[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you really wanted a genuine relationship, you wouldn’t have chosen someone who lives in another country to fall in love with. You knew the odds of your seeing each other on any regular basis were stacked against you, so let’s figure out what’s really going on here, because I don’t think it’s this girl.

I think you have other problems in your life that you only allude to in your post — that everyone in your life has abandoned you and that you have no plans or that they haven’t worked out. My guess is that you chose this girl because she was a good distraction from your real problems which have to do with your own life.

My advice to you is to be realistic that this girlfriend in another country, whom you’ve only ever spent 2 weeks together with, is not going to work out, and that you’re using the time you spend worrying about her and her feelings and your feelings about her and this sham relationship to avoid the real problems in your life.

Buckle down, and figure out what’s REALLY wrong, and address that. This relationship isn’t a real one. Sorry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This guy is a major creep. 🙄 Remember that you really don’t know much about him, and just because he’s big and handsome and women throw themselves at him, doesn’t mean he isn’t wacko, too. Sometimes even handsome guys are wacky. 😕

You should report what you suspect happened to the gym management — write a letter to the management so that they have a record of it that doesn’t get misinterpreted a la whisper down the lane, and just tell it as you perceived it. I’m sure that the last thing the gym management wants is some employee peeping tom on their hands. And it’s certainly not welcome by the clientele.

If you don’t feel safe at your gym, join another one.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend may not have been like this before — but he sure is now! It’s fine to long for the days of the past, but you’d do much better to focus on the present and the future.

Your boyfriend isn’t doing anything to change his behavior, and there’s no way the two of you should be living with your mother if you’re not married. Your mother has every right to nag because it’s her house, and I take it you and your boyfriend aren’t paying her rent.

My suggestion is to lose the boyfriend (How can you love someone who ignores you, ignores your wishes, and lives with your mother without paying her rent??) and look for someone better. He’s not acting like Mr. Right, and you deserve more. Don’t make his problem with his video games and antisocial behavior your problems. Let them be his — and his alone.

Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since it sounds like you’ve tried telling him how you feel, but he doesn’t get it, you have to throw subtlety to the wind and see if that works. (It would help for me to know how long you’ve been dating, but I’m going to assume it’s relatively long term.)

Say to him: “Tell me I’m better than all your female friends!” And when he does, reward him with some affection. Then say to him, “Now, tell me how much sexier I am than any other female you know.” And let it be playful — but give him the words to say. He won’t forget them. I promise. When he hears exactly what you want him to say, and doesn’t feel like you’re criticizing him, he may react more positively.

You can also say, “Okay, your turn. What do you want me to say?” And listen to what he wants. You may be surprised!

Let me know if this helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not surprising that you’re a go getter in the rest of your life, but when it comes to relationships, you’re uncertain. This happens more often than not!

My advice to you is NOT to have “a talk” about “the relationship” with him. This is the kiss of death, and it doesn’t really get you what you want — physical intimacy and sex — it gets you….MORE TALK!! 😕 So my advice is less talk, and more change in behavior.

This guy really likes you, and has been dating you without making a move. The reason he hasn’t made a move yet may be his own reticence and anxiety — or more likely, his hesitance to scare you off, after your not having dated in 9 years, or his just not wanting to come on too strong, and not realizing you’re actually more than ready for him to make the first move.

What you need to do is set the stage for him to make a move, and for him to see you as more than someone he’s interested in and is dating, but hasn’t really made a move on yet. You want him to see you as someone who’s really hot, and who he wants, desperately, and doesn’t want to let get away. 😎 You’ve probably been out of the dating game for a while, so you need a little refresher on enticing a man. Your longer hugs, snuggling up in the movies, and holding each other’s gazes are all good. Now, you need to take it a step further. My advice is some really sexy lingerie that makes you feel sexier than you have been feeling, whether or not he sees it! Some fabulous heels, some sexier clothes, and a new fragrance. While this will surely turn him on, it will also make you feel sexier, and project that sexiness in ways you haven’t already.

You can also turn up the heat on your activities together. After a long hike, you can offer for him to use your shower, and then give him a massage. Or accept one from him! Candlelight and red wine or champagne at dinner can turn a meal together into a sexy evening together.

If any of this resonates for you, I have two books that will help you expand on these ideas: The first is called Romantic Date Ideas for couples who want to turn up the heat in their relationships. You can get it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], and the second book is called Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who want to find Mr. Right and get him. This book is a great jump start on your dating life. This book you can order online also, here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

One of the first rules of dating is to pick someone who’s available! 😕 The woman you’re interested in has a boyfriend — regardless of the fact that you’re friends with her boyfriend. While I realize that you’ve decided you want her, and are willing to risk the friendship you have with her boyfriend in order to forge a relationship with her, the part you can’t control is [i]her[/i] behavior. If she doesn’t want to date you because she’s committed to her boyfriend, you’re going to be out of luck. Her decision to break up with him or stay with him is going to be the determining factor in whether or not you get to date her.

