[April Masini, your AskApril]

I appreciate how hard this break up will be for you, but keep those reality glasses on your nose because when you say, “in the good times, she’s everything I could ever ask for,” remember that life isn’t all good times. There are boring times, status quo times, and tough times. You need someone who you can appreciate in all those times — not just the good times. Her belittling you is just going to tear you down, personally, over the long haul, and then even you won’t be able to handle those tough times if your self esteem’s in the garbage bin. In fact, you two haven’t even hit any really tough times, and already, she’s harping on what a bad boyfriend you are. Blech. You don’t need that in your life. No one does. 😕

So try asking for something more than what you have now. Try asking for someone who actually thinks you’re a great boyfriend, and a great person, and will be a great husband. Expand your own view of yourself, and don’t settle for anyone who sees less of you than you see for yourself.

You’ll get over this. I promise. And if you’re interested in reading my book, Date Out of Your League, which I’ve written for men who want to find and get Ms. Right, you can pick it up here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] and I think it may help you change your thinking and your life in a positive way.

Good luck, and let me know how things go! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s time for you to move on. You should not propose marriage to someone you’ve been dating for three years who tells you you’re a bad boyfriend because pretty soon you’re going to be hearing how much you’re a bad husband. The arguing is, as you intuit, her way of trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. The amount of fighting and the things you’re fighting over really don’t make for a good future together. I’m very sure it’s time for you to start dating other women, and to end this relationship.

What is of concern is that you say you love her. How can you love someone who thinks you’re a bad boyfriend? Real love is the feeling that you’re a better person because of your partner. If you suffer from depression now, picture yourself after a decade of a relationship where someone chips away at your self esteem every day. You’re going to be a dribbling mess. You need to work on your own self esteem, and understand that anyone who doesn’t support your character and your true self, isn’t a true friend, a valuable romantic partner or a good spouse. They’re a deficit to you, and they will drag you down.

Think about how you want your own life to play out in the future, and who would be the most compatible woman to support that plan you have for your future. Then don’t waste time dating anyone who doesn’t fit that model you have for yourself and your future wife.

I hope that that helps. Good luck, and let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m afraid that it’s time for you to move on from this relationship.

But first, you need to see the reality of what’s going on. Obviously, this woman shouldn’t be in his life. But that’s not the problem. The problem is that you’re in denial about your boyfriend being the problem. 😕 It’s not really this other woman who’s the problem. It’s your boyfriend. He’s not treating you like the only woman in his life, and after seven years together, that shouldn’t be an issue — unless he’s not sure about his future with you, which he’s already admitted once. I don’t see any good coming of this situation if you stay in it. This woman is going to continue to chase your boyfriend as long as he not only allows it, but nurtures his relationship with her, which he’s clearly doing.

You can’t make him do things he doesn’t want to do, and since you’ve already expressed your feelings to him, and he’s basically ignored them with his actions, you need to accept reality. Your boyfriend isn’t being a good boyfriend, and your life is not a peaceful one because there’s another woman in your relationship. Whether or not he’s sleeping with this other woman, he’s cheating on you emotionally and socially. It’s time for you walk.

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but I think you really need to hear it loud and clear. You need a better boyfriend who respects you and wants your relationship together to come first and foremost. You want someone who you can know will will align with you, loyally, against any outside threat to your relationship. You don’t have that with this guy.

Mr. Right is out there. He’s just not in your own home.

Good luck. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re right, that she’s just keeping you around in case this new guy doesn’t work out, why is that something you’d want? Don’t you want to be the number one guy in a woman’s life? Instead, she’s got you playing back up guy, while she dates around to see if she can find someone better than you. There’s nothing good for you in a relationship with this woman.

You may want to get her to come “crawling back” to you, but that’s a fantasy. Let’s stick to reality. It’s a much safer place to live! 😉

You need to focus on yourself, and see yourself as deserving of true love, respect and romance. Once you genuinely see yourself as worthy, you’re going to attract a woman who’s also deserving of true love, respect and romance — and you’ll both be willing to give as good as you get.

Forget this ex-girlfriend. She’s moved on, and she’s manipulating you into sitting on the bench in case she decides to put you into play. That’s a demeaning place for any guy (or girl) to be.

Move on and start dating other women. You’ll find someone wonderful out there as soon as you let your ex go and make space in your life for Ms. Right. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you do know what to do, but it’s not what you want to do. 🙁

Your boyfriend and the father of your child together has been cheating on you, probably the whole time he’s been with you, and he’s still doing it. He doesn’t want to be monogamous to you, and he’s not going to be. Your friend that he’s flirting with (at least) and possibly sleeping with (at most), is not your friend. Friends do not treat friends the way she’s treating you. 😕

So, my advice to you is to end your relationship with this guy. He’s going to bring you nothing but heartache, and as your child gets older, your boyfriend is going to be a very bad role model for your son together.

