[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you should remember the Christmas spirit that gets lost so often in our busy and materialistic world. Gifts are about the spirit of giving and not the price tag, model number or largesse of the box! You’ve gotten way too involved in making people give you what you want the way you want it, and you’ve denied them and yourself the opportunity to experience the joy of seasonal giving. So let go of your materialism, and put people’s feelings first this holiday season.

Since your boyfriend already bought you the camera, and seems to be very upset about all the wok he’s done getting it for you, don’t make him return it. Thank him so much for everything, and apologize for any misunderstanding or inconvenience that he’s suffered. That is — if you care about his feelings more than your gift. 😉

Your parents sound like they can reasonably understand the mixup, and would be happy to give you something else that you really want. After all, your boyfriend of 8 months hasn’t had that many opportunities to give you gifts, and this one is probably important to him. If you stay with him over the years, my guess is he’ll ease up as he’ll have birthdays and anniversaries and Valentine’s Day gift giving opportunities, and he may even learn to coordinate with your parents when it comes to giving you gifts — or keep them all secrets from you ahead of time.

But for now, accept the gift your boyfriend already got you, and allow your parents to graciously give you some other holiday present. Now….what are you going to get them?? 😆

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not really clear from your post if your and your work colleague are dating. I’m reading about a lot of feelings and discussions, but I haven’t heard you’ve gone on one date?!

If you haven’t, then quite simply, you’re not dating, and there’s nothing to break up. If he wants to pursue you as a girlfriend, he’ll ask you out. That’s how you’ll know he’s interested in you. Simple, huh? 😛

What I think is really going on here is that you’re raw from your divorce, and you haven’t really gotten into the dating world for fear of all the change and transition in your own life. This guy is sort of acting as a bridge from your marriage and divorce into your single and dating life. The fact that you’re both bending into a relationship rather than definitively having one with first dates, second dates, and all the traditions that remind us and the rest of the world where we are, socially, is just a sign that you’re scared or nervous about starting to date after a divorce.

Your instincts about yourself are correct — that this is a time for you to focus on yourself, having come out of a long term marriage that ended in divorce where you were fully committed and young when the marriage began. That said, you’re definitely ready to baby-step date! 🙂

The problem with the situation you’re in is that often divorced people look to replace the missing “limb” that their ex-spouse feels like, and close family friends or work colleagues fly under the radar that would be in place if you meet someone new who’s background you don’t know. You can easily think someone is a good bet for dating because you already know him from work, but what I would encourage you to do is not date your colleague, and instead, read my book called Think & Date Like A Man that you can download for $15.95 right here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and reacquaint yourself with the dating world.

There’s a reason that conventional, traditional dates exist — and that reason is so as not to confuse anyone with what is actually going on. When a man calls you up and asks you to have dinner with him on a weekend night, picks up you, pays for dinner and kisses you goodnight, it’s clear that he’s got romantic interest in you. Dates are great because they don’t waste anyone’s time and they don’t confuse people with what anyone’s intentions are.

I don’t think that you would find your work colleague’s behavior confusing if you had a little more dating under your belt. You’d see it as a guy you know and work with, who’s newly single after messy break up with his girlfriend, and is interested in pursuing other options, but isn’t really committed to dating you enough to make the dates real ones. If you can see what I just described, then I’d tell you not to date him until you’re a little more dating acclimated and he’s a little more clear about what he wants from you.

I hope that helps, and that you will buy my book and read it this weekend — and let me know if it’s useful to you (I think it will be enormously so!). 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not cursed. And, it’s possible for you to have a healthy relationship. But moving to a different city isn’t going to change the challenges you face.

My advice to you would be to SLOW DOWN when you date someone. You can’t really analyze what’s going on when you’re part of the equation, or when you’re moving at warp speed towards what you think is loyalty and intimacy. So slow down your dates. Don’t rush into commitment. Keep your checkbook in your pocket, and quit writing checks for mortgages, rent, tuition, and other things that a normal date would be taking care of herself. I know this is going to be hard for you, but I’m still asking you to do it. After all, you can’t really see a woman’s problems if you’re rushing to fix them. Sometimes a woman’s problems will make her incompatible, and that’s where you have to hone your sense of objectivity.

Don’t assume. When you assumed your ex-girlfriend was bi-polar, you ruled out the fact that she was a meth addict. Big mistake. Keep an open mind — and I think this is going to be something you need to practice.

If a woman you’re dating isn’t living up to your standards of what Ms. Right should be, end the relationship. Again, this is going to take practice for you, and a clear idea of who Ms. Right is, and what she behaves like.

Wanting to be married, and having friends who are all married, is a good start to put you on the path to marrying yourself. Now, you have to do the real work. You can read a thousand books, but unless you do the work that is required to be in a relationship, the books are just academic.

