[April Masini, your AskApril]

You already know what to do, but you’re afraid of what you’re going to learn. 🙁 My advice is to muster your courage and face the music, whatever the tune will be.

Your intuition is telling you that your boyfriend has other girlfriends he’s dating besides you, in spite of the fact that you’ve decided he’s Mr. Right and want to marry him. You snuck in and checked his text messages because you don’t believe he’s being faithful to you, and what you found on his phone is pretty incriminating. It would have been better if you’d asked him about your concerns first, before covertly checking his text messages, but you didn’t, so let’s just go from here.

It’s now time to ask him what’s going on. See if you can do this without being angry which may make him feel defensive and lie. The truth is you really want to find out if he’s dating other people, and if so, you want to be able to make a genuine decision on how you want to proceed with your own life, given that you’re 39 years old, probably with a biologically ticking clock, and after 6 months of dating him, with marriage on your mind, you’d like to know whether you should stay or go.

What I’d advise you to avoid is blaming him. He’s not proposed marriage to you, and you’re not living together, so technically, he’s entitled to date whomever he wants whenever he wants. Bear that in mind. In fact, you can tell him that you do understand that, but that if he is, you’d like to move on in your life without him, because you’re not willing to share him any more. If this sounds at all like an ultimatum, you didn’t do it right. You want it to sound like a reasonable question given what you’ve seen and read. He hasn’t been able to come to you and tell you he wants to date other women (if that is what he’s doing), and you haven’t been able to come to him and ask him if he’s dating other women — up until now. Put the question on the table in high-road fashion.

Let me know if that helps, and how things go.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you!

Stay focused on yourself, and what it is that you want in a relationship and who Mr. Right is going to be for you. If you do stay focused on keeping only healthy and productive people in your life, that’s who you’re going to attract.

You can ignore this guy’s advances or you can tell him that you’re not longer interested and you wish him luck, so he knows that it’s over. Of course that may not stop him from asking you out or contacting you, but at least you’ll have crossed your T’s and dotted your I’s.

This may also be a good time for you to check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who are looking for Mr. Right and want to know how to find him, get him and keep him! You can order this book online here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] for $15.95. It’s a great investment — if it keeps you out of just one bad relationship, you’ll have gotten way more than your money’s worth! You can also download it today, and be finished reading by this weekend’s end. 🙂

I’m glad to hear you’re doing so well, and thank you for the follow up!

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You tend to be narcissistic in your views, and it would serve you well to understand that just because you have an idea, doesn’t mean it’s right, or that anyone else shares your feelings or thoughts.

When you write “there was no effort on her part to try and be interested” you’re assuming she is supposed to be make an effort. That’s pretty self-centered of you, and basically wrong! 😮 She can do whatever she wants. She’s her own person, and you are your own person. Just because you think she should have made an effort to “try and be interested” in you doesn’t mean you’re correct. 😕 In fact, you’re not. You’re wrong.

When someone tries to be right, they never win. It’s a common dynamic in couples breaking up. Because they can’t have the relationship, they try to be right. That’s where you’re headed. You’re turning a simple rejection into an analytic report on right and wrong, but you’ve only got one point of view here! So stop talking about what other people do. You’re only an authority on you.

When you say that everyone breaks the law, you’re wrong again. You may (and have) broken the law, but you have no authority to talk about other people, and the truth is not everyone does break the law. But what is more important is that you are hiding behind these erroneous “facts” that you seem to spout about other people, and your girlfriend.

I’m sorry if this is harsh, but you really need to “get this” in order to move on with your life.

She had every right to have sex with you and then break up with you 3 days later. Sometimes people do that, and rather than surmise why she did it, you could get the truth by asking her and listening to her answer, and not arguing it. Just accepting.

As for the cats, again, the cats have nothing to do with this. Stop playing games with the cats. If she wants them, and you genuinely don’t, give them to her. Don’t charge her. Take the high road. Be the bigger person. Let her have her cake and eat it, too if you think that’s what she’s doing (which may or may not be true), because you are no longer interested in punishing her or evening the score — you just want to move on, and if giving her the cat or the cats makes moving on easier, than do it. Because [i]that [/i]should be your goal. 🙂

My advice is not to date her any more, whether or not she comes back to you, because your dynamic with her is not healthy, and it’s putting you in emotional discord. Dating and being in a relationship shouldn’t be this hard, this soon. Forget about her, and focus on you — and only you! Not her.

