[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill. 😉 If your six weeks of dating are going great when you’re together, and the only problem is that she doesn’t respond as quickly or as often as you’d like, let this one ride. I know you’re official — but it’s only been six weeks of dating. You still have a lot to get to know about each other. And just because she drops out during the day, doesn’t mean she doesn’t like you, is cheating on you, or is intentionally ignoring you. She’s probably focused on work, friends, family and all those wonderful things that make her a well-rounded person. 😉 Also, people who work out of their homes may give the impression of having lots of free time or more control over their time than they actually do. So her casual work set up may actually be more intense than you think, and when she drops out it’s because she’s focused on work.

One thing you can do is try to notice what types of texts you’re sending her that don’t get a response you like — and change that pattern on your end. For instance, if you send her a generic, “How’s your day going?” and you don’t get a response you like, try something else. For instance, give her a compliment, or send her an interesting link or a funny comic. Dating is a way to get to know each other, and you’re learning what works and what doesn’t works. Be flexible and try something new if you don’t like a response you’re getting.

But, all in all, I think you’re fine — she’s just busy during the day. This isn’t an insult you’re getting. It’s just you dating a woman with a lot going on!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s never had a girlfriend before, so he doesn’t understand that he was rushing things. He was just excited. Usually, people spend the first three months of dating to decide if they even want to continue seeing each other — because there’s so much to learn about each other. Meeting parents in the first two months is jumping the gun. You don’t know each other well enough to invest that kind of commitment and it puts pressure on a relationship that keeps you from getting to know each other naturally — in fact, what happened to the two of you is exactly what I’m talking about. You weren’t wrong to put the breaks on — but breaking up with him over this issue was overreacting. And that’s what happens when there is too much pressure on a couple. Next time you feel pressured in a relationship, try to find an upbeat and positive way to respond — for instance, suggest that next month would be better to meet the parents because you’ll know each other so much better by then. Or suggest that you’d love to meet his parents — and ask him what he thinks about having 10 dates (or make up some number), before doing that. In other words, validate his desire, but also suggest an alternative or a way to expand on what he wants. Shutting the relationship down altogether was your reaction to the pressure he was imposing by trying to create a meeting with his mother too soon.

As to whether or not you blew it — I don’t think this is all your fault. It’s a combination of his pressuring you with a parent meeting too soon, and then you overreacting. You’ve apologized for your part, and now, it’s up to him to decide he’d like to try again, as well. Give him some time…. he’s never had a girlfriend before, so this is new to him… and if he doesn’t come back to you, then maybe next time you date, it would be a good idea for you to date someone who’s had some positive relationship experience already, to avoid this kind of situation.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think he likes you and he’s attracted to you, but he’s not in any rush to get a relationship going. Therefore, the best thing you can do is to play it cool. Give him the time and space to miss you and to ask you out. You’re on different “clocks” and you’re pushing to move things forward, but you might make him feel pressured by doing so. And if he is interested you’ll get better results by playing it cool. So since you texted him on April 25, and he’s not a big texting person, don’t text again — unless he texts you first. Instead, give it a few weeks or a month, and if you want to reach out and invite him to do something, then you can do that (by calling him) and see how he responds. The only reason that may be a problem is that he may be someone who is happy and ready to go out and be with you sexually, when you invite him, but he isn’t as interested in being the one to get or keep the ball rolling himself. That’s going to be dissatisfying to you over the long run. I think you’re confused because you like him and he likes you — but you’re ready for more of a significant, regular relationship, and you haven’t gotten a clue from him that he’s on the same track. So play it cool, and understand that he may be a guy who likes you a lot — but isn’t ready for a relationship. I hope that helps! Let me know if you need anything else.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad you’re happy. I’m not an advocate of “spells”. I believe that if you want to work through on a relationship, and make decisions based on your behavior, your goals, and your partner’s behavior and goals, you’ll learn relationship tools that you can take with you into other relationships — whether they’re romantic, parental, workplace, neighborly or any other kind! If you need any help with your current relationships and you’d like me to advise you, I’m more than happy to do so! Let me know if you have any questions in the future. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. I know you don’t want to, because the implications may mean that she may not be your Ms. Right, and there may be an uncomfortable conflict brewing if you say no to her, but you’re 100% correct in thinking that you shouldn’t automatically be paying for a five day “bridal shower” in Vegas, given your concerns about her past. Typically, a bridal shower is an afternoon lunch or tea. Not a 5 day ordeal in Vegas. A bachelorette party may be a night or a weekend in Vegas — but rarely is it five days because most people don’t have that kind of free time. In addition, if it was legit, there would be a wedding invitation, to which she’d be asking your to be her plus one guest. So, it sounds like this is more of a wild vacation with friends, than anything else. And since you have problems with her past behavior with these friends from her past, it’s time for a conversation with her about relationship boundaries and expectations.

