[meesh83]

Should I forgive him and How?

I’m 26 and have been dating my bf for 6 years. He is my first love, and aside from a very stupid decision just before we were officially dating (which I never told him about), he is the only one I’ve ever slept with.
I broke up with him at the beginning of August, because he was acting like a stranger to me.

We were broken up for one month, in this time we were still sleeping together . I asked him if he had slept with anyone else, he SWORE up and down he wasn’t.
(I really believe in monogamy and believe that its a full disclosure policy if you’re sleeping with somone)

We decided to give it another go in about mid September.
Then someone told him about my “mishap” …and he flipped.

Anyways, he found out about my mistake from before we were together officially and two weeks after putting up with the worst guilt trips of my life; he blurts out that he slept with someone while we were broken up but still sleeping together! The whole time I asked him because i didn’t want to be sleeping with him if he was sleeping with other people.

The worst part about it is that it happened 3 times with this girl who I’ve met a few times and KNEW she was after him when we were dating. She would flirt with him right in front of me!! It was women’s intuition and he knew I couldn’t stand her. Which leaves me questioning whether or not this started up before we had broken up.
He SWORE he never cheated on me… but emotinally he was, and if he lied to me about this how do i know he’s not lying about her?

I’m so hurt over all of it…but to find out it was this stupid disrespectful b****, I’m having an even harder time.
She still hangs out with his brother and his gf…so she is around now and then.

Is it a bad idea for me to tell her to stay away from him? or should telling him be enough?

It happened three times, none of these times did he wear protection!!
*I’ve already been for an emergency STD check.

He really does feel horrible and before I knew about this we were planning on going to some counseling to learn how to communicate with each other more effectively, and learn to deal with some of our normal issues (kind of like premarital).

Here’s what I need to know…

1. Should I feel cheated on?
2. Is this even remotely forgivable, since he’s generally not this type (If you were in my shoes)
3. Is this a typical way that guys deal with a break up?
4. The girl knew/knows me… should I say anything to her?
5. How can I figure out if this is something I can move past? (before we spend $100/hr on counseling)
6. What would you do?

Thank you SOO MUCH! I REALLY hope you’ll find a little time to help me out! This is a grey area that a lot of people seem to find themselves faced with… and I’m really confused.

I guess its just really hard on me because he lied to me about it and put my health at risk.

I dont understand how someone can move into sex with someone else so quickly when we were practically married (we owned a home together and lived together for 4 yrs; we were the same as a married couple without the ring)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I believe you that you can forgive your boyfriend, but I’m not sure if you will be able to, so let me try and answer your questions and explain why I’ve given you these answers.

Your idea of a break up was really kooky. 😕 You can’t be broken up and sleep together and expect things to be non-dramatic. He had every right to sleep with the other woman while the two of you were broken up. A break up means freedom, and he was granted that freedom by the two of you agreeing on a break up. If you really wanted a clean break up, then you wouldn’t have slept with him during that time — which is normally what a break up implies. If all you really wanted was to express your anger about his emotional distance, then a fight within the relationship would have worked better for you. But now, although you’ve checked yourself for STDs, the problem of a possible pregnancy looms, since your boyfriend did not use birth control on any of the (allegedly) three times he slept with the other woman. (What was he thinking?? 😮 )

Also, your sweeping statement about your belief in “full disclosure” during a monogamous relationship is kind of hypocritical, since you never disclosed your past, knowing it would upset your boyfriend. I think you’re just upset that your boyfriend slept with someone else while you were expecting monogamy during a break up, and now you’re quoting theories about relationships to support your position. Sorry — that doesn’t work. A break up is a break up. 🙁 You were both free to date and sleep with other people during that time.

Now that you’ve found out about this other woman, and you’re steamed, feeling betrayed, and hurt that she’s still around (and possibly pregnant with his child), your anger at her is misplaced. She didn’t do anything wrong. He’s not married, and she’s free to flirt and date him during break ups. The problem isn’t her. It’s him. If you confront her, you’re misplacing your energy, and you’re just going to give her more reason to want to connect with your boyfriend (they can gossip about your bad behavior), so just ignore her. Don’t give her the time of day, and don’t confront her. Anything that needs to be worked out with your boyfriend is between the two of you.

Lastly, although you have invested 4 years in this relationship and have a house together, you are not married, and if you were married, this would be a marriage verging on a divorce, given your recent separation, so just because you’ve been together “like a married couple” doesn’t mean this relationship is bulletproof.