I hope that you’ll let this relationship go, and move on, next time, making more prudent decisions about women based on what you’ve learned from your past relationships!

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think your husband lied to you and cheated on you, and you only found out about it because this other woman contacted you to tell you. While it’s understandable that you’re angry at this woman, your anger is misplaced, and should be directed towards your husband.

I suggest your husband abide by the restraining order and stay away from this woman as she’s requesting and as the court has ordered. I suggest that you and your husband not litigate against this woman. It doesn’t sound like you have any grounds to win a case against her. Taking this woman to court is just going to keep her in your life, and stir the drama pot.

Decide what to do about your husband.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, he’s not interested in you as a girlfriend any more. If you hadn’t contacted him first he wouldn’t have called you in response. He didn’t ask you out. He just wanted to “check in” with you, and is probably going to try and remain friends. But that won’t work if you’re jealous of his dating other women or if you still have feelings for him. I think it would be a good idea for you not to contact him, and just move on.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You were smart and lucky to find out all this information before you married your fiance and his debts became your debts. It’s much easier to make decisions when you have all the information in front of you.

My advice is to try and take the emotion out of this problem and make a business decision that has nothing to do with love. Decide where your personal boundaries are for taking on his debt. For some people, what you describe would be do-able. For you, not so much.

In order to better educate yourself consider meeting with an accountant or business manager [i]or two[/i] in order to lay everything out, ask your questions — and ask them what questions they think you should be asking that you may not have asked already. This will cost you several hundred dollars, but will be a good investment in your decision.

It would also be helpful to find out how he managed to accrue such a debt. Did he overspend? Was there a illness or injury that kept him from working? Is he just a bad financial planner? Does he like to live outside his means?

After you’ve gotten some professional money manager advice, and some more information about how your fiance got into this situation, you have to ask yourself the tough personal question, and that is: Is this man compatible with you because love is not enough to sustain a relationship over the long term. Love comes and goes, it fades and blooms, throughout the course of a marriage. While every couple has money issues at least at one or two points in their marriage, remember that these money problems can break a marriage, and they do. Money is one of the most common reasons for divorce. If the reasons for his getting into this situation are understandable and good ones, then you may be interested in forging on with him. If they seem like red lights to you, then this may be a good time to put the brakes on the marriage.

What sustains a marriage is compatibility, mutual respect, and shared goals. Love is important, but it doesn’t keep a marriage from breaking. The other three items do.

If you are going into a marriage thinking, as you put it, that you “have to make things work” because of this gap between what you think is a good place to start a marriage financially, and what he thinks is a good enough place to start a marriage financially, you’re going to have a rocky road at best, and a divorce at worst.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Geez. That was ridiculously long — because this is not complex. It’s simple.

Your girlfriend isn’t interested in you any more, and you are working overtime to stay engaged with her by using positive and negative energy and dynamics interchangeably. Your living situation, where you’re sharing an apartment until your lease is up in 7 months from now, is a bad situation for your peace and happiness. I would advise you to get out of that situation ASAP, even if you have to lose money, or sleep on someone’s floor in a sleeping bag while keeping up your half of the rent in the apartment.

In answer to your questions at the bottom of your post….

1. Your girlfriend didn’t make bad decisions [i]because[/i] she was 22 years old. So, no, dating young people does not necessarily lead to their making bad decisions because they are young. There’s also not a huge difference between her 22 and your 30.

2. Your cat? 🙄 Who cares about your cat?? This cat has nothing to do with anything. You’re using it as an excuse to stay engaged with your ex-girlfriend with whom you’re still sharing an apartment. Forget the cat. And don’t claim your 9/10ths of the law is possession, since you seem to ignore the law when you’re not supposed to drive without a license but do, anyway. Don’t charge her fees for the cat. Let go.

3. It is absolutely okay for you to move on, but I suspect you already know that. I think you don’t want to move on, and until you do, you’re going to stay engaged. I hope for your own health and happiness that you do decide to let go and move on. It’s a better idea than what you’ve described below.