I think you can do what you want — have a real, healthy relationship that leads to lifelong loyalty, love and intimacy, but you’re going to have to do some work on yourself, first.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’d like to see you go easier on yourself, not take yourself so seriously, and take some of your emotions out of your decision making. You seem to judge yourself really easily, and tell yourself you did something right or wrong. If you can accept who you are, and really know yourself, you’ll be able to make decisions in relationships without so much angst and pain.

From what you’ve written, (and with any luck re-read yourself! 😉 ) you’ve presented yourself to me as a guy who’s got some clear boundaries on what is okay and what is not okay in a relationship in terms of where you’re going to live and what kind of behavior you’re going to tolerate from a partner. Lots of people have standards and boundaries, but they’re usually [i]weighted[/i]. There are deal breakers and then there are things you don’t like in another person’s behavior or lifestyle, but their good outweighs their bad, so you make compromises consciously and cooperatively. No couple finds their partner perfect, but they realize that this person has so many good qualities, that they will accept the qualities that they don’t like so much for the sake of the whole person — not just her parts.

For instance, when your girlfriend kept putting you on hold on the phone or kept taking calls instead of yours every 5 or 10 minutes, that was a[i] big[/i] annoyance to you. But rather than tell her that this is something you don’t like, but you’re willing to accommodate her busy social life if she can make 2 thirty minute phone calls with you each week without interruptions — or some other “deal” that would give you the attention you want — then you wouldn’t need to close up on her. That closing up and cutting people off doesn’t serve you in the long run.

If you’re uncomfortable expressing your feelings with your ex-girlfriend — or any other girlfriend — then a compromise situation for you is to recognize your boundaries, and instead of blowing up in a fight where you don’t properly and completely express yourself, and then suffer a 4 day no-talking period to cool down or punish her, you can recognize your anger building BEFORE the fight, and say, look, let’s agree to disagree, but let’s make a compromise so we both get our needs taken care of. I don’t like when you do X and you don’t like when I do Y, so here’s my suggestion for a deal we can cut. Do you have any suggestions?

It sounds like it’s very hard for you to express yourself in the moment your feelings are happening, and I’m not asking you to do that all at once because it’s a practice that will grow, but for now, if you can start making deals when something doesn’t feel right to you so that both people, you and your girlfriend or ex-girlfriend, feel like there’s a win-win situation, you won’t feel the need to close off and shut down emotionally.

If you can wrap your head around that change in your own behavior, you’re going to have a lot more peace and romance in your relationships.

As for moving on or trying to get back with your ex-girlfriend, I think that if you’re willing to work through your communication issues, and your ex-girlfriend is available, and willing to give it a try, then you may have a shot at a reunion.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, first of all, get the idea out of your head that just because you didn’t have intercourse you didn’t cheat. Making out with a man who isn’t your boyfriend is cheating, and performing oral sex on a man who isn’t your boyfriend is definitely cheating, too. So don’t trick yourself into thinking that just because there wasn’t penetration you’re home scott free. Cheating is cheating, so let’s call it what it is.

The fact that you made out with a guy who wasn’t your boyfriend — and then 2 days later, rather than be stricken with remorse for having cheated, you performed oral sex on another guy, is of concern. Sometimes people slip up once, and feel really awful about what they’ve done, and decide whether it’s something that they want to deal with or not. But what is of concern that you made out with a guy, and then, as if on a roll, you had sex with a completely different man only two days later.

I can’t tell you WHY you’re doing what you’re doing based on your post, but I can tell you that unless you stop doing it, you’re going to hurt yourself and your boyfriend, and probably other men who think your affection is a sign of more than just sex — and maybe their girlfriends, too. But, I think you and I are in agreement that this behavior isn’t healthy. It appears from your post that this is the only time you’ve ever cheated, but again, the fact that you weren’t upset after making out with the first guy — enough to stop, is of concern. That you went on to cheat with guy #2 without hesitation, is what’s problematic.

Your choices are to continue this behavior or stop it. You’re certainly old enough, intelligent enough and cognizant enough to stop on your own without my help. So decide how you want to live the rest of your life and then act on that conviction. If I were you, I’d stop the alcohol as a preventative measure — even if you don’t think alcohol played a part in your behavior. If you care about your boyfriend and really don’t want to cheat again, you need to take the cheating seriously enough to change your ways.

You and your boyfriend appear to have been dating 7 months this go-round, and if you want to marry him and have a long term monogamous relationship with him, it’s better if he hears about your behavior from yourself rather than finds out about it elsewhere. But if this is your subconscious way of wanting to end the relationship but not having the nerve to do it forthright, then you should really deal with that issue and face the music rather than play out your feelings in a passive aggressive way.

