[April Masini, your AskApril]

This has nothing to do with his being Arab or Muslim…. you’re kind of missing the point here. He’s married and has a child with his wife. That’s what you need to focus on. 😉 He could be from any country in the world, and practice any religion and that wouldn’t change the operative factor here: He’s married and you’re falling for him. If he was single, none of this would be an issue. But he’s not. The ball is in [i]your[/i] court here and you get to decide what happens next. If you want to date him, knowing he’s married and is not divorcing his wife, then you’re free to do so. But don’t pull the wool over your own eyes. 😕 He may tell you the two of you would have beautiful babies together, and that you’re his best friend, but that doesn’t change the bottom line here. If you want a relationship that leads to marriage, your best strategy is to date someone who’s single and interested in the same relationship goals.

I know this tough for you, and he flew under the radar because you met him at work, where lots of people meet relationship partners, but you have the responsibility to take care of yourself, and if you want to date a married man, he’s your guy. If you want to date a single man who is interested in marriage, then he’s not. Don’t try to distance yourself from what’s really going on by widening the scope to try and make this political or religious — it’s nether of those things. It’s very basic relationship stuff. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you were dating her for a year and five months, during which time you were contacting other women on dating apps and looking for validation from them. Got it. Given that, I don’t think you should stay hopeful about getting her back anytime soon. 🙁 Since you were doing this throughout the entire 17 month relationship, it’s going to be impossible for you to prove to her that you’re different without dating her again. Even if she were willing to talk to you, simply talking isn’t going to prove to her that you’ve changed. She’ll need to see your behavior being different and the best way for her to do that is to give you another shot — which it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to do. At least not now.

I think the best thing for you to do is to get out there and start dating again — and really use this next round of dating to figure out if you still like having lots of women in your life, like you did when you were dating her and still using the dating apps — or if you find someone who is enough for you to be with just them. There are lots of people who aren’t ready to be monogamous and there’s nothing wrong with that — as long as you’re not fooling yourself or someone else. But if you want monogamy, try to date until you find someone you want to be monogamous with. If you try to force a relationship that isn’t right for you, you’ll end up acting out, like you did.

And the best side effect of getting out there and dating is that if you are going to get another chance with your ex, it’ll probably be because she sees you out there being attractive and successful. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not confused — you’re disappointed. You know what the deal is because he’s been clear with you — you just haven’t been clear with ourself. He told you from day one that he was committed to the mother of his child even though she is in another country, and it sounds like they have a long distance relationship that is romantic. That said, he’s also dating you.

The big question is, are you okay with this? If you are, then you should enjoy yourself. But if you’re looking for a monogamous commitment, it’s always best to date a guy who isn’t involved with someone else from the get go. 😉 This guy is being very clear that he likes you a lot and he has feelings for you, but he’s also involved with his child’s mother. The ball is in your court. Focus on your personal goals and then see them through. You have to make decisions about your own dating life. You can’t wait for others to do it for you — it’s not their job. It’s yours. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sounds like you’re getting to know him over the course of five months of dating, and this character issue where he puts you, his girlfriend, ahead of his minor children, is a problem for you. It’s great that you know your mind and you’re able to recognize this issue quickly. Now, you have to decide if it’s a deal breaker or a flashing yellow light. If there are other incompatibilities in values that the two of you seem to have, you may find that you’re just too different to make this work in the long run. But if this is the only issue, and it’s about presents — not health care or education or paying child support or his mortgage — you may want to wrap your head around the fact that this is a guy who puts his partner ahead of his children, and that’s not always a bad thing as long as there is consistency and the kids get their needs met. When children in divorce situations are spoiled or feel that they can manipulate a situation (like their father and his girlfriend), they’ve got an unhealthy balance of power. So the fact that the two of you disagree on this issue is less important than the fact that his kids are well cared for. This may just be a difference that you can work through.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You do have a chance, but first…you have to change your behavior and win her over. 😉 Dating successfully doesn’t just magically happen. To win her over, you have to show her that you’re interesting, successful, warm and funny. You have to flirt with her and invite her on dates. And typically, that means you have to make some changes to yourself in order to get a result that’s different from what you’ve got now. I wrote a book called Date Out of Your League that will give you tips and step by step instructions on how to become that guy. You can buy it here: [url]https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/date-out-of-your-league-april-masini/1016394885?ean=9780974676302[/url]. 🙂

