[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes! I suggested you wait until next week to ask her out on a date since you texted her so much this past weekend. Give her a chance to miss you. 😎 Besides, it’ll give you a chance to chill out and regroup. As for the selection of the date, dinner is always a go-to date. It’s a default because everyone eats dinner, and it’s a nice, romantic way to get to know her as more than a friend. But since she sounds like a sporty person — you had mentioned her rock climbing in a prior post and then in the last one, she’d been camping for the weekend — I thought a sport date might be nice. That’s why I wrote about inviting her to play tennis, go to the beach or go for a hike and a picnic. In general, it’s nice when the guy plans the date, but there’s no hard and fast rule, so if you want to invite her to dinner — unless, of course she’d rather play tennis or go hiking — that’s fine, too. 😉 Your third question is a very good one. 😀 You want to get out of the friend zone, so make sure you’re flirting with her leading up to the date invitation, and then tell her that you’d really like to take her out on a date. Or you can say, “Would you go out on a date with me?” Be direct — as long as you’ve been flirting with her leading up to the ask. The flirting is really important because it distinguishes you from a friend. Friends don’t flirt. Guys who like her, and want to date her, do. That’s her cue that your’e interested in dating, not friendship. 😎 As for a picnic, get a blanket, a bottle of wine and some chilled water, sandwiches, fruit and cheese, and some cookies. You can pull it together yourself, buy it at the market or a deli or bakery, and put it in a nice backpack or a cooler in your car. Choose a nice place with shade and grass and maybe a lake, and bring sunscreen and napkins and you’re set!! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that sending her five texts in a row over the course of three days — with no responses from her in between — isn’t a good idea. It makes you look a little needy. 😕 I agree with what you wrote about giving yourself a break from texting — but I think you should give it a week. The five texts in a row was kind of overkill. Wait until next week to contact her again. 😉 And chill on the texting. 😉 For future, if you don’t hear from her after one or two texts, stop texting. To recover…. be cool and flirt with her when you see her. Gauge her reaction. If you get a chance, ask her out on a date in person — which is the best way for you to see how she feels about you and your invitation because you’ll see her body language, etc. If you don’t get the chance to ask her out in person, pick up the phone and call her. If you don’t reach her and get a machine, leave a message — without the date invitation. Just tell her it’s you and you’d love to talk to her. When she calls you back, you can ask her out. If she doesn’t, when you see her you can gauge where you stand.

Bottom line: You’re overthinking the date. Just pick a nice restaurant that’s got good food, good service and has a nice vibe. If you want, you can ask her if she likes Italian food because you thought that might be nice. Also, from what you’ve said about her — the rock climbing and the weekend camping — it sounds like she’s sporty, so maybe choose an active date, like playing tennis, going hiking with a picnic or going to the beach, or something that’s outdoorsy. The bottom line is that if she says yes to a date, it’s not going to be because of the cute restaurant you picked or the cool rock climbing place. It’ll be because she’s interested in you. So, don’t sweat the venue too much. And don’t worry about your two year age gap — it definitely doesn’t matter. Try to relax a little more, and have fun with it. If she says yes, then you should go and have a good time — and if she says no, then you should move on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think gaining a perspective on dating will help. For instance, understanding that dating is a numbers game, is important. You’re going to get a certain number of rejections in life, but you’re also going to get a certain number of connections, and if you don’t get up to bat, you’ll never get a shot at either. You have to be able to face rejection and know it’s not that big a deal. It means that someone you were interested in, or someone you like, isn’t a match. It may be because she’s taken, or she’s not into you, or she’s getting over a break up — or any number of things. And guess what? This goes the other way, too. Women who will want to date you, may not win [i]your[/i] affection. This is just life, and I would hate to see you miss out because you’re more focused on fear than you are on winning. 🙂

I can’t promise you that she’ll like you or she’ll want to date you, but I can promise you that if you don’t ask her out, you won’t have a shot at a date. From what you’ve written, she really seems interested, and I think you should ask her out and embrace life — with it’s ups and downs, wins and losses. Besides, women like confidence, and if they find you confident, they’ll find you attractive. And…. this is a date. It’s not cancer. It’s not world war or world peace. So step back and see the big picture, loosen up a little so you’re not putting so much pressure on yourself to win or lose, and give it a shot! Talk to her, and [b][i]flirt[/i][/b]. Tell her she’s looks great and that you really like the way she does X, Y or Z. When you get a positive reaction, ask her if she’d like to have coffee or go to the movies over the weekend. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you lost the baby six weeks ago. That’s got to be devastating — and not just for you. Your husband is clearly acting out, and although you found out that he’s on dating sites and seeing what may be a prostitute, by snooping…. you have to talk to him. Admit what that what you did was wrong and prepare for him to make that the focus of his feelings. He’s going to lash out and project his anger at being found out, onto you. Let him. Don’t argue. Just apologize and let that storm blow over so you get to the bottom of what’s going on. Unless there’s a history of this, I think that he’s having complicated feelings about the loss of the pregnancy and his role as a man in that scenario, as well as in the marriage to someone who’s going through this as the mother. Don’t underestimate the impact losing the pregnancy has on the father. If you can get him talking about what’s going on and what he’s looking for, you may be able to help him heal and help the marriage heal, as well as yourself.

