[April Masini, your AskApril]

Being a single parent can be extremely time consuming. She must really have her hands full with a 3 year old, a 9 year old and a 15 year old. The teenage girl can be giving her a run for her money (as some teenagers tend to do normally), and the 3 year old is probably not even in school yet, so she’s not even getting a break while he’s at pre-school. She probably has primary if not full custody of some or all of her children, and maybe even a job, too. It’s no wonder she doesn’t have time to talk about your feelings!

Your boys at ages 10 and 12 are much more independent, and not yet giving you the hassles that teenagers give parents. You may also have partial custody or every other weekend and one night a week — definitely a lot more time on your hands than she has. And you may be wanting more couple time (whether it’s on the phone or in person) than she is able to give you.

My guess is that if and when she has time to date, she wants to have a good time! She doesn’t want to be burdened by extraneous talks about feelings.

So rather than try to get her to open up, my advice is to consider what [i]your[/i] needs are in a relationship. If you can satisfy your needs to talk about your feelings with a friend or relative, and just have a good time when you’re with your girlfriend, then that may be the fix you need. If that doesn’t satisfy your needs, then you’re not compatible with your girlfriend of 3 months, and you should look for a woman to date who has more free time.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The reason that this is happening now is that she just got back from a 2 month trip abroad, and had such a good time without you, that she wants to explore her life without you in it. I’m sorry that’s harsh, but when you asked why she wants to break up with you now, that’s the reason. The trip could have been her “test run” for being without you, and she liked what she felt during that 2 months. Or, it could have been that after the 2 months, she realized she wants a different direction in her life.

Arguing with her isn’t going help. She’s made up her mind, and whatever reasons she gives you for the break up, the bottom line is that she wants to be on her own now.

My advice is to accept her actions for what they are, and move on. While it’s hard to move on after a 4 year relationship, the reality is that after 4 years most couples would be engaged or married. Something about your relationship wasn’t moving you in that direction, and she’s decided to move.

You’re going to be fine, after you get over the initial shock of the news, and being single after 4 years of being a couple. There are lots of wonderful women out there who want to be in a relationship with you. Now, it’s your turn to find them. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Being late is one of the most insulting and narcissistic behaviors that occurs in a couple. When someone is consistently late it basically means that they value their own time above and beyond yours. If you’re already tried talking to her, and that doesn’t help, you can try some behavior modification.

Instead of picking her up for a date, ask her to meet you at a movie, or at a restaurant — or wherever you’re planning on going for your date. After 20 minutes past the agreed upon time, if she’s not there, you leave. No phone call. No text. Go home — or have a back up plan with friends — and go there.

When she calls furious that you left, explain that you waited, didn’t hear from her, and assumed she was a no show. Don’t get angry. Stay calm and even. Let it be her problem. If she starts yelling, tell her that you really wanted to see her, but the date was at 7, and by 7:20, she wasn’t there, so you went to a party. Tell her you’ll call her in a few days to make a date to see her again because that’s what you really want. Don’t invite her to meet you where you are — she has to feel that by being late she lost out on something, and that by being on time, she’ll get something she wants! Be firm, kind, sorry that you missed her, and looking forward to seeing her again.

Try the whole thing again, and I bet you she won’t be late for a second date. If she is, you do the same thing. Eventually, if she cares about spending time with you, she’ll make sure to be there when she says she will so that she won’t miss out on her date with you.

Let me know how it goes! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, a trip to the medical doctor is in order for your wife. It’s important to rule out any physical problems that may be causing her pain during intercourse. So make an appointment for your wife today! 🙂 There may be something the doctor can help her with. And even though you had this same problem with your ex-wife, it doesn’t mean that it’s necessarily you.

Second of all, understand that sex and arousal for women is different than for men. It takes women a lot longer to get really ready for sex — and the more ready they are, generally, the easier things go, physically. If you’re at all rushing her — or if she is the one who’s rushing herself (which is [i]entirely[/i] possible), then you would both benefit from slowing things down.

Third, remember that sex for women doesn’t necessarily start in the genitals. It starts in the brain. Women are aroused differently than men, and seduction and foreplay count for way more physical pleasure for women than they do for men. So consider getting out of your usual routine, if you have one, and starting the seduction hours or even days before you actually plan to have sex. I know it doesn’t sound very hot, but flowers, love letters, sexy flirtation, arousing phone calls during the day, can all get her in the mood long before you’re ready to hit the mattress! 😉

I’ve written a book that you will probably find helpful called Romantic Date Ideas [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url] that give you a number of actual dates that are designed to get the juices flowing and the motors warming and revving. The dates offer step by step plans for you to make a day or an evening not just perfect, but intimate, and sensual. If they don’t work — let me know! (I’ll be shocked, based on the feedback I’ve gotten.)