As for proposing — don’t propose without dating. It looks desperate if you ask someone to marry you without dating them first. So slow down…. focus on making some changes to yourself, and then compete with this guy. 😀 Give her something to want and definitely go for it!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t access outside links like the one you included here, so next time let me know what caused you to dump her in the first place, so we can best figure out if and how you can get back together. 😉

Since you have a list of questions, I’ll answer each one here:

[quote]The question I have is do I talk to her? Do I wait? Do I continue to wait for her? [/quote]

I need to know more about what caused the breakup and what you want to do differently to show her this won’t happen again.

[quote]Why does this guy mean so much to her, how can he mean more than me?[/quote]

I’m not sure this guy does mean that much to her. He may just be a way for her to get past the break up, the way a rebound partner eases the pain.

[quote]She says she still wants to talk to me and she is truly sorry that she has to do this. What does any of this mean? [/quote]

She’s trying to get you to not be angry at her. Women tend to do this when they move on — they want things to be smooth and everyone to stay friends. It doesn’t work, but they still try to do it! 😉

[quote]Do I stay hopeful? How do I react, how do I feel?[/quote]

I don’t have enough details about the breakup, what caused it, what led up to it — so I can’t tell you whether or not to be hopeful. And the way you feel is the way you feel. There are no right or wrong feelings. As for the way you react, that has to do with what you plan is — and like I said, without knowing why you broke up, it’s hard to respond.

[quote]When we do talk it is very casual and I am afraid to bring up deeper thoughts because she has heard it all before and is truly fed up with me.[/quote]

Good call on your part.

[quote]I know it is petty, but she has also left all of our facebook photos up, what does that mean?[/quote]

It means that she still has fond feelings for you.

[quote] And how can I win her back, especially with everyone telling her not to give me a shot, and when she won’t even meet in person with me.[/quote]

Again, you’ve got to fill me in on why you broke up, so I can help you decide if this is something you can reverse and overcome. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you don’t have a lot of experience dating, and this new relationship feels a little burdensome because you want things to go a particular way, so when they don’t, you freeze up. Relax. And remember — it takes different people different amounts of time to loosen up. I think that the more dating experience you have, the more relaxed you’ll become — which is very natural. 😉 Also, you’ve only been dating each other for four months, so you’re still getting to know each other. Lots of people put too much pressure on the relationship to work out, too early. Instead, it’s a lot healthier to hang back and just see if you like each other and see if you’re comfortable together, and simply see if you want to continue dating each other. You don’t have to commit to anything and try to make it work this early in the game. In fact this may not be a match and what you’re feeling is incompatibility — not anything that’s wrong with you. 😉 And if you don’t have the same feelings he does, at the same time, that’s okay. 🙂 Rarely do people feel the same way at the same time, so try and see this guy as someone you’re dating — not a boyfriend who you might feel you have to get along with and have to do boyfriend things with. Instead, change your perspective and just try and get to know him and decide if you want to continue dating him or not. Basically, it’s going to make you feel a lot better if you take the pressure off, and just try to enjoy each day, rather than press for some perfect relationship with someone you don’t know that well yet. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’ve asked her out and she told you that she’s dating someone else, I think it’s a good idea to move on. But… flirt with her. 😎 Let her know how successful you are and how interesting you are. Be a guy she’d like to date and have as a partner. You’d be surprised at how attractive someone [i]suddenly[/i] becomes, once they’re dating other people! 😆 She may have turned you down when it seemed like you only had eyes for her, but if she sees you’re someone who attracts dates, she may become more interested — and if you sense interest, go for it. Ask her to have coffee, and flirt with her on the coffee date and if things go well, ask her out for a real date. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what country you’re in — but it seems like you should probably choose someone who is geographically desirable, so you can date in person. It’s much easier to start off a relationship that way. In addition, play the field! In other words, date all of them at first. It takes a while a to get to know someone so instead of being a serial first dater, play the field. Date more than one person at a time — especially at first so you can save time. Use the first three months of dating anyone to simply decide if you want to continue dating them, and use the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. So, for those first six months, it makes a lot of sense to be dating lots of people. And like I said, I’m not sure what country you’re in — but try to date people close by. It makes things a lot easier. Long distance dating is tough in a good circumstance, so if you’re starting out — date close to him for better chances of success. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you want him to be a good guy, but he isn’t. He missed his son’s first birthday. He terrorized you for two years. He broke your car windows, slashed your car tires and was arrested for domestic violence with his girlfriend. This isn’t a good guy. He’s troubled and he is calling you because he’s bored, he’s feeling trapped — he’s in jail — and you’re allowing him to play you. 😳 My advice is to shift focus from any relationship with this troubled guy — to your own health. Try to focus on being stable and productive and being a good single mom. If you find someone to date who isn’t violent or disrespectful, go for it — but from what you’ve described here, this guy is bad news.

