[April Masini, your AskApril]

No, it is not a good idea for you to ask him out, and here’s why: Men, instinctively, like to be the one who chases a woman and when he gets her, feels great about having won a prize for his chase. The prize, in case you haven’t figured it out already, is you. 😎 If you take the opportunity for him to chase you away from him, you’ve taken away an instinctive pleasure that this man has.

In addition, you get to find out if the guy really likes you enough to invest in a relationship if he asks you out. It really saves time in the long run. If he’s not even interested enough to ask you out on a date, then he’s definitely not interested in investing in a relationship, so let him ask you.

Now, you’re probably wondering how you get him to ask you out. No worries — here’s the answer! 🙂

Make it clear that you like him by flirting with him. He’ll get the message that you like him, and the confidence from your special attention that you’re into him, and he’ll get his own motor running enough to make the first move –asking you on a date.

My book, Think & Date Like A Man, written for women, is a GREAT tool for you since you’re re-entering the dating world. It’s a quick read, and you can finish it this weekend and download it today. You’ll learn all about the dynamics that work in dating, and tips and advice for dating smart and successfully.

I hope you’ll get it because I think it’s going to make this new phase in your life a lot more pleasurable. Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url].

Good luck! 😀 Let me know how it goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like she does like you. 🙂

You both had a nice night together, and there’s no reason you’ve written to think otherwise, so I hope you’ll ask her out on a date when you move closer to her in January. It’s really not that far off.

Good luck! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi and welcome! We are happy to have you join us.

Would you please try registering again and see if you have been luck the second time around? No one (until you) has ever had a problem, thus is must just be a weird one time thing….

Here’s where you want to post your question:
https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1

Click on “New Topic” on the left side and you should be able to follow the directions from there.

Thanks!

April

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t worry about what other people say. If you do, you’re going to be spending ALL your time analyzing gossip and not doing anything productive in your life! 😉

If you ask her out, you’ll know if she wants to date you. If you don’t ask her out, you’ll never know for sure. And if you’re looking for excuses not to ask her out, there are a million of them out there. What her friends say to her, to each other, to their mothers and cousins — who cares? You shouldn’t.

I’ll tell you one thing — women respect and desire guys who are confident and gracefully aggressive. If you can learn to be that guy you’re going to get a lot of girls that you want in the future! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Chatter sure is right. Rather than judge someone’s maturity, accept who they are right now. Potential isn’t a great thing to rely on in a relationship, and if someone doesn’t want marriage and kids, and you do, your compatibility is going to be low. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like things aren’t working out with your current boyfriend, and it would be good for you if you could accept that, and understand your true value in life. You should really be with someone who is compatible, and with whom fighting is not the norm.

However, you shouldn’t stay with someone just to have a boyfriend! If you’re looking for this new guy to save you from your situation, and to allow you to jump from one man to another, be careful that you don’t have an underlying problem of not being able to be alone! That problem will lead you into a string of bad relationships! 😥

My advice to you is to break up with your current boyfriend, since things don’t seem to be going well. I know you will be hurt because you had some good times with this guy, but it’s really best for you and your own future. Then while you’re single, flirt away with the new guy, and if he asks you out, great! Go for it! But while you’re single, also focus on yourself and your own interests so that you can enjoy the company of a man, but not be solely dependent on it.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your ex-fiance is carrying out his historical pattern of upending good relationships, and ironically, that seems to be the one thing you can count on with him. If he really wanted to marry you during the 2 1/2 years you’ve been together, living together, and engaged, he would’ve, but the engagement was just his way of placing a marker on you without committing all the way.

I’m pretty sure you know all this, but you may need to hear it again.

In answer to your questions, while he may come back to you, possibly after subsequently upending a good relationship “up north” where he’s going, he will probably upend his relationship to you once again, since he has a history of doing this. So my advice is to let him go, and grieve the good times, but know you will find a more stable love in your future with another man. I know that’s hard to hear right now, but since your son is almost old enough to graduate high school and go off to college, you’re going to be facing a lot of freedom when that happens, and a lot of space to make a wonderful and committed romance happen with a[i] true[/i] Mr. [b]Lifelong[/b] Right! 🙂

Hoping for absence making the heart grow fonder won’t work for this guy because he’s capable of committing for several years, but then he bolts. So absence making the heart grow fonder isn’t really your friend in this situation. He’s very capable of becoming fond of you again, and of missing you — what he can’t do is stay. You shouldn’t encourage him to come back. If he does, it has to be his own independent decision. What he’s doing to you by ending the relationship to move up north where he will probably reconnect with the old friend you speak of, and date other women, as well, is too final and traumatic for you to allow yourself into a yo yo situation. In fact, he’s not just going “up north” because he hates the state you’re both living in, and to help his younger brother and sister with their own drama. He’s going back to his family of origin — the one where the drug addicted parents passed him around to be raised, when he was a child. He’s going back to get involved in more family drama, which is what he grew up with and is used to, and away from the stable life you and he created together. His personal issues are trumping anything you want or need in a man. 😥

For your son’s sake, it would be nice if you and your ex can be friends since your son was close with him, but what is more important is that you are stable, so if you can’t be stable when seeing your ex again, or seeing him knowing he’s dating, then wait. Your son will be resilient and understand.

So for now, sell the house, downsize, and spend those last two precious years raising your teenager before he launches to a life of independence, and at the same time frees you to start the next round of your own adventure in life! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a pickle. 😕 Your boyfriend is putting his private phone calls ahead of your concerns about his fidelity to you.