I hope that this helps. Let me know how things go, and good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad to have helped. I hope things go as you want them to. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s understandable that you’re a little nervous to move things to the next level because you’re afraid of rejection, but it’s time to do just that! 🙂

Here’s how:

[b]Don’t[/b] “have a talk” and “decide” whether or not to be in a relationship. That’s not natural, and it will scare her off because it’s unfair to ask her to commit to a relationship when she doesn’t really know what that will look like or be like. In fact, it’s unfair to you, too, to commit to something you’re not sure what it will look like or feel like.

[b]Do[/b] start dialing up the romance on the times you do spend together, and the flirting you do with her. For instance, while it’s great that she studies with you when you invite her, try inviting her to a movie on a Friday or Saturday night. Pay for her ticket. Hold her hand, if you feel it’s right, kiss her good night on the lips.

The following week invite her for dinner — either at a restaurant or a home cooked meal — and make sure there’s candlelight, some great music to put you both in a romantic mood, and more hand holding.

Get it? 😎

Although it may seem scary to you to ask her out on a real date, it’s a lot more natural than asking her if she wants to “be in a relationship”. It also allows you both to slow things down to whatever pace you want. In other words, if she kisses you back, and flirts back with you on that first date, you’re going to get a much better reading of her feelings towards you. If she accepts a second date, then you’re even more sure that you’re “dating”. And at any time, either one of you can dial it down, too — much more organically.

The reason she isn’t initiating study dates or texts is that she’s not interested in being just your buddy, and since you’ve been friends for 2 years now, if this is going to become a romance, she wants to make sure your feelings for her are genuinely romantic. If she asks you first or texts you first, it’s just more of the same. But if you take the lead, and dial up your manliness, she’ll get a chance to respond not by being a buddy, but by being your date.

I hope this helps — let me know how things go! And good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He joined [i]a dating site[/i], and you’re wondering if you can trust him??

NO! 😕

You can’t. I understand your concern about karma and his repeating his pattern of cheating on his last girlfriend with you while they were dating, now that you’re his girlfriend, and she’s out of the picture. But when you told me he’s joined a dating site — AND he’s corresponding with a woman from that site, I think you know the answer to your question.

Actions speak louder than words, and while he may tell you he’s loyal and wants to have a baby with you, you’d be wise to remember he’s got another woman he’s saying (maybe those same) things to, too!

Sorry, but I don’t think you’ve got Mr. Right. 🙁 Not this time.

Be a little more discriminating next time. You deserve a guy who’s loyal to you and only you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words about Think & Date Like A Man. I’m SOOOO glad it helped you, and that we can discuss it here. 🙂

I understand how you figured that your guy didn’t fall into the category of a man who wasn’t ready to marry when you met him because at the time, he was solvent and focused on his job and career. But….now he isn’t. You’re not married; you’re not engaged; and your relationship is put in limbo by his request for you to “chill out” while he gets his act together.

If your choice is to wait, and you’re having trouble being alone, then try these suggestions:

1. Volunteer! This is a great time of year for you to give yourself to those less fortunate who make your being alone look like you’re a family member in Cheaper By The Dozen! Homeless shelters accept volunteers; hospitals accept volunteers; the Red Cross accepts volunteers — and that’s just off the top of my head. There are suicide hotlines that require help at this time of year especially and foster care for children and animals that all need help. So, start giving some of that alone time you have to others.

2. Focus on you! If you’ve always wanted to learn how to throw a pot in a pottery class or practice Japanese floral arranging or speak Portuguese, this is a great time to take a class. You can learn to play chess, kick box or even take an ethnic cooking class. This will all take up your time and enrich who you already are!

3. Makeovers can really give you a renewed sense of yourself both physically and psychologically. You can do a glamour makeover that involves your hair and makeup. You can makeover your wardrobe and clean out your closet (donations of old clothes you no longer wear are timely for taxes, too!). You can join a health club and start your New Year’s resolution of shedding pounds or inches early.

I hope that that was what you were looking for!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Patrick:

Your particular idea of loyalty is not shared by everyone, and that’s where I suggested your narcissism. Just because you have a value or standard does not mean anyone else shares it, and it is damaging to yourself to assume your views are held by others.

In the normal dating world, a commitment is usually signified by a proposal of marriage and the marriage itself. When I advised the woman with children to stay loyal to her marriage it was a COMPLETELY different situation than yours because she and her husband were married and had children. Children don’t have choices when parents divorce the way adults do, and my suggestion of loyalty was probably because she cared about putting her children first. Her life was not the only one at stake in her situation. Her children’s lives were tantamount. You don’t have kids, so it’s an entirely different situation. To compare them is to do yourself a disservice.

You’re not engaged. You’re not married. You don’t have children. For you to assume the same sort of loyalty from a girlfriend is delusional.

