[italiacs]

When I was 19 I married a boy. We were still kids… it only lasted months even though we had dated for years. I was so broken about how miserably I had failed in this I promised I wouldn’t marry again until I knew for sure I could stand before God and really know I was sure. I have had long term relationsips since… 9 years… and 7 years… I have two gorgeous little girls 10 and 6… I met my husband in 07… instantly in sync… instant chemistry … the first night he told me “don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you… I will make you love me” and two months in he told me “i am going to make you my wife”… We prayed together…head over heels in love. He moved in… and then he took a job in Houston… so hard… but I loved him so we agreed I would sell my house and quit my job ( of 13 yrs) and move to Houston- He proposed… then two weeks prior to the wedding said he couldn’t uproot the girls & I and was quitting his job and coming back to Atlanta and he did… The night before our wedding his mother says to me… Craig has Icewater that flows through his veins… I had no idea how true this was…
We had family days…we had family meetings… Craig claimed his place as the “head” saying “us first” and he would only be first in my life … then my kids.. then my family…etc… Though he has two degrees Craig couldn’t find work… the economy was in a horrible state after the election and things got worse.. .we started to fight one particular fight was about money and his “plan” for our finances ( he was unemployed at the time) and that we would “pay off his debts first since he had less debt than me and then go to paying off my debt”… April I have been burned before in doing far too much for others… I have a mortgage and two children… this plan didn’t sit well with me… I was afraid”……BAM!… fierce fight with this and Craig said he wanted a divorce- packed and left us… My girls were devastated and I was beyond that… I waited 22 years to love this fully to stand before God … How could this be… Craig required COMPLETE translucency in everything in my finances… yet I knew only the basics about his. HE says he was sleeping in his car and that was my fault …he quit his job and that was the ultimate sacrifice and I was ungrateful … I was so destroyed… I have abandonment issues …he knew this … He knew this would be the untimate betrayal… My father walked out on me… my daughters father… etc… I cried, i pleaded I begged… I am ashamed at how I begged… we went to counselors… and he wouldn’t listen to anything they said… he thought he was intellectually superior in some way and when the counselor challenged him or asked “why would you rather sleep in your car than go home to your family who is hurting without you and further why would you blame your wife for this?” he went into a rage and that was the last session. Now he has gone to stay with his mother in Ohio… Says it is my fault we are a mess and our love is failing because I didn’t “get over” his walking out soon enough that no normal human cries for four months… April… everything I believed our marriage our love was — seemed a lie… how could the man that preached agape love to me have turned and walked out on us… on me. … Says I ruined his life… his career… he slept in his car and I couldn’t get over it and deal with my “dramotional” feelings to save our marriage … That I shouldn’t fool myself … anyone that wants to be with me will have to “turn off the lights” ….
I am 40 — we were only married six months when he walked out… he has now been gone since the end of March. …
I took my vows so seriously… I feel like I failed my children, God… My husband…Have I failed so miserably that I don’t deserve love in this life? should I have “submitted” to his plan… should I have not asked him to be a help mate ( in not working I asked that he help out at least around the house as I was working full time and still racing home to cook/clean etc… while he had been at ahome all day…. seemed like he was so resentful he had just “unplugged”) he said HOW DARE YOU say I don’t give… I gave up my job for you……
help me April… I desperately need some perspective.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry that your 2 marriages did not work out. Your life is not over, by a long shot, and you absolutely can find love and marriage with Mr. Right at age 40 and beyond. I promise. But first, you have to look at where things went wrong, so that you can learn from your mistakes and not repeat them next time.

