[April Masini, your AskApril]

Of course, you can stay out of his life! It’s easy. All you have to do is say, “no.” ❗ Just because he comes to your house to hang out with your brother doesn’t mean you have to contribute to their conversations. In fact, you could leave the room if he’s there. And if he asks you for advice, just because he asks, doesn’t mean you have to give it to him. You see, you’re part of this dynamic, right now, and you don’t have to be. You can take responsibility for your own actions. So, if he asks for your advice, you can just tell him you’d rather not be involved. Or that he’d be better off asking someone else for advice. It’s that simple.

If you can learn to be responsible for your own boundaries, which means saying no, and not participating in something just because someone asks you to, at your age, when you get older, you’re going to be very skilled at life! 😛

Whether you think this guy deserves better or not — well, that’s none of your business. Your opinion doesn’t belong in his life. His feelings for his 14 year old friend, are his business. No one else’s. (Unless of course he’s 21 or older.) Your opinion is also self-serving, meaning it serves you, since you like him, to tell him that he deserves better than the girl he likes. So don’t say it. Really — just don’t! 🙁

The best thing you can do for yourself (and everyone else), is to step away from the drama, and move on to look for other boys to like, who will like you back the same way! If they like someone else, don’t tell them they’re wrong in their opinions. Just take the information, as it affects YOU, and move on to find someone who does like you. He’s out there! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m so happy you’re here, and welcome! I’m going to answer your question, but next time, please post in the Q&A forum! 🙂

My first piece of advice to you is to cut yourself a break. Losing your job is [i]a big blow[/i] — especially to a man. 🙁 Financial stress can affect your emotional, sexual and physical health and relationships. So, understand that if you weren’t having these issues and feeling lost, you wouldn’t be normal right now.

The fact that you’re having trouble communicating these stresses with your girlfriend is also normal for men. So, again, [i]cut yourself some slack.[/i]

Understand that your girlfriend is probably stressed and anxious that you’ve lost your job, and not just because of the financial worries. She’s also picking up on your anxiety and it’s alike a common cold that people who are close to each other catch and reinfect each other with. I can imagine the emotional tenor in your house isn’t very upbeat. Understandable. 😐

So here’s what I advise. Allow yourself to be in “a relationship that is not developing” as you put it — for now. Once you get back in the work force, you’re going to feel a lot better about yourself, and the whole world. But for now, put your focus on your own health and career. Eat well, sleep well, and exercise. The exercise will help you get rid of some of the negative results stress induces on the body. If you can manage it, have sex with your girlfriend, even if you don’t feel like you want to. It’s going to be good for your well being, so just do it.

A schedule will be your friend right now. Even if you don’t feel like eating breakfast, eat it. If you don’t want to shower and go to the gym, do it. You need to break the cycle of depression before it gets it’s clutches in you. Staying active and consistent with what you can will combat that. Sometimes people have to power on automatic pilot when there is a crises in the family, and losing your job is that crisis. So just walk through it — but get to the other side.

Once you’re working again, I guarantee, you’re going to feel better about your girlfriend and yourself. You’re not lost, you just took a hit to your person with your job loss. Take care of that business, and you won’t feel lost.

I hope that helps. Please let me know how things go. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a tough pinch. Your boyfriend is right that your family has come before your relationship. You have a 7 year old together, and a 12 year old with anger issues (and teenage hormones! 😕 ) from a previous relationship. It would be unrealistic to think you’re going to have smooth sailing along the way.

I know you’re fearful of losing him, but my advice to you is to allow yourself to have that fear because it’s a realistic possibility, but not to be paralyzed by it. You have a lot of juggling to do, so get ready to keep the balls in the air! 😉

First of all, take advantage of any custody schedule you have with your daughter’s father. I’m assuming he at least takes his daughter to his house every other weekend. On those weekends, arrange for a sleepover for your 7 year old son with a friend or family member so you and your boyfriend can have some alone time to try and get your relationship back on track. If you can’t find someone to host your son for an overnight, get a babysitter to come into your home for the night, and you and your boyfriend take a hotel room for the night! 😎

Sex isn’t everything, but it really helps cement a relationship, and in your case, I think it would be really great for both your boyfriend and you. I can only imagine the stress you’re under.

In addition to those every other weekend night trysts with your boyfriend, start giving him little bits of attention. Make sure to greet him when he comes home. It’s such a small gesture, but even if you leave your kids crying for 30 seconds to walk over to him as he comes home and hug and kiss him, he will get the message that he’s important.

