[April Masini, your AskApril]

Emotions and feelings are wonderful, but they change and fade and blossom and go through all kinds of machinations within a relationship, normally. What’s important in long term relationships is compatibility and commitment. So if you can put your feelings aside and look at these two men and figure out with whom you are more compatible and therefore have a better chance of making a long term relationship work, then that’s the man you should be with. 🙂

It’s normal to have feelings for someone outside of your marriage or long term committed relationship, but it doesn’t meant you have to or should act on them. People walk by us all the time and we think they’re sexy or attractive, or we imagine what it would be like to be with them — and that doesn’t mean our marriage or relationship is in trouble. Behavior and respect are what hold relationships together over the long run.

If you’re honestly not ready for a long term committed relationship, and just want to date around, and cater to your feelings, that’s okay, too — as long as you don’t lead your boyfriend/s on to think you are doing otherwise.

So decide if you want one boyfriend or if you want to date a bunch of guys, and then act accordingly.

I hope that helps! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve asked a good question. Many women are used to being leaders and/or caretakers, so it’s often new behavior for them to “sit on their hands” and not volunteer to make arrangements or to even set up a date. So understand that what you are doing is a problem for many women.

Okay, not that you understand that, learn the bigger truth: If you don’t stop doing it, you will sabotage your relationship with this man. Men want to be “the man” in the relationship with their woman. They want to be the one who chases her, and who wins her. If you start making dates and inviting him to do things before he gets the chance to, you’re taking away a vital opportunity from him to feel good about himself as “the man” in the relationship who chases and gets the girl. How can he get you if you’re throwing yourself at him. So, you have to learn to respect your man enough to let him lead — even if it’s not as fast, as often or with the same style that you would employ. Let him be in charge of dating.

What that means is that you have to be “the girl” in the relationship and that means waiting to be asked out. You’re acting neurotic by worrying and obsessing too much about how things went, and how he feels, and if he’s going to do things the way you want them done. This isn’t attractive, and it’s not going to score you winning points with a man, so you have to learn to not act and not react. I know that’s going to be very difficult for you, but I guarantee you that it will be one of [i]the[/i] most valuable life skills you will ever acquire.

Like any practice, not reacting is going to take discipline and you will get many opportunities throughout the day to practice not reacting. If you feel uncomfortable, don’t do or say anything. Just sit in it. It’s okay to have feelings you don’t like. It’s part of life.

Use your nervous energy elsewhere. Work out or do some kind of physical exercise to put that energy to [i]good[/i] use. Have friends you can call up when you feel the need to call him and ask him out. Call your friends instead, and say, “Don’t let me call him. I’m calling you instead, because I’m really uncomfortable.” Talk it through with these friends, so you don’t have to call him. Stay busy with hobbies and other social events so you’re not sitting around waiting for the phone to ring. In fact, turn your phone off. (Gasp!)

Things seem to be going so well with this guy — don’t blow it. If you need some extra help, download my book, Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and read it this weekend, so you understand how to date successfully, and actually [i]get[/i] the guy you want. 😎

I hope that helps — please let me know how it goes. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to be a better girlfriend, then support your man. It’s that easy! 🙂

If you’re worried his female running partner is becoming competition for you, then step up your game, and [i]you[/i] start running with him! Or if you don’t want to run with him, go with him to the park or the track where he trains, and sit with a book and cheer him on as he does laps. Meet him after his run with a cold water. Wipe the sweat from his brow with a cloth. Bring him lunch. There are lots of ways to support him by running — or not running. But sitting home worrying isn’t going to help your relationship — especially when his female running partner may be interested in him and vice versa.

When he tells you he wants to go overseas to run in marathons, and his female running partner is going with him because you’ve defaulted on supporting him in these marathons, [i]you offer to go with him![/i] You can be his number one fan without being his running partner. Maybe if he feels more support from you, he won’t want the female running partner so much any more.

It’s one thing to be upset about a problem, but it’s another thing to do something about your feelings. And in answer to your question (How do I put aside negative thoughts and emotions and be a better girlfriend?), the answer is to get up and do something different than what you’ve been doing! It’s as simple as that.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gee, she sure doesn’t sound like a friend to me. Anyone who orders you around, dictates the terms of your relationship and then criticizes your clothes is someone you’d really be best without.