First of all, you need to take responsibility for yourself. Your 2 children from other relationships make it even [i]more[/i] important that you take responsibility regardless of who you date, marry, or divorce, so don’t blame your husband for decisions [i]you[/i] made and agreed to, regarding your job or your home. It sounds like he preyed on you, as someone with abandonment issues who he knew would give him everything as long as he promised (or appeared) to stay with you. Those abandonment issues are going to do you in if you don’t let them go. The past is what it is, and just because a guy walks out on you (father, husband or boyfriend) doesn’t mean you can’t be okay by yourself. You can. And lots of women do and are. In fact, since you were a working single mother with a home and a mortgage, I’d say you were doing way better than okay — only you didn’t seem to get the memo on that one! 😉

You spend a lot of time in your post talking about how you allowed Craig to put himself first. You tacitly agreed to that, and now the marriage is paying the price. I’m not sure I ever once heard you write that you’d said no to him. That was a mistake. When you’re a single mother you have to put your children first as long as they are minors. You can’t put your stability at jeopardy. While you say that you became afraid of his paying off his debts first, and yours second, even though he was unemployed, and you were employed and a mother of 2 children, your fear was a warning signal that something wasn’t right. The reason for the fierce fight that ensued, was because he knew you were right and were about to challenge him — he left you because he wasn’t getting his way. This is not the behavior of a mature man. Or a good husband. Sorry, but it’s true. 🙁

For you to say that Craig required complete transluency in your finances, but you only knew the basics about his was your fault. You need to be responsible for your finances as a mother to 2 minor children. I know it’s hard to do, but it’s important. In fact, when you start dating (and you will), Mr. Right doesn’t pass your test unless his finances are disclosed, and you both feel that you can make a relationship work given your respective and combining finances. I know it’s not romantic, but you have children, and you can’t afford to be anything but careful with those kids and bringing someone into their life who is not just loving, but responsible.

And finally, most telling is that Craig refused to sleep in your home to punish you, and instead was sleeping in his car, and trying to make you feel guilty about his problems. That was manipulative on his part, and again, not mature or nourishing of a relationship or a family. That he’s now run back to his mother, is no surprise, since he’s acting like a total baby. What better place for a baby to live than with mommy? And did you ever watch little kids fight? They blame everything that they don’t want to take responsibility for, on each other. Well, that’s what Craig is doing. He’s blaming you for his failures in the marriage.

It’s time for you to get a divorce pronto, because as long as you’re married, his debts become your debts, so stop the clock on a bad situation, and file in your local courthouse immediately, and get help on serving him out of state with divorce papers. See a lawyer today.

As for your heart, your marriage vows are your marriage vows, and if you want to honor them when your husband isn’t, a life of misery will be yours. My advice is to get divorced, be single, and when you’ve gotten your ducks in a row, buy my book called Think & Date Like A Man, so you can understand how to not waste your time with someone who doesn’t value you, and to learn to be the grand prize that a man will honor, love and respect — and thank his lucky stars every day that you’re in his life and that he’s won you! It will happen. But you have to date smart, and look for someone who is compatible with you (and your being a mother), and who passes your tests that measure the kind of man you know to make you happy — and I think you’ll admit that you’ve learned that you need someone very stable who’s not going to bolt or act immature when the chips are down, because throughout life, chips go down.

I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but you need to take care of business to end this very bad marriage now, and then you’ve got a bright future ahead of you.

I promise! 🙂

Please take care, and let m know how things go.

I think you got duped by a guy who talked the talk, but didn’t walk the walk. Next time, do things differently.

[Anonymous]

[img]https://www.geocities.com/italykitty/smallwhites31.jpg[/img]
intellectually I know what you are saying is true…
emotionally I am struggling – any day I wake up and am not hit with an immediate sense of loss and grief and emptiness… failure… is a good day… I mourn the good… because the flip side was so immensely good… loving, funny… so completely opposite of the “angry side” of him… My girls used to say babo do your preacher man… and he would stop what he was doing and go say prayers…

letting go is hard.
but I know I can not heal unless I do.

Your response- your words made a difference in my day.
so Thank you …. very much…

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What a beautiful photo….of your past.

Now, put up a big photo of you and your children and take that one down.

Doing the right thing is difficult, often. Don’t look back. Instead, keep your eye on the horizon and move forward. You’re going to be fine. Do the work. 😀

[Member]

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