[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have two issues here. If you are having a genuine problem with sex in your relationship, then the solution has to do with sexuality and communication.

However, if you’re really just frustrated that your boyfriend hasn’t proposed marriage after a two year relationship, and doesn’t seem likely to, then any problem in the relationship — whether it’s sex, his family, how much or little he works, how much money he makes, how lazy or energetic he is — is going to bother you because you’re going to misplace your anger there rather than where it belongs: he hasn’t proposed marriage.

So, it’s up to you to decide what to deal with the lack of sex in your relationship or the lack of commitment. My advice is that you deal with the latter. If a man wants to marry you, you’ll know it way before 2 years into a relationship because he’ll propose. Since your boyfriend hasn’t, I don’t think he’s going to easily or willingly or soon.

If you have to “painstakingly salvage” a relationship to a man you’re “madly in love with” when nothing traumatic has happened between the two of you or to either one of you, then maybe you need to rethink what and who it is that you’re madly in love with, because I don’t think that person is there any more.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should definitely [i]not[/i] ask him out. ❗ If he wants to date you, he’ll ask you on a date. It’s that simple. And if you remember that, then you won’t feel mixed up or confused.

You can[i] pretend[/i] you’re getting mixed signals, but from where I sit, they’re not so mixed! 😕 While your co-worker may like you enough to flirt with you, he hasn’t asked you out on a date! So, what’s the mix up? If you ask him out on a date, you can be sure you’re going to be mixed up and confused even further, because you’ll never know if he would have asked you out first.

Lots of men like to flirt, and if they can have sex with a woman, then they will. But if you want a man who’s only going to want you, then this guy isn’t the one.

You should read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It teaches women how to figure out what they want in a man, how to get him, and how to keep him. I think you’d learn a lot from reading this book — it’s a quick read! 🙂 — and you’ll save yourself a lot of confusion about men in the future from what you learn.

I hope that helps! Good luck. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The kind of healing your doing takes time, so don’t beat yourself up because things aren’t going exactly the way you want in exactly the moment you want them. Allow the healing process to happen.

In the meantime, what you can do is spice things up in the bedroom to try and entice him and give him the gift of your sexual self so he doesn’t perform out of a sense of duty, and you don’t feel like he’s just performing his duties, but instead, is aroused and excited by being with you. I have written a book that will help you a lot called Romantic Date Ideas, and you can download it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. I think it’s going to give you a lot of creative suggestions to start heating up your sex life again.

In addition, understand that he is working hard, and stress zaps sexual energy, so you might want to take care of him in other ways, too, like giving him a massage to release stress and bringing him a cocktail while you listen to him vent about his day, all the while you’re wearing something enticing and sexy. In other words, give yourself the gift of feeling sexy and acting sexy, and give him the gift of listening, understanding, and presenting yourself to him in a sexy wife way.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like this girl likes you, and you should step things up and take it to the next level. Try holding hands and linking arms as well as taking her out on real dates, just the two of you.

Don’t worry that you’re instigating the texts and she’s not. She’s waiting for you to show your interest, and after only 1 month, she’s not going to start texting you when she isn’t sure how you feel about her. So ask her out, and see if there’s any chemistry and compatibility!

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forget the whole thing and chalk the night off to a drunken one night stand that resulted in making out, only to realize your date for the night was kissing your friend, too. He’s not boyfriend material, and it’s not your girlfriend’s fault he kissed her, so don’t blame her.

If you decide to pursue his interest, you’re asking for trouble. You already know he kisses at least two different women in one night, so if you do decide to date him, expect more of the same.

You can do better! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you!! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s hard to tell from what you’ve written what the real reason is for your sex life grinding to a complete halt after a 2 year relationship. If the reason is that you’re both stressed, or he’s stressed, that is entirely understandable, but I don’t think you believe that’s the reason.

If you’re angry at him for not being the man you want him to be, and he senses this, he may be retaliating passive aggressively, by withholding sex and telling you the reason he’s withholding is because you’re not giving enough in bed. Rather than dealing with the underlying problem (your disappointment that he’s not the man you want him to be), you escalated on his anger by criticizing his attention paid to you and his lack of compliments. So you’re just churning a list of complaints against each other rather than dealing with the real problem that underlies this.

