[April Masini, your AskApril]

There isn’t a rule about how much sex you should have before marriage in order to make a marriage work or to wreck it. I’m sure that if you were to conduct or read a study on this subject, there would be virgins who married and stayed married to death and people who slept with lots of other people prior to marriage who married and stayed married to death. So, it’s not really about the number of people you do or don’t sleep with before marrying that guarantees satisfaction.

The real question is about personal character. If your boyfriend is at peace with his life and his relationship with you, then that will weigh much more heavily on the success of your relationship than the number of people he has or hasn’t slept with. However, if he’s worried about missing out on sexual experiences with other women, and other relationships, then that’s definitely going to be a problem.

One of the keys to success in relationships is have what I like to call “matching luggage” with your partner, or similar emotional baggage. For instance, someone who’s married, had children, then divorced, and is now dating and looking for Mr. Right 2.0, may be more compatible with someone else who’s also divorced and a single parent because the understandings and expectations of what’s to come are often similar. The same is true with singles who have similar education, socio-economic goals or backgrounds, and social experiences.

But the crux of your question really lies within your boyfriend, not you, because even if you both “sincerely want the relationship to work” if he is unsettled, there will be a rocky road.

I hope this helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I was able to help! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re confusing dating etiquette (letting the guy chase the girl) with reading his actual interest in you. You are absolutely correct to not be forward when dating, and while if you like someone, you can and should flirt away to show him your feelings, you should never ask him out or chase him.

What’s happening here, is that this guy just isn’t that interested in you. He likes you, and he likes the time he does spend with you, but he’s not interested in pursuing you enough to make you his girlfriend. The signs are all there, I think you’re getting confused because the two of you do have a good time when you do get together, so you think that there’s more there than he thinks is there.

Basically this guy is not wanting to put a lot of time into his relationship with you, and that should be your sign to do the same. Don’t invest emotional or physical energy in someone who isn’t that interested in what you want — which I assume is a long term, monogamous relationship.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Deal making is a wonderful tool to have in a marriage. This is a great time to use it. Here’s how.

Don’t moralize on his feelings. In other words, don’t criticize him for being crazy, overly sensitive, or wrong for not wanting to be around your ex-boyfriend at your family’s reunions. Instead, tell him you understand his feelings, and you hope that he understands yours, that it’s very important for you to spend the holidays with your family. Since your feelings are at odds, but are equally important, it’s time to split the difference and make a deal so you both get some of what you want.

Here are some suggestions for deals that might work: Consider blending your holiday celebration with his extended family. What would happen if it weren’t just your family that you were visiting at the holidays, but if his parents and relatives (including his stepsons, etc.) were invited, too? Or, what if you split the holidays the way many families of divorce with joint custody do, so that Christmas Eve is spent with your family and Christmas Day is spent with his — or some variation. You could have Thanksgiving the way he wants it, and Christmas the way you want it, as another suggestion. Or, maybe there’s some trip he wants to take that you’ve been begging off of or some tool or car or television he wants that you’ve said no to, or even some sexual favor that he’s wanted and you haven’t agreed to, that you can now agree to in exchange for Christmas at your relatives’ homes this year. Or maybe it’s the home setting that is the compromise, so that instead of seeing your family at their home, you all get together at a parade, or a restaurant, or some other venue that gives you the opportunity to spend time with your relatives at the holiday, but gives him the feeling that he hasn’t “lost” but is getting something that is for him in the deal, too.

So break the cycle of fighting, and starting insisting on a compromise that will partially satisfy both of you.

I hope that helps.

Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is not a midlife crisis. You are in serious trouble.

Your boyfriend and father of your children will never change. You are both addicts and until you break what is clearly a pattern, you will continue to spiral down until one or both of you is dead. Your kids will be raised by other people, and possibly institutions.

If that’s not enough reason for you to make a change in YOUR life, then I can’t help you.

So, here’s my advice: You need to break up with the boyfriend. He’s beaten you, he’s cheated on you, he’s addicted to substances, he’s used money that should be going to put food in your kids’ mouths, for pills and alcohol, and he’s a bum who won’t get a job. Your [i]feelings[/i] for him are selfish. You should be putting your feelings as a responsible mother to your two children WAY ahead of your feelings of “love” 🙄 for your man. He has choices. Your children don’t.