I hope that helps. Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how you see her teasing you about your sexual fetish as “catering to your weakness”, as you propose. ❓ That doesn’t make sense to me, since you’re not having sex with her. It doesn’t sound like she’s doing any catering at all! Also, I don’t think she’s trying to torment you because it seems that she’s a good friend, and any good friend would never want to torment you. I do think something else is going on here.

I think she doesn’t realize how upset her teasing makes you, and the depth of your discomfort with her bringing up your fetish in this teasing way.

I suggest that the same way you once told her about your fetish, you tell her that her teasing upsets you, and that while you’ve trusted her with your innermost feelings, when she teases you, it hurts. That should be enough to get her to stop teasing you, which is what I assume you want.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me see if this helps:

First of all, you don’t know if and what he’s [i]thinking [/i]about you. All you’re doing is counting the number of times your software tells you he’s hitting your website. For all you know this could be a new girlfriend of his that he’s told about you, and she’s interested in seeing more about you. Or maybe he clicks on your website and reminds himself how glad he is to have moved on in his own life. Or maybe you’re right, and he’s still thinking about you, but isn’t interested in connecting with you. The reality is you don’t know. All you do know is that you have information that his computer seems to be checking your website. That’s it. You don’t have calls from him. You don’t have letters from him. You don’t have anything where he has proactively attempted to make positive contact with you. So if you’re going to put your life on hold because of this obscure fraction of a clue that he might be interested in you, still, you’re going to waste a lot of your time.

But what is of more concern is this addictive behavior that doesn’t just rear it’s head in substance abuse. Someone who has addictive tendencies will do what you’re doing — check to see if your ex-boyfriend clicked on your website — FIVE TIMES IN TWO HOURS! 😕

Meetings for addiction and substance abuse are usually free. You can start going to meetings for AA or just about any other such group by doing some research and finding that group in your area. If you do have an addictive personality you can learn more about yourself, and how to live a happier life with more peace in it. People with addictive personalities don’t just get sober or quit drugs. They transfer that behavior and sometimes compulsion, to other things — like shopping, cleaning, exercising or other activities. Stalking your ex isn’t a productive use of this personality type because it’s not making you feel good. 🙁

Look, it’s hard to break up with people, especially when you feel you’ve made mistakes, or wish you had done things otherwise, but until you decide to move on and choose a happy, healthy life, you’re going to continue to find ways fantasize a relationship with your ex and distract yourself from real life.

I hope that helps at least a little. I’m rooting for you — but you have to start rooting for yourself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Lonely Girl:

I’ve re-posted your original post. I know you don’t think you have an alcohol problem, as I’d suggested last month, but if you re-read your post, I think you’ll possibly see that at least when you were with your ex-boyfriend, you were definitely drinking too much, and it appeared that the alcohol consumption was affecting your behavior. So I stand by my advice to get help with that problem.

However, in response to your current questions, asking if I think your ex-boyfriend is just being reminiscent or being obsessed, I’m not sure why you’re asking those questions. Why do you care?

In your post below, from a month ago, you talk about your “psycho-stalker cycle you [b]both[/b] have going on” and I think it’s still happening. He’s checking your websites, and you’re checking his traffic on your websites. While you can’t control his behavior, you can control your own.

I’d advise you to stop spending energy wondering if he’s reminiscing, obsessing or eating chocolate cake for dinner! 😉 Focus on yourself, not him. He’s your ex, and while it’s often hard to let go, it’s really in your best interest to move on, and take care of yourself, so that your next relationship is one that is healthy and happy, not riddled with psycho-stalking and drunken rants.

I hope that helps. I wish you luck, and am here for you if you need me. 🙂

[i]Does he still care or is he just nosey?
by LonelyGirl on Thu Oct 08, 2009 7:45 pm

I bet people start all of these out thinking they can wrap it up fairly quick.

At the beginning of the year, I split up with my ex-BF Dave of six months. lot of strain was put on our relationship right up front, because I moved in his house, as his roommate. We didn’t last as roommates.. obviously.

We broke up when he found me passed out on my desk, and read the messages on my computer. He found that I was talking to my last ex-BF online (he hates), and refused to get over what I had said to the guy online and in texts, in my drunken stupor. The things I said would definitely hurt someone, but Dave he refused to believe that it was just my belligerence talking.

I viewed it like, how many drunken people make asses of themselves everyday, and why when I do it, I’m taken seriously, and my feelings are completely valid?