Go to court and get a child support order, so that he will be ordered to support his son, and start your life as a single mother. Now. While it may seem heartbreakingly hard, it will be much easier than what you will endure if you stay with this guy who has no respect for you.

I’m sorry that this isn’t what you want to hear, but your girlfriend is the least of your worries. Your boyfriend is the problem.

Good luck. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In general, it’s a great idea to stay away from complimenting a woman’s body until you know her better — for exactly this reason! Sometimes women are funny about their bodies, and have issues about weight, big breasts, small breasts, a big bottom, small bottom, big nose, small nose, height, shoe size, etc., that you couldn’t possibly know about on a first meeting. Some beautiful women feel objectified if you start commenting on their bodies before you get to know them. It’s not right or wrong — it’s just the way the playing field is laid.

Next time, you can show her you like her with your actions, by being attentive and having great manners, and by the glint in your eye and the smile you give her. But nothing says you like her, like asking her out for a special date.

As for your friend, slapping you for your comment was inappropriate. She could just as easily have turned and walked away.

But, the good news is that you both had the tools and maturity to work past a temporary bump in the road.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The answer to your question at the end of your post, (What should I do?) is to move on. This woman is not Ms. Right for you.

What is important for you to realize is that never really allowed yourself to see the truth in what was happening with her. Probably because you didn’t want to. But if you look at what’s really happened, you won’t be confused. Here’s the truth:

1. She didn’t hide her conversations with you from her boyfriend “because he was controlling”. She hid them from him because she was manipulating her relationship with him, and her relationship with you. This woman was playing both of you. Call it what you want, that’s the reality. She wanted both of you, and he was too strong too allow himself to be shared. You weren’t. So she lied to him because he wouldn’t tolerate the truth. 🙁

2. Even though she didn’t sleep with you, she was cheating on her boyfriend with you. Again, this isn’t a woman who values loyalty (to either of you!). If he knew she was cheating, he’d leave her because he felt he deserved a woman’s full devotion. You didn’t, and allowed yourself to be Man Number 2.

3. When she said she would never break up with her boyfriend unless he broke up with her first, you should have seen that as a rejection. You weren’t important enough to her to break up with him for.

4. When her boyfriend found out about you and asked her to choose between him or you, you said “being the person she is” she chose him. You mean, being the cheater she is, she chose him? Or do you mean, being the person who didn’t really care about you as much as him, she chose him? Basically, that was your cue to exit. Why stay with someone who doesn’t want to be with you?

5. It’s not surprising that she became jealous of your attention to her cousin. She is a woman who likes to control relationships. When you started having an independent one without her, she finally broke up with her boyfriend so she could control you better. I’m sure you didn’t see it that way at the time, but that’s what happened.

6. What on earth do you mean when you say that after she left her boyfriend for you, you and she started “playing the boyfriend/girlfriend role”?? Either you were boyfriend and girlfriend or you weren’t. What makes you think you were [i]playing a role[/i] rather than actually dating her?? 😕

7. After 2 weeks of that, you asked her if she was ready for a relationship. Huh?? You say that you were dating her, “calling her every night, and making out, but not having a relationship.” That [i]is[/i] a relationship! Why would you ask her if she was ready for a relationship when you were already having one? Were you subconsciously inviting her to say no? Because if you were already dating her, then, why ask about what’s already happening? Unless, of course you’re wanting to self-sabotage. 🙁

8. Then after dating you for 2 weeks, and breaking up with her boyfriend for you, she says she doesn’t want a relationship with you. Wow. 😯 This woman’s a doozy. But that’s less important than the fact that this was yet another cue she was rejecting you and you should move on. But again, you stayed.

9. Last week, she told you you were free to do what you want. That means she is going to be free to do what she wants. She’s telling you that you’re free because it’s more manipulative than telling you the truth — that she wants to be free.

10. That you’ve started arguing is her way of pushing you out of her life, since you haven’t taken any of the other cues she’s offered, and she’s not an honest person, this is the best she can do: start fights with you. That she tells you that she’s thinking of her ex whenever she finds fault with you, is more fuel to the fire to push you away. It’s meant to insult you and make you leave.

11. Since she’s told you she isn’t sure what she wants to do, but contacts you twice a day, understand that she still wants to control you. And so far, she’s been very successful. 😳

If after reading my interpretations of the behavior the two of you have undergone, you still think you’re in love with her, I’d suggest your self esteem is in trouble because you keep wanting a woman who doesn’t want you to be the only man in her life, or that you don’t know what love is supposed to look like (because this isn’t it).

