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April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYou’re not an idiot, but you do have low self esteem. That’s the only way you’d settle for being (at least) the second guy in this woman’s life. Sorry, but it just doesn’t add up that this woman who is not married to her boyfriend and who has no children with him or anyone else, and who has a good job with a decent salary, would stay with her boyfriend if she really feels so strongly about you. The nonsense about her telling you she’s not having sex with her boyfriend and sleeps in a separate bed from him is laughable. Sorry. But that’s usually what guys tell women they’re cheating with — that the wife is frigid and they don’t sleep together. Guaranteed she sleeps with him and they have sex.
If she felt strongly about you, she’d move out. She could move in with relatives, get a roommate situation or find a cheap place to live. $28,000 a year is not nothing, and it is possible to get a place to live on on that annual salary. Lots of people do. It’s not going to be luxurious or plush, but at least it will be honest.
You’re fooling yourself by calling her your “closest friend.” Real friends don’t treat each other the way she’s treating you — like second best.
My advice to you is to tell her you’re breaking up until she moves out of her boyfriend’s home and breaks up with him, and just see how fast that happens! (Hint: You’ll be able to take a very long nap. It’s not going to happen.)
My concern is that you’re not the only one she’s cheating with.
But most importantly, why would you devalue yourself so much you don’t insist on being the only man in a woman’s life? That’s really the most important question and the crux of this whole situation.
Until you are able to consider yourself worthwhile of a woman who will commit her whole self to you, you’re going to end up as second, third and fourth best to women. So man up, and get your act together. This relationship is going nowhere good. It’s time for you to move on.
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYou have to balance chasing this woman — with throwing yourself at her! ๐ “Nice guys” who are always there for a woman don’t get womens’ respect, and get walked on. So, you don’t want to chase her to the extent that you look desperate. Or too available. It’s a tricky balance, but once you get it, it’ll be like the same balance you have when riding a bike. It will stay with you.
When you ask about how much space to give this woman, the real question is how much space do you allow her to take up in your life! In other words, while you’re chasing her, you also have to make yourself appear not too available. If you ask her out for every day in the week, you’re going to look pathetic and like you’d do anything to get her. The truth is, strong, independent, successful women want to feel like they’re getting a real winner in a guy. You’ve got a college education, a full time job, you’re attractive and the sex between the two of you is good. Now, balance the chase with your own value as a great guy.
It’s all in my book — and a chapter a night will lead you right up to success! I promise.
Date Out of Your League
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterI’m not sure what you mean, when you ask me if your having a nice talk with this guy, is “a good sign”? I’ll try to be very clear with you again: This guy is unsure what he wants in a relationship. He likes you, but he can’t give you a stable commitment right now.
So, if you want to hang out with him, date him, have sex with him, and not get anything stable in return, then you’re on the right track.
๐ If you want a strong, committed romance with someone, he’s not your guy. At least right now.When I told you to cool it with him, it was meant as advice that would allow him time and space to figure out what’s going on with him, and for you to date other men, too, so you can decide if you want a committed long term relationship, or just some fun with someone who’s only there for you when he’s able to be (emotionally, I mean).
I strongly recommend you buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man,
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] I hope this helps!
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterIn relationships, it’s healthy to have outside sources of support, so when you say your partner sought outside counsel for a problem he was having, I’m not sure why you’re jealous. It’s unrealistic to think you or your partner can be everything to each other in a long term relationship. So you might do well to relax your ideals of what you mean to each other. You can still have a healthy commitment and have friends you go to for advice or input on issues. As for your partner’s saved letters from old boyfriends, he’s keeping them because they have sentimental value. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and feel committed to you. Unless he’s reading them aloud every night, I wouldn’t worry about it. You chose a man who has a past — and frankly, most adults do! — so it’s pretty normal for him to want to save some mementos from old relationships, as long as they’re in a box in the closet or the attic or the garage. I’d worry if he was framing old boyfriend letters and putting them on the nightstand next to the bed!
๐ But since it doesn’t sound like that’s the case, there must be something else bothering you that you haven’t mentioned to me here.I hope this helps. Let me know how things go.
