[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, you can’t start over. That’s not how life works. And you talk about the old you and the new you, but most people don’t change that quickly or that drastically. There isn’t so much a “new” you, as there may be a you who has learned from his past mistakes, and decided to take a different path in life to try and avoid those pitfalls in the future. So don’t look for black and white changes to occur. Instead, embrace the process of what happened, why it happened, and how your life is changing now, in order to make sure those old problems won’t occur, or if they do, how you’ll handle them differently.

It’s not clear from your post what conflicts caused the stress between you and your ex-girlfriend that caused the break up in the first place. That’s probably where you want to start examining what happened, your part in it, and how you could do things differently in the future.

Your drunken outburst may have scared her beyond repair, and if that’s the case, there is nothing you can do to change her mind.

So my advice to you, since it has only been 2 months since the break up, is to start living your life as a person of character who wants to do the right thing, and in fact, does it. Work on yourself so that you are healthy — work out and exercise, eat well, sleep well, and work well. Keep your social life active — whether or not you are dating. Keep good friends who also have good character and values. Eventually by doing this you will be confident that you are the type of man who deserves a great girlfriend, if your ex-girlfriend sees this, and believes this change, then perhaps she will become interested in you again. But if she doesn’t, someone else will. I promise you that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that you’re unhappy.

You’ve basically been cheating on your husband ever since the first time you started discussing your feelings about your husband with your former co-worker in 2005. It sounds like your former co-worker did decide to end his marriage, and when he recently asked you if you were going to do the same, your answer that you weren’t sure, made him realize that he was doing something life-changing and you weren’t, and that he couldn’t count on you to do what he was doing, so he wasn’t very interested in you any more.

During these last 5 years that the two of you were having an emotional affair, he probably used you to help him get out of his marriage. Maybe there were other women he talked to the way he did you. Now that he’s leaving his wife, he’s probably only going to want to date women who are actually single and available to be in a fully committed relationship with him.

I think that you were using him to avoid your marriage. Now you don’t have him any more, and you’re back where you started in 2005, in a marriage that you’re unhappy with, but that you don’t want to leave.

Being in this limbo is going to be very tough for you. My advice is to decide to be committed to your husband — emotionally, as well as every other way — or to divorce. Anything in between is going to create chaos for you, and probably won’t lead anywhere satisfying.

While you and your husband may have grown apart, and no longer have the same interests, three interests you do share are you children. Maybe your home is another interest you share. Start there, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, and make those children and your home together a common interest that you do talk about. Solve your social needs with girlfriends and other couples. Take care of your sex life if it’s lagged over the last years. Bolster your finances together. Create holidays together where you have extended family in common.

In other words, if you’re going to stay in your marriage, be loyal to it, and if you’re not, stop pussyfooting around, and be committed to divorcing.

Ball’s in your court.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

His asking you for 2 days of space doesn’t seem like an unreasonable request. Two days isn’t 2 weeks or 2 months, and it’s also a finite amount of time. He’s not telling you that he needs a break from the relationship with no end to that break in sight.

You didn’t respect his request, and it’s understandable if he gets upset at you for that. When you saw him at the comedy club, and he got up to leave and said ‘I’m going home. I’ll talk to you later,” and you wrote that [i]naturally[/i] you followed him out — it became clear that your sense of what is natural is only what is natural to you. If you had asked me, I would have told you not to follow him out because he had asked for space, and then didn’t invite you to come with him. What you did was the opposite of what he asked. Instead of giving him space, you invaded it.

Making a relationship work means respecting each other, and if you don’t respect his requests, but instead treat him like he’s asked you to eat dog food on the moon when he asks for 2 days of space, he’s going to eventually feel like he has no say when you don’t agree with him. This is going to create a lot of discord, eventually.

So, in answer to your questions, you’re not [i]crazy[/i] for taking his request for space personally, but it’s not very mature of you not to consider his request reasonable. If you feel like the request is causing you to freak out, then freak out on your own time, but not in front of him. If you’re anxious about why he wants 2 days of space, rather than make demands of him, you could nicely ask him why and if he’s okay, and if there’s anything you can do for him to make things easier.

When the 2 days of space are over, you can ask him, nicely, how he’s doing, and if the 2 days helped him. You can also ask him what was bothering him, and then LISTEN to what he says. Then tell him how it made you feel — not the anger you have, but the fear you have that you were going to miss him, or that there was something wrong with your relationship. If you can take the combat out of the conversation, you’ll make it a lot easier for him to be honest with you, and a lot easier for you to be honest with him.

And remember, just because YOU think that the two of you are supposed to be completely honest with each other, you’re both human beings, and he may have needed the 2 days to work something out so that he could be honest with you. And you weren’t very honest with him when you freaked out by demanding his time and space, rather than admitting that the real reason for your freak out was fear of not being treated the way you want to be treated.

