[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you asked me not to comment on whether or not you should stay with this man, I won’t! 🙂

But I will tell you that your concerns are not unfounded, and I don’t think you’re overanalyzing things. I think that you are getting ready to get married, and deciding if this man, or any many you date, is a good match for that mutual goal, is smart dating.

What I would advise you on, is to focus on yourself, and to be realistic about him. It is very hard to change other people. People change themselves because they want to. And in couples both people have their own timelines and “clocks”. In other words, both people do what they think is right (for them and/or for the their partner) when they think it is right. Sometimes these timelines and clocks coincide, and sometimes they don’t. When there’s a big margin of difference, there can be conflict. When there’s a smaller margin of difference of when things happen, there’s less conflict.

So when your boyfriend is doing martial arts twice a week, you may not feel that’s enough for him, but for him, that’s what he’s ready to commit to at this time. See what I mean?

Marriage and long term relationships that are healthy are like Venn Diagrams where each person is a circle and where the two circles meet there is either a lot in common or a little in common and everything that is outside the common area of the two circles, is the individuals’ responsibility.

I hope that helps and that I’ve stayed within the bounds of your question! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Although you didn’t say it, I’m surmising from your post that you’re having a full fledged affair with a boyfriend who is married, as are you.

Your boyfriend will not leave his wife. In fact, his reason he gave you for marrying her is that he wants stability in his life and he doesn’t want to abandon his stepson the way the boy’s father has. Listen to what he’s saying. He’s telling you out and out that he wants to keep his family intact. Your fear that you will be just an affair on the side, even if you do leave your husband for your boyfriend, is well founded, and you are right. You will only be a mistress to him if you stay in your marriage or leave it.

Since I’m sensing that you don’t want to be, as you called it, “just a bit on the side,” then the advice I have for you is very clear: Stop seeing your boyfriend and focus on your marriage and family. Growing apart from your husband for 3 of the 6 years you’ve been married is not a deal breaker in marriage. What it does mean is that you’ve left space in your marriage for distractions like this old crush, who’s now become your boyfriend. My suggestion is that you close that space and work on your marriage. It sounds like you have a good man and a child at stake in the mix and no commitment from the boyfriend, so the math is pretty clear. Your best outcome is to stay and work on your marriage.

Lots of people don’t understand that marriage is actually hard work, and that if you don’t do the work, your relationship will become weakened and susceptible to outside influences. It’s very normal to grow bored or to grow apart. It’s also very normal to try and reconnect with your spouse.

I’ve written two books called Romantic Date Ideas [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url] and Fun Date Ideas[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/ideas-for-a-fun-date.html[/url] for couples who are either dating or in committed relationships who want to amp up their time spent together. I think you could use that in your marriage.

I hope that helps. Let me know how things go! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Check out my book called Romantic Date Ideas that I’ve written for couples. You can get it here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url], and see if any of the date ideas listed will spark your sex life. [i]If you can get him more interested in sex by doing your work [b]outside[/b] of the bedroom, so that he’s anxious to get [b]into[/b][/i] [i]the bedroom, you’ll be a lot happier.[/i]

So, while what I’m asking you to do is to take responsibility for sex — I’m only asking you to take responsibility for [i]your[/i] part in it. In other words, I’d like [i]you[/i] to try spicing up what happens outside of the bedroom, so that when you get there, he’ll not only take on his part of the responsibility, [i]he’ll want to[/i].

Re-think your own image of what sexy is, and treat yourself to some new lingerie, a new haircut, or whatever you need to give yourself that boost of sexual confidence that all of us need after 2 years to switch things up! If you think he’s lazy, try giving him something to get excited about.

Let me know if that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not all that complicated. 🙂

This guy likes you and wants to date you. But he has a girlfriend “at home” who he is on again off again with. Students who are new to college naturally straddle two worlds — their dorm life home and their home town home. So it’s kind of natural to have a double life as a college student.

That said, I think it’s fair to bring up what you’d heard — that he has a girlfriend at home — next time the two of you have coffee or dinner together. Ask him what the deal is. He may not know you know, or else he may not be thinking about it yet, since things haven’t quite progressed to the first date with a kiss at the door stage with you — or, it may not even be true.

But, by no means should you give up on him. It sounds like the beginning of romance, and getting to know him and know if he’s compatible and available is what dating is all about. By getting to know him — and what the deal is with this girlfriend — you’re finding out if he is someone you want to give your heart to, so remember that dating is what you do in order to have fun, but also to find out about the other person, and yourself.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Break ups don’t have to be angry and bitter. They can be two people who love each other, but want different things in life sadly and lovingly parting ways. The 5 1/2 years you were together brought you to this point where you know that marriage is important to you — important enough to end a relationship with someone who is wonderful, but doesn’t want marriage, so you can allow yourself the space to find someone who is wonderful and [i]does[/i] want marriage.