You may have read lots of information and books about relationships, but you need to put down the books and look around you and really take in what other people are thinking, saying, feeling and doing. It’s fine to honor your own feelings and your sense of self, but if you want to be in a relationship with someone else, you need to have a realistic perspective on the community you live in and the people you are engaged with.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so upset. I think I can help you.

Your dynamic with your ex-boyfriend is not healthy, and as long as you stay engaged by trying to make things work either as friends or lovers, you’re going to continue to be upset because he will never give you what you ultimately want. He’s being very clear with you, but you don’t want to see the clarity. Instead of looking at every nuance of every behavior, just look at the broad strokes. [b]He’s not interested in a steady, constant, long term relationship with you. [/b] His actions couldn’t speak louder.

It’s understandable that you want things to be different, but don’t lie to yourself to try and pretend they could be — or worse, that they are.

Whether he’s depressed, suicidal, manipulative, or, as you first described him, simply “an ass”, you need to disengage and not worry or think about who he is, why he is that way, and how he treats you. What you do need to do is set up boundaries for yourself that don’t include him in your life because you will continue to ride the emotional roller coaster until you get off.

Your questions are all the wrong questions because they are all clearly about him. What you didn’t ask is why you keep going back to someone who doesn’t treat you well, over and over. The answer is that you don’t value yourself enough to stop wasting your time, your emotions and your company with someone who’s not Mr. Right by a long shot.

I hope this helps — please let me know how things go. I know it’s difficult to get over an ex, but that’s the only way you’re going to get off the roller coaster that’s making you sick.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your instincts are correct — follow them! ❗ You SHOULD NOT ask your co-worker out on a date. ALWAYS let the man do the chasing in any relationship because the bottom line is that men love the chase, and they love catching something great even more! If you ask him out then you’re denying him the opportunity to chase you and win you over. So don’t do it.

Second of all, there are no mixed signals here. Let me help you clarify. This guy likes you enough to flirt with you, but he also has a girlfriend. So you have to understand that men will sleep with women when they can simply because they can. If he flirts with you and wants to sleep with you, this doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to be your boyfriend, be monogamous with you or be your Mr. Right. 😕

So, enjoy the flirtation, but see it for what it is — just that: A guy at work you flirt with, but not Mr. RIght by a long shot.

I think at your age you’d really enjoy reading my book for women who are dating called Think & Date Like A Man that you can download here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It will help you understand what’s going on in relationships you have with men — and it will help you figure out who Mr. Right is and how to get him — and keep him.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Boy, you sure must be a glutton for punishment! 😕 I’ve never heard anyone who’s been such a victim go on and on about his controlling ex-girlfriend for so long. Really — you’d do a lot better to s[i]top analyzing your ex-girlfriend[/i] and start figuring out why [b]you[/b] put yourself in situations where people can use you.

Until you work on your self and find your self esteem and your ability to be in a healthy relationship, you’re just going to subject yourself to more of the same, and that’s really too bad. 😥 I’m sure you want to be loved and respected, but you don’t know how to attract people who can love and respect. In fact, you ignored all the signs of an unhealthy person who abuses others, and dove in even further.

I hope that you’ll learn to use boundaries, and just hang up when you hear her voice. The more you engage, the more you’re playing the victim. A man with good self esteem won’t spend time with a woman who uses him. And the more you practice using these boundaries, the more you’ll keep out inappropriate girlfriends, and make space for Ms. Right.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go — but stop thinking about your ex. Just focus on you for now. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

For the future, please post your new question on the tail end of your last post that you want me to follow. It’s a lot easier for me to follow your history if you post your new question on the end of the last communication we had. Your new post will move the whole history to the front of the queue! I want to be thorough in my answer, and that’s the best way to keep me up on everything that’s happened in your relationship! 🙂

From what I can tell of your history with this guy — you need to read my book, Think & Date Like A Man! I’m asking you again to download it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] because it’s going to help you a lot!

I know you don’t want to give up, but your guy isn’t giving you anything to give up on. He’s not into you right now. As he’s said, he’s in “survival mode” working two jobs and taking care of his financial problems. When you read my book you’ll understand that men who want to be in relationships and who are possible Mr. Rights are [i]ready[/i] to be in relationships. One of the ways you’ll know they’re ready for a real relationship is that they’ll be financially secure and where they want to be (or close to the right path) in their career. Your guy is trying to get there, but he’s not there, and you can’t ignore that fact. He’s just not ready for you right now.

If you’re spending too much time alone — that’s not his fault! You need to get out there and start doing more things to so you don’t feel lonely, whether that’s working, socializing, volunteering, acting politically or exercising and improving yourself!

There’s no reason for you to be stressed about this relationship if you accept the facts, and they are that he’s not into having a relationship with you right now, and he’s not giving you any reason to wait for him. So start living your own life for you.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!! 😀

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