In long term relationships, it’s often a really great tool for each person to have some time apart from the relationship to reflect, regenerate, and appreciate what the relationship is for them. Rather than see the 2 days off as a bad thing, see it as a tool that could possibly strengthen your relationship when practiced every couple of months or so, because if it is a really great relationship you two have, and the one thing he needs sometimes is 2 days off, I’d say that’s a really reasonable request. 🙂

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When he gets home, you need to sit down with him and tell him what you found, and ask him what he’s doing. So for now, take a breath. While this is obviously upsetting you, you have to reserve judgment until you hear his explanation from him yourself. I know how tough this is, but there’s no other good way. I know that this is going to be excruciatingly difficult to wait for his return to talk to him about this, but you’re going to have better communication face to face, and this is important.

If you do decide to discuss this with someone — just pick one person. This is not something you want to spread or seek support for from lots of people, until you’ve heard an explanation from your fiance.

It would be helpful to know if he’d been married to his son’s mother, or if he’d had a long term committed relationship with her, why it ended and if any concern about his orientation was a part of that relationship ending. In other words, if this is a secret lifestyle, how long has it been going on?

If your fiance admits that this is a chronic, long term lifestyle that he’s kept secret from you, then I don’t think you’re going to be able to have a monogamous relationship with him. He’s not satisfied with women, he wants men, too. You will never be enough for him. 🙁 This won’t bode well for a stable family.

So, until you talk to him, keep yourself steady and busy. Focus on your pregnancy, and yourself. Don’t sit home alone. Go out and walk in the park, shop, cook, go to the movies, and keep busy.

When he gets home, you’ll be able to get some answers. But this won’t work if he is gay, bi, or something else, and needs to have sexual encounters with people other than yourself, so you need to hear [i]from him[/i] what’s going on.

Hang in there.

Let me know how things go. And good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not wrong for wanting an active sex life in your relationship. That your girlfriend’s sex drive has changed, can be a deal breaker, so see if she’s willing to try not using an ingested or implanted birth control device, but rather to use a barrier device like a diaphragm and condoms. These physical devices won’t change her body chemistry, and she should be able to gain her old desires back again.

It’s understandable that her doctor suggested she wait three months before trying something else — but see what he says about this plan, and remember, you can always seek a second opinion about this change in birth control from a different physician. In addition, the barrier methods of birth control will be much safer for her own body and health, in the long term, than any pill or injected or implanted method, so you’d be doing both of you good to make this switch.

Let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

His behavior is understandable as his departure date nears. I can’t tell you what’s in his head, but that’s not important. If you’re looking for some glimmer of hope that he’s having a breakthrough and a turnaround, you’d be fooling yourself. He’s wrestling emotionally with his past and his present, and the fact that you are being so civilized with him is not what he is used to in his past. He may be trying to manufacture some drama that will help him leave the way he’s left other relationships, or he may be trying to punish himself since you aren’t. But all I’m doing is guessing because you’re the one that’s writing me — not him. I can only know what you tell me is in your head.

What I’d like for you to do is to continue to maintain civility through his departure, and keep the spotlight focused on you. You need to take care of your needs, as you prepare to be single again. Your wanting to know what’s in his head is your way of trying to maintain a connection with him, as you’re breaking up and saying goodbye. Let go, and let him go with all his history and his emotional journeys behind and ahead of him.

You’re the star of your show, and you need to heal yourself, recover from this relationship and then get right back out there and find the man who is truly Mr. Right for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your heart is in 2 places, you’d be making a mistake to give a commitment to either woman. Both of them want 100% of you, and you’re not able to give 100% of yourself to either one of them, so my advice to you is to continue to be honest — and not give either one of them the 100% commitment that in your heart, you don’t want to give.

I know that isn’t what you wanted to hear, but the reality is that the distance between your ex-girlfriend and yourself doesn’t work. That’s how you hooked up with your current girlfriend! You weren’t interested in weathering the distance or the infrequency of seeing one another with your ex-girlfriend, so don’t give a commitment to her, because you’re not going to be able to honor it. And if you commit to her, you’re committing to being not just her husband, but a stepdad to her children — and if your heart isn’t at least 100% in it, you’re going to cause drama to yourself, her, and her children. Big mistake with a lot of pain. 🙁

Your current girlfriend is not someone you’re interested in giving a full commitment to because if you wanted to, it would be easy to do so! She’s right here. So accept that you like her, but you’re just not that into her. And if she can’t accept that, it’s her problem. She’s free to stay or go.

It’s clear that you’re getting pressured by these 2 women, but it’s important you stand your ground. If you don’t, this drama is going to get exponentially worse.