Most break ups employ anger, harsh words and bad behavior because the people in the relationship (or at least one of them) are not mature enough to accept the differences, feel the sadness for the loss of the good in the other person, and understand that there is no happy future together. So they act out by cheating, mistreating and instigating inorganic fights in order to do what they aren’t mature enough to do: say goodbye to someone they love who is not right for them.

Once you do break up, expect to grieve your loss — and keep your eye on the future and what’s important to you. You have a bright future, and you will find it, but you have to take responsibility for guiding yourself there. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s particularly hard for someone who usually gets the results they want from hard work, to not be able to get the results they want from a relationship. 🙁

You’ve done everything right here — and so has he. The problem is that you’re not compatible on the issue of marriage. He is not wrong to admit he’s not ready for marriage at age 27. You are not wrong to admit you are ready for marriage at 27.

It really doesn’t sound like the distance is the problem here. It sounds like you have a genuine incompatibility issue that is going to be a deal breaker. 😥

You are correct to ask the question, “If he hasn’t figured out that he wants marriage with you after a 5 1/2 year relationship, when will it happen?” And you know the answer — you just don’t like it. The reality is you don’t know when he’ll be ready for marriage, and neither does he.

I don’t think you should ask him to move in with you. First of all, I’m not sure he will. If he really wanted that, he could have asked you that himself. Second of all, if marriage is important to you, and he’s pretty clear he doesn’t know if he wants to get married, and you’ve already taken a stab at living together that was successful, and he’s still on the fence, there’s a good chance you may end up living together and not married — or living together with things not working out.

I do think that since this is your last year of graduate school, after which you will begin a career in your town, this is a good time to amicably break up because your have different goals in life. His suggestion of a temporary break is just his way of sugar coating a break up for both you — and himself. The reality is that this is a full fledged break up. But this next time around, at age 27, with your education out of the way, and your career and a fresh start in front of you, I want you to date smart, and that means learning through dating who is compatible with you and not wasting your time with anyone who isn’t.

I’m sorry for your problems, but I think if you can get past this break up, your life is going to be fabulous and you will find love that is even better than this because both you and the man in your life will have the same goals and direction in life. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your one main question in your entire post was, “I just expect some respect and acknowledgement for being there, is that too much to ask?”

Answer: YES! It is too much for you to ask from a man who is clearly mentally ill and/or drug addicted. I’m not a medical doctor, but it seems very, very clear that your boyfriend is not well. That’s why he’s blowing hot and cold. He’s not stable — either from mental illness and/or substance abuse. He’s definitely cheating on you, doing drugs, and he’s not going to ever treat you the way a boyfriend should treat a girlfriend.

You’ve documented this so well in your post, that the real question I’d like to ask you is: Why on earth are you with him? 🙁

Your self esteem is really damaged if you think this guy values or respects you. My advice to you is to stop seeing your boyfriend immediately. Break it off, and quit communicating with him. ❗ He’s going to create chaos and drama as a result, but you have to stay steady and keep your boundaries up. Ask your family to help you. Once he’s out of your life….

…then, the hard work begins! 😉 You have to work on yourself. This starts with basics. You need to eat well, sleep well, exercise, do your job, see HEALTHY friends regularly. Make sure you have a good haircut, wear makeup, have some great clothes to wear when you go out, and join some volunteer groups or political groups, or other activities that you’ve always been interested in, but didn’t have time for, so that you can begin to grow, nurture yourself, and meet other people who are living the same HEALTHY lifestyle.

Your problem isn’t really this guy, who is so clearly a loser. Your problem is you. Until you begin to value yourself and your time, no one else will. So start today!

And let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, you definitely could be accused of overdoing it in that last missive to your friend, but what’s more important is that while you hold honesty to be your policy, I’m pretty sure you’re not ready for her honesty!

When a woman ignores you, it usually means she isn’t interested. It has nothing to do with whether she is a nice person or not, or a caring person or not, or a generous person or not. In fact, if a woman acted effusive with you, when the truth is she wasn’t that interested in you, while you may think she’s just being nice, the reality is she’s not. She’s being dishonest and is setting you up for a crash, later.

