[April Masini, your AskApril]

I wish I knew what previous posts you were referring to. 🙁 For future, please continue any new developments about old posts directly onto those old posts, so I can read the chronology of your question — and so can all the other readers! I receive and respond to so many readers’ relationship questions that if you want me to refer to the history of your relationship, you’ve got to help me out by using the old post with your new question! 🙂

But for now, I’ll do my best to answer the question on it’s own, as posted here, so this is my advice:

It sounds like your boyfriend is trying to reunite after a break up with you, and you’re not sure you want to go back to the way things were, minus the living together. Given your feelings, I think the best thing is that rather than try and rewind time, to start from this moment forward.

Given what you know about this guy from having dated him already, is he someone who could be Mr. Right? What else do you need to know about him to make this determination?

If he is someone who could possibly be “the one” and you’re interested in pursuing that question, then if he asks you out, and you want to go, have a great time! But if he’s not going to be Mr. Right because of what you’ve learned about him from the dating you’ve already had with him, and the break up, then there’s no sense wasting your time or his.

If all he’s doing is trying to incorporate you back into his life so he has a girlfriend who may or may not be Ms. Right, but he’s not really interested in a commitment so it doesn’t really matter if you’re Ms. Right, as long as you’re good enough for right now, and you have other goals in mind for yourself, then you’re not compatible.

So the answer to your question really lies in whether this guy is a possible Mr. Right or not, based on what you’ve learned. You’ve gained your freedom back since what appears to be a break up, so don’t give it up to Mr. Right Now this time around.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear that I’ve helped! 🙂

As for your question about this other woman, your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, hanging around his family, I would strongly caution you not to intervene even if you don’t like it. You will be stepping into business that is not yours if you do.

Even though you’ve been dating your boyfriend for 6 years, and have been living together for 4, you’re still not officially family. You’re the girlfriend, and not the wife. If his family wants to entertain her or socialize with her, that’s between she and them. If she’s hanging around your boyfriend then that’s an issue between you and your boyfriend, not you and her. You should not confront her in any way, because you don’t have “authority” over what she does. She really is free to socialize with whomever she wants.

If you do start to tell her to back off, and she doesn’t, you’re going to find yourself even more frustrated and angry. This is something your boyfriend should handle, not you.

Hopefully, she won’t get what she wants by hanging out with his family — which would be your boyfriend — and will eventually go away because there’s nothing for her in time spent with his family. That’s the best case scenario. My guess is that she’s hanging out with his family because she either thinks she has a shot at him, still, or that she’s trying to get under your skin by rubbing your face in her presence. When she realizes she’s not going to get your boyfriend or your attention, she’ll go elsewhere.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Business and pleasure are a dangerous combination. They can add fuel to a hot sex life when the business is going well, and dampen the wateriest Hallmark card when business takes a turn for the worse. There’s a reason that family businesses become such a source of lifelong conflicts for those in them.

So, you need to either strike a balance knowing your girlfriend, yourself and your business, or you need to choose to whether to put your business or your girlfriend first.

If you can spare the $10,000/year, then you may want to write it off as the cost of doing business with your girlfriend, and from this point on, clarify your business agreement with her in writing so that you’re not left in this position in the future where the question of stealing is on the table. Contracts eliminate those questions.

If you’re too angry about her “stealing” the money from your business, and you think that this is a character flaw that is a deal breaker in your relationship (because [b]I guarantee you’ll see this behavior again down the road with her[/b]), then it’s time to call the relationship quits.

If you can see that she’s got a point, and you didn’t take responsibility for seeing this situation earlier, then accept your mistake, admit she’s right to take this money and change your own business behavior for future.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Anti-depressants are extremely capable of killing anyone’s sex drive. So, ask her if she’ll see her doctor and discuss options for alternative medications or different doses of her anti-depressant. If she’s comfortable enough to have you join in the consultation, it would bring the two of you a lot closer. I’m not sure how long you’ve been dating, but if she’s willing to share the solution to this problem with you, you might learn something and even add to the physician consult about her anti-depressants and their affect on her sex drive.