I think you’re probably missing romance in our own life, so you’re letting him fly under the radar you’d normally use to filter out bad guys. Focus on your loneliness and need for romance by looking for someone healthy to date. 😉 But not this guy. Keep your boundaries with him, and don’t take his calls from jail unless they’re about your child together. Sorry — I know this is tough, but you have to be in charge of your own life, and not let someone else call the shots.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As a rule, I don’t read posts on other websites in order to help people here, but you are most welcome to cut and paste anything you need to, and post it here for me to consider, next time. 😉 So, without having looked at the website link you included, and just reading what you wrote here, it really sounds like you like her and want to date her, but haven’t asked her out and you’re anxious about whether or not she likes you. Instead of asking her out, you’re using this study partner situation as a way to put off asking her out, probably because you’re afraid of rejection. Don’t worry. You’re not alone. Lots of people fear rejection. It’s very common. And… there are some great ways to deal with this problem. First, understand that no one ever died from being rejected. The worst possible situation is that you ask her to have dinner or see a movie, and she says no. You’d be hurt, but you’d be able to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and move on. And, in fact, that would be a gift because then you’d know if she’s interested in you romantically or not. Right now, you’ve just been trying to get her to do a research project with you, and you still don’t really know if she’s interested in dating you. And the best part of pushing through fear of rejection is that she may want to date you! She may wonder why you haven’t asked her out, and by doing so, she may actually say yes! So…. ask her out! Let her know you’re interested in a date — not a research partnership. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry about your husband. What a sad story. 🙁 Because his recent death was so traumatic — for both you and your child, my advice is to slow things down with your social life. You met this guy only two months after your husband died and you’ve only been dating him for three months and already issues like this guy’s suicidal tendencies as well as marriage are coming up. Slow down. Consider taking a year to heal from the aftermath of your husband’s death. Then, play the field. Don’t jump into anything. You’ve been through so much it will be easy to make decisions now that you might regret later. So after a year of healing, use this timetable: The first three months of dating anyone should be used simply to get to know each other and to decide if you want to continue dating. If you do, use the second three months to decide if you want monogamy. And don’t make any big decisions, like moving in together or getting engaged, for the first year. This may seem like it’s slow as molasses, but you’ll be focusing on getting to know each other over that time period and you’ll be less likely to jump into something that’s a mistake.

As for this guy, he’s suicidal and he needs help you can’t give him. Therefore, you need to take his threats to commit suicide seriously. Reach out for help — call his family, a hospital, your doctor, a fire department on an emergency operator and tell them when he threatens suicide. You have to take this seriously — for your health and his. Report his suicide attempts today — and take a dating break for a year. Just nurture your child and yourself. You deserve some peace and nurturing. Take it.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

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