Rather than trying to get her to stop criticizing you, I think you need to move on. She’s not treating you like a friend or a boyfriend. You can do a lot better, but you have to value yourself, first. If you do, then someone who also values you will come into your life. But if you allow yourself to be treated like a doormat, then that’s how she’s going to continue to treat you.

It’s a shame to see you allowing someone who doesn’t respect you in your life.

If you feel like a good read, check out my book written for men who want to date smart, and get a great woman, called Date Out of Your League [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]. I think you’ll get a lot out of it at this time in your life. If you do buy and read it, let me know if it helps.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s fine to date Rodger, but just as you would with any man, date smart!! This means that just because you are dating him, especially since you’ve just ended a five year relationship and engagement, you should be dating the field as well, not just Rodger. If you do this, you can better insure that you’re not going to get into a rebound situation, and that you use dating to get to know yourself and the men you’re spending time with to make sure they are Mr. Right, and not someone you’re wasting your time (or theirs) with. So don’t replace your ex-boyfriend with the first man that comes along just because he’s there. Be discriminating so that you don’t wind up with the wrong guy again.

This is a perfect time for you to buy and read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women who want to find Mr. Right and get him. You probably need a little bit of a kick start refresher course in dating, since you just spent 5 years with Mr. Wrong! 😥 I would hate to see you waste all that time again. So download the book here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and you can read it this weekend.

As for Rodger liking sports on television and you not liking them, as a possible deal breaker — you’re jumping the gun. You haven’t even gone out on one date with this guy yet. Slow it down! It’s good to fill your time and be busy, especially now that you’re newly single, but don’t use dating the wrong guys to do that. Make sure that the men you date have the qualities you’re looking for in a long term relationship, and keep your eye on the ball instead of just dating because there’s nothing else to do.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What a beautiful photo….of your past.

Now, put up a big photo of you and your children and take that one down.

Doing the right thing is difficult, often. Don’t look back. Instead, keep your eye on the horizon and move forward. You’re going to be fine. Do the work. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Steve: Thank you so much for buying my books and for the good feedback on them. I always like to hear if and how my work has helped someone, so thanks for that, first of all! 🙂

Although you appear to project a guy who is even-tempered, thoughtful, and has done everything right and not really suffered any dings in your marriage and it’s divorce, as you write more, it appears you’re not being completely honest with yourself about the divorce, or how you’ve been hurt by it.

You were very hurt by your ex-wife leaving you, especially since you hadn’t done anything “wrong.” There was no cheating, no financial crises, no substance abuse and no workaholic behavior. She didn’t leave you because of anything you did. She left you because she didn’t want you any more. And while you pat yourself on the back for having had an amicable divorce, you haven’t allowed yourself to process the pain you’re suppressing from the rejection of your failed marriage. You have to remember that just because you rationalized the pregnancy that led to your marriage as taking steps backwards, she may not have had the same feelings. She may have felt that she was forced into the marriage, and while she behaved well within the marriage, she may not have wanted the marriage — bottom line, you really don’t know her feelings. Just her behavior.

The reason this hurt and these fears of yours are coming up now, is that you’re out there dating again, and you’ve found someone you’re beginning to commit to, you don’t want to fail in this relationship, so you’re wondering if this woman will also at some point down the line find that you’re not enough to keep her in the game, and will “amicably” walk out, as your ex-wife did. You don’t want to make the same mistake twice, and your inner flashing yellow light is on.

Rejection hurts. Allow yourself to feel and own the divorce rejection, and to talk about it so that it airs and has a chance to heal. What you did was suppress it, so that when your girlfriend poked fun at your failed marriage, she ripped open the scab and hurt you. If you can allow yourself to be deeply honest, and talk about your hurt and your fear of not being good enough for a woman — because that’s what happened in your marriage with one specific woman — you’ll be able to process the hurt, and the events that led up to what hurt you. This talk isn’t necessarily one you should have with your girlfriend. Talking to close family and friends who know you well, want the best for you, and will be as objective as they can, while still wanting the best for you, will be more helpful.

If you skip this step, it will come up again some other time. And each time it comes up, and you feel hurt, it’s a signal that you need to attend to this wound. But each time you do process and attend to it, you’re going to feel a little bit better, if only because you’re accepting that this wound is now part of who you are, and knowing who you are is always the key to finding someone compatible to your true you for a successful relationship.