File an order for custody and child support in court. You may not get support right away because he’s not working and the court system is slow, but your children are young, and you WILL start getting support for them from your boyfriend, within the next couple of years at the latest. The children deserve this support. Next, get some family members to take care of your kids while you go to rehab and seek treatment for your own pill (and whatever other substances you are abusing) problem. Then get a simple job, and live within your means, even if it’s living with your mother, while you work selling coffee at Starbucks.

It’s not your boyfriend who’s selfish. It’s you. Be a mother to your kids, and get healthy.

Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t change him. You picked a guy who let’s his parents boss him around. Ball’s in your court on this one. If you don’t like this about him, move on and find a man who stands on his own two feet. And if you’re not sure — imagine what will happen if you get married and have children. Instead of being loyal to you, first and foremost, as is required to make a relationship work in marriage, he’s going to be putting you second, at best, and possible third or fourth, behind his parents and your children. I don’t think it’s a good set up for a future together. Sorry. 🙁

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good questions! 🙂

First of all, when someone is feeling a lack of confidence, I advise that they focus on what they are good at. For example, since you say you’re a middle class guy in a sea of other rich men, don’t try and compete there. However do emphasis your charm, your sense of humor, and your good looks — or whatever you have going for you that you do feel is an asset. If you’ve got really skinny legs, but great eyes, wear trousers to cover the skinny legs, and make sure your shirt is a color that plays up your eyes! Also, understand that everybody in the whole world has this same problem you’re describing. There is always someone richer, funnier or taller — and if every guy tried to be the richest, funniest and tallest — before he felt confident enough to ask a woman out, no woman would ever have a date! 😆 So play up your assets, and let go of what you think are deficits.

Also, take your head out of your own life, and look around you: Women have this problem, too. Many, many, many (did I say many? 😉 ) women feel that their breasts aren’t big enough for a guy’s likes, or their skin isn’t perfect enough for some man to appreciate, or they’ll never get a guy because they don’t know how to flirt as well as someone else. So relax. Your problems aren’t that unusual. They’re pretty universal.

As for girls gossiping if you’re flirting, jeez, if you worried about every comment every person made about you, you’d spend all your time on that! People talk — they always have and they always will. Forget it. You focus on your goal, and don’t worry about gossip. Gossip never got anyone anywhere good. Your universe is fine the way it is. You don’t need to expand it to avoid gossip — if anything, make it smaller to rule out the gossips in your life!

As for chatting, small talk is an art, and the more you do, the better you’ll get. Understand that both you — and the woman you’re chatting up — will make some bloopers, but that’s okay because you’re both human. The key about small talk is to stay focused. Start conversation based on mutual interest — whether it’s a sandwich you’re both eating at the school cafeteria, or a class you’re taking or took, or the weather. If you stay in the moment, instead of letting your mind wander to all the mistakes you’re probably making, wondering if she likes you, hoping your fly isn’t unzipped, etc., you’re not going to be making small talk — you’re going to be nervous first and foremost and focusing on the woman you’re talking to, last.

I hope that helps — GOOD LUCK!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because you didn’t post on your previous message, I’m not sure what I advised you before, or what your history is, so for future, if you want me to understand previous posts, please post your new question on the tale end of the old post — it will automatically jump the whole thing to the front of the queue!

That said, I stand by what you state in this post that I originally advised — that you shouldn’t do anything aggressive, like ask him out or call him. I’m not sure why you’re confused, because he hasn’t done anything that indicates he wants to be anything more than flirty friends. If a guy likes you, he’ll show you by making a move or asking you on a date that is just the two of you. When you do things like invite him to the movies, you take away the opportunity for him to show you how he feels about you, and it can create confusion — like you’re having now! 😕

This guy isn’t showing you any signs that he wants to be your boyfriend — especially when he accidentally touches your hand and then pulls away first. He just wants to be friends and hang out and flirt with you.

