[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you have to remember is that your boyfriend didn’t get satisfactory closure from his last breakup, and because it was his first girlfriend, it was a big deal. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you — it just means that there is unfinished business and until he takes care of that, it’s always going to be “out there” like an elephant in the room, with you dreading his feelings for her. Sometimes, you have to face your fears to get past them. Instead of suggesting that he not see her and block her, why not do the opposite. Encourage him to sit down with her over coffee in the daytime, and to have a pow wow about what happened, and where they both are now. It’s a very mature step that requires a lot of generosity on your part, but I think it’s the best way to deal with this situation. You’re obviously upset and concerned, and he’s drunk dialing her because connecting with her is in his subconscious and he doesn’t feel right doing it when he’s not drunk. Give him permission. If, after three years of dating you, he feels that he wants to be with her — better to know that now. And if after three years, he meets with her and gets out what he needed to say, and comes back to you, with a deeper intimacy and respect for you, then the two of you will have tackled this obstacle together. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to Subscribe to access this Forum - Premium Private Forum

Username or E-mail

Password

The reCAPTCHA verification period has expired. Please reload the page.

Keep me signed in

 

 

Forgot Password

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re confused — it sure sounds like there is A LOT going on! Between both your divorces not yet finalized, his wife moving to Arizona with his kids, his losing his job, his moving to Arizona to settle in his wife and kids before leaving them there, and your six month romantic relationship with him, there is a lot to be uncertain about. [b][i]So, don’t sweat the small stuff. [/i][/b]Don’t give him a hard time about not contacting you or seeing you before he leaves tomorrow. He hasn’t been neglecting you by playing golf for a week, or drinking beer with his buddies. He’s been taking care of business. The best thing you can do is to be generous, understanding, patient and sweet. Tell him you’ll miss him — don’t berate him for not putting you first during these last nine days. Tell him you understand how stressed he is and that you can’t wait to have him back in August — don’t give him a hard time for leaving you for a month. If he apologizes for not contacting you because he’s been so busy, thank him for the apology and tell him how much you’re looking forward to being together. I know you’re anxious, and people tend to lash out when they’re stressed, but hedge against it. Send him a gift, send his kids little gifts, and make him miss you. This poor guy is super stressed right now with very real life stressors, and what he needs is a girlfriend who makes him feel good about himself and the relationship he has with you — not someone who’s another burden on his plate. Because his plate is full of burdens right now. You need to be the light, not the heavy problem. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to Subscribe to access this Forum - Premium Private Forum

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that your instincts are right — you should cut it off completely, unless or until she is really for a commitment. Otherwise, she’s going to be using you until someone better comes along, simply so she doesn’t have to be alone or be without sex. Lots of people have ex sex because it’s familiar, safe, and convenient. But that creates a relationship and since she’s not giving you the commitment you want, I don’t think it’s a good idea for you. It’s going to be painful to break up again — because it really is a second type of break up — but sometimes that’s what it takes to really move on. So either don’t go to your Washington DC weekend — or do go as the last blast before the break up — and then move on. If she tries to contact you, explain that you’re not interested in an interim situation. You want all or nothing and you’re not willing to do anything in between any more.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to Subscribe to access this Forum - Premium Private Forum

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you focus on shoring up your own life as a single mother (emphasis on [i]single[/i]) this ex-boyfriend that you want back, is more likely to see you as someone who really wants to be with him. It sounds like you were with your ex, and then you were living with that ex while you were with your more recent ex, and then you moved in with your more recent ex, but you cheated on him with your former ex. This more recent ex feels burned, and if you put yourself in his shoes, I’m sure you can see why. 😳 Since you want the more recent ex back, you need to show him that you’re okay on your own and you don’t [i]need[/i] to be with someone. He needs to see that you’re not going to go back to the other ex. That’s why living alone, making a good life for yourself and your kids, is the best way for him to see the kind of person he wants — someone who is not going to run back to your other ex.