Second, be careful not to enable her. She may have had a controlling and abusive boyfriend in the past, but that doesn’t mean you’re one, too! You get to have your boundaries and say no when you feel things are crossing lines for you, without being labeled controlling. If you don’t, then the control issue remains in your relationship — only you’re being controlled by her. 😕

Third, if you’ve usually pay for her vacations, let her know why you don’t want to pay for this one. If you don’t usually pay for her vacations, then talk with her about why she expects you to foot this bill. Don’t get angry. And, do approach the topic rationally and use it to talk about who pays for what in other areas, too.

Lastly, it sounds like this isn’t about money. It’s about her character — and that’s a big one. If she’s lost custody of her kids because of her past choices, she may lose a good relationship with you through similar choices… not saying she definitely will, but it’s something you have to look out for. Keep your eyes open, don’t get angry, but do address these issues with her, so you’re both clear on what’s going on and what’s okay with each of you, as well as what’s not.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Definitely give him space. That’s a good instinct on your part. Let him have the chance to miss you (as much as you miss him). If he does, he’ll contact you. If a few weeks go by and you don’t hear from him, you can assume that for whatever reason, he’s not interested in more right now. If you want to give it one last try, wait a few weeks, and then shoot him a funny photo of you at the place where the two of you met with a message that is catchy and non-committal — for instance, you found yourself back at the ranch, and wondered how he’s been doing. Don’t ask him a question — just make a statement like that so he can choose to reach out or not.

Whether he’s gone quiet on you because of reasons 1, 2, 3 or 4 — the reasons don’t matter as much as the fact that he’s not ready right now. To keep yourself from pining, get out there and keep going. Play the field. Date. Have fun and meaning in your life, and try not to obsess on what he’s thinking. Instead, be your best self, and let him have the opportunity and space to decide if he wants to connect again. I hope that helps. Let me know if you need more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it was a combination of things that happened. 1) He is newly divorced and hasn’t really started dating yet, so he’s rusty and apprehensive. Getting back out there after a divorce is tougher for some people than others, and because he’s newly divorced, and it hasn’t even been a year since the divorce for him, he may have not been ready to do more than he did. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back when you’re getting back to dating. 2) In addition, it’s only been a few weeks since you’ve known each other, so let the timeline play out. I know it’s hard to slow down when you like someone and you’ve slept with him. But give this a few months before throwing in the towel. He’s got to sort through some conflicting information — like his telling you he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and you telling him the same… but then having sex together on the first date — because sex always changes things, and it made you feel more connected to him. Give him a little time to miss you and to process his feelings. 3) Also, since you’re going through a divorce now, he may have realized you’re still married, and that may have been an obstacle for him. I know you feel divorced, but he may have talked to a friend or his family and they may have told him that since you’re still married, not to get involved or to get serious. They may be protecting him — whether or not he needs protection. 4) And lastly, sometimes people just don’t click. And that’s nobody’s fault! You basically had one first date which was sex at his house — and whether a first date is a boozy hook up or dinner and a movie, lots of relationships don’t get past the first date because it’s just not a match no matter how great things may have appeared to have gone. Consider these four reasons for his behavior, and let me know if you have any more questions!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you dated, but slid into the friend zone, and now, a few years have gone by, you’ve graduated from college, and you find yourself only two hours away, wondering what could be. I know you don’t want to risk the friendship, but you’re at the age where you may lose this opportunity if you don’t take it. Imagine if she started dating someone else and it got serious. The friendship you have with her would change. Her focus would be on her boyfriend, and you’d be someone from her past that she sees now and then. I think that it’s time to get out of the friend zone and take a risk. You may find out that the two of you really enjoy taking things to a more romantic level at this point in your lives — and if you don’t, then at least you’ll have tried. The worst thing you can do is to not give it a shot, and to have regrets. So hedge against that — and go to dinner with her, and make it romantic. See what’s there. You may find your feelings are different, as are hers. As for family match making…
try not to think about your family and her family — and just focus on what you like about her, and give it a go. You’re only two hours away now, and you’ve both grown, matured, and had some life experience under your belt. Use this potential dinner as opportunity. Meet up, show her a romantic good time, and see if there are any sparks. 😉 Seize the day!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Interesting points! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you should talk to her about this painting and it’s meaning to her. You’ve been dating for six months, and since you both want to continue and see if you can make a future together, learning more about each other, and about what’s important to you both, is going to create intimacy and build a strong relationship. So, yes, yes, yes — definitely talk to her about how important this painting is to her, and the meaning behind the importance.