No matter how wonderful you are, if she’s not interested in dating you, the best you can do is to continue to balance showing her what a great guy you are, how interested in her you are, and how great your life is even if she’s not in it. While that may seem easy, it’s not! It’s a big, fat balancing act, and while you say you’re not very aggressive 🙄 I don’t buy that at all! You’ve already asked her to “hang out” with you alone, and she said no because it was too much like a date, so I’d advise you to back off and not ask her out on a date again.

The other part of this equation is that you may not get her — because she’s taken. So, be your best self, hang back more than you have been so that she can see that you’re a prize, but that you’re not going to continue to chase her if she won’t give you something to chase, and that you have a life of your own.

The rest is up to her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think it’s time for you to move on because your girlfriend is interested in men, and there is no way, as a woman, that you can satisfy that need. This is aside from the fact that she cheated on you. If you accept her apology and expect her to remain monogamous, you’re fooling yourself. If she’s going to want men in addition to women, you’re only ever going to be able to satisfy half of her needs — through no fault of your own. So accept reality, and know that your girlfriend isn’t right for you.

You may think you’re in love with her, but she’s just disrespected you and hurt you a lot. That’s not how a lover or a friend acts. Understand that just because you love her, doesn’t mean she’s a compatible lover or girlfriend, and you can do a lot better by finding someone who is respectful, monogamous, and as into you as you are into her.

I hope that helps.

Good luck, and let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, if you’ve tried the things I’ve already advised, and they’re not working, you need to understand that not everybody in life is going to want you. Your ex-boyfriend is one of those guys who didn’t want you, and that is normal. People fall in love and get their hearts broken all the time because one person wants a person more than that person wants them. You are not alone in that rejection. But what is important is that you move on and live a healthy life.

While it’s fine to entertain a fantasy of him wanting you back, and maybe one day realizing what a mistake he made in rejecting you, it’s not normal to spend 2 years obsessed with wanting your ex-boyfriend to want you again — especially when it’s interfering with your relationship with a new boyfriend. If your feelings about your ex-boyfriend are interfering with your everyday life, you have a real problem that is not normal.

Again, my advice is to do things you haven’t already done to distract yourself from this fantasy you have of your ex-boyfriend wanting you back again, and in addition, understanding and mustering your wells of maturity to know that rejection is part of dating, and you can’t always have everything you want.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If the only problem you have with what you saw is that you want in on a menage a trois with your husband and his good friend, then I’ll ignore the fact that your marriage is in trouble because you are not enough for your husband — he wants sex outside of the marriage, and he’s got an interest in men, which you will never be able to satisfy because you’re a woman, I’ll (try to) address your question as you posed it. 🙄

Since you’ve already confronted your husband about his performing oral sex on his friend, Marc, and you told him that you want in on the action, his answer was pretty clear. He gave you a thumbs down. It’s not happening. Not only is he not interested in letting you in on his sex on the side, but he doesn’t want to talk about it with you, [i]and[/i], what is of most concern, is that he is blaming his sexual behavior with another man on having drunk too much wine, rather than admitting he enjoyed himself when he was having sex with his friend.

So, no, you’re out of luck in this instance. There is no conflict here for you. Just rejection.

Sorry. I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your feelings of loss and sadness can be normal, depending on how long you were with your ex, and where you are in your life now. If you haven’t moved on in your own life, it’s understandable that you’re looking backwards at what you’ve lost, not what you’ve got, or what you have to look forward to.

My advice to combat these feelings you’re having is to start taking care of yourself in ways you haven’t before. Some of this work is going to sound really simple, starting with getting enough sleep. Then when you’re awake, make sure you eat well and exercise. Endorphins released in your body during exercise naturally combat depression. Grooming really makes a difference in how you feel, and if you get good haircuts, make regular salon appointments, have your nails done, and if it’s in your budget schedule massages and facials, you’re going to feel a lot better than you do now. Giving yourself a makeover, by tossing out clothes you don’t wear, and replacing them with new, flattering pieces will give you a feeling of control over your own life. You’ll also feel like you’re making space in your life for someone new when you’re not sitting in a rut.

Then you can start dialing up your social life by volunteering, getting involved in charities, political events or other clubs and hobbies you’ve always wanted to check out, but didn’t. Change up your daily routine. If you walk your dog in a certain area, start a new walk routine. If you always frequent a certain coffee shop or lunch spot, switch that up, too.

Start smiling at people. And when they smile back, notice how you feel. Pretty soon, you’ll find yourself flirting with cute guys, and noticing how attracted you are to men who aren’t your ex.

You can always hold a place in your heart for an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband, but don’t live in that place. Open your self and your heart to everything else life has to offer you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

“I can’t imagine finding anyone as wonderful as he is to me, aside from this other stuff.”