As for you, personally, it’s important that you find some closure from that earlier relationship. Since that man is the father of your two children, it’s going to be impossible to not have him in your life, but you have to find closure on the romance so that if bad things happen in life, you don’t run back to him for comfort and sex — especially if you’re with someone else. That’s going to take time, and you processing what happened, who you are and who you want to be. None of this is an easy fix, and because you cheated on this last boyfriend and he’s telling you that he’s trying to forgive you, but he holds grudges, you have to show him your commitment to living a good life that he wants to be part of. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you text someone, if there’s no reason for an immediate response, you should expect a response within a day or two, depending on the relationship. Since he was looking to connect the night before, and you weren’t up for talking, so you responded the next day, there’s no pressing reason for him to respond. He’ll probably get back to you in a day or two — and since you have a date scheduled for Saturday, I’d expect that if he doesn’t call you to chat today, he’ll contact you to schedule the date. I don’t think you should be worried at all about the four hour lag time between when you texted him and now. It’s a week day and he probably works and is busy with his life, so…. hopefully you’ll have a great date! this weekend! 😎 If you’re worried beyond the texting that there’s an issue in the relationship, or that you like him more than he likes you — that’s a different issue, and check yourself to make sure you’re not projecting that issue onto the text response. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These are good questions. I think it’s fine for you to have a casual date with someone else, now. Playing the field while you’re not exclusive with anyone, is just smart dating. That said, I would not let him know that you’re dating someone else. It sounds like he likes you, and that this may become exclusive at some point down the line. If he hears you’re seeing someone else, he may feel discouraged or manipulated, and the goal of dating is to get to know each other — not to rush things by letting him know he’s got competition. If he’s smart, he’ll understand that’s unspoken. 😉

That said, I understand your interest in moving things along and feeling a commitment and the relief that may come with it. I get it. However…. the reality is that six dates and a month or two of dating is still early to make something exclusive because you really don’t know each other that well yet. That’s what the dating process is for. So don’t just check off dates on a list — use them to learn and figure out if this is someone you want in your life for the long run. Exclusivity is for when you’ve really gotten to know each other and you want to hone in on that long-term relationship. Typically, I suggest that you date six months before making a relationship exclusive. It may seem like a long time, but I’ve heard from way too many people who discover “surprises” of all types, within those six months, and after they’ve become exclusive. When you find a negative surprise after you’re exclusive, it’s a lot harder to process than if you learn something you don’t like about someone without that commitment.

Try to enjoy the process and use it to your advantage to learn about yourself and this guy — or any other guy you’re interested in. But don’t try to manipulate him because it may backfire. Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s awesome!! 🙂 She definitely likes you, but don’t ask her if this counts as a first date — instead, act like it does. Leverage the opportunity! The trick is to move this out of the friend zone and into the romantic realm. Bring her beautiful flowers and a bottle of wine. Make sure you look and smell great. And [i]flirt[/i] with her at dinner. Cooking dinner together is very sensual and it’s a great opportunity to feed her, have her feed you, touch her, and put on some nice music and even dance. Make it fun and sexy and flirty — and interesting. This is great news — I’m excited for you! Since she’s picking up the groceries, it sounds like she probably is going to cook at her house, so just ask her what time she’d like you to be there — and get her address. Make sure you wear something that’s attractive and not like your work day clothes to differentiate between work and dating. And, if things go well, at the end of the evening, tell her you’d like to see her again. You can go in for a kiss if you think the mood is right. Then call her on Tuesday or Wednesday and tell her you’d like to take her hiking on Saturday and offer to pick her up at a particular time, at her house. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can just get her a regular coffee or a cappuccino and a muffin. You don’t have to stress over the size or the type of coffee… the point is you’re doing something nice and you’re getting her to notice you as more than just a casual business friend. And, if you don’t want to leave a sexy note, then at least leave a flirty one. I know you want romance, but you’re not aways acting like you want it. 😉 You have to change your behavior and flirt with her to win her over as a date. If you want her to see you as a date, act like one and flirt with her to get her to notice you in this way. 😎 Even in a little note. Just your initials won’t cut it. Pursue her romantically. 🙂

The hiking date sounds great!! Bring a picnic lunch. And when you ask her out, don’t forget that you have to flirt with her. Compliment her. Joke with her. Tell her how much you enjoy her company and want to see her more and get to know here even better. If you don’t, your relationship is going to stay in this friend zone. 😉 If it helps you, make a list of two dozen things you like about her — just so you have it in writing, in front of you. Be specific. And then use those things you like about her as a basis for flirting. Then, re-write what you wrote — your script for asking her out– and add in compliments and flirty conversation.