I know you’re worried about getting pregnant again, after losing the pregnancy at 15 weeks, and because you’re 37 and not 27, but wait. This is not a scenario in which you should be trying to get pregnant. You have to create stability in your marriage first. This is going to be a challenge, and it’s going to seem unfair, but you don’t want to bring a child into an unstable or failing marriage, and you have to take care of your relationship with your husband in order to be a good parent. So focus on the marriage, and let me know if you have any more questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I feel your pain and I’m sorry you’re so hurt, but this isn’t the same thing as a boyfriend who pretends everything is fine and then cheats on you and never tells you. This is different. The two of you are in your early 20s, and after dating for two years, and then breaking up so he could pursue a career out of town, this relationship became especially painful. When you mutually decided not to do long distance, he slept with this other woman at what he thought was the end of your relationship with him, to try and move forward. This wasn’t because he didn’t love you. It was because the two of you decided to end things. I know it’s technically cheating, but there’s a bigger picture here, and perspective will help you process this. He didn’t tell you about his one night stand for several months because he didn’t want to hurt you and there didn’t seem like there was a future together with you at the time.

Now, you’re doing long distance, and this incident he had with another woman feels like cheating, but I don’t think he would have done it if the two of you had planned to continue your relationship. That’s why this isn’t the same thing as cheating in a traditional sense. I’m sure your pain is very real. But if you can see your part in this maybe you can heal. This didn’t happen in a vacuum. He slept with this other woman because the two of you were ending your relationship and he was hurting. He was trying to fast forward his life and move on. He lied about it because your relationship was supposed to end and he didn’t want to hurt you. This wasn’t about just him or just you. Now, the way to get past this is understanding and compassion. You’re two young adults separating after two years of romance, for a career decision, and struggling with what comes next. This other woman isn’t important to him. She was a way for him to move on. But now that you’re back with him, you have to let it go so it doesn’t become something that, ironically, will break the two of you up.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

1. If you texted her today and she didn’t respond, it’s because she’s busy. It’s completely normal to respond a day later. I’m not sure what you texted her, but since you don’t have a date set for this weekend, it’s perfectly normal for her to respond tomorrow or even Monday. I think you should wait until Monday to see if she responds.

2. I think it’s really nice if you bring her flowers. I’m not sure what you mean by it being “too much”. It’s not a flash mob! And it can be a single rose or a single sunflower — it’s just a nice way to date someone and let them know you think they’re special. Bringing flowers, candy, a book — something that sets the tone for the date is nice.

3. If a woman likes you, she’ll say yes to a date! 🙂 She’ll laugh at your jokes. She’ll compliment you. She’ll flirt with you. She’ll smile at you a lot. If she does any or all of these things, it means she likes you. Ask her out on a date, and if she says yes, bring her flowers, and if the date seems to go well, hold her hand and kiss her. Tune in to her feelings and the dynamic on the date to “take the temperature” of the relationship. If things are warming up, reach for her hand, or walk with your arm around her back or shoulders. Affection is a way to show you like someone. Use it! 😉

4. Asking her out on a date by text isn’t as personal, special or as meaningful as asking her on a date by phone or in person. I think you should do it on the phone or in person — not by text. Whether it’s rock climbing, dinner, going to a concert, the zoo or for a walk on the beach — just as long as it’s something special that you think she’ll like, it’s okay. Choose a date that you think is going to make her feel good about you, dating you, and herself when she’s with you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are good ones. He[i] is[/i] being dishonest by saying he’s a girl when he’s not a girl, and engaging with other people who think he’s girl because he said he was. And his excuse that he’s not cheating on you because he’s pretending to be someone else is laughable. That’s one for the books. 🙄 If he actually slept with one of these people, but pretended to be someone else, would that be okay because he used a fake name and identity? Clearly, not. 😕

