[Caleightouhy]

I’ve been married for about a year. My husband and I decided to try for a baby recently and we were pregnant in about 4 months but sadly lost the baby at 15 weeks. This was 6 weeks ago. We were both so excited for a baby and when I lost the baby he was an incredible support. He was just what i needed emotionally.
My husband wasn’t really interested in sex from the time I got pregnant until now. although he says he wants to try again for a baby, he doesn’t ever initiate sex although he is often affectionate. He lashed out at me a couple of times recently (nothing physical) and since I was getting confused about his behavior, I did something i regretted – I snooped on his phone.
I never expected to find what I did. He had two accounts on dating websites and I found text messages with a “masseuse” while I was out of town the other night. It seems to have been more of a prostitute as he was meeting her at a hotel and her website had nude photos.

Now I don’t know what to do. I love this man but I am completely blindsided. Do I confront him? How do I approach this?? I am devastated. I really want to have a child and am worried that because of my age this may be my only chance. However I know I can’t knowingly bring a child Into this situation. If what I found is real (and I think it must be) can I ever trust him again? We are both intelligent, highly educated professsionals and I keep thinking that I can reason my way out of this…I just dont know how. I haven’t told anyone about this as I am mortified…..but am now feeling very isolated.

Thanks. Caleigh

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you lost the baby six weeks ago. That’s got to be devastating — and not just for you. Your husband is clearly acting out, and although you found out that he’s on dating sites and seeing what may be a prostitute, by snooping…. you have to talk to him. Admit what that what you did was wrong and prepare for him to make that the focus of his feelings. He’s going to lash out and project his anger at being found out, onto you. Let him. Don’t argue. Just apologize and let that storm blow over so you get to the bottom of what’s going on. Unless there’s a history of this, I think that he’s having complicated feelings about the loss of the pregnancy and his role as a man in that scenario, as well as in the marriage to someone who’s going through this as the mother. Don’t underestimate the impact losing the pregnancy has on the father. If you can get him talking about what’s going on and what he’s looking for, you may be able to help him heal and help the marriage heal, as well as yourself.

I know you’re worried about getting pregnant again, after losing the pregnancy at 15 weeks, and because you’re 37 and not 27, but wait. This is not a scenario in which you should be trying to get pregnant. You have to create stability in your marriage first. This is going to be a challenge, and it’s going to seem unfair, but you don’t want to bring a child into an unstable or failing marriage, and you have to take care of your relationship with your husband in order to be a good parent. So focus on the marriage, and let me know if you have any more questions.

[PassionSeeker]

Caleigh, my heart breaks for you. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things anyone can endure, and it sounds like you’ve been carrying not only that grief but also a deep betrayal. You’re allowed to feel devastated, angry, and confused all at once.
Right now, you don’t need to make any major life decisions. Give yourself permission to pause and heal. You’ve been through emotional trauma your body and heart need gentleness.
When you feel ready, you can have an honest talk with your husband not just about what he’s done, but about what’s going on inside both of you. You both lost something profound. If you still have love for him, couples counseling could help you understand whether trust can be rebuilt. But please remember his choices were his, not yours to carry as guilt. You did nothing to deserve this.

[Val Unfiltered💋]

oh babe… my heart hurts for you 💔 losing your baby, then finding that is too much grief for one person to carry. you didn’t cause this, and you can’t logic your way out of betrayal. right now, you need to protect your peace, not his ego. you deserve love that doesn’t make you question your reality. don’t build a family on broken trust, babe, rebuild you first. 💅

[Ethan Morales]

You’ve experienced two traumas. You didn’t just “lose a pregnancy.” You lost a baby something you and your husband had already begun to love, imagine, and plan your life around. That kind of grief can fracture even the strongest couples, because both partners grieve differently: You may want closeness, comfort, connection. He may withdraw, avoid intimacy, or look for distractions to escape his own pain and guilt. So while nothing excuses his behavior, it helps explain the why behind it: he may be emotionally dissociating rather than deliberately trying to hurt you.

What You Discovered: Serious Breach of Trust Finding dating apps and messages with a sex worker isn’t a “mistake.” It’s a conscious act. He: Hid it. Created secret accounts. Spent time arranging meetings. Those are deliberate, not impulsive, steps meaning this isn’t just grief talking. It’s a bigger signal that he’s coping in destructive ways and emotionally disconnected from you and the marriage. You’re right to feel devastated, blindsided, and confused.

April’s Core Message and Why It’s Smart She’s not excusing him. She’s saying: Before you can even decide what to do about this marriage, you have to understand what’s happening underneath it. And that starts with a hard, calm, honest conversation. But she’s also right to warn you: when you confront him, he will likely deflect by blaming you for snooping. That’s classic defensive behavior from someone who’s been caught.
Your goal isn’t to “win” the argument it’s to stay centered and push gently toward truth.