How to do it may be tricky because you want to keep the channel of communication open — especially if this painting has some old relationship significance. So, don’t speak negatively about the painting, any exes or the painter. Negativity will shut her down. Instead, you might want to start by telling her that you really like the painting. Talk a little bit about it in a positive way. See if she opens up a little. If she doesn’t, ask her about the painter — does she know them? How? Was the painting a gift? Something she purchased somewhere? Keep it open and honest. If you feel that she’s closing up or she shuts down quickly, drop it for a while, and wait a few days and when things are in a good place, tell her you’d like to be able to talk to her about things without making her feel badly, and is there a way that she can help you talk about the painting with her?

Another tact is to take her to an art museum for a date. Just enjoy the art and talk about the paintings. Chances are, she’ll open up about the painting she has at home, once art becomes a conversation topic between the two of you.

I know it bothers you that she has feelings for a painting you know nothing about, but if she can open up and share her feelings with you — even if they’re about her past, you may not feel so excluded, and that may make you feel better about the fact that you both have pasts. And if you’re still feeling jealous, you can tell her that you hope that you can give her something one day that she feels that strongly about, as well.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is a great opportunity to have a discussion about the relationship and brainstorm creative solutions! 🙂 These seemingly small challenges can actually be helpful to you, as a couple, to build communication, intimacy and problem solving techniques that you can use again and again in the relationship. I think that you have to get across that this is an opportunity for compromise and fluidity and that you have to try different possible solutions. For instance, if you have a working car, and your own work schedule isn’t too demanding, you’d love to pick her up. But that if your car is in the shop for repairs, or if it’s very late at night and you have a big work day tomorrow, you’d appreciate it she could either get a ride from a colleague, take a taxi or use public transportation. Another option is to move closer to her work so the commute isn’t so long, or to have her stay overnight at a colleague’s house — one who lives close to the airport — when she arrives home late at night And still another option is to get a better job or a second job, yourself, so that you can afford a car that is not in the shop so often or a home that is closer to her work. Bottom line here is that this problem requires both of you to be empathetic, creative and willing to try different options to overcome a financial and a commuting issue as well as a decision on who does the driving when. Try to have the discussion when you’re both well rested and relaxed — not when she’s just landed late at night, or is ready to walk out the door. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so sorry you’re hurt after two and a half years of long-distance romance. It sounds like she isn’t interested in the same thing you are — she wants to keep the distance between the two of you without any “end game” in sight. You sound like you want more — more intimacy, more closeness, more visits, and maybe even marriage. She likes the contact with you, but she isn’t really interested in more. You have to admit, it’s strange that she won’t give you her home address after two and a half years of online dating. That doesn’t sound like someone who’s waiting to get to know a man before she opens up — that sounds like someone who wants to control the distance and the boundaries, and who doesn’t want to get closer to you than she is.

The problem with online relationships is that until you start meeting in person on a regular basis, you don’t really know that very important part of a person. You don’t know how they live, where they live, who they live with, what they really do with their days, etc. As much as you so sweetly want this to be real, unless she is willing to let you into her life beyond the emailing, calling and texting, this relationship isn’t going to progress.

Don’t beat yourself up about pushing to get her address to mail her gifts directly or to meet more often. You were absolutely doing the right thing. You were doing what people who want a real relationship do. Her push back is a sign that she doesn’t want more. My advice is to get over the pain of the break up and get back out there to date someone else who will let you meet more often, and who is more open about their life. My long-distance relationship rule is that if you don’t meet up after the first three months of online contact, move on. Someone who really wants to get close, will want to meet you sooner and more often. I’m sorry this is painful, but I think you’ve learned something important here.

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