If you want to stay with him, and you want to work on your sex life, then you have to commit to doing that without expecting anything in return, and understanding that it may take time and some rejections at first. If you are interested, I have a great book to spice up the bedroom life of any couple, called Romantic Date Ideas that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url].

But….if you’re really finished with him, and just think that after 2 years, you’re not interested on working on this relationship and he’s not worth the time and energy, then your sex life is just the symptom of your wanting to leave, but not doing it.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds to me like she likes you, and you’re paralyzed by your fear of losing control. I’d advise you to get over your fear, and see if she really does like you as a boyfriend, the only way possible — by asking her out and pursuing a romantic relationship with her. I know that rejection is painful, but it’s part of life, and frankly, you haven’t even gotten it from her yet!

Understandably, she’s healing from a long term relationship break up, and then a short term dating disappointment, but if she’s gone to the movies with you, flirts with you, talks to you at work, and has lunch with you at work, I’d tell you to go for it!

If she does balk and decide she doesn’t want to date you, you’ll live, and you’ll know that she’s not the one for you. But if she doesn’t balk, and is interested and wants to date you, then you’ll have found out something nice!

So, go for it! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Rejection is painful.

I’m also sorry that you think it would be “lame” of me to tell you to move on and offer you a self help book! 😕 Clearly, you don’t want my full advice — only censored (through your specific impositions) advice.

I’m quite sure that’s why you’re not accepting your boyfriend’s rejection, too. You don’t want the full story — just your limited version of why he left, so that you can try and believe that he was wrong to leave and still loves you. Well, that’s not going to help you. 🙁

I know you have ideas of how a relationship should happen, and how people should feel, but you have to understand that he’s not you. There are plenty of reasons for him to lose interest and do a 180 degree turn in his feelings. And they’re different from your feelings. His thinking about marriage and children and telling you he was thinking about them may have been the catalyst for his realization that he doesn’t want to have them with you, and so he told you he doesn’t love you any more. When he told you he was thinking of marriage and children, you assumed he was thinking he wanted them with you, rather than his thinking that he was considering if he wanted them with you. 😐

Actions ALWAYS speak louder than words, and you’re clinging to his words and trying to make pretend that they are more important than his action. I’m sorry this is harsh, but the words carry way less importance than the fact that he broke up with you, and his reasons that he gave for breaking up with you have way less importance than the fact that he’s left.

You’re right that love “doesn’t just disappear like that”, and I’m quite sure that this happened somewhere along the way of your year together that things didn’t start adding up for him to a future together. You may not have seen what he saw that made him want to leave, or you may have and have chosen to ignore them or brush them off — I don’t know because I’m only hearing from you, not him.

And he may still love you, but love isn’t enough to sustain a serious relationship. You can love someone, and also decide that they are not a person you want to marry or have children with. At 37, he may be thinking seriously about marriage and children, and he has his own ideas of what his wife and mother of his children will look like and be. Sadly, you weren’t the one for him. 😥

I hope that helps. Let me know when you do want me to tell you about moving on and self help books! 😉 I know you’re in pain, and I’m sorry. I also know you you’re going to be okay. 🙂

Let me know how things go, and if you need any more help.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Actions speak louder than words — and I’m sure that I’m not the first person who’s said that to you. If your boyfriend says he is committed to you, but acts otherwise, you should trust your instincts and his actions.

You haven’t really asked me a question, so I guess you just wanted to vent your problems and feelings — which are all understandable.

What I would caution you about is marriage. If you do marry him, his debts become yours, and because you are so interested in your own financial security, you’d be wise to consider this. It is disappointing that he does not see or support his child from another girlfriend. That child deserves a father and child support from the father.

Your decision to move an hour and a half away from your job and your family to support his business, when he hasn’t proposed marriage to you, was a bad decision — but not irreparable. I know you were probably wishing the new baby would make him someone other than who he is – responsible! – but it hasn’t.

As your maternity leave winds up, you should seriously consider moving back to be close to your job and family so you can have support with your son when you go back to work. And if things don’t work out with your boyfriend, your support system will be in tact. That might also be the time when you decide whether or not to stay with your boyfriend the same way you’ve been committed to him up until now.