😯

The other stuff is his [i]cheating on you.[/i] 😕 Are you kidding? Is this guy just part time wonderful, and part time, cad? You need some smelling salts to knock you out of your stupor. You have children and that means you have to be really careful about who you bring into their lives. They don’t have choices, and you do, and the last thing you should want to do is to bring someone into their lives who is going to hurt them (by hurting you) in any way — even if it means he’s going to eventually leave you (and them). You also need to find a man who is a good role model for your children because if you marry him, he’s going to be their stepfather. So this isn’t just about you. It’s about them. Why on earth would you settle for someone who lies and cheats as their stepdad? 🙁

So, sorry, but I think that after 6 months, and his professing his love for you, finding secret, sexy text messages to other women, and his answers to Craigslist ads for relationships with other women, this guy is one big con artist. 😮

Wake up and smell the coffee. A good man doesn’t treat you this way. You need to let him go because he’s never going to be completely faithful to you. If in the first 6 months of a relationship he’s doing this, imagine his behavior after 6 years together when things get boring sometimes, at best, and difficult, as they often do, at worst.

You need Mr. Right. Not Mr. Sexy Text.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really glad that my advice helped. 🙂

As for your new information, I’d remind you to remember how good it feels for you to be the man in the relationship, as you wrote below. When you text her every ten minutes and basically suffocate her with attention, and your neurotic need to control things and make sure she’s still there and still loving you, you’re acting more like a child with a separation issue than a man. But when you cooled your need to know where she is and what she’s doing at every minute of the day, the result was that she missed you and she told you so. Magic, right? Not really. Just behavior modification. So keep doing what you’re doing by tempering your actions. Just because you have a feeling doesn’t mean you have to act on it, so if you miss her, it doesn’t mean you have to call her or text her. Wait.

As for her moods and her menstrual cycle, it might be a good idea for you to keep your own secret calendar of when she’s menstruating and when she isn’t. That way you have a head’s up on her mood cycle. If you’re diligent about keeping the calendar, you’ll even start to notice at what time of the month she’s weepy, angry, and sexually inclined. And you can temper your own appearances and behavior, to meet what she can’t control!

See if it works, and good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right. This is a tough situation because you’re taking the moral high road, and he doesn’t have the strength to do the same thing. In addition to which, this isn’t your battle to wage. It’s his. So, while you want him to do the right thing by his son, and get visitation rights and to pay child support, you can’t make him. The only thing anyone can do, is the mother of his child can order a paternity test, and she can get an order for him to pay child support, but she can’t make him see the child.

There is a strong chance that this child will grow up, learn about his real father, and feel angry and abandoned by his dad. If that’s the case, the child will have every right to be angry, and this will probably scar the kid for life. To know your parent doesn’t want to see you is damaging. This isn’t going to make your fiance feel any better about his decision not to get involved in his son’s life — it’s going to make him feel worse.

But, again, there is nothing you can make him do. This isn’t about you — except to the extent it shows you your fiance’s character, and if you don’t like what you see, now is the time to make a break for it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She may be caring, honest, loving, and compassionate, but she’s not into the relationship with you, so those qualities don’t carry any weight. The first thing that makes a woman a good girlfriend, partner or wife, is compatibility, and one of the most important facets of compatibility is availability. If a woman isn’t available to you, she’s not compatible and therefore, is not a good match for you. Sorry. I know it’s not what you wanted to hear, but you can’t live your life based on what you would like to happen. You have to live your life based on real behavior, and your girlfriend, told you she wanted a break from the relationship and she’s acting like it, too. Believe her.

It’s normal to be sad when you get rejected, but it’s destructive to try and bend the truth so you don’t feel so badly — which is what you’re trying to do. You’re looking for all the reasons her behavior shouldn’t make sense. But the reality is, it does make sense.

Try not to see rejection as a bad thing. The truth is it’s a gift because she had enough respect for herself and for you, not to waste either of your time, knowing she’s not interested in you any more. This sets you free to spend your time looking for Ms. Right.

So feel badly about the rejection, but don’t turn it into a full blown pity party. You dated her for 2 months, things didn’t work out, and now you need to move on and find someone who is not just compassionate, caring, truthful and all those other wonderful things you’re looking for in a woman, but available and interested.

Good luck, and let me know how things work out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend definitely likes you, but she has a boyfriend, which is why she didn’t accept your date for coffee. It’s that simple. I know you’re looking for some hidden meaning because she flirts with you, but the bottom line of any relationship is behavior, and when she turned you down for a coffee date, albeit nicely and with charm, that was your cue to look elsewhere for a date.

If you want to cover all your bases, next time you’re flirting with her, you can mention to her, “You let me know next time you don’t have a boyfriend, ‘kay?” And just leave it at that. So, if she really is interested in you, and becomes single and interested, she has an in to cue you to her new social status.

But for now, remember that when Freud said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” April says, “Sometimes a flirt is just a flit.” The real measure of her interest is a yes or no answer to your asking her on a date.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Member]

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