One problem that was festering within your relationship before all this drama brought on by the “break up” was that you felt for some reason you couldn’t tell him that you’d slept with someone before the two of you were dating. While this admission may have disappointed him, because most guys like to feel like they’re the only one to have “had” their woman, the reality is that what you did was normal, and it would have been easier for you to have been honest with him about something that he didn’t like, then to hide it from him and have him find out from someone else, adding a lie to the disappointing behavior. So for future, remember that honesty is usually the best policy within intimate relationships. In fact, [i]honesty deepens intimacy.[/i]

But more importantly to me, is that you broke up with your boyfriend in August because he was acting like a stranger to you. What was that about? I think that that is where your problems began — and possibly will end. All this drama in between is possibly just a way for you to distract yourself from the real issue — that he lost interest in the relationship. If you do get past this present chaos, and you do decide you want to give it another try (which is possible — if you both want the same thing), the question remains, where is his head in all this? Was he really wanting to get out of the relationship, but not wanting to give up the sex or security “having a girlfriend and a home together” provided him?

It’s one thing for you to have standards, values and feelings, but in a relationship, both people have to want to make things work. If he’s not “in” then you’re going to have more chaos ahead of you.

I hope that helps.

[meesh83]

Thank you April,

By far the most thorough response I’ve received, and you’ve definitely given me some food for thought.

He really is in it and we’re planing on seeking some couples council ling to help to work on the issues we had that ultimately led to the breakup. (Communication, money management, sex etc…).

Just one thing… you say I shouldn’t say anything to the girl… but what if she’s hanging around his family a little too much? Should I tell her to back off? Or leave it be? I know I can trust him and I know he will avoid any situation where she is… but when’s the time to have her back off?

Thank you again! You’re the best!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words. It’s always nice to hear that I’ve helped! 🙂

As for your question about this other woman, your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, hanging around his family, I would strongly caution you not to intervene even if you don’t like it. You will be stepping into business that is not yours if you do.

Even though you’ve been dating your boyfriend for 6 years, and have been living together for 4, you’re still not officially family. You’re the girlfriend, and not the wife. If his family wants to entertain her or socialize with her, that’s between she and them. If she’s hanging around your boyfriend then that’s an issue between you and your boyfriend, not you and her. You should not confront her in any way, because you don’t have “authority” over what she does. She really is free to socialize with whomever she wants.

If you do start to tell her to back off, and she doesn’t, you’re going to find yourself even more frustrated and angry. This is something your boyfriend should handle, not you.

Hopefully, she won’t get what she wants by hanging out with his family — which would be your boyfriend — and will eventually go away because there’s nothing for her in time spent with his family. That’s the best case scenario. My guess is that she’s hanging out with his family because she either thinks she has a shot at him, still, or that she’s trying to get under your skin by rubbing your face in her presence. When she realizes she’s not going to get your boyfriend or your attention, she’ll go elsewhere.

I hope that helps!

[Ethan Morales]

The situation is messy because boundaries weren’t clearly set. Sleeping together while “broken up” creates a gray area where expectations clash. Technically, he didn’t cheat a breakup implies freedom but emotionally, you were invested and vulnerable, so it feels like betrayal. That’s valid.

April’s point about misplaced anger is spot-on. Going after the other woman won’t solve anything; she acted within her own freedom. The real issue is your boyfriend’s choices and whether he’s genuinely committed to the relationship now. If he’s not fully “in,” you’re just prolonging chaos.

The bigger problem here is honesty and communication. Both of you have secrets, and the lack of transparency has fueled distrust. That “mishap” you didn’t disclose before dating him shouldn’t have caused a meltdown, but it shows how fragile the trust already was. Without clear boundaries and full honesty, forgiveness will be superficial.

You need to ask yourself: can you move past this and trust him again? Forgiveness is only meaningful if you can stop obsessing over the past and rebuild trust otherwise, resentment will fester. Counseling could help, but only if both of you are fully committed to changing how you handle conflicts and boundaries.

Don’t misplace anger on the other woman, don’t ignore your feelings, and don’t continue if he’s not fully invested. Forgiveness is possible, but only if it’s paired with accountability, honesty, and a clear path forward. Otherwise, you’re setting yourself up for repeat heartbreak.

[Serena Vale]

Hey, I get why you’re so hurt. You trusted him, and even though you were broken up, you were still close and he lied about sleeping with someone else. That is betrayal, and your feelings are completely valid.

Whether you forgive him or not really depends on what you need. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, it means he has to earn back your trust, if you even want to give him that chance.