He dropped the ‘L bomb’ only two weeks after I moved in, one month after re-contact (went to school together). I was head over heels already, and it went from there.I never cheated on him, never stayed out late, and we spent too much time together. We both drank. Too much. That’s all there’s to be said. I’ wish I’d have tried to quit while I was with him, but at least I have quit now, and it’s been a very strong 4 months.

I pleaded with him for two weeks to forgive me, and try his hardest to just see past this. We had such a unique situation I could go all into detail about but it won’t add to anything. No dice; I boarded a plane and moved.

We kept in touch, but very minimally, for about a week after I moved, then I drank too much and there went my mouth again. Because he wouldn’t forgive and forget what I’d done, I went off on him, told him he just wanted to finally score with me and then move on (couldn’t in school). It was wrong, but I was so torn up, I had spent days and nights crying and moping, because I had hurt my own pride with what I’d done, and because I just wanted to rewind time and I couldn’t. I was just doing my mistakes all over. He refused to talk to me after that.

When I left, he told me he would miss me, and he also made it very clear he was extremely physically attracted to me. We haven’t talked since he stopped responding to my calls, about 6 months ago. I’d sent an email to him about 3 months ago, regarding the apartment lease we were both on to which he responded cordially.

I use social networking sites like twitter and I found out recently he has been keeping himself posted. I know because I have a link to my daily web blog which has a visitor status counter, and I am tech savvy enough to know that it is him. He checked my site 3 times yesterday.

What is his problem? I picked up my life and moved on, and the wounds started to heal, but it feels like they’re opening. I keep crying when I hear our songs. I would like for him to believe me when I said I made mistakes. I can get over him, but only if I believe that’s really what he wants. I know the only person I should be asking is him, but his pride wouldn’t ever let him just tell me he would rather be with me than not.

Or maybe he just would rather not. I don’t know, but I’d like to know if you have any perspective I can gain on this psycho-stalker cycle we both have going. It’s sad to know you think about someone SO much and they are sitting across the country doing the same thing. I wish I’d not have gotten on a plane and just moved out of our apartment.

I don’t want to talk to him, because I went back to the guy that he saved me from. It’s a huge weakness, but I have grown up a LOT this past year and I can tell I am wasting my time and now I’m ashamed to admit it. That last post regarding five years and no ring was my other ex’s story sans the abuse.

What should I do?

Please help,
LonelyGirl

[/i]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yikes! Stop chasing him!! 😕 You’re not giving this crush any reason to be the guy in a relationship with you when you take the male role — and take it away from him. He doesn’t want to be the girl, and frankly, from the sound of it, he’s turned off.

When you start asking him out, texting him over and over, and pushing for him to meet your schedule, you’re not looking like a winner in the dating game. You’re looking desperate.

It’s been 4 days since you met him, and you’ve really pushed him away. My advice is to stop, immediately, texting him, contacting him and thinking about him. He has your number. If he wants to date you, he’ll contact you. But for now, I think you’ve blown it.

Next time you meet someone you like, flirt away, but make sure that you give the guy something to chase (not someone who’s throwing herself at him), because that’s what guys like. They want to feel like the man, and they want to feel that the woman they’re chasing is a prize to be won — not a booby prize to be picked up at the door on the way out. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t all that complicated! 🙂

It sounds like you jumped the gun and got swept up in a fantasy relationship that promised more than it delivered. While you seem to blame, or put responsibility on your ex-boyfriend for being the one that jumped the gun, the reality is that this post is about you, and my response is about you, and I can tell you quite frankly, that regardless of what James did, [i]you[/i] definitely jumped the gun.

When couples decide to be in a relationship before they actually date, it’s the kiss of death. It’s almost like they’re trying to take out an insurance policy on broken hearts. Then they start dating as if they’re in a relationship that’s much further along than it really is, or possibly could be. It’s not natural that the first week you’re dating you think you’re “in a relationship.” You’re not. You’re just dating. 😐

Normally, you would have had one date in a week, and you and James would both be deciding after that date if you wanted to go on another date together. When you both decided that making out during the week was moving too fast for you, you were only partly right. His telling everyone you were in a relationship together, and you buying into it, was your bigger mistake.