Secondly, her chronic pelvic pain would definitely be a psychological reason to not want to have sex — and even to be depressed about sex. It’s important to be vigilant about health care, and I would suggest that she try and get to the bottom of the reason for her chronic pelvic pain, and the solution to the real problem for it. Lidocaine is an anesthetic that is used to numb areas. I’m not a physician, but I wonder what the long term effect of using lidocaine on her genitals and genital region has to her sexual feelings. This is something she needs to get answers to from doctors.

Thirdly, understand that it is very normal for your sex drive to be much higher than hers is, even if these two issues above did not exist. So you’re not the only guy who may get his hand slapped for trying to arouse his girlfriend when she’s just not ready for that yet.

Given all that, your question is legitimate and you have a right to an answer and a solution. My advice is that you’re going to have to get very, very creative, and explore all kinds of options that may get your girlfriend turned on (AFTER she sees her physician for the 2 above medical challenges). Some people use sex toys as part of couples’ play in bed, other people enjoy soft core porn together because it gets them both turned on if it’s the right kind of movie for the two of you. Maybe she needs you to become Mr. Super Seducer and start with some dirty talk or some sexual caresses that don’t necessarily lead to sex, but imply how sexually attractive you find her. Maybe it’s great lingerie with feathery mule slippers for her. You may want to take a walk together through a sex shop like the Penthouse Store or the Playboy Store or some other Pleasure Chest type shop and buy some things that she might be interested in. Since she says that she does masturbate, ask her if she’ll do it in front of you. Lots of couples incorporate this kind of sexual activity into their bedroom life as a couple, not just as something that is done alone, privately.

I hope I’ve given you some ideas that may resonate for you, as well as some reasons for her reduced libido.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In all things sexual, slow is usually a much better tact for a woman than fast, so whatever you do or initiate, do it slowly. This will make your girlfriend feel more at ease.

Seduction is what you need to focus on. Wooing a woman sexually requires some strategy, some skill and some tact. Understand that women’s sex drives start in their brains where the idea of sex and sensuality originate. So, if you’re planning to initiate some new sex facet this weekend, start seducing her today. Sexy messages on the phone, a love note, a rose, and sensual caresses that don’t lead anywhere, but imply a promise of sex, are all what I’m talking about, and you can probably use those notes to expand and improvise on what you and she already have as a basis for your sex life.

I can’t imagine any of those things making her feel criticized or defensive, so I think that they should help.

What you need to focus on, in broad strokes, is making your sex life more of a priority in your relationship, and to do that, you have to make it more of a priority in your life, so start seeing her as a sexual object (in addition to the dynamic woman she already is), and turn up your sexual feelings. Chances are she will meet you more than half way — if you’re patient.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words and compliments. 🙂

In response to your query — well, you haven’t really asked me a question. You’ve expressed your problem, and I understand your frustration, but I’m not sure that there is anything for you to do. In fact, you probably know that too, which is why you chose to vent rather than ask a direct question of me! 😉

The bottom line is that whatever you think of Ed, Larissa is his girlfriend by choice. She responds to his booty call requests and she continues to date him. It’s hard to understand what draws people together sometimes, but at the end of the day, if two people are in a relationship, willingly, then that’s their deal between each other. She may be embarrassed to tell you that she actually enjoys the booty calls, herself, and that she gets some pleasure out of the way he treats her, because she knows that you don’t approve.

It sounds like you’ve counseled Larissa, and given her advice, but you’re not objective because you like her yourself, and want her for yourself. And frankly, she probably likes you, too, at the very least as a friend, so her responses to you about her relationship with Ed are stilted.

If you really want to extricate yourself from being in the middle of their relationship, and position yourself as a possible suitor for Larissa if she breaks up with Ed one day, then this is the time to do that. It really sounds like you don’t respect Ed very much, so why be his friend? You can easily transition to acquaintance.

If you do this, Larissa may see you as someone who isn’t her boyfriend’s friend, and may end up respecting you more for your independence. She may even begin to model it herself, if what she truly wants is to be treated the way you treated yourself by not settling for a friend you don’t respect.