You need to try and get a little spark back into your sexual and romantic life, and believe me, I know this is a tall order with tough kids and ex-spouses, but consider it your job, so do it well 🙂

Your boyfriend may go hot and cold, but that doesn’t mean you have to. You need to be the rock in the family, so take care of yourself, find your sense of humor in all of this, try and make dinner dates for you and your husband (without the kids) with other couples in similar situations so you can rant, hear stories worse than your own, and get support.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but you’re just friends. Nothing more.

The boy you like likes someone else, and you should butt out. I know that’s harsh truth, but you need to hear it before you create drama that backfires on you. This boy is right when he says he knows who he loves and that’s all that matters — it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of the girl he likes or the fact that he likes her. It’s his business, and no one else’s. Relationships work best when there are only 2 people in them. You don’t belong in his relationship with this other girl.

As for you liking him, he already knows you like him because your friend told him so. In fact, he probably knows because you like being with him, and he can tell. So, I don’t think you should tell him. I mean, what’s the point? If he wanted to date you, he would. But he’s interested in someone else. Telling him you like him is only going to set yourself up for more rejection.

Rejection happens all the time in life, and it’s actually a gift. I know it’s hard for you to see it that way, but if you’re smart, you’ll start looking for other boys to like — boys who are actually available to you, and like you back. I’d stop hanging around with this friend of your brother’s because it’s just going to create hurt for you. You’ll be much happier without him in your life so much, and you’ll forget all about this boy the minute someone else you like pops up in your life! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forgiveness and understanding are your friends right now. Embrace them. 🙂

Your girlfriend did not cheat on you. You basically dumped her after 3 years to do some “soul searching” — whatever that means. It doesn’t matter that you seemed to find your answers a week later, and got back together with her again. [i]During that one week, she was single[/i][i] — because you made her single.[/i] You are just as responsible as she is for the situation you’ve put yourself in.

That she lied to you about sleeping with someone during the week you were broken up is really just a white lie. The reason I forgive this lie is because she doesn’t lie to you normally. There’s no evidence she’s lied to you before. And most importantly, it was none of your business if she slept with someone during that week. You had no right to ask her whether she did or not, and she had no obligation to tell you.

If what you’re looking for now is an excuse not to propose to her after 6 years together, there’s nothing I can say to stop you. I would never advise any woman to stay with a guy for as long as she has without a ring and a wedding date! So consider yourself fortunate and blessed that you still have her.

My advice to you is to man up and understand the position you put her in, and offer your apology for that, and your forgiveness for her white lie to you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Focus on you and your needs. The only way you can be in a successful relationship is if you are honest about who you are, and what you want and need in a relationship. I think you’ve already done that part. The next step is that once you know what you need to be happy in romance, then [b]that’s[/b] what you go for!

Think about it this way. If you were a vegetarian, you wouldn’t go to the store and say, gosh, that steak really looks fresh, so I’ll buy it. That would leave you with nothing to eat! You should’ve passed the steak, even if it looked good, and moved on to the produce aisle where you could choose from what you need.

Same goes for dating. Your love interest has already told you she’s not ready for a relationship with you. So, why not respect what she says, and more importantly, respect yourself? If she’s not interested in a relationship with you right now, whether for good reasons or made up, rotten reasons, then she’s not appropriate or compatible for you because you want someone who can commit to you.

As much as you like her, you’re never going to feel secure or satisfied because she won’t give herself to you. So, accept the rejection as a gift. She’s respected you enough to not want you to waste your time with her. Now, you give yourself the same respect she gave you! Don’t waste your time with her any more.

Move on. There’s a woman out there who’s right for you — she’s not the one.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you! Do the work! [b][i]You[/i][/b] deserve it. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, go get a physical and explain what’s going on to your medical doctor. Since this is new behavior, you may have a new hormone imbalance or some other medical reason for your short fuse. So, rule out your health as a reason for your snapping.

After you do that, and if you find that this is all emotional, and not physical, you’ve got to figure out what’s really going on, because what you’re describing aren’t primary reasons for your anger — especially if things have been fine for 2 years.

I can only begin to guess at possible reasons you might be upset. Are you angry that he hasn’t proposed marriage after 2 years? Are you upset about something going on in your own life — like your work, your weight, your family — or something else that is upsetting you, and rather than deal with that problem directly, you’re misdirecting that anger on your boyfriend?