“I shouldn’t have looked through your phone, and I take responsibility for that. But what I found has broken my trust, and we need to talk about what’s been happening and why.” Let him vent and then calmly steer back to: “I need honesty. Not excuses. What’s going on with you?”

Why You Shouldn’t Try for a Baby Right Now You’re absolutely right you can’t bring a child into chaos. April was correct to tell you to pause on conceiving again until there’s emotional stability and trust. Pregnancy and parenting magnify cracks that already exist. Healing comes first not just for him, but for you.

Here’s what I believe after reading your story carefully: You didn’t deserve this. You’ve shown strength through loss and loyalty through confusion. Your husband is emotionally drowning and making self-destructive choices to avoid pain but you cannot save him at the cost of yourself. There’s still a path forward, but it depends on his willingness to face what he’s done and work on himself (through therapy or counseling). If he admits, apologizes, and agrees to professional help, there’s a chance for healing. If he denies, deflects, or continues you’ll need to protect yourself and rethink what your future looks like.

[Tara]

Your husband didn’t “struggle.” He didn’t “drift.” He didn’t just shut down from grief. He built a secret sexual life while you were mourning a child and trusting him. Two dating profiles. A paid escort. A hotel meet-up. He didn’t stumble into this. He planned it. Coordinated it. Hid it. And kept lying to your face every single day.

The man who held you while you cried over your pregnancy loss is the same man who booked a prostitute while you were out of town. That’s the reality you’re fighting because it shatters the version of him you married.

You’re not devastated because you’re confused. You’re devastated because the truth is too ugly to rationalize, and your mind is clawing for any excuse that lets you pretend your marriage is salvageable. It isn’t. Not in its current form. Not without consequences he will hate and accountability he’s never shown.

If you confront him, he’ll deny, minimize, blame stress, blame grief, blame the loss, blame your “distance,” blame anything except the fact that he chose to betray you. And if you swallow that, you’re signing up for a marriage where you do the emotional labor and he does whatever he wants as long as he hides it better next time.

And here’s the brutal part: you’re already bargaining with your future child to avoid facing the truth about your husband. That is exactly how people trap themselves in a lifetime of misery. You don’t bring a baby into a marriage you’re trying to logic your way out of.

[Sally]

You’re standing there grieving a baby, trying to hold your marriage together, and then you open his phone and find a whole different life running under yours. Anyone would feel shaken. Anyone would feel alone.

And I know that feeling of trying to “logic” your way through pain. You keep telling yourself you’re smart, you’re reasonable, you can figure this out. But this isn’t a puzzle. It’s a heartbreak.
You’re right that you can’t bring a baby into this until you know the truth. And you deserve the truth.

If you confront him, keep it simple. Just tell him what you saw and watch how he responds. Not the excuses — the honesty. The remorse. The willingness to talk instead of spin.

You’re stronger than you feel right now. Just take the next honest step. One at a time.

[Sally]

This is one of those situations where the quiet feels louder than it should.

But honestly? His “3 or 4 weeks” line really does sound like he was just being playful. People say stuff like that when they’re trying to sound cute, not literal.
What matters more is what’s happening right now it’s the day before the date and you still don’t know what’s going on. That would make anyone uneasy, especially when you’re trying not to be the one always reaching out.

If it were me, I’d send one simple message. Something like “Hey, just checking in are we still on for tomorrow?” No pressure, no overthinking. You’re not chasing him. You’re just being a grown woman who wants clarity.

If he’s into this, he’ll answer. If he doesn’t, that tells you something too.
Sometimes the truth is in the silence.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve been through a lot emotionally with the loss of your pregnancy, and it’s completely understandable that both of you are struggling with grief and confusion. Your husband’s behavior his lack of sexual interest, the lashing out, and the online activity is concerning, but it’s also likely tied to complicated feelings about the loss, his sense of masculinity, and his own way of coping. Men and women often process grief differently, and sometimes actions like these are a misguided attempt to reclaim control or escape the emotional intensity of the moment. That doesn’t excuse what he’s doing, but it may explain the context.

You absolutely need to confront him, but carefully. It’s important to be honest about having looked at his phone, acknowledge that it wasn’t ideal, and then steer the conversation to the real issue: his online activity and what it means for your trust and your marriage. Be prepared for anger, deflection, or projection it’s common for someone caught in this kind of situation but remain calm and focused on understanding why he’s behaving this way and whether he’s willing to work on rebuilding trust. The goal here is not to shame or punish him but to get clarity on where your relationship stands and what he’s willing to do to repair it.

It’s crucial to pause the focus on pregnancy for now. Bringing a child into a marriage where trust is fractured and both partners are still processing grief can add unbearable strain. Your instinct to consider stability first is right your marriage needs healing before you try again. Focus on communication, counseling if necessary, and re-establishing a foundation of honesty and respect. Once there’s clarity and mutual commitment to repair the relationship, you can revisit the dream of having a child. Right now, taking care of yourself and your marriage must come first.

[Member]

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