Don’t be confused. Accept the fact that he’s not boyfriend material for you, and find someone who is! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right to be worried. Your boyfriend is feeling trapped by the pregnancy and is retreating. 😕

Unfortunately, he has to work through his own issues about his becoming a father and his now life long relationship with you. While he may have been gung ho about getting married before you got pregnant, he never proposed, so it may have been more talk than walk. Now that you’re pregnant, and you’re going to be parents, he’s probably feeling put on the spot, to say the least. All you can do is be there, be supportive, and try and coax him out of his retreat — but it may not work. Try not to blame him or make him feel defensive. Instead, muster up as much understanding and patience as you can.

At the same time you’re trying to be supportive of his emotional crisis, you need to be nurturing of yourself as a new mother. If he’s not going to be there for you, you have to find a support system that includes family and friends so that your pregnancy is a healthy one, and that you weather this relationship problem as best you can.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hooray! 😀

Nice work! Keep up the theories of dating I talk about in my book, and let me know how things go.

I’m proud of you — and happy for you. I know this took discipline and change on your part, and it’s a pleasure to see it pay off for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that given what you’ve written me, her message sounds like she does want to end the friendship — which sounds more like a[i] “flirtship” [/i]than a friendship or a relationship. But, that doesn’t mean you have to do anything differently. If you like her, and you want to flirt with her, and she’s going to flirt back with you, then what she really may be trying to say, but can’t, is that she can’t continue to flirt like this in a limbo state. She may have been waiting for you to make a move after years of flirting as friends, and when you didn’t, she became frustrated, and her asking you to “end this” may really be her subconscious way of asking you to end the limbo. 😮

You’re going to have to use your intuition on this one, and if you think there’s more there than she’s admitting, it’s time for you to end the limbo and make a move. A candlelit dinner with a smoldering kiss at the end of the night should do the trick.

And if you get shot down, then you’ll have a clear answer to your own question about whether or not this relationship has a future beyond flirty friends. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you write that you know you’re being overly sensitive and jumpy, the solution is to stop doing that! It’s that easy. 🙂

The problem is really yours since she hasn’t done anything wrong in the two weeks you’ve been dating. You’re focusing way too much energy on controlling the relationship. The tricky part of any relationship is that there are two people in them! 😮 And you only get to control of those two: YOU!

So, while it’s fine to hope that things work out, the reality is that you have to let things take their course. Your girlfriend is within her appropriate bounds not to call you. You’re the guy, you do the calling. Sorry, but I agree with her on that one and your “personal line in the sand” about her calling is not mature, and is going to get you no where fast with women who adhere to my philosophies of dating. So ease up on that line in the sand. 🙂

When you write that things have been so good between the two of you it’s “like something out of a storybook” I’d advise you to quit reading those storybooks! I mean, they’re fine for kids, but adult relationships take all sorts of twists and turns and you have to be more of a dancer to adjust to your partner’s moves, and vice verse, to make a relationship work, so maybe instead of those storybooks, you can start watching Dancing With The Stars instead! 😆

I hope this helps. Good luck — and let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not doing anything wrong — except for pursuing a woman who’s not available to you! 😮

If this was a woman who was interested in you, you’d be doing everything right, but when you send her flowers, and she sees this as a sign of encroachment, she’s really not ready to be in a relationship with you. Her reasons — getting over 2 very bad failed marriages — are understandable for wanting to back off when things start to get intimate and serious. She’s gun shy.

And because she’s a single mother, she has even more reason to be hesitant about getting involved again, since she hasn’t chosen well in her last two husbands, and not only has she gone through the trauma of break ups and divorce, but so has her daughter.

Read the writing on the wall and move on. You deserve someone who is all there for you because you’re doing it all right. Dating is a process, and part of the process means figuring out who’s right and who’s wrong for you. Don’t take the rejection as a big hit — take it as a gift, so that you don’t have to waste any more time on someone who isn’t ready to be with you.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As long as you think there is someone better “out there,” you’d be cheating yourself and your boyfriend if you married him. Marriage should be the result of dating enough men so that you know what you want in a husband, and finding that in a man.

I’m a little surprised that you found you had to move to a city 2 and a half hours away from your boyfriend in order to start to try dating other men. Why couldn’t you have just broken up with him because you realized he wasn’t Mr. Right, and dated other men in the city you were both in?

Although you say how much you love your boyfriend and how amazing he is — if you still have doubts about him after all this time dating him, and you’re still wondering if there’s someone better out there, you should really be dating other men, and you definitely shouldn’t marry him.

[Member]

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