And guess what? This goes for men as well as women. 🙂

Your friend has come on luke warm to you through all your pursuits online, so my suggestion is either to give it a try in person by calling her up and asking her out, or letting the whole thing go because she’s shown she’s just not that interested in you.

I’d also caution you against using Facebook or the internet in general, as a means for all your information and communication about this girl. Electronic media is a great way to communicate, but when it’s the only way 2 people in a relationship communicate, ironically, there can be a lot left out, and a lot of miscommunication. So go for some face to face time.

As a general practice, my advice to you is that just because you have a thought does not mean you should express it to the other person. Part of successful dating requires empathy for what the other person in the relationship is interested in. If you find you can’t hold back what you’re thinking and have a need to express it, keep a diary or a journal to write your thoughts in. You may be a great guy, but when you overanalyze out loud, you may very well lose the person you’re trying to entice.

In fact, if you look back at your “transcript” of your e-mail and text conversations with this girl, you did best with her, in that you got nice reactions from her, when you were brief, upbeat and positive. When you overwrote or said something negative about a mutual friend, the reactions you got from her were less than rewarding.

I hope that helps. Good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry about your bad break up after an engagement, a pregnancy that ended in miscarriage and some car repossessions. Wow. That’s a lot to happen within 2 years. I’m not so sure you’re hurt by the break up, as much as you are by all the life that seems to have descended on you like a heavy storm. It’s no wonder you’re looking for peace, comfort and love — but you’re looking in the wrong place. Your ex-boyfriend is not where you’re going to find what you’re looking for. And the more you stalk him, the worse things are going to get for you. I’m sorry to have to tell you that, but you really need to take a big break from your ex and find some peace and happiness elsewhere. 🙁

Just because you are not over the relationship, doesn’t mean he isn’t. In fact, it seems that he’s moving on, in spite of talking to you now and then and texting you while he’s also texting other women. I’m sorry to tell you that that’s really not a commitment or even strong interest. While you’re tending towards him, he’s clearly tending away from you.

He’s not picking up his belongings at your house because he doesn’t want to see you. When he’s asked you to take them to a friend’s house, that’s a really clear sign that he doesn’t want to see you. So I’d suggest you do what he asks, or just tell him that his items will be on the curb in a box on such and such a time and date, and after that day, you’re going to throw them out, so that if he wants to have someone pick them up he can. You need to stop holding on to his things, thinking that that will somehow bring him back.

When he tells you he wants time apart — he means it. But when you end up going to his mother’s house (where he is living) and calling his mother, even if just to talk about her illnesses, you’re pretty much borderline stalking him. His mother was correct when she told you that the Christmas presents you bought the family (It’s only October!!) are a matter between you and him. My suggestion is that you return the items to the store, give them to other people, or donate them to a charity or hospital that collects gifts for unfortunate people during the holiday season. You have to let go of these Christmas gifts because they aren’t going to bring you back your boyfriend.

It was a mistake for you to invite him to your Halloween party if you can’t handle him bringing a date, since you know there’s at least a 50 percent chance of that happening. Don’t bring up the party again, and prepare yourself for his being there with a date — or more likely, not at all.

I know that you still love him, but he’s not returning the feelings. You have to accept reality. He’s over you. It’s time for you to move on, and start dating other people. I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but if you continue doing what you’re doing, things are going to get worse, and dramatic. Nothing good will come of your continuing to pursue your ex when he doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’s trying to be nice to you right now, but eventually he will become so angry and upset that you’re not leaving him alone, that he’s going to lash out at you and never want to see you again.

Take a breath, and understand that this break up is going to hurt — it’s supposed to hurt. But the hurt[i] will[/i] end. In the meantime, I want you to invite lots of wonderful, eligible, single men to your Halloween party, for you, and to come up with a fabulous costume that will leave everyone thinking how great you are, and who they know to fix you up with! You will find love with someone else — as soon as you let go of your ex. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you admit that your husband slept with a co-worker, then yes, that is cheating. Technically. Unfortunately, you kicked him out during the time he cheated, so you played a part in the scenario.

The bigger question for you is what’s going on in your marriage that you would kick your husband out. That’s really what needs to be addressed, more than the cheating issue. In fact, it almost sounds like you’re looking for a reason to be angry at him again by asking if he committed adultery, which is really just a small part of what appears to be a bigger problem.

Feel free to let me know more about your marital problems in case I can help you. And in the mean time, you have 9 months to figure out whether or not you want to stay married to your husband if his married co-worker’s baby is his, or if that’s your line in the sand.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s hard to tell from what you’ve revealed, what’s really going on.