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterYou got it! ๐ Take responsibility for what you want and don’t want in a relationship, and you’ll find you’re going to get better results. Let me know how things go.April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterFirst of all, you have to re-think your role, as the guy, in the relationship. That’s going to help a lot. It’s my theory that relationships work best when men do the chasing, and women give them something to chase. When that doesn’t happen, all kinds of problems occur within the relationship. I think that’s what you’re seeing. You don’t like chasing her. You want her to give you a tacit commitment by texting multiple times a day (like your old girlfriends that you claim were too needy), and to be okay with your spending every weekend at her place. I’m sorry to tell you it’s not going to happen. I know you say you’re tired of being the one to initiate texts, but you’re the guy, and this is a new relationship. She’s not being rude by not responding — she’s dating smart, and evaluating the relationship as it goes. If you want a woman who is independent, you’ve got one! She knows it’s your job to do the initiating. I don’t think [i]you[/i] got the memo, however.๐ Your showing up drunk at her apartment and crashing was rude and took advantage of her good nature. You’re still new in the relationship, and it was wrong for you to assume it was okay for you to show up and crash, drunk. She probably didn’t talk to you the next day, because she was conflicted about her feelings. This was a flashing yellow light in the relationship for her. She doesn’t feel committed to you enough to tell you your behavior was bad. She’s just not going to give you as much of her time as a result. I’m pretty sure she’s still figuring out if this relationship is working for her.
When she didn’t text you for 4 days, but said everything was cool, clearly, it wasn’t. She isn’t the type of woman who’s going to complain to you, but she will change her behavior if she doesn’t like how things are going, and that’s what she did. You won’t get drama with this woman, but you’re not getting a full on commitment, either, so if you want one, you have to change your strategy.
I strongly suggest you check out my book called Date Out of Your League, written for men who want a woman, and aren’t quite sure how to get her. You can get the book here at this link.
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html [/url] April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterThe best thing for you to do, is to ask her if she’s single, and then ask her if she’d like to go out with you! It’s that simple. ๐ Of course, use your own style. Rather than just blurt out the questions, you can call her and tell her how nice it was having her sell you your apartment. She’ll thank you, profusely, and then you can tell her that it was specifically nice that she was the one doing the selling, and if you happened to be lucky enough to find out that she was single and available, you’d love to invite her to dinner. That leaves the ball in her court, and she’ll either tell you then that she’s married, in a relationship or (DING! DING! DING!) single and available and would love to have dinner with you.
If that’s the case, tell her, great, and make a date for the following week or weekend.That’s just a model you can use, but basically, all you have to do is get her phone number, call her, and find out if she’s available.
Hope that helps!
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterAsk away! ๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterThe best way to get our of any rut or routine, whether it’s casual sex or something else, is to change your own behavior. It’s the one thing you have control over. In college, it’s really easy to fall into the trap of “hanging out” which after a few beers leads to spending the night. The way to get out of this routine, or rut, is to not hang out. When a guy asks you to just hang out, don’t do it. If he likes you enough to continue to pursue you after that, he’ll try to ask you to do different things, like see a movie or grab a pizza. You don’t have to go back to his room with him, and you don’t have to invite him into yours. You get to call the shots, when you understand that “no” is part of your vocabulary.
If you want to find out which of these guys you’ve been seeing really wants to date you, and see you even if sex is not on the menu for the evening, next time he asks you to hang out, tell him, “Thanks for the offer, but I’m not into hanging out any more. If you want to invite me to do something else outside the dorms, I’d love to!” And leave it that.
Most college guys are having the freedom to have sex without living in their parents’ homes for the first time in their life, so they may have a tendency to go a little sex crazy and focus on that. They have high sex drives at this time in their lives, and so if you’re ready and willing, they’re there! The trick for you is to let them know you’re not into casual sex, and the way you do that is to very politely, say no thanks!
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWelcome, Tina! I hope you’ll feel free to post any questions you have about relationships in the Q&A forum.
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWelcome! If you have any relationship questions, please feel free to post them in the Q&A forum where I’ll answer them, and you’ll get lots of good advice from other readers here.
๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterPlease post your questions in the Q&A forum from now on — but since you’re here, I’m happy to answer your question: You may feel like a mess, but you don’t sound like one. You’re right that a long distance relationship is very different from one where you see the other person regularly, face to face. In fact, being married to someone can be even more unglamorous after living together and seeing each other every day in almost every situation you can imagine — the bloom comes off the rose, but that’s not the end of the romance. Love goes through different stages, from the infatuation stage to the realistic stage to the mature love stage. Without the latter, no relationship will last. So buckle up for the rest of your life, because that feeling you talk about, where your feet need weights to ground you from your heady feelings of love, is supposed to be temporary. You can’t get through real life like that.