My only suggestion is to take a different tact when you discuss his secret phone calls and the phone calls you pick up where there are only “breathers” on the other line. Rather than tell him that what he’s doing is inappropriate, and acting like you’re the arbiter of what is right and what is wrong, you can tell him how it makes you feel, instead. You can tell him how vulnerable you feel, and what your fears are.

He may respond a lot better to you being soft and vulnerable than to you being adamant, shrill and “right”.

In addition, if he truly is homesick for his family and friends, something you can do to help with his problem that may avert his phone calls from old friends, is to build your social life together, here. Have parties at your home. Invite lots of men and women that you both like, and start building a home for him here.

If his family is at all able to travel, invite his family members to visit you during the holidays or at any other time, so that you can, again, build his life for him here, so he doesn’t need those other phone calls from far away, that make you so uncomfortable.

I hope that helps — please let me know. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you are writing to me as if you’ve written to me before. ❓ If you have, for future, please attach any new posts to the old posts you are referring to, so I don’t have to try and guess which of thousands of posts previously written was yours!

However, given your latest post on it’s own, my suggestion is that if you want to change your social life, and be successful at it, you should do it organically, which, again, requires you to try things that you may never have done, but would like to do. If joining a gym is something you’ve always wanted to do, but never had time or inclination to do, then that would be a great way to do something interesting for yourself and allow you to meet other people at the same time. The same is true of joining a political or charity group that gathers to support that specific group’s cause. That would be another way of doing something that you may have been interested in in the past, but never had time or inclination to get involved with.

You may also find that internet dating allows you to quickly find people with your “unsociable” activities 😆 and that may be a place for you to start with other women.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your girlfriend is trying to break up with you, and she’s not doing it very gracefully. When people can’t express their feelings articulately, they act out. Your girlfriend is picking fights, and having another guy spend the night, so she can instigate a break up without actually telling you that’s what she wants to do.

My advice to you is not to waste any more time with someone who isn’t acting like she wants to be your girlfriend. If you don’t call this what it is, she’s only going to bring more drama into the relationship in order to get you to break up with her.

I hope this helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You were dating the wrong guy, were engaged to the wrong guy, lived with the wrong guy, left the wrong guy, went back to the wrong guy, married the wrong guy, and are now miserable as you’ve always been with him. So the question is, why are you doing this over and over?

It’s not really about his behavior. The question is that knowing what you’ve known about him, why are you with him over the course of 8 years?

If you are being truthful, that your biggest concern is that you provide stability for your 2 teenagers from another relationship, then my advice to you is to commit to this marriage until your teenagers are no longer minors. What this is going to require is that you commit to this marriage which you so badly wanted, and got, for better or for worse.

You need to start taking responsibility for yourself in this relationship. Stop making yourself out to be the victim. You’re not a victim. You campaigned for this marriage and you got it. Now make it work.

Instead of not bothering to check his pay stubs, get involved in your family finances, if that’s what you want to do. But do it from a place of caring for the family’s future, not from one of blame.

Take responsibility for making yourself sexually desirable for him and for your part in spicing things up in the bedroom. Getting your sex life back on track will really help.

If you’re overweight, start working out and watch what you eat. You’ll feel a lot better if your physical body is in good shape — or even if you’re [i]moving towards[/i] a goal of health.

If he doesn’t want you to work and you want a job, and are able to handle juggling raising your kids, caring for your husband and home, and working at the same time, then consider part time work as an interim compromise, and discuss it with him — again, from a place of caring for your relationship with him, and explaining that if you work, you’ll feel better about yourself and about contributing to the family coffer, and ultimately, that will make you feel better about things between the two of you!

These are just a few suggestions, but basically, you have to start looking at the glass as half full and at all the good that you do have in your life that is contributing to the stability you are providing for your teenagers.

I hope that helps, and please let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real question here is how do you let go of this drama?

The answer is that it’s all about your behavior. Here are the steps to take, and if you take them, you will have some peace in your life.

1. Don’t talk about her.

2. Don’t write her. This means letters, e-mails, texts, and instant messages.

3. Don’t talk to her. Get an answering machine with caller ID, and only take calls that have displayed numbers. Don’t pick up any other calls. And do not pick up her calls. If she leaves a message on your machine or answering service, erase it without listening to it.

4. Don’t see her. If she’s in a room where you find yourself, leave.

5. If you have thoughts about her, write them down in a journal and leave them there. If you can avoid writing them down, even better.

That should pretty much do it.

As for closure, you’ve already broken up, and that was your closure. Everytime you invoke her name you lessen that closure. Let her go. It’s all on you.

You can do it — but you have to [b]do it. [/b] 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Why settle for someone with whom you have nothing in common? Why not try to find someone who has those qualities you look for in a wife AND who has things in common with you and isn’t a complainer or extremely moody?

I don’t see a reason for you to continue dating this young woman. Sorry! I think you can do a lot better. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Please re-read my posts above, and take the advice, because what you are doing is sabotaging yourself in this relationship. 🙁

In addition to “Do not ask men on dates,” the other rule for you is “Do not call men to ‘check in’ on them.” When you did this, you took away his opportunity to call you, and you also diminished your value as the prize that this guy would want to chase. 😐

There is no [i]“obvious need for closure”[/i] if he doesn’t call you again. 🙄 If he doesn’t call you, [b]that’s[/b] your closure. Why you need this closure, is mysterious — unless of course you aren’t accepting reality.

Be in the present and understand that if he wants you, he’ll call you. If he doesn’t, he won’t. And in the meantime, again, work on your ability to not react to every little thing and not to be impulsive, and to date the field so that you can use up some of that nervous energy on building your future with men, rather than sabotaging it.

I hope that this post is the one that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think I answered your questions at the bottom of your first post pretty clearly. I’m not sure that you’re looking for advice any more. 😕

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