not such a good idea to move in with a man who is supported by his parents. 😉 It’s a much better idea to save that commitment for a man who looks like he has a future that you want to be part of. So far, this guy may be a fun boyfriend, but he hasn’t proved himself as a good husband, or someone who can take on the world, himself, the way you have. So my advice is not to move in with him until you feel more confident about a future together. 😉

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