Be aware that your current girlfriend doesn’t have the experience of having gone through a failed marriage, and she was cavalier about joking about yours. She may not have the life experience, maturity or sensitivity you are seeking. On the other hand, the problem may be that you just haven’t processed your divorce enough to be with someone who jokes about things. Regardless, this event has created an opportunity for you to go deeper within yourself — and with her (rather than retreat to your corner of the ring) to find out her feelings about this, and your own about hers. When a single parent dates and re-marries, their new spouse doesn’t have to have “matching luggage” in the emotional baggage aspect of life, but it helps. If you girlfriend is not going to be able to be empathetic to your divorce, your custody, or being a stepmother, you’re in for a rocky road.

It’s wonderful that you’re finding so many dates, but your job is to weed through them, and not allow anyone in if they’re not holding the compatibility ticket. At 3 months of dating it is appropriate for you to get to this kind of deeper level of screening in your dating.

So in answer to your question, should you slow things down on this 3 month relationship you are questioning right now, the answer is YES! Screen this woman you’re dating, and be scrupulous and do diligence. Just because she says things, doesn’t end the discussion. You need to see that this woman can walk the walk, as well as talk the talk. Value yourself in this relationship and don’t settle. You’re not just choosing a mate for yourself, you’re choosing a stepmother for your girl. So, date differently than last time around. I know it’s not romantic, but you have a child, and you may be picking her stepmother. Date for 2 — not just yourself! 😉

Your confidence will truly return, when you begin to accept your true self, at all your levels, and become comfortable that even though you’re wounded, even though you have a failed marriage, even though you’re hoping and doing everything you can this time around to choose someone wisely who will not find you to be not enough to stay, you are still full of wonderful qualities that make you a great father and a great boyfriend and husband to be. When you understand your limits and your assets, and know that you are valuable with both of those things, then you will feel confident.

I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that your 2 marriages did not work out. Your life is not over, by a long shot, and you absolutely can find love and marriage with Mr. Right at age 40 and beyond. I promise. But first, you have to look at where things went wrong, so that you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them next time.

First of all, you need to take responsibility for yourself. Your 2 children from other relationships make it even [i]more[/i] important that you take responsibility regardless of who you date, marry, or divorce, so don’t blame your husband for decisions [i]you[/i] made and agreed to, regarding your job or your home. It sounds like he preyed on you, as someone with abandonment issues who he knew would give him everything as long as he promised (or appeared) to stay with you. Those abandonment issues are going to do you in if you don’t let them go. The past is what it is, and just because a guy walks out on you (father, husband or boyfriend) doesn’t mean you can’t be okay by yourself. You can. And lots of women do and are. In fact, since you were a working single mother with a home and a mortgage, I’d say you were doing way better than okay — only you didn’t seem to get the memo on that one! 😉

You spend a lot of time in your post talking about how you allowed Craig to put himself first. You tacitly agreed to that, and now the marriage is paying the price. I’m not sure I ever once heard you write that you’d said no to him. That was a mistake. When you’re a single mother you have to put your children first as long as they are minors. You can’t put your stability at jeopardy. While you say that you became afraid of his paying off his debts first, and yours second, even though he was unemployed, and you were employed and a mother of 2 children, your fear was a warning signal that something wasn’t right. The reason for the fierce fight that ensued, was because he knew you were right and were about to challenge him — he left you because he wasn’t getting his way. This is not the behavior of a mature man. Or a good husband. Sorry, but it’s true. 🙁

For you to say that Craig required complete transluency in your finances, but you only knew the basics about his was your fault. You need to be responsible for your finances as a mother to 2 minor children. I know it’s hard to do, but it’s important. In fact, when you start dating (and you will), Mr. Right doesn’t pass your test unless his finances are disclosed, and you both feel that you can make a relationship work given your respective and combining finances. I know it’s not romantic, but you have children, and you can’t afford to be anything but careful with those kids and bringing someone into their life who is not just loving, but responsible.

And finally, most telling is that Craig refused to sleep in your home to punish you, and instead was sleeping in his car, and trying to make you feel guilty about his problems. That was manipulative on his part, and again, not mature or nourishing of a relationship or a family. That he’s now run back to his mother, is no surprise, since he’s acting like a total baby. What better place for a baby to live than with mommy? And did you ever watch little kids fight? They blame everything that they don’t want to take responsibility for, on each other. Well, that’s what Craig is doing. He’s blaming you for his failures in the marriage.