I know that you say you love him, but this is a guy who’s cheated on you, is a bad father to his 1 year old with another mother, has some serious debt issues, and who you’re not sure you trust. Love? I don’t think this is what love looks like, but I’m quite certain this is not what a good husband and father looks like.

Re-consider your choices, and let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re sad. Rejection is painful. But…if you can stop looking backwards at what you used to have, but no longer do, and look at today and the future, I think what you’ll find is that your ex-boyfriend really did right by you by being honest with you that he wasn’t interested. He didn’t waste your time because when he first started dating you he had good intentions, but dating isn’t a commitment that necessarily leads to marriage or forever. Dating is a process whereby both people decide if they are a good match together. When you lose sight of that fact that dating is a process and not a commitment, you can fool yourself into thinking that a date or a boyfriend is a fiance or a husband.

What your boyfriend did when he broke up with you was to allow you to begin to look elsewhere for Mr. Right, and if you’re able to accept your pain, but not dwell in it, you can understand that relationships are the culmination of both peoples’ feelings. You can’t control his, and he can’t control yours. It could just as easily have been you realizing you weren’t that into him — or someone else down the line.

So, heal your broken heart by focusing on you, and not him, and start living your life for today and tomorrow, not yesterday.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t understand what the problem is. ❓ You’re 21 years old and a legal adult, so a 13 year age gap isn’t illegal or even necessarily a bad thing. While cougar relationships where women are older than their boyfriends, are [i]relatively[/i] new, women dating older men is pretty traditional.

I can see where your boyfriend working for your father could be a conflict of interest for all of you, the reality is that lots of people meet at work or through family, so there really isn’t anything unusual or wrong with your having met someone your dad works with.

As long as your boyfriend is not married, or a criminal convict I can’t imagine why your family would be upset, except for the fact that you’ve kept this from them, and even that can be dealt with. It also doesn’t sound like your parents have forbade you from dating or from dating anyone your father works with, so again, I’m just not seeing the problems. In answer to your question, I’d advise that you just make the introduction of the relationship to your family light. Don’t act like there’s some big, dark secret you’ve been keeping from them. Let them know that you’re happily dating someone, who he is, and that you want to share your good news with them. No biggie! 🙂

I definitely wouldn’t advise breaking this off — especially since you haven’t even seen what your family’s reaction will be. So tell them, keep it light, and enjoy yourself! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When a guy is serious about you, he’ll want you to meet his friends, and to show you off as his new girlfriend. The fact that your six month boyfriend specifically DOESN’T want you to meet his friends is a big warning to you that he’s not that serious about you.

I hope that helps!

Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you need to do now, in answer to your question, is to understand that the two of you are not compatible at this time in your lives.

But first, I have to tell you that he isn’t necessarily doing anything wrong, and neither are you. The problem is that you’re not accepting each other’s differences and allowing for compromise. If you can’t do this, you’re never going to make this work with him, and for future, you’re going to have to find someone who’s got the exact same values as you do, or more likely, you’re going to have to learn to bend a little bit, and allow him his own values.

For instance, if he doesn’t want to go shopping with you because he wants to lounge around the house, you need to understand that that’s just who he is. He needs more down time than you. He doesn’t need to see you as much as you need to see him. His idea of what a couple’s relationship looks like is different than yours. I’m not sure I believe his excuse that his parents want to spend more time with him — I think he was just looking for a way to hold you at bay because you don’t like his honest answer that he just doesn’t want to see you as much as you want to see him.

This simple difference and lack of a compromise seems to have spun into a list of criticisms from each of you about each other. The criticism isn’t the problem. People in happy couples always have differences, but they’ve figured out how to accommodate each others’ differences whether they’re social, sexual, economic, energy, financial or family differences.

I wish I knew your ages because I’m going to guess that you’re both young, and for that reason, I think for now, you’re right, that you’re better off looking for someone who is more compatible with your relationship values and wants more of the same things, but I would also advise you to work on accepting differences and deciding if there are compromises to keep the relationship together and the differences intact, before lunging into a litany of critiques of each other.

I hope that helps!

Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So glad I was able to help you.

The pity party is over, and the party where you are the belle of the ball is about to begin! 🙂 Open your mouth, inhale, hold the oxygen and release. Breathing is that easy! Repeat, repeat, repeat.

You’re going to be fine. Keep moving forward.

Good luck!!

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