If what you really want is marriage and children, then it’s important for at least one of you to be very grounded and realistic. I’m not really seeing a problem from what you describe except that maybe, deep down in your heart, you’re not ready to be committed in a marriage that leads to family with children. And because your boyfriend is ready for that, and is steering the relationship in that direction, you’re uncomfortable. It’s important to be honest about that with yourself, and your boyfriend. If that is the case, then taking things slow is the solution.
On the other hand, if your boyfriend is just not the one for you, then staying with him will make you feel anxious and eventually angry.
To get to the root of the problem, consider what it is you really want in your life — first, for yourself. Then, assuming a partner is one of those things you want, figure out what role you want a partner to play in your life, and what you want that life to look like. Reality is often a lot different that broad strokes of a fantasy life.
And lastly, understand that all relationships (just like good cars) require regular, routine maintenance to keep them running well. Even keeping your sex life interesting can be work!
โ I know it doesn’t seem like something that comes so naturally to the beginning of the relationship should require maintaining, but after years together (or even months), some couples need to spice things up to keep the bedroom hot. (And I don’t mean using the thermostat!).I have a book for couples called Romantic Date Ideas that you can buy here
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html [/url] ๐ ).I hope that helps. Let me know how things go.
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWelcome! I hope you find what you’re looking for here. If you have any relationship questions, please feel free to post them in the Q&A forum. ๐ April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterWelcome, welcome, welcome! I’m glad you’re here — and next time you post a question, please post it in the Q&A forum, not the welcome forum! Life always seems to throw people curve balls, doesn’t it?
๐ First of all, if you’re already engaged to be married, and your girlfriend is 6 weeks pregnant, why not get married?
โ It would seem the next step, and it would also address the issue of you living together. You can have a great, intimate fall wedding at someone’s home, a lovely restaurant or at a hotel. Even city hall with a great family and friends get together afterwards to celebrate can be romantic and exciting. The wedding may give your girlfriend something to be excited about, and something to start planning as a way to make your future together seem festive and bright. In addition, seeing your future together come to fruition in the wedding will alleviate some of your feelings of loneliness. So, set the date, and do what you were going to do anyway: get married!Second of all, pregnant women in their first tri-mester are often exhausted. They want to sleep all day! It’s normal. They’re growing a baby, and their body is creating all kinds of chemicals and hormones to facilitate that baby’s growth, making them tired, and often feeling nausea. You may want to pick up a book on pregnancy to get the scoop on your fiance’s behavior during pregnancy. In fact, what a lovely gift for her, if you give her a book on pregnancy, and read it with her.
Third, she may be worried about the future since this pregnancy was unplanned. Marriage by itself is a big deal, but when you lump pregnancy on top of that, with a fiance you love, but in truth have only known 5 months, there’s room for jitters. She’s probably feeling them — and so are you. That’s what that pain in your chest is. Uncertainty about the future.
๐ So step up to the plate, and set a wedding date.
๐ Figure out where you’ll live after the wedding (don’t push her to move in before it), and start making plans for the future so that your fiance can see you as the strong man and provider who will be there with her and for her as she becomes a wife and a mother, and you can see your fiance become your bride and the mother of your child.๐ I hope that helps!
April Masini, your AskAprilKeymasterThank you for posting on my site, and for your kind words! ๐ I’m happy to help you, but hope next time you will post your questions in the Q&A forum!Now, as for your boyfriend, I have one word of advice to sum up everything else I’ve written below:
[b]RUN![/b] Your boyfriend is a 27 year old professional who has chosen his family over you.
๐ฅ He’s living with them???๐ฏ You will never win this power struggle based on what you’ve told me.My advice to you is to value your self and your time, and quit wasting it on a man who at 27 years of age, is living with his parents who don’t expect him to date until he’s 30 years old.
๐ฎ This family is going to control their adult son for the rest of his life and he is complicit in this dynamic.You, however, are right to feel uncomfortable and frustrated. What is disheartening to me is that you don’t see how you’re doing the same thing he is!
๐ You’re being complicit in a controlling relationship where you agree to see him on his terms (even though he blames his family for the terms), which are clearly not in your interest.I’m sorry to tell you that your boyfriend is not Mr. Right because he is not his own man. He comes with a family attached at his hip, and they don’t want you!
Consider buying my book, Think & Date Like A Man, at this link
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] ๐ฅ You will understand how to spot men who are interested and available, as well as compatible, and how to date smart so that you actually get the guy you want!I’m sorry for this news that is probably hard to read, but I think you’ll come to realize it’s true.
Let me know what happens, and good luck!
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