It’s time for you to get a divorce pronto, because as long as you’re married, his debts become your debts, so stop the clock on a bad situation, and file in your local courthouse immediately, and get help on serving him out of state with divorce papers. See a lawyer today.

As for your heart, your marriage vows are your marriage vows, and if you want to honor them when your husband isn’t, a life of misery will be yours. My advice is to get divorced, be single, and when you’ve gotten your ducks in a row, buy my book called Think & Date Like A Man, so you can understand how to not waste your time with someone who doesn’t value you, and to learn to be the grand prize that a man will honor, love and respect — and thank his lucky stars every day that you’re in his life and that he’s won you! It will happen. But you have to date smart, and look for someone who is compatible with you (and your being a mother), and who passes your tests that measure the kind of man you know to make you happy — and I think you’ll admit that you’ve learned that you need someone very stable who’s not going to bolt or act immature when the chips are down, because throughout life, chips go down.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you need to take care of business to end this very bad marriage now, and then you’ve got a bright future ahead of you.

I promise! 🙂

Please take care, and let m know how things go.

I think you got duped by a guy who talked the talk, but didn’t walk the walk. Next time, do things differently.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes to all three of your questions!

“Do I give him more time to figure things out? Move on with my life? or just go with the flow?”

Yes. Yes. Yes.

What happened is that you were your boyfriend’s rebound girlfriend after his separation. Since it took 2 years for the divorce to be finalized, he’s now realizing he’s truly divorced. His marriage failed, and it is over. This can be very emotional for some people. It just depends on the person and how they process divorce.

It’s understandable that when you met, and he was separated 18 months from his wife, he was thrilled to be “back in the saddle again” so to speak. The whirlwind romance was not just about you — it was about him realizing he’s not dead after divorce, he’s very much alive and enjoying his life with this wonderful woman — you!

But now that he’s finally divorced, and free to remarry, he’s now seriously considering his options. And it sounds like he’s definitely uncertain.

So if you take all that seriously, the best measures for you to take are to move on with your life. Just because he’s at a standstill or in a rut, doesn’t mean you have to be. He moved out, and that’s a big step backwards. You can’t take care of him — he’s not your husband — so, you have to take care of [i]yourself. [/i]

Be open to dating other guys, since this guy has just given you good reason to believe he’s not going to be Mr. Right for you, and if he wants to date you, and you want to date him, that’s great. But he’s not showing signs of compatibility or stability right now, and it’s time for you to start playing the field so that you don’t waste your time with someone who after 18 months of your valuable time, isn’t sure of things with you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, since you have 2 children with your boyfriend, he and his mother are now going to be in your life forever as the father and grandmother of your children, so to think you can [i]not[/i] marry him and not move in with him, when that’s what he wants, while at the same time, making things better after 5 years — is wishful thinking. 😕

You have to make some decisions and stick to them if you want to alleviate this drama that you’re a part of with your boyfriend, his ex-girlfriend and his mother.

First of all, since he cheated on you 5 years ago, and you’ve taken him back and had children with him since then, you have to let it go. It’s old. You’ve already made your decision to get back together with him 5 years ago. Don’t keep dredging up drama to keep the two of you apart.

Second, since he wants to marry you and move in with you, and you already have 2 children together, I’d strongly suggest you accept his proposal (first), get married (second) and move in together (third). You can’t stay in limbo by dating him, not accepting his marriage proposal, and then expecting him not to see other women. It’s not realistic on your part. Make it a small, easy wedding — a Christmas wedding would be great fun! And move in together over the holidays.

Third, the relationship his mother has with the ex-girlfriend is inappropriate and designed to sabotage your relationship with your boyfriend, but it’s not for you to get involved with. It’s your boyfriend’s business. Once you accept his marriage proposal, he needs to be the one to explain to his mother that it’s disrespectful of his impending marriage for her to foster a relationship with his ex-girlfriend. You need to stay on good behavior, and keep your boundaries clear and clean so you don’t become a drama queen in this problem.

