[Carol]

I am a 31 year old woman in a same-sex dating situation with a 34 year old woman. The lines of our relationship are very blurry. I guess you can say that the basis of our relationship is a good friendship, mixed with some physical intimacy. I really, really like this woman and I want to push our relationship to the next level. She likes me too, but says that she is not necessarily looking for a relationship at this time because she has been through a lot (separation from wife and their child, incarceration) and wants to focus on herself and her goals. I can respect this; I have accomplished a lot in terms of education/career so I am doing everything I can to help her to elevate herself and achieve her personal goals. However, as we have been spending more and more time together my feelings for her have deepened. I know that she is spending time with and getting to know other women that she is attracted to because she has told me. I am a very sensitive/emotional person. I need security in my life. This situation is causing me a significant amount of stress and pain. It hurts me to know that while I am at home thinking about her, she is out with someone else. My fear is that she is using me as a kind of comfort/security blanket (someone to talk to for hours every day and be physically intimate with) while she is getting to know someone else. I am afraid that once she finds someone she really likes, she will drop me. How should I proceed?

[Ask April Masini]

Focus on you and your needs. The only way you can be in a successful relationship is if you are honest about who you are, and what you want and need in a relationship. I think you’ve already done that part. The next step is that once you know what you need to be happy in romance, then [b]that’s[/b] what you go for!

Think about it this way. If you were a vegetarian, you wouldn’t go to the store and say, gosh, that steak really looks fresh, so I’ll buy it. That would leave you with nothing to eat! You should’ve passed the steak, even if it looked good, and moved on to the produce aisle where you could choose from what you need.

Same goes for dating. Your love interest has already told you she’s not ready for a relationship with you. So, why not respect what she says, and more importantly, respect yourself? If she’s not interested in a relationship with you right now, whether for good reasons or made up, rotten reasons, then she’s not appropriate or compatible for you because you want someone who can commit to you.

As much as you like her, you’re never going to feel secure or satisfied because she won’t give herself to you. So, accept the rejection as a gift. She’s respected you enough to not want you to waste your time with her. Now, you give yourself the same respect she gave you! Don’t waste your time with her any more.

Move on. There’s a woman out there who’s right for you — she’s not the one.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[Author]

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