Don’t bother confronting the other girl, she’s not the one who owed you honesty. Focus on yourself and how you feel being with him now. If the trust feels broken beyond repair, it’s okay to walk away.

Take some time before deciding anything big. You’ve been through a lot, you deserve peace before anything else.

[Natalie Noah]

You’ve invested six years of your life, four years living together, and emotional energy into a relationship that suddenly feels unstable. The biggest issue here isn’t just the sex your boyfriend had while you were “broken up” it’s the breach of trust, the secrecy, and the lingering doubt about his intentions. While technically he was free to be with someone else during that time, the emotional entanglement you both maintained makes it feel like betrayal. Feeling cheated on is natural, even if the lines were blurred. Your emotional reaction is valid, and it reflects how important this relationship is to you.

At the same time, it seems like a lot of this situation stems from unresolved communication issues and unspoken expectations. The break up itself, though intended to give clarity, left both of you in a grey zone sleeping together but emotionally disconnected. That ambiguity fueled mistrust and complicated things further. Your desire for disclosure and honesty is completely reasonable, and his initial lying or withholding information understandably shakes your confidence in the relationship. The key question here is whether he’s genuinely committed to rebuilding trust and whether both of you are on the same page about boundaries and expectations moving forward.

As for forgiveness, it’s possible, but it must come with self-reflection and clear boundaries. Forgiveness doesn’t mean erasing the hurt or pretending nothing happened; it means deciding whether this relationship is truly what you want and can invest in moving forward. Before you commit to counseling or rebuilding, you need to assess whether he has taken responsibility fully, whether he respects your values, and whether you feel emotionally safe with him. The other woman, as frustrating as it is, isn’t the core problem. the focus needs to be on the dynamic between you and your boyfriend. Your healing, his accountability, and honest communication are what will determine if this relationship has a future or if it’s time to let go.

[Tara]

Your relationship has already rotted through, and you’re trying to negotiate with the corpse. Yes, you should feel cheated not because of technicalities, but because he lied straight to your face while still sleeping with you and exposing you to health risks.

That’s betrayal with a bow on it. And spare yourself the fantasy that he’s “not this type.” People reveal who they are when the pressure hits, and he showed you exactly what he’s made of: impulse, dishonesty, and zero respect for your wellbeing. And no, this isn’t some “typical guy breakup behavior.”

It’s cowardice dressed up as confusion. As for the other girl, don’t waste your breath, she’s irrelevant noise. Your issue is with the man who made promises to you, not the distraction he used.

The real problem is that you’re trying to figure out if you can “move past it” when the real question is why you’re even entertaining a future with someone who has already demonstrated he’ll lie, cheat, and risk your health without blinking. You don’t need counseling; you need self-respect. If I were you, I’d walk away without a dramatic speech, without warnings to anyone, without a single tear just a clean exit. Because the longer you stay, the more you teach him and yourself that your standards are negotiable. And they shouldn’t be.

[Sally]

Six years with someone builds a whole world, and when that world cracks, it never cracks in just one place it hits every memory, every plan, every version of the future you thought you had.

Let me walk through this gently, one piece at a time.
First: yes, you’re allowed to feel cheated on. You were still sleeping together. You asked him directly. He lied. And he put your health at risk. Breakup or not, that lie is the part that sticks in your chest, because it breaks the trust you’d been leaning on for years.

Second: is it forgivable? Maybe for some people, but forgiveness and staying are two different roads. You can forgive someone and still know you can’t rebuild a life with them. That doesn’t make you cold it makes you honest.

Third: no, this isn’t “typical guy breakup behavior.” This is someone avoiding their feelings by diving into whatever distracts them fastest. You were grieving the relationship; he was filling the silence. That’s not the same thing.

Fourth: don’t confront the girl. Seriously. She’s not your problem. If you focus on her, you’ll miss the real issue the man who made promises to you, not her. If he can’t protect what you two had, yelling at her won’t fix anything.

Fifth: how do you know if you can move past it? Sit with this question: do you feel safe with him now? Not loved, not nostalgic safe. Because if your stomach drops every time he leaves the room or touches his phone, that’s your answer.

And last what would I do? I’d breathe, and I’d tell myself the truth even if it hurts: the version of him you built your life around isn’t the version standing in front of you anymore. And once trust breaks this deeply, you spend the rest of the relationship trying to convince yourself you’re okay when you’re not.

Take your time. But don’t ignore the part of you that already knows this changed everything.

[Member]

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