In addition, if you can get yourself out of the counseling business with Larissa, and become a possible suitor who’s intention is that you’re interested in dating her, she may not see the lines as so blurred as they are now.

I know that’s a lot of work on your part, and what you were probably hoping for was that Larissa would do the work first by leaving Ed and dating you.

It’s much easier in life to change your own behavior than to try and control or manipulate someone else’s. My advice is you change the path you’re on and see if it doesn’t bring you some happiness and romance.

Let me know what happens! Good luck. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Notice how her ex-boyfriend is getting her attentions. He texts her, and she texts him back. Since she’s not dating him any more, this is a great time for you to dial up your attention to her, and to let her know you’re interested in becoming her boyfriend.

I know you’re very sensitive, and worried about pressuring her, and possibly driving her away, but there’s no way to test the waters except to test the waters. 🙂 You want her to notice your increased interest, and this will naturally put her in the spotlight to either accept and encourage your advances, or to discourage them. Trust that she’s strong enough to handle your increased texts or hugs or even calls to ask her out. It’s chivalrous of you to want to protect her, but the flip side of chivalry is actually getting the girl! 😉

In lieu of asking her out on a date, other ways to show your affection at parties that you and your friends attend are:

Offer to get her a drink. Offer to refill her drink. Offer to get her some food at the party.

Ask her to dance.

Give her your best flirtatious smiles and looks, and lavish her with compliments. Pay her a lot of attention at the parties.

Gestures of affection like an arm on her back or her arm, or brushing hair off of her face will definitely send her the signal that you care about her as more than a friend.

I hope that helps.

Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he was drugged and sexually assaulted, then he needs to call the police and report the crime. What he claims happened to him is dangerous, and if he doesn’t do something about it, and speak up to the police, other people may be victimized by this woman, too.

I would urge him to do the right thing and report what happened to him to the authorities so that they can investigate and arrest the woman who committed this crime against him, and then press charges.

If he’s not willing to do the right thing, and he still uses this excuse of being drugged for having cheated on you, then I think you have your answer about whether or not he’s telling the truth.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very hard to make a relationship work that’s got 2 big changes:

1. Long distance

2. One person in the relationship is starting a new social life by living at college

So you’ve got double the pressure on your relationship, and it’s understandable that you are both confused and uncertain as to where this relationship is headed.

It really sounds like she wants to have her cake and eat it, too — but she’s not an inherently selfish person, so she’s feeling guilty, and she expresses that to you as confusion. She’s not confused. She just can’t have what she wants, and she knows it’s not right. But that doesn’t stop her from wanting it and being pulled in two directions.

So, in answer to your 5 questions, I don’t think she’s using you. I do think she’s getting outside pressure from her family and friends. Those were the easy answers. As for the other three answers, I don’t think you should give her time to date and get dating “out of her system”. And since you’re wisely not interested in waiting for her while she tries dating other men to see if she likes it, I think that a clean break up is much better than giving her space to sow her oats.

As for letting her go, I think it’s going to be inevitable. Since she’s already conflicted, and it’s only October, I can’t imagine that conflict is going to go away. Her confusion is only going to mount, and the pressure at her age of living on a college campus, and having a boyfriend “back home” to whom she wants to remain loyal is going to turn her into a pressure cooker who explodes in some way — regardless, it won’t be pretty or good.

So, by letting her go, which is my advice, you’re creating the heartbreak of a break up, but you’re putting yourself out of misery by having a girlfriend who isn’t sure if she wants space or to be monogamous to you. It’s in your best interest to let go, amicably, and move on. I know this will be painful, but either way you’re going to have pain — so I’d choose the option that presents the best long term, big picture solution, and the least amount of pain overall.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes actions speak louder than words, and my advice to you is for [i]you[/i] to take the lead in giving what you want, to her, so she can learn from you. If you want her to seduce you with bedroom eyes, then you start to lower your lids first. If you want some spicier talk in the bedroom, then you start that conversation going. If you want to try different things, in different rooms, or at different times, then you take the initiative. If you want her to wear sexy lingerie, then buy her some as a gift. You can even turn a date into a shopping trip and buy things for her together, which could be really fun.