Long story short, you should move on. Ms. Right is out there for you — but your ex-girlfriend is not the one. I hope this wasn’t too harsh for you to take, but you need a big does of honesty in your life, and I’m happy to be the one to give it to you. I hope it helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t always get what you want. 😥

If your girlfriend told you she needed space, and after a week or so, still flirts with you, but is also dating other guys, you have the option of asking her out on a date, and trying to date her again, or doing what she’s doing by dating other women, and her (this might make her realize what she’s throwing away in you — or she may realize she doesn’t care if you’re dating other women), or you can decide that you only want to date women who think you’re the man who makes them feel that they want you and only you. Your choice!

Decide what you want, but understand that you can’t make her decide what she wants. That’s her decision and her prerogative.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It makes a lot of sense that you and your boyfriend are having trouble with your sex life because of your course work load at college. Physical exhaustion and mental stress not only impinge on your schedules, they can cut your sex drive, too. And while you may not be feeling a loss of that drive, it is understandable that he is.

Many couples get into fights over sex when one person in the relationship is sexually frustrated, but the fights can be alleviated and your sex life is not doomed! 🙂

What is required is a change in behavior. Here are some tips:

1. Don’t make him feel defensive or responsible for your sex life waning. Instead, be understanding of the tremendous stress he’s under. This change in your behavior will immediately reduce his stress which was compounded by his feeling like he’s failing you in bed.

2. Instead of “offering yourself” to him in the bedroom, switch things up, and offer yourself for his pleasure. Make the night all about him, and not yourself. Generosity goes a long way in the bedroom.

3. Don’t make your sex life about goals. Allow for sensuality alone, without anyone having to reach an orgasm. This will take the pressure off of him (and you).

4. Dial up your displays of affection for him out of the bedroom. Offer him neck rubs, back rubs, foot massages, that are all about his pleasure and relaxation.

5. Do things that make you more appealing and that are new and different (without pressuring him), for example, some new, hot lingerie, could be a real turn on for him. Sexy clothes instead of your usual college garb (whatever smells cleanest) may be a turn on for him. Try doing things to entice him and tease him, without pressuring him.

6. And lastly, make sure that both of you take time out of your college grind to have some fun that is stress-free. Go bowling. Go hiking. Go to the movies. These things take a couple of hours, and will get your heads out of stress land, and into fun. The more able he is to switch from homework to fun, the more likely he will be to employ that same switch from homework to sex.

I know it’s difficult, but if you can be patient with him, while at the same time, trying these techniques, you’re more likely to achieve success. This is actually a great opportunity for the two of you to master times of stress that affect your sex life, because if you stay together, there will be times like this throughout life in your relationship.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice to you is to stop seeing him by 75%. You’re spending (wasting) way too much time on a man who is not interested in you as his girlfriend. 🙁 If you allow yourself to fall in love with someone who doesn’t like you enough to take you on a date and kiss you at the end of it, and treat you as someone he wants to spend the rest of his life with, your self esteem needs a (giant) boost. 😮

All too often women find men who are [i]soooooo[/i] wonderful, and they are best friends (yeh, right 😕 ) with each other, and then they wonder why they’re still single after spending weekends, evenings and tons of text time, phone time and e-mail time with these guys. The answer is: Don’t waste your time (or his) with someone who isn’t Mr. Right if that is in fact what you’re looking for.

You’re attempt at adjusting your semantics when you tell him you you care, is almost laughable, as you think that that may actually make things better. Wake up! This guy would have asked you out, made a move or declared you his girlfriend if he had any interest (or ability) in having a romantic relationship with you.

Not only is it time for you to move on, and make yourself available to other men, it’s time for him to see he can’t continue to monopolize your time at this rate. So step up your own game, and step away from him.

You’d get a lot out of reading my book, Think & Date Like a Man, which you can order online by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link, above.

Good luck — and do let me know how it goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You were wrong when you wrote me “he is very honest when he speaks” because your latest ex-boyfriend was anything BUT honest. When he has to stop seeing you and can’t tell you why, you’re better off without him. Sorry, but you dodged a bullet by not being with a man this dishonest. My advice is to move on — quickly! 😕

As for your feelings of abandonment, since you broke up with your 4 year boyfriend for Mr. Dishonest, who now broke up with you, they are understandable. You’ve had back to back break ups in a less than a year’s worth of time.

What you need to do now is to heal your heart, and your self by focusing your attention on you and what you do have not on men you don’t have any more. I know this sounds inanely simple, but getting good sleep, eating well, exercising, and focusing on your job are all basic healing techniques. In your free time make sure you focus on your grooming. Get hair cuts, have your manicures and pedicures regularly. If it’s in your budget, get facials and massages. Make regular lunch, dinner and movie dates with your family and friends and people who are supportive of your having a healthy relationship in the future. Then start adding on new things — like volunteering for a new charity or political cause. Taking up a new sport or hobby. And when you’re starting to feel really good about yourself, which you will, start putting yourself out there to meet Mr. Right.