You have to be more than perfunctory. You have to be charming, seductive and romantic — that’s what women want in a boyfriend. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so hurt. Break ups are hard, and it sounds like you were a lot more into him than he was into you, so it makes a lot of sense that you’re still in pain, two months after the break up. 🙁 I don’t know how long he was divorced before the two of you started dating, but it sounds like he liked you, but that he might not have been ready for a serious relationship. I know you said that he broke up with you out of the blue, but these things are rarely out of the blue — you just didn’t see the clues along the way. You were looking at the positives. For instance, he introduced you to his parents and his daughter, and those are usually good signs of a forward moving relationship — but there were some yellow and red flags along the way. For instance, something about your new independence and your job that didn’t work for him. Maybe he was insecure about your flourishing in a new job, and rather than support you in your career, he said he was bored, and then eventually packed up his toys and left. This isn’t what you should want in a relationship. You need a partner who’s happy for your successes and encourages you — as you do them. 😉 Earlier on, when he said he should be more grateful for you — he was sending you a hint that he wasn’t. That’s a big problem. Mutual respect is crucial to relationship success, and when the love ebbs and flows naturally, respect and character are what keeps you both in the game. He didn’t feel that respect. So, while you were getting mixed signals, I think you were hanging onto the good ones and trying to overlook the bad ones. You loved him, and you wanted the best for the two of you, but this just wasn’t a good match. I get that you miss his daughter, and she probably misses you, too, but you’re eventually going to see that you need someone who wants to be there for you and with whom you have compatible life goals. This guy had a lot of assets — but he wasn’t your best match. That person is still out there. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Try not to use texting unless you’re going to flirt with her. 😎 When you use texting to make plans as friends, you’re just sinking yourself deeper into that friend zone. Remember we talked about flirting? You have to flirt with her and compliment her to make let her know you think she’s attractive and sexy. You have to let her know that you want more. 😉 And, I don’t think you should text back — she’s offered you second place 😳 — and that’s not an offer you should take. I don’t think you should tell her “maybe something Sunday…” because it”s already Friday! It makes you look like you’ve got nothing going on. Let her think you’re popular, social and going out, and that she’s lucky to get a date with you! 😎 Also, asking her out Friday for Sunday is way too casual for a guy wants to get out of a casual friendship. It doesn’t make it sound like a special date, because it isn’t. It’s that casual friendship. 😳 Also, she’s taken the lead — and you want to get it back, so don’t respond to her offer of a get together if her camping trip is rained out. Wait to ask her out on a date.

I do really like your idea of bringing her coffee as a sweet gesture. 🙂 Maybe leave her a flirty, sexy note with the coffee. And if you can’t ask her out in person, call her on the phone. Women find men’s voices to be very alluring. And if you want to invite her to dinner, that’s really nice — I guarantee you she eats dinner! But if you prefer a hike and a picnic, then make sure it’s romantic, so you can get out of the friend zone. Keep focusing on these good changes you’re making — gifts, compliments, flirting and finally a date.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She likes you. 🙂 And since you like her, too, you should take this relationship out of the friend zone. Instead of just making a move — ask her out on a date first. Tell her you really like spending time with her and you want to take her to the movies or out for coffee or a desert on Saturday night, just the two of you — no tutoring. Just fun. Since you both work so hard, maybe even get her to take a day trip with you — giving yourselves a break isn’t just good for you as individuals, it’s a great way to get to know each other further, and to bond over the date. Go to the beach together. Take a road trip if you have a car. If you don’t have a car, take a day trip on a train. Do something crazy fun and romantic. And then, kiss her on the date. Make your move after you’ve taken her out. You need to get out of the routine you’re both in and transition this into a romantic adventure, not just an academic one. 🙂 It’s okay to be new to all this, and it’s okay to be uncertain — but don’t let those facts and any anxiety associated with them stop you from asking her out and having a date to move things closer to a romance. Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can tell you’re chomping at the bit to get to her! 😉 I think you have to balance the fact that you sent her 5 texts on Friday, Saturday and Sunday — without a response from her until Monday, with wanting to get her attention. Too much too soon makes you look needy, and by waiting a week, you’re playing it cool. 😎 So, if you can chill, do so. You had asked me in a prior post how you can recover from sending all those texts at once — well, this is how you do damage control. Be cool. 😉

As for flirting, you should flirt with her whenever you see her — and even when you don’t! Flirting means complimenting her, teasing her, making her feel good about herself — and you can do it with your words, your body language, your sense of humor — and you can even do it by doing nice things for her. For instance, you can leave flowers at her desk, bring her a coffee or leave it for her in the morning,, put a nice card on her car windshield — just do thoughtful things for her as little surprises. Basically, you want her to find you attractive, and get excited about the attention you’re paying her. And flirting defines your feelings and the relationship so she doesn’t see you as a friend — because you’re not acting like a friend.

As for taking a shot at this weekend — I have a feeling you’re going to do that no matter what. But if you can get yourself to chill out, not appear to be needy and set up the strategy to flirt and then ask her out next week… that would be better. Hope that helps!

[Member]

Posts