But frankly, if your boyfriend wants a wife, and you’re not willing to marry him, he and his mother have every right to try to find him a wife. So you can’t have it both ways — decide what you want from your boyfriend, and act on it. That’s going to make your life a lot clearer and more peaceful.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dear Matthew:

I think your best friend does like you, but since you’ve never really transitioned from just friends (albeit best friends) to romantic dates, you’re having a hard time gauging where you stand, and you want to stand elsewhere than where you are!

The best way for you to know whether or not she’s interested in you as anything more than her male best friend, is to ask her out on a date, and make a move to take things one step further towards romance, and away from friendship. That move could be holding hands or it could be kissing. But whatever it is, you’re ready for that next step, and at 15, you’re just the right age to experiment with dating.

While it may be noble of you to express your true feelings and tell her you want to marry her, the reality is that at 15, she’s looking for a boyfriend to spend “boyfriend” time with — not just “best friend” time with. So step up your game, and ask her to do something that’s different than what you’ve normally done. For instance, tell her you’d like to take her on a date to dinner and the movies — or whatever a special picnic and a hike — and ask her if she’d like to go on Saturday. Then pick her up at her house, bring her a flower to start the date and differentiate it from any other get together you two have had in the past, and treat her like a potential girlfriend — not just a friend.

Let me know how things go. I’m wishing you luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is not a horrible situation, but it’s a challenging one that calls for every ounce of maturity you can muster. Your boyfriend is committed to serving his country and that’s extremely admirable. He’s trying his best to do the right thing by you, too. The real question here is: [i]What is going to be right for you?[/i]

Because he’s going to be away for 3 years in Afghanistan and Australia, your relationship is going to change — one way or the other. He loves you, and wants to be with you for the next 6 months until he’s deployed. But he isn’t ready for a commitment where he proposes marriage before he leaves, to seal the deal. In fact, he’s not even ready to say this is going to be a rocky 3 year long distance relationship. Therefore, he’s cutting you free.

Unfortunately, you can’t read his mind or know the future 😉 which would be very helpful right about now! It’s entirely possible he will realize he’s made a mistake 3 months or a year out — but then again….he may realize it was right to end things when he did. I don’t know — but more importantly, [i]neither does he! [/i] Therefore, you really have nothing else to go on right now, but the fact that he’s breaking up with you — in 6 months.

I think that unless he does propose to you before he leaves, you have to take him at his word. As much as that hurts right now, whatever clarity the two of you have before he leaves will help you a lot — even if it’s painful. He’s making a commitment to his service and he’s not ready to make one to you. That’s the bottom line.

As for the next six months, it’s going to be very hard for you to be in a relationship that has no clear future. Up until now, you’ve always believed he was Mr. Right. Now, he’s giving you reason to believe he’s not. But it is true — he may change his mind and the question is, will you still be there when he does. He’s probably going through a swirl of emotions, and is trying not to be confused and to do what he thinks is the right thing regarding his relationship with you. He’s a tough guy, and tough guys make tough decisions.

If you want to campaign for more of what you’ve got with him, don’t use your words. Instead, show him what he’s going to miss, and make these last six months together something he’s really going to miss — and long for. 😎 Rejection and break ups hold no candle to [i]regrets for actions not taken[/i], so make sure you’ve done all that’s in your power to show him how you feel about him — but don’t open your mouth and say something you may regret (like, Let’s get married.) But if you’re not sure that this kind of life is something you can stomach, then take the rejection and throw yourself into the [i]very well timed[/i] 2 year graduate school program you’re enrolled in.

So, either make the break now, because you don’t want to stomach the next 6 months knowing that the final goodbye is coming, or use these 6 months as an investment in your relationship to campaign for a change, knowing you may not get it, but that if you don’t give it a shot, you’ll always regret not having done so.

Good luck, and let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s good to think “outside the box” sometimes, and when you’re in the relationship, it’s often hard to see what others can see.

I’m glad I’ve helped, and I hope you’ll keep in touch and let me know how things work out.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes hearing what you don’t want to hear, is exactly what you need to hear. 😕

For some reason you seem attached to someone who really isn’t enhancing your life. If you realize that you need to be happy and satisfied in order to be a good partner in a relationship, then you’ll instinctively look for someone to date who makes you feel that way — naturally. When you both have some common interests and enjoy the life you have created together, then you’re dating smart.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know that that’s the best thing for you with no downside, so good luck, and please do let me know how it goes. 😀

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