Neither one of your last 2 boyfriends were right for you. I’d suggest you read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which you can download for $15.95, here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It will help you figure out who Mr. Right is for you, and how you can get him.

I hope this helps. You will feel better soon. Let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m glad you’re going to buy and read my books. I’ll be interested in hearing how you found them, and what [i]advanced[/i] questions you bring me after reading my books. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your children are minors, I would encourage you to honor your marriage vows until the kids are on their own, specifically because it sounds like your husband is a good man, who hasn’t done anything wrong.

If, after the children leave home and are on their own and “of age”, then, the only person you would be betraying by leaving is your husband, but not your children.

That said, be careful what you wish for. If what you are truly missing is a sense of yourself and your independence, I would encourage you to try and find that within your marriage, because you say that your husband is a good man and a good husband. Maybe what will really make you feel better is a job, or a new job, or a career shift. Maybe going back to school to get a degree, or an advanced degree, will open up new worlds for you, without your needing to leave the marriage. Sometimes traveling can make you feel renewed, whether it’s with your husband, with a girlfriend or relative, or with a career or academic group. Maybe what you need to do is spice up the sex life you already have with your husband, and feel a sense of sexual renewal and fulfillment that you haven’t had up until now.

The reason I suggest all of the above, is that you may throw away a good man, only to find him heartbroken, at first, but scooped up by another woman who realizes his value. You may not find fulfillment outside of your marriage, and you will have left yourself worse off than where you were before. While the grass is apt to look greener when it’s on someone else’s lawn, divorce has many downsides. If your husband re-marries, and your kids come home (from college, or their own marriages) to have Thanksgiving with him, and you’re on your own, how will you feel? Are you willing to have a stepmother sharing the wedding aisle walk for your kids, and being the grandmother to your kids’ children? Really think this through before you act.

My advice to you is to consider my suggestions above, about changing your own life, but staying in the marriage, because whether or not you married young or old, you did marry, and the man you married is good. And that’s not just lucky, but good choosing on your part, and something that shouldn’t be easily tossed out, but instead, should be nurtured when times are slow, uninspiring, or even down in the dumps.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Next time you find yourself thinking that a girlfriend is cheating on you, rather than just jump to a breakup, the step you missed was asking her about her contact with the other guy, expressing your feelings about her contact with the other guy, and allowing her to make any adjustments in her contact with the other guy considering your expressed feelings.

I’m not sure how old the two of you are, but if you’re “of marrying age,” and this is on both of your minds — or even just her mind, she may have considered herself still single in spite of your dating for a year and living together for 6 months, because there was no ring on her finger and no wedding date set. And frankly, she was right.

In answer to your questions, it sounds like your break up has stuck, since I assume she’s moved out (or you moved out), so you are officially broken up. I’m not sure why you’re asking me if you should give the relationship more time, because it appears that you already “parted ways”. You should assume she may be dating other people now. If you want to try and win her back, I think it’s not too late for you to try, but you have to get your compulsive behavior under control. Just because you have feelings doesn’t mean you need to act on them as if they are the most important thing in the relationship. Facts matter, communication matters, the truth matters, and her feelings matter — all just as much as your feelings. It really sounds like the blow up you had with your ex, that led to your parting ways, was entirely fueled by your need to vent and express your emotions, rather than getting to the bottom of what was going on with her, and what was missing in your relationship together that made her want to be with this other guy, even if they weren’t having sex.

As for you wanting my thoughts on the invitation you received from your ex-girlfriend to a group event she’s hosting, I wouldn’t read too much into it. While you talk about being best friends, you didn’t treat her like a best friend, and she didn’t treat you like a best friend. Not from where I sit. In addition to which, I doubt she’s looking for a best friend in you. What she’s looking for is a boyfriend who will become a fiance, and then a husband. And I suspect that you’re fooling yourself by calling her a best friend, when the truth is, if all she was was your best friend, there should have been no problem with her having other men in her life — like the guy you were jealous of. I’d encourage you to separate out your friends, best friends, and romantic relationships from each other. You’ll be a lot less confused (and confusing). If you want to go to the event she’s invited you to, you should, but don’t pretend it’s a date. In fact, be prepared for the other guy to be there, as well as other men who are interested in her, or whom she’s interested in, as well.

If you want to ask her out on a date, make that clear — for both of you!

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Did you try and compromise, as I suggested, below?

For instance, would you be willing to go with her on these visits? Maybe both of you can sleep in her ex’s bed — I’m sure that would level the playing field a lot! While it’s a very weird suggestion, it may give you the piece of mind that she’s not sleeping with her ex, and that the bed is just a piece of furniture, and your presence as her husband and her man, will be unquestioned.

Let me know if she agrees to that, because that’s my next suggestion.

[Member]

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