I hope that helps — let me know what happens. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s always a chance of getting back together, but what you really want to know is what [i]kind[/i] of a chance is there for a reconciliation? A 10 percent chance? A 75 percent chance? A 2 percent chance? It’s hard for me to know the nuances of your relationship and of your now ex-girlfriend, from just a couple of brief posts.

Some people say they want a break, just to soften the blow on the other person, when what they [b]really[/b] want is a break [i]up[/i]. Since your girlfriend already said things to you during the relationship that you’re now kicking yourself for having believed, it’s entirely possible the same thing is happening again. She may really want a break up, but is just telling you she wants a break because she doesn’t want to know she’s disappointing you.

The bottom line is that you are the one who is going to have to live your life whether or not she’s breaking up with you or just taking a temporary break from you, and you have to figure out if your life should be conducted any differently if she’s on break or broken up. (And by the way, in the absence of a Webster’s relationship dictionary, taking a break can mean a celibate period of working on problems while remaining true to you, or it can mean dating other people while taking a break from you and working on her own problems. To protect yourself, however, count on the latter.)

I think you should live your life as if you’re broken up, and consider dating other women, while she’s allegedly getting her own life together. If you live as if you’re single and confident, it’s a win win situation for you. First of all, you may meet Ms. Right, now. Second of all, your ex-girlfriend may see you differently if she sees you’re not moping around, or acting desperate or clingy. Women love men who are confident and who are winners — at everything, including dating. If your ex sees you as a winner with women, from her new perspective as your ex, she may reconsider her position.

But I want to underline again what I said in my prior post to you, which is to use what you’ve learned, and start looking for a woman who is ready to be in a relationship and doesn’t need to take a time out from dating you to get her act together. I get so many posts from readers who choose men or women who aren’t actually available for dating because their personal lives aren’t in order, so when one person (like you) in the relationship is ready for monogamy or whatever the next step is, their partner says, “Wait — I’m not really ready for that step because I haven’t done x, y or z yet.” And that halts the momentum of the relationship.

So, get back out there and be the winner you are. If she’s just on break, she’s going to rush to get her act together when she sees what’s at risk in losing you to someone else. And if she’s broken up, you get to really look full steam ahead for Ms. Right, and all the while tempt your ex to consider changing her position.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi yuminlu. This is Jen from AskaApril.com.

If you would please email your receipt to my address (Jenny@AskApril.com) I would be happy to help you.

Thanks, Jen

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re interested in a man, then you need to show your interest and your best self. It’s a little tricky when you’re trying to salvage a break up, and it’s a lot harder when he’s the one who is less interested than you. If you do give him the best that you’ve got, and he still doesn’t want you, then you can’t force him into something he doesn’t want. In fact, desperation is the kiss of death in any relationship. Men want to feel like they’ve conquered something that’s hard to get, and if you’re throwing yourself at him, all he’s gotten is the booby prize! 🙁

My advice is to read two of my books and take from them what works for you. The first is Think & Date Like A Man, that is written for women trying to get and keep Mr. Right (sound like you? 😉 ), and you can download it here and read it tonight! [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]

The other book that is going to help is a book I’ve written to spice things up in the bedroom, which couldn’t hurt your situation at all! It’s $14.95, and also downloadable here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url] For about only a cool $30, you may be able to get some advice to help you save things.

Let me know if the books help, and how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry to hear you sounding like such a victim, when really, your girlfriend didn’t do anything wrong at all! 😕 It was your choice to pay her rent and her bills and buy her gifts. She didn’t hold a gun to your head, and force you to pay for things for her. If you thought that paying her bills and buying her gifts was going to guarantee she would stay with you, you were sorely mistaken. People can’t be bought. They make choices out of free will.

Your girlfriend is right when she says she is the only one who can “fix” her life, and it’s understandable, and even laudable that she is trying to get her act together so she doesn’t have to accept rent and bill payment from a boyfriend. Not every woman is comfortable with that.

As for her being influenced by her friends, that’s who she is! It isn’t a flaw or an asset — it’s just her character.

My advice to you is to be grateful that you didn’t spend more time with someone who didn’t turn out to be Ms. Right, and that what you spent on her was limited, and was only money — and not marriage or children. She actually give you a gift by being clear with you that she isn’t interested in dating you right now. This frees you up to see who else is out there! 🙂

Use what you learned from this relationship to choose more carefully next time. Look for a woman who isn’t so needy financially, and one who’s life is in a better place to move forward in a relationship with you. Some women are more ready than others in their lives to be monogamous and marry. Or….find a woman who has more traditional values and who feels comfortable committing herself to you because you’re generous enough to pay her rent and bills. There are definitely woman who would think you’re the ultimate Mr. Right for doing this, and would value this quality in you. Also look for a woman who has more of a back bone when it comes to her being influenced by her friends, as this seems to be important to you.