I’m sorry I can’t help more, but I can tell you that your problems have to do with something other than what you’ve been able to tell me here. Dig deeper. And let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re going to be fine, and that you’re going to try and work on your reaction times to other people’s behavior. Good for you! 🙂

You’re right that there is a lot of “hanging out” that obliterates the lines of dating rules, but that doesn’t mean you have to be complicit in them! You can maintain your own boundaries, and not act like you’re on a date, until you are on one. If a man asks you to “hang out” you, can say no. It is part of your vocabulary. If he really wants you, and you’re still flirtatious and alluring to him, without accepting his offer to hang out, my guess is he’s going to try a little harder to win you over, and try something else. And after all, isn’t that the kind of guy you want in the long run, anyway? Someone who won’t stop at no, but will try something different, if at first he doesn’t succeed? 😎

Just because hanging out is the norm, doesn’t mean it has to be [b][i]your[/i][/b] norm. The beauty of life is that you get to craft your own. So, raise the bar! Trust me — when great men see you like them, but you’re not going to hang out, what they think is that they’ve got someone who’s a classy woman who has [i]standards[/i], and this makes them want you more. Men are proud when they are able to get a woman they think is that discerning.

Also, people rush because they haven’t planned well. Crunch time doesn’t have to happen if you date smart. There is no “clutch date” if you only date men who are potential Mr. Rights, and don’t waste your time (or theirs) with Mr. Right Nows.

Consider my book, Think & Date Like A Man, if you want to learn more about this. And in the mean time, good luck! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, he does like this other girl, and he’s probably dating her, or close to dating her if he isn’t already. I’m sorry because I know that will hurt your feelings, but it’s better to know the truth and make adjustments in your own life, than not know and live in a fantasy that will eventually crash and burn.

The reality is that you’ve only been with your boyfriend for 2 months, which isn’t very long in the scheme of things. In addition, the long distance component makes it difficult to maintain a relationship. And then to top it off, you’re both in college which is when dating and meeting new people is easily facilitated by university lifestyles.

So, long story short, this probably won’t last, and you’d be wise to understand that, and appreciate that you really haven’t wasted much time with him. It’s not really his fault, as much as your relationship is a casualty of long distance and college life. These things happen. It isn’t you. And….it isn’t him.

I hope you’ll get back in the game and start looking around for your next boyfriend — this time, on campus! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The answer to your question is: No, you will not be able to regain your trust with this man. You’ve already given the relationship a chance for over 4 years off and on, and you know you shouldn’t be with him. You know he lies to you. He’s just using you, and you are never going to mean enough to him so that he wants you to be anything more than a filler girlfriend or someone he sees in addition to the women he cheats on you with.

Sorry — I know that’s harsh, but after 4 years with this guy, you really need to hear this.

The real question is why you want to be with someone who lies and cheats. Your self esteem is so low that you would settle for giving yourself to a man who will never love you more than other women, and who will never be loyal to you.

My suggestion is that you stop dating this guy, and really put your focus on you. You need to do work on yourself before you can be in a relationship with anyone!

My book, Think & Date Like A Man, will help you build your self esteem because it provides real reasons why you need to value yourself enough to be the prize that a man will want so much so, that he’ll play the dating game to win you. If you don’t value yourself, no one else will. And, ironically, the more you value yourself, the more you will attract men who value you, too. Get the book here, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and start reading now. By Monday, you’ll be in a better place to start thinking about what you want in a man, and how to get it.

I hope this helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Falling in love with chocolate truffles will probably bring you a lot less relationship drama than if you were having problems with a woman! 😉

In fact those chocolates [url]https://www.normanloveconfections.com/[/url] are probably the reason you don’t have any relationship problems with women!

Women don’t like sharing their men, but if your only love is truffles, I bet you’ll be able to find a woman who will allow you to keep this paramour on the side. 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So glad you wrote me before you did anything!!

This guy asked you to go with him to a band competition — YES!! That’s a date!! He’s asked you out on a date. I know it’s not dinner and a movie, but since you’re both in college, and you’re both in the marching band, and he wants to take you back home to see his high school marching band compete, this is a date. My guess is that there will be some kind of dinner or bite to eat in a restaurant together, afterwards. (Do not pick up the check.) I’m also guessing he is going to introduce you to his old friends at the competition as if you are his date — not just someone he high fives.