That you’re a 23 year old woman supporting a 47 year old man who’s got time to build a porn site, is a bigger problem. I know you want to stay with him, so my advice is to practice boundaries, as long as you are with him. This will prevent you from enabling him and it will preserve your self esteem and give him the opportunity to enrich his. It’s tough, but it’s healthy. For instance, you should stop paying his bills. I don’t know if you live together or not, and if you do, who’s name is on the lease or mortgage, but you need calmly, without anger, explain that you’d like him to pay the rent. You’ll pay for groceries, or the other way around — whatever financial situation works for you — have a talk about it now. Way…. before you marry! And while I don’t know a lot about his work situation or his unemployment situation, I’m sure his self esteem is tied up in his work and unemployment. He may be using his sexting relationships with other people to boost his self esteem and distract him from very unsexy real life problems. Men who take care of their partners feel good about themselves. They’re proud. Give him that opportunity by using boundaries.

I think that as you get to know him — because he’s not honest, that’s going to be a challenge that takes time — you’ll be less happy, and you’ll question who it is you’re living with and have chosen to marry. I believe you that you think he makes you happy, but I would ask you to focus on character and respect because those are the qualities that get you through a long-term relationship. Happiness comes and goes. Life can be tough. And when it is, you want someone with character and grit to be your life partner. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are a few red flags here — first of all, guys masturbate. That’s not news, but they usually use porn that’s in a magazine, internet images, videos, and memories, etc. But your fiancee is using interactive relationships and that’s different. He’s creating relationships with these people he’s meeting through his porn website, and he’s gone to significant lengths to do this. Simply setting up his own porn site is a lot of energy! This isn’t just him masturbating. This is him taking these relationships beyond the page, the screen or the computer — and into real life. Next, he’s pretending to be a girl. Not a woman — a girl. My questions is, is this part of his personality that he’s trying to elicit and explore, and if so, at what point will he want to have real life relationships with men, if he hasn’t already? Because if he does, there’s going to be some changes in his primary relationship with you. You’ll have competition, at the very least. The third flag is your age difference — and I don’t usually care about age differences — but since you’re 23 and he’s 47 and you’ve been together for four years, you don’t have a lot of dating experience, and my concern is that you’re in a relationship with an April 2018 wedding date, where your fiancee is experimenting with his sexuality and his sex life. If you are okay with this, that’s fine, but if you’re expecting stability in marriage, I don’t think you’ll get it with him.