I hope this helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Meeting your family is a big step towards a commitment. It shows he is interested not just in you, but in all that comes with you, too! 🙂 Long distance relationships are hard to make work, but I wish you the best of luck, and hope that yours is one that is successful.

Let me know how it all goes!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Give up. He’s not into you. After 7 years and a bunch of break ups and reconciliations, he’s not acting like he wants a future with you, and you can’t make him want what he doesn’t want, no matter how hard you try. In fact, you’re making a mess of things by drunk dialing his female friend who he may or may not still be dating. This relationship isn’t going where you want it to go, and you need to accept that in order to have some peace in your own life.

I know it’s hard to get over long term relationships, but you need to find a way to move on. Mr. Right is the man who wants you more than he wants any other woman, and is willing to put you first in his life above all else. Your current boyfriend isn’t that Mr. Right.

I’m sorry for being the bearer of news you probably don’t want to hear, but the sooner you accept reality, the sooner you can do the work to move past this bad phase, and into a wonderful phase of dating and making yourself available for your real prince! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your parents are right. You should go to UC San Diego or Berkeley rather than have to fly across the country, pay out of state tuition (which I assume your parents are taking care of) and go to schools with lesser educational resources — all because at age 18, you have feelings of love for a girl who is committed to her boyfriend! 😕

Lots of times people let their feelings get in the way of doing the right thing, and that feeling of love can really cloud your better vision. That, and the fact that you’re “antisocial” as you describe yourself, you may feel a lot safer with a woman who isn’t available to you because you don’t have to expose yourself to social situations which may frighten you. In addition, it sounds like you’re about to leave home for the first time for university life, and that can be very scary for lots of teenagers. In fact, it may be the reason you’re looking for something “safe” to glom onto as you face the big, bad world.

Facing fears is really the only way to get through them. So my advice would be to go to one of the 2 very good California universities that your parents want you to attend, and enjoy your dorm life. Take baby steps attending social functions, and take things slowly. Both of those schools have wonderful social programs, and lots of them. You’ll find your place, although it may take time, and you’ll find lots of women who aren’t already in relationships, but in fact, are ready and willing to spend time with you.

I hope this helps, and I hope you’ll muster up your courage to do the right thing. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t ask a dumb question. You asked a smart one! 😉

It’s probably very hard for you to see what it is I’m talking about when I suggest you work on yourself because it’s hard to get perspective on one’s self. Everybody’s process for self change and evolution is different, so I can try and guide you, but you’re going to have to take my advice and make it work for you in your own personal way.

What I would like for you is to see yourself as a man who has real worth and is valuable — so much so that he doesn’t need to and won’t put up with anyone who doesn’t respect themselves in the same way he respects himself, and who doesn’t act as though he is valuable. Re-read that a couple of times because it’s the crux of boosting your self esteem.

Think about men you consider successful, and understand that if they met the ex-girlfriend you’re describing, they’d brush her off so fast her head would spin. They’d have security escorting her from the building — instead of trying to help her, give her time, see if she’s got room to change, etc. They’d realize right away that this woman — or this type of woman — is a waste of their time. And they would know that their time is too valuable to waste on garbage. That’s what I want you to learn to do.

I would like to see you not want to waste your time with anyone who isn’t healthy. Don’t settle for women who are bi-polar or have bad manners. Pretend you’re the king of your life, and you won’t let anyone in who isn’t regal. That should weed out a whole lot of people, and give you a lot of time to figure out what it is you do want in a relationship and to focus on getting that particular and specific type of woman.

Learn to keep people who don’t measure up, out of your life.

I hope that that helps!

Let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You may say you don’t want out of the relationship, but when you ask me when you should stop trying with your girlfriend of ten years, I think you’re really asking me to help you realize that you do want out of the relationship, but you’re disappointed beyond words with having to accept that. Your girlfriend clearly isn’t into you the way you are into her. It is very odd that she accepted a proposal and then changed her mind — and you’re still with her considering you feel she doesn’t give you enough time, says your needs aren’t important, and won’t participate in therapy with you. When she changed her mind on your marriage proposal, that was the time for you to move on. Now, you’re just in a power struggle with her, and she’s winning. Not a good dynamic for any relationship.

When someone doesn’t want to work with you, it’s not really a relationship with mutual respect. Relationships work because couples make compromises and sacrifices for each other — mutually. Or, they work because the couple is so, so, so compatible they don’t need to make compromises and sacrifices because they both want the same thing all the time. After ten years, I doubt she’s going to change after all this time. You know her very well by now. And she knows you. What you’ve got is what you’re going to get.