Right now you shouldn’t be feeling like you were “dumped” — I’d really call it a couple of dates that just didn’t lead to a future together. And in fact, if you’d only been on 4 dates with James, over the course of 4-8 weeks, you wouldn’t be so convinced that you’re being punished by god! In fact, you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing — dating, figuring out by dating who is right for you and who isn’t, and analyzing what you’ve been through to move yourself along in your process of finding Mr. Right.

What I think you may have learned from this experience is just because a man says he will never abandon you is just talk. In fact, anything a man says is just talk — it’s his walk that counts! So listen to smooth talk with a grain of salt and be the mature woman who understands that sometimes people say things, but that doesn’t mean you have to buy into them or even believe them before you’ve processed the relationship yourself.

So pick yourself up, understand that this was just a possible boyfriend that didn’t work out, and move on to the next dating experience. You may want to check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who want to find Mr. Right — get him, and keep him. You can download it here for $15.95. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] I think this book will help you understand the ins and outs of dating, and give you some more specific advice to help you through the process so you don’t get distraught, and so that you do choose better next time.

I hope this helps — good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like your problem isn’t really with this boyfriend — it’s with you and in your head. If your past has scarred you so deeply that you can’t have a normal romantic relationship without contemplating yourself getting hurt, and this fear is keeping you in a state of stress, then the work you have to do is with yourself.

Maybe you can try looking at things differently than through those dark gloomy glasses you have on. In spite of all the pain you’ve endured — you’re still here! And you still manage to find boyfriends! So there is much about you that is lovable and strong.

One thing is constant in life, and that is that you will get disappointed, rejected and hurt. Probably more than once or twice. And that is a constant for everyone. How we all recover and heal makes us all unique! 🙂

The other thing to remember is that you are not a victim. You don’t have to be in a relationship if it is too painful for you. As long as you don’t have children, you can always just pick up and leave, take a break, or live your life single. So, remember: You’re not trapped. The flip side of that thought is that any relationship you choose to be in is just that — a choice. Your choice! So choose wisely, and when things aren’t healthy, walk!

Maybe looking at things from a different perspective will take away some of the fear of pain from a broken heart you have. Living like that must be a real burden, and a real gloomy way. Let it go, and remember the good that is in your life, and the choices you have.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Jenny!

First of all, one of my rules of getting a guy is to never, [i]ever[/i] chase him in any way. So I’d advise you to stop doing that right away. You can really tell if a guy likes you by the amount of chasing after [i]you[/i] they do. When you start telling them that you want him to hold your hand, you’re the one doing the chasing! 😕 Men like to feel like they’re the man in the relationship and that they’re making the moves. When you take that opportunity away from them, then you don’t give them a prize (you!) to chase after. So stop chasing him, and making it too easy for him, first of all.

Second, listen to him, and don’t bend his words. If you do, you’ll see clearly what’s going on. He’s told you he’s dating someone else. He’ll call you when he’s ready. He’ll ask you on a date when he’s ready. He’ll hold your hand and kiss you if and when he’s ready. That’s how you’ll know if he likes you, and how much he likes you.

Third, by dissecting and super-analyzing every text and IM he sends you, you’re looking for clues that there’s something more going on than the human eye can see. Relax, Sherlock Holmes. There are no clues. 😉 He’s being straight up with you. He likes you enough to flirt and date casually, but he’s got someone else he’s also dating, and is committed to. Don’t push. What’s going on is crystal clear.

So, I hope I’ve answered your question, and you now know how to handle this situation — by hanging back, and letting him make all the moves, but by also understanding that he’s playing the field.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since your girlfriend feels that your mother is competing with her for you, you can tell her that the best way to win that kind of competition is not to compete. 😉 If your girlfriend considers herself above competing with your mother for your attention, she will have won hands down. In addition, it would be wonderful if she could allow for your mother’s insecurity that fuels her need to compete with your girlfriend for you, to be [i]quirky and eccentric[/i] rather than threatening and insulting.

If you speak to your mother and ask her to stop her behavior, your girlfriend will have lost, and you will have created a bigger issue than what now exists, so don’t do that. The best behavior for you to employ is to ignore it, too. In fact, next time your mother gushes about you in front of your girlfriend, you can diffuse the situation by kissing your mom on the top of the head, and then grabbing your girlfriend around the waist and kissing her on the lips, and telling them both how lucky you are to have 2 such wonderful women in your life, and that you’re clearly spoiled with love.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go.

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