How did you ruin his business? And how were you obsessive enough for him to break up with you?

How long were you dating before the breakup?

From what you meagerly describe, above, it does sound like he isn’t physically attracted to you as much as he once was. It’s hard to tell from the little you’ve written whether he’s still upset about what transpired between you two that led to the break up, or whether there may be someone else in his life, as well as you.

It’s also hard to tell if when he said your physical appearance was just “ok”, it was because that’s what he really felt or because you were fishing so hard for compliments that he was turned off by your desire to appreciated.

So, let me know more, and I can help you better. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Move on with the new guy. Your ex is your past. Let him go — completely for now.

Your ex has made it very clear that he doesn’t want a relationship. The two of you have both held on to each other by remaining “friends” and sleeping with each other on occasion. While that numbs the pain of a break up, it makes moving on with someone else difficult. That’s what you’re experiencing. In addition to which, your ex doesn’t want you to move on because he wants you the way he’s been having you lately — as a friend and bed partner, without any commitment. He knows that he will lose you completely to this new guy if you move on, but he’s not going to step up to the plate and tell you he wants you himself, so he’s going to tease you with “I love you” that’s phony baloney to try and keep you from finding happiness with another man. So see things for what they are: You’ve got a great guy who wants you, and a guy from your past who doesn’t want you, but tries to make it so you can’t move on to another guy.

Now it’s time for [b][i]you[/i][/b] to step it up, and make things right. That break up that should have happened a long time ago, needs to happen now. No more ex boyfriend in your life except for rare occasions when you both happen to be invited to the same event. If you don’t do this, you’re going to jeopardize your new relationship — and any future relationship where your ex is in the background.

It’s normal to have feelings of sentiment and even longing for an old ex, but just because you have them doesn’t mean you act on them. Maturity means not acting on every impulse or emotion you have. Sometimes, you just have to let thoughts be. How you behave and live your life is what defines it.

There’s a great, kind of old movie, called Broadcast News where a woman is love with a co-worker, and another man in her life will do anything to sabotage that relationship. You can see in the movie how she’s torn between being loyal to the new boyfriend or the old friend. While the old friend isn’t an ex, he is in love with her, can’t have her, and will make sure no one else does, either. Don’t be her!

Put all your effort and energy into the man who wants all of you and will give you all of himself in exchange. You deserve that! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Not good enough. That you’re hanging on to this guy because he says he doesn’t want to live in the country you do, permanently — but that [i]he may change his mind[/i] — is not good enough for a woman like you — that is, one with self esteem and value. 🙂 He’s trying to dangle a carrot in front of you to keep you in the game, and it’s been working, but I’m here to tell you that a carrot is just not good enough!

Picture this scenario. You marry this guy because “he may change his mind” about this deal breaker — living in America — and you have a couple of children. You go back to Iran for a visit — where he begins divorce proceedings. You’re trapped, as are your children. Or….you marry this guy for the same reason, and you stay here, but he decides that he wants to divorce because he’d rather go back to Iran. Now, you’re divorced, knowing that this had been a possibility before you even married the guy. The American courts here possibly give your husband visitation for the summer with the kids, with permission for him to take them to visit grandparents and aunts and uncles in Iran. Worse case is that he petitions the court in Iran for full custody of the children so they live with him. Or he doesn’t do anything nefarious, but your children, who love their father, come to love Iran, and they move there because they want to be with their father and his family. Or you re-marry and the kids hate your new husband (or boyfriend) and they want to go live with their father in Iran.

I know this is a lot of forward thinking, but that’s what dating is really for: to see if this man is someone you want a future with.

Now, as for your concern that you won’t find anyone else, it’s just not so. If you want someone who is Iranian, educated and kind with good character, who is okay with no pre-marital sex, then you should start making yourself available in areas where you will find this kind of man. Big cities that have good mixes of ethnicities will no doubt have Iranian enclaves. Join organizations and groups with Iranian causes or traditions as their motives. Join a religious center that supports Iranian culture. In other words, if you want an Iranian man, don’t go to Sweden to look for one! (Although for all I know, there may be an Iranian community in Sweden, and if there is — THAT’S where you should be if you happen to live in Sweden!)

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go.

Sorry for the horror scenarios, but you really have to protect yourself — [i]while[/i] at the same time, balancing protection with putting yourself out there and making yourself available to men who may be Mr. Right. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome, and I’m so glad you’re here.

Please feel free to post any questions or thoughts in regard to other peoples’ relationships in the Q&A forum.

See you there! 🙂

[Member]

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