I know you’re disappointed that you can’t get her to bend or miraculously transform into someone you wish she was, but accepting the reality is really the best you can do. When someone doesn’t want to work with you, there’s nothing you can do to make THEM change. But you can change yourself. I think it is time to throw in the towel on this relationship. The future with your girlfriend is just going to be more of the same, and if you want to be married, she’s not the one to say yes, as you already know.

Sorry — I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I do hope it helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gift-giving is all about picking that special something that screams, “Only I would have known how much you would love this because only I know you this well.” But, there are other factors to consider, too. Like, not freaking him out by spending too much money if you’re only seeing one another casually, or getting him too much of an intimate gift too soon.

The Perfect Gifts for Every Level of a Relationship:
Casual Date—You guys see each other once and a while but have no formal commitment, so the key here is to keep the gift light-hearted, and not imbued with too much significance or emotion. Forget the CD (too impersonal) and the clothes (too personal) and opt instead for two tickets to his favorite home-team game. Fun, and another opportunity for you to get together…and maybe turn that casual relationship into something more.

Spending limit: $50.
New Boyfriend—He’s your guy, that’s for sure, but it’s all still so new. Show him that you know him pretty well without getting too saccharin by getting him a limited-edition hardbound book by his favorite author.

Spending limit: $100-150.
Serious Beau—In some ways, this gift is easier than the others because you know him well (or at least you should if he’s been your guy for a while). My favorite gift for your guy (and actually for you too) is a weekend getaway, planned and paid for by you. Pick a place that you know he’ll love, and come up fun and creative activities to do while you’re there.

Spending limit: The sky’s the limit when you’re in love.
Any guy—I think tickets to an event — from a football game to his favorite group —are always at the top of most guys favorite gift list. They’re something you can look forward to and enjoy together… or you can be really cool and send him to the football game with his best pal. Best of all, they’re neither overly-personal, nor are they impersonal…and can range drastically in price.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not being too territorial or overreacting. Your live in boyfriend is maintaining his “friendship” with his ex-girlfriend by keeping her belongings in both of his homes, even though he’s living with you, and discussing a future with you. Your mistake was not to nip this problem in the bud, the moment you saw his ex-girlfriend’s belongings in his home when you moved in. One of the most important factors in any relationship is making sure that both parties are actually available. If your live in boyfriend is still committed to his ex-girlfriend, he’s not as available as you’d like him to be, and this presence of his e-girlfriend in your home is going to get worse if not taken care of now.

What I would caution you from doing is getting involved with his ex-girlfriend and validating any kind of threesome. The problem you have is with your boyfriend and only with your boyfriend. So leave the ex out of it.

The attitude you need to keep is important, as you implement the actions I’m going to describe below. What you want to avoid if possible is an ultimatum. Your tone should say, “I’m so glad you want a future with me — now to assure that, let’s make our home together about just you and me!” Keep it upbeat, about you and your boyfriend only, and leave out any fighting points like comparing your ex-boyfriend to his ex-girlfriend. It doesn’t really matter if your boyfriend says your ex-boyfriend is a jerk or an angel. The bottom line is that your ex-boyfriend is out of both of your lives. And likewise, it doesn’t matter if his ex-girlfriend is a jerk or a saint, the bottom line is that she still has her stuff in your lives. So keep it about facts, not feelings.

Then explain how you’d like to make the new home you’re living in together, really “yours” and it’s hard to do that with remnants of his ex around the house. Keep the focus on your future together, and not on extricating the ex’s stuff. You see, if you can keep his focus on the positive, wonderful future you’re building together, it’s less on limiting him and kicking his ex out of the picture.

Avoid talking about the ex-girlfriend and her feelings. If he brings up the ex-girlfriend’s tears, etc. Avoid that topic. Focus on your feelings, and tell him how much happier you would be to have your home, which is really your place of sanctity and intimacy, only about the two of you!

So while you’re keeping the tone positive….

The first thing I’d suggest you do is box up the ex-girlfriend’s things — neatly! 😉 Tell your boyfriend what you’re doing or what you’ve done.

Put the boxes in the garage, the yard, or some place that’s close to the door! If her things in boxes become a physical eyesore, all the better. It makes the problem of getting rid of the stuff — before the holidays — more of an issue.

Get addresses, price quotes from UPS and Fed Ex, and label the boxes so they’re ready to be shipped out. One possible destination is the ex-girlfriend’s house. One is her parent’s home. (You can figure out the other places that you can get rid of her stuff.) Then, tell your boyfriend that you’d like him to ship the things by a particular date.

If after all this, he’s still choosing to put her feelings above yours, then you’ve got to realize you’ve got a boyfriend who isn’t interested in letting his ex go, completely, even though you’re the one he SAYS he wants a future with. Actions speak louder than words, and you’ll have to make a tough decision if he wants her in his life, too. Frankly, if that’s the case, you can do better. But for now, communicate clearly with him that your needs are that the stuff goes.

I hope that helps!

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