See if you can focus on making a life in Florida where you live and work, with someone fabulous there. Compatibility is key to relationships and you don’t have that with your ex-girlfriend, and you don’t have the interest in your current one. Keep dating!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well I’m glad you’ve answered your own question for yourself, and that you like this forum so much! I like having you here. 🙂

What comes across to me is that you like impressing your girlfriend, and while it’s wonderful have a woman who thinks you’re just the best guy in the whole world, be careful about being honest and not inflating your stories just to fulfill your ego! When people are insecure, and need the applause more than the honesty, they inflate facts about their lives and themselves to get those kudos from their girlfriend, but the downside is that if the girlfriend begins to find out that the facts and stories aren’t really true — or aren’t quite as true as they were originally made out to be, you’re going to lose her trust.

So be careful not to try and win attention in the short run by trying to impress her, if it may lead to a loss of trust over inflated stories in the long run.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not being realistic about your ex-boyfriend being a current boyfriend. He’s made it clear that a relationship between the two of you will not work, and you live too far away from each other to make it work. So forget about him. The feelings you have for him are just feelings, and feelings are not enough to make a real relationship work. Compatibility is going to be the currency in any relationship, and you don’t have that with your ex-boyfriend for the 2 reasons above (he isn’t into a reunion and you live too far away).

However, your fantasies about what could have been with your ex-boyfriend may be your round about way of trying to get yourself out of the current relationship you are in, which at the 2 year mark, really should be moving towards marriage — and if that’s not what you want from this boyfriend, your brain may be trying to get you out of the relationship without being straightforward or brutally honest with yourself — or him.

To be fair to yourself and your current boyfriend, decide if you want in or out of this relationship. It’s not fair to yourself or him to waste time in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Proceed with caution. 😕

Your theories and thoughts are absolutely right. What you’re not admitting is that your boyfriend is being very clear with you, but you don’t like the clear answer he’s giving you: He’s conflicted about breaking up with his other girlfriend, and he’s not 100% into you, although he does want your company, attention, etc. He just isn’t ready to give you a 100% commitment.

Dating is a process that allows both people to decide if they want to continue further. You’re getting to know him, and yourself, and the same goes for him. He’s realizing that he’s committed enough to his other girlfriend to feel like his getting sexually involved with you may be cheating. That’s why he’s anxious with you, and you’re correct to assume he does know what’s making him anxious and that he doesn’t want to discuss it with you.

The ball is in your court now. While you don’t like that he’s keeping his Facebook status as “in a relationship” with his other girlfriend, while dating you, and you don’t like that he’s not giving 100% of himself to you physically because of his anxieties stemming from his other relationship, you are trying to figure out how much more of this you’re interested in investing in.

You may want to continue dating him, but not get involved with him sexually while he’s still obviously committed to his other girlfriend. You may want to forge ahead with your sex life with him in spite of his anxieties, or you may want to give this whole relationship a break so that he can work out his anxieties on his own time, and not fetter yours.

None of those choices is wrong. Just keep your eyes open in this one, and be aware of the situation when you make your own decisions about what you want from him — or any man.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wow, do I have the answer for you! 🙂

You should download my book for men called Date Out of Your League, here. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] I wrote this book specifically for guys just like you — who want a woman, but don’t know how to get her. It’s an easy read, and if you download it tonight, you can finish it this weekend, and be ready to roll on Monday! The answer to your question is completely contained in this book. 😀

Until you get the book, what I can tell you in brief, is that women go for men who are confident, successful, funny, handsome — and any combination of the above. So the first thing you have to do in order to attract this one woman — or any woman — is to cultivate those facets in yourself. That you describe yourself as “not ugly,” is a start — I happen to bet you’re more than just “not ugly”. In fact, I bet you’re really good looking. If there’s a way you can believe that, and feel that you have something to offer women in the way of your looks (or your confidence, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your sense of fun, your ability to be intimate — whatever it is) you’re going to be much more likely to catch her eye and capture her attention.

I’d also encourage you to adopt what I call the Numbers Game in dating whereby the more often you date, the more likely you are to hit that home run with a woman. Six to seven rejections at your age are really not many at all — in fact even if you waited until you were 18 to start dating, that’s only one rejection a year! I’d like to see you attempting to flirt with, and try dating that many women a month! That way you’d not only practice flirting and dating and become more confident by actually doing the work, but you’ll most definitely get some wins, too, and you may actually do some rejecting, which is also a good experience to have under your belt.

And lastly, I’d like you to look at rejection differently than I think you have been. Rejection doesn’t have to be something you fear. Instead, rejection can be seen as I see it: a gift. If a woman rejects you (or if you reject her), she’s saving you both time that could be spent on finding someone who’s really the right woman for you. Relationships are dependent on having two people who both want the same thing at the same time. If she isn’t interested, and she leads you on, or strings you along, she’s ultimately wasting your time, and creating a false sense of your having a chance with her. Learn to say, “Next!” when a relationship doesn’t work out, and take a rejection for what it is — a time saver.