Clearly, you need to talk to him about this, and search your own soul about what you want for yourself. This isn’t really a moral question — it’s a practical one. The only thing he’s done wrong is to hide things from you. And that’s kind of a big deal. But now that this secret is out, you have to ask, Do you want to marry someone in April who is so invested in exploring his sexuality without you? My advice is that you should probably have deep talks with him to try and understand and support his journey, but that you should move on because I’m gathering that you want something that is more traditional, and he’s not a partner who’s up for tradition. I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad you heard from him. 😀 I honestly think that he just made a mistake when he wrote 3 or 4 weeks instead of 3 or 4 days. I think he was busy and simply miswrote the words. We all do that sometimes! It’s not a big deal. The important thing is that he’s contacted you and he’s mentioned a date for this weekend! Unfortunately, he hasn’t given you a time and place. And since you’re caring for your mother and your teenage daughter, it makes a lot of sense that you’d want to know what’s going on, so I think you should ask. You can text or email him that you’re looking forward to seeing him, and wanted to make sure you have “coverage” for your mother so you can enjoy yourself when you’re out with him — can he give you a ballpark on the times? Granted, this isn’t ideal, and it would be great if he had thought of this on his own, but as you said in your last post about this issue, (), he’s got a busy job. He may just be preoccupied and feels that these details aren’t that important. I don’t think he’s right, but it’s not a deal breaker, and it’s something you can bend on for now and work on modifying for future. I know you want him to be the one to contact you first, and that’s not wrong, but since it’s a fourth date and not a first date, shoot him a text just asking the time for this weekend so you can get things sorted on your end with your mom. I don’t think it makes you look needy. It’s just the evolution of your dating communication. 😉 If the fourth date goes well, try to do a little behavior modification by telling him how much you enjoy seeing him and that it makes your time together even more enjoyable when he gives you three or four days of advance planning notice so you can get schedule your weekend. And give him some positive reinforcement by telling him how great it is when he tells you a time and place a few days in advance. I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that she probably likes you and doesn’t want to ask you out because it would be too forward, so she approached you because you’re new in town — which is safe for her. That said, this is a [i]great[/i] opportunity for you to leverage this weekend into a date. Seize the day! If she likes you, she’ll love that you pick up on her cue — and that you take the lead and turn this weekend get together into more, and run with it. So, definitely contact her right away to set up something for the weekend, taking the lead so that this doesn’t become a friend zone situation. Arrange a rock climbing date and show up with flowers or a simple sunflower or a rose for her, and bring a picnic so that you can go for a walk and have a nice, romantic meal on the grass afterwards. If things go well, hold her hand, and invite kiss her. Invite her to see a movie or do something else after the rock climbing date. And then build to a dinner date. It’s great that she gave you this lead, and now you have to work it and build from a work relationship into a romance. 😉 Hope that helps. Let me know if you have any more questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve got to stop the train of missed opportunities. 🙁 I know you’re shy and introverted, but if you don’t ask her out on a date, you’ll never get the chance to see if she’ll say yes. 😉 If she’s dating someone else, and you ask her out, she can tell you that she’d love to if she were single, or she can tell you that she’d love to — period. From what you’ve written, it really sounds like she likes you, so the worst case scenario is that she turns you down because she’s with someone else — but you won’t die from that. 🙂 And… if she does end up breaking up with him (if it’s even true she’s seeing someone else), she’ll have you on her mind and she may give you a clue that she’s single again and interested in dating you. Bottom line, you have to bite the bullet, risk possible rejection knowing there’s an up and a down side to this risk — and that they’re both part of life — and ask her out on a date. You can even preface your asking her out by saying that you’re normally shy but she’s been too much of a temptation to stay shy — and that you’d like to take her to dinner over the weekend. It’s a way of flattering her, getting your point across, and putting the ball in her court. I can tell you’re upset about the time lost when you haven’t asked her and you’re afraid of rejection, but I’m here to tell you to go for it. You’ll feel much better having asked, and you never know what your answer will be until you do. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The quiet between your last date and now could simply be due to the fact that he’s got five kids and a job! And… he may be playing the field, since the two of you have only been on three dates. If you met online, chances are strong that he’s playing the field. This isn’t necessarily anything to worry about because he could just be busy and overbooked. Or, it could be that after three dates, he’s decided that maybe there’s not so much interest on his part or not so much of a spark — you didn’t really mention the quality of the three dates you had with him, so I’m guessing that might be it, as well.

Since you [i]have[/i] had three dates already, I think it’s okay for you to contact him and invite him to a home cooked meal at your place. I wouldn’t recommend that for a first or second date, but since it would be your fourth, I think it’s fine. If he doesn’t respond, or if he responds with a no, then you’ll have enough information to realize it’s not match between you. But he may be happy to hear from you because he’s been swamped with life, and eager to get together — especially if you’re a good cook, or know how to order in well! 😉

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you were betrayed and you’re so hurt. It’s terrible when someone lies to you — especially about something so important. The bottom line is he lied to you. He probably lied to his wife and I’m sure he’s lying to other people, as well. I would encourage you to not date him anymore — there’s no way to have an honest, healthy and happy relationships with someone who lies like this.

That you’re lonely is a separate problem. I would love to see you date and get into a healthy, happy relationship with someone who’s fun and stable and can be with you when times are tough or light. Don’t let this failed relationship bring you down. You need to let go of this guy and move on. Make sure you stay social, let your friends and family know you want to date and ask them to fix you up with someone they can vouch for as a good guy. Invite people over, have parties and get out there and connect with people. You’re right to be hurt and betrayed — but you need to take care of yourself and find yourself a good guy to date.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you need anything else.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can definitely salvage this! 😉 That’s why I mentioned moving off of text and onto a phone call. Call her up, flirt with her, ask her about herself and compliment her — and then ask her out on a date. It doesn’t sound like you’ve ever asked her out — and it would be a shame to have regrets, especially since you think she’s “the one” that got away — simply because you were too fearful to get up to bat. 😉 The worst thing that happens if you do ask her out on a date is that she says no. The best thing that happens is that she says yes! 😀 Calling her on the phone is definitely not harassment. It’s a guy going after what he wants. 😎 It sounds like the big problem here is really your fear of rejection. It’s very common and I get it. But… you have to push through it and face your fears. Get out of the friend zone, and become a boyfriend or a date. Pick up the phone and ask her out! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to Subscribe to access this Forum - Premium Private Forum

Username or E-mail

Password

The reCAPTCHA verification period has expired. Please reload the page.

Keep me signed in

 

 

Forgot Password

[Member]

Posts