If you’re tired of sex starting with kissing in the dark because it happens to be night time, then you take the lead and show her the kind of adventure you want to go on. The trick to making this pleasurable for her, and giving her an adventure she wants to repeat and riff on, herself, is to make sure she’s comfortable, and not feeling pressured, and that there is a tone of sexuality, but also fun so she doesn’t get scared.

I’ve written a book called Romantic Date Ideas [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url] that you can use to get ideas for scenarios that lead to a spicier sex life than what you already have. This is a book written for couples just like you and your girlfriend who want to spice things up in the bedroom, but feel that they’re in a rut. You’ll get a lot out of reading this. I promise! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What on earth about this woman makes you think she is “a perfect match” for you?? 😕

You asked her out on a date for coffee, and she completely blew you off. Then every time you try and talk to her or log on, all she gives you is a “hi” at best, and you’re hanging this hope of a great relationship on the fact that you catch her staring at you during work? Maybe she’s just near sighted, and can’t see what she’s looking at. 😐

My advice to you is to move on and find someone else to date. Compatibility starts with shared conversations and an interest in mutual dates. If she’s not conversing with you and she won’t go out with you, there’s not much there to bank on.

I bet there are lots of other women who would be interested in you and who would jump at the chance to go on a date with you! Find [i]them.[/i] 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your husband was wrong to accept her add on Facebook. It takes two to allow that kind of internet friendship, so your problem isn’t really her. It’s your husband. He’s encouraging her by maintaining an internet relationship with her that you are not included in. And yes, that’s a problem about respect in your marriage.

As for the event at which you will see her, my suggestion to you is not to acknowledge her. She’s like a germ you want to stay away from so you don’t get infected, and neither does anyone in your house.

At the same time, since you’re feeling a little less than confident, you’ll feel better if you start working out, watching your diet, and giving yourself the kind of makeover that you would if you were interested in a new guy. Keeping the spark in your marriage takes a lot of work, and it starts with you. A new haircut, makeup, great lingerie, a new dress for the event where you’ll see her — all of this will help you feel better about yourself.

I hope that that helps some. 🙂 Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best thing you can do is to take him at his word rather than wondering if he means something other than he says. The problem you’re having is that he’s giving you a very shaky picture of his feelings for you. It would be hard for me to advise any woman to invest themselves completely in a man who didn’t completely appreciate and want them.

My advice to you is to play the field while dating him since he seems to be lacking any certainty about his feelings for you other than, he’s just not sure. Since you say you haven’t seen each other much in the past couple weeks, this is a perfect entree for you to start looking at other men, and flirting with the ones you like. If you’re not just sitting around, then you won’t feel like you’re a passive victim in the relationship.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I could help.

Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes a bad thing can be a gift in disguise. Consider yourself a kid at Christmas, because you just got a huge gift in finding out about your fiance’s true character before you married him.

Your fiance is not mature enough to be married, and you deserve a LOT better than someone who’s texting and calling girls off and on during your entire 5 year relationship and engagement. You should call off the wedding and say goodbye to him forever. You can do A LOT BETTER.

His behavior alone is a giant deal breaker. But that he’s getting married, is unemployed and isn’t using every waking moment to look for and obtain employment tells me you need to raise the bar on your standards! This is not what love looks like, and it’s not what a healthy relationship looks like. Sorry. 😕

Your feelings of love need to be re-examined. You can love lots of people, things, pets, causes and men — but it doesn’t mean that any of them deserve your hand in marriage let alone your time on a date. You need to start valuing yourself so that you understand what you have to offer a man, and what you expect and deserve in return. (Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and read it!) Until you do that, you’re going to continue to settle for unemployed guys who cheat on you. 👿

You dodged a bullet by finding out about this cheating. Anything he says in response is silly. Move on. Mr. Right is out there for you. 🙂

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