I hope this helps. Let me know how things go!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re in your early 20s and that means you have a balancing act in front of you.

First of all, I happen to agree with your mother on most of the issues you’ve mentioned! 🙂 But just because I agree with them, doesn’t mean that they’re right for you — at this time in your life. So what I’d like you to do is to really listen to your mother, who appears to have your back in a way many young women don’t have the benefit of, but only incorporate into your own life, works for you.

Imagine if you went to a doctor or a nutritionist for diet advice. You’d listen to the diet rules, and then knowing your own body better than any doctor, nutritionist or diet book author, you’d incorporate what worked for you in order to lose the weight you wanted to lose. Same thing goes with your mom and dating advice.

Since you’re an adult now, and aren’t living at your mother’s home, you can start setting up your own adult relationship with your mother, and that means you can have some boundaries. You don’t have to tell her everything and you don’t have to take her advice on everything. You can also tell her that you appreciate her advice and opinions, but that on this issue or another issue what works for you is x, y and z. Conversation will ensue if you’re lucky. Fighting will ensue if you’re not so lucky. But either way, rather than seeing this as a bad thing, try and see it as an opportunity for you and your mother to get to know each other and respect each other as adults. Be patient with your mom — and with yourself. Even if you have to end a concussive argument with, “You’re driving me crazy, but I love you all the same,” you’ll have made headway in this relationship with your mother.

Separating from parents is a lifelong process! Balance is the key to doing it gracefully. So see if you can muster respect for your mother, with respect for yourself as your relationship with your mom changes while you’re a dating adult.

As for your dates and boyfriends, just because your mother gives you advice, does not mean you should be relaying your mom’s rules to your boyfriends. What that does is give you a child’s safety net. You’re basically telling your boyfriend how your mom says he should be treating you, but not taking responsibility for your own feelings about how he should be treating you. In other words, you’re hiding behind your mother’s apron strings. You can’t have it both ways! 😉

If you have standards for a date or a boyfriend that aren’t being met, and your boyfriend doesn’t agree with them, then rather than fighting him on these issues, decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Sometimes one of these issues is not a deal breaker, but the litany of them are. This is why you date men — to figure out who is compatible with you and vice verse. In fact, you can ask your mother if she had any of these manners or values issues with your father when she was dating him, and if so, how she handled them. You can even get to know her further than you have before, by asking her what her dating life was like, and if her parents had issues with her dates, ever. This two way sharing of experience will level the playing field with you and your mother.

So basically, cut your mom some slack — she’s really trying to do a good job as a mother of an adult child — and use the conflict to further deepen and create your own adult relationship with her, and to incorporate what you do value in her advice, [i]tacitly[/i] into your own dating rules that you employ with dates and boyfriends.

I hope this helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Rejection hurts but if you can step back and see the bigger picture, you’ll understand that it really is a gift. I know that must sound crazy right now because you’re so wound up in this sinking relationship, but your girlfriend is telling you she’s not interested in you any more, and she’s actually saving you time and more pain by cutting you free to find someone who does love you and who does appreciate you and who does respect you and who does want to be with you.

It’s impossible to make someone love you when they want someone else or something else. I don’t think you’re going to be able to win this girl over again. She’s made up her mind, and she’s moving on.

What I would like to see you do is to man up and take the hit. Men and women dump each other all the time. If they didn’t there would be way more divorce and heartache than there already is. Dating is a process for both people to learn what they want and whether their date can be that for them. It is also a time for self growth so you can hone in on what you truly need to make a relationship work long term. Compatibility relies on self knowledge.

So use this relationship to understand what went right and what went wrong for you. And with what knowledge you’ve gained, get back out there and start dating again. The more you date, the more likely you are to meet someone with whom you’re truly compatible and can have a loving, healthy long term relationship.

I’m sorry you’re hurt. Accept the rejection, nurse the pain, then end that pity party! Life is yours for the taking, so get your share — it’s out there waiting for you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She’s given you pretty vague constructive criticism! It would be unfair for you to try and win her back based on her assumption that you’re living in the past. You might want to tell her how much you want to try and work things out, but you’d be grateful if she could elaborate on specific incidents of what she means by your living in the past. That’s really the only way you can even consider her complaints.

On the other hand, she may just be throwing out a blanket statement like she did about living in the past, because she isn’t interested in giving you specifics because she doesn’t really want to get back together.

So your job is to find out if she really does want to get back together, and if so, what particular things you do that make her think you’re living in the past.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Cool! 🙂 Thanks!

[Member]

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