In addition to which (BONUS!!) he asked you out for Halloween, which is a BIG date night. 😎

So, I know it’s difficult, but you have to keep sitting on your hands, and DO NOT under any circumstances, ask him why he hasn’t asked you out on a date. 👿 You must not do that. If you even try to use the dialogue you listed below, you’ll be throwing a wet blanket all over any self esteem he has as a guy. You’d basically be telling him he’s not doing his job. And that is not going to make him feel good about being with you in a romantic situation. You have to let him be the guy, even if he’s slower than you would like. He’s doing everything right. He’s just doing it slower than you want him to be doing it, but, truthfully, It’s all playing out within the range of what is a normal time scheme. I promise. 🙂

So, get my book, and take a look at it because there are lots of tips and advice that will help you through this relationship (which [i]is[/i] blooming — if you’d only let it). Use the date to take things up a notch with your behavior. Take the flirting up a notch. Be extra seductive and alluring. I know it’s a band competition and not dinner at a candlelit restaurant, but romance is where you find it, and where you make it. So nurture yours. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t ask men out! 😮

I know you have anxiety issues and it’s hard for you to do nothing, but you have to be “the girl” in the situation when it comes to dating if you want this to work out. If he invites you out to dinner, and you want to offer to cook at your place instead, that’s fine. But let him be the guy and do the chasing. This guy knows what he’s doing, and he’s moving the relationship along at a very normal pace — he likes you, and you can know this because he asks you out. If you start doing the asking, and get a rejection like you did, you end up not knowing what’s going on. Whereas, if you let him do the asking, you’ll know if he’s into you or not because he’s asked you out (or hasn’t).

In addition to which, men want to do the chasing. If you take that away from him, by asking him out, you’ll appear less attractive to him. He wants to chase a fabulous prize that will not be too easy to get! So, don’t make it easy for him — he doesn’t want you to! 😎

The real issue here isn’t this guy, though. And it’s not even the relationship. What’s really important is your anxiety and impatience. Neither of these are helpful in a relationship, and you’d be wise to focus on them. Here are some tips for you to use when you’re feeling anxious about a guy (or anything):

Don’t react. I know it’s really hard to do nothing, but it’s essential. Sit in it. Even if you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge your discomfort and just breathe through it.

Focus on something else. If you start feeling anxiety and impatience about a situation, like a relationship or a guy’s feelings about you, go to the gym and work out. Or garden. Or shop. The idea here is that you can have that nervous energy, but don’t apply it to the guy or the relationship. Apply it somewhere else — and watch how quickly your taxes get done, or your bathroom gets cleaned! 😆

Play the numbers game in dating. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you’re understandably going to be extra anxious about what the one guy you’re dating is thinking. However, if you date smart, and make sure you’re getting up to bat numerous times, you’re more likely to hit one out of the park. So don’t start committing to some guy after 3 dates or even 6 dates. Have other men in your life that you are interested in, and/or dating so that you aren’t sitting home alone, wondering if he’ll call and making yourself crazy.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re absolutely justified in feeling uncomfortable about your wife sleeping in her ex-husband’s bed when she visits the children at his home. It’s wrong for her to do that to you — but it also confuses the children. All children of divorce want their mother and father to get back together. It’s a fantasy they hold even when they are old enough to understand their parents have remarried other people. So when she sleeps in their father’s bad, even if he’s not in it, it sends a confusing message to the children that is not healthy for them.

If you trust her, then a perfect solution is that she sleeps on the couch! Or the sofa bed. Or a borrowed futon. Or even a sleeping bag. Depending on how often she visits and how long she stays when she visits, she could also stay in the kids’ bedrooms. And that’s just what’s in the house! There’s always a hotel or a neighbor who is willing to put her up there while she visits.

And, as jtrias2002 suggests, below, you could always travel with her to see your stepchildren. While that scenario may present awkward situations, there are many ways to modify it. You and your wife can stay in a hotel at night, and she can see the kids during the day. The kids may even want to stay in the hotel with you two, depending on their ages, because it’s a big treat for kids to stay in a hotel with room service and the hotel pool.

Regardless of what you two decide, the bottom line is that it is wrong for your wife to sleep in her ex-husband’s bed, and that there are many different adjustments she can make in order to still visit her children while sleeping elsewhere.

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