[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome to the welcome forum, and please remember next time to post your questions in the Q&A forum!

Dating single parents, especially when you, yourself, are a single parent, can be [i]very complicated[/i]. 🙄 You got into and out of a muddle, and your feelings are confused. Let me try to help you sort them out.

First of all, [b][i]you[/i][/b] need to take responsibility for your part in prematurely moving your children in with your boyfriend and his children. You are your kids’ mother and you have to take responsibility for any situation you put them in. I think it was a huge mistake for you to move them in without knowing your boyfriend well enough to have had multiple, multiple, multiple conversations about blending your families and your children, especially. Huge mistake. So, stop blaming him for this one. You’re the one to blame when it comes to subjecting your children to an unstable situation.

Second of all, when he realized that you shouldn’t all live together — after you’d moved in with him and blended the kids — and then moved out, he was right. He bumbled, but he was the one who realized it was a mistake. He took responsibility for what was a bad situation for his kids, and made the appropriate adjustment. You were premature and hasty to break off with him completely. If you can’t find room for forgiveness in this complicated situation, and if you can’t allow mistakes like this, then you really shouldn’t be in the business of blending your family. But break up with him, you did.

Now that he wants you back, and wants to take things slow, I think he’s right on track. However, I’m not sure you’re able to handle this kind of situation. 😕 You’re expecting too much from him. You started dating him before his divorce was finalized, and it’s no wonder he was slow to introduce you to family and friends, but you were impatient. This particular man is not going to be available to you to blend your families and re-marry in any time soon. He wants to find his way as a single father. His children are traumatized by the divorce, as many and most children are to at least some degree, and his kids aren’t ready to be a part of a blended family. This probably isn’t on your radar, but he could end up losing custody of his kids if they are miserable in a new situation with you and your kids. He has a lot at stake.

So in answer to your question as to whether or not you should get back with your ex, I have to qualify that answer. [b][i]If[/i] [/b]you are able to date your ex for a year, starting now, [i][b]without pushing[/b][/i] to marry or blend your families, then I would consider you try it. But I really mean it when I say you have to take a few steps back in your relationship and just date him. His kids need time to get used to the divorce and their father not being with their mother. It’s a lot if you put yourself in their shoes — or at least try to. You need to gather all your empathy and maturity and employ it if this is going to work.

But if you honestly feel that you can’t or don’t want to wait, and if you honestly feel too angry at your ex-boyfriend for his not being remorseful enough to get back together again, then the answer is I don’t think this guy is right for you.

So, really, the answer comes down to what you want. If you want someone you can re-marry and possibly blend a family with, right away, this guy is not Mr. Right. So, be honest with yourself. If you are willing to be patient and forgiving and understanding beyond what you’ve ever been before, and mature with the situations you put your children into, then you can give it a go and see what happens.

I know this is a lot for you to think about, and it’s not simple, but I hope it helps. Let me know what happens. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m so happy you’re here — but I’m even happier when you post your questions to me in the Q&A forum, so from now on, please post them there. 🙂

Today, I can tell you that there are 2 possibilities of what’s going on:

First of all, you missed your opportunity to ask her out on a date. After a few days of good texting, it was time for you to step it up — because [i]you’re[/i] the guy, and that’s what the guy is supposed to do. Your title to this post says that a girls is leading you on. Not so. In reality, you were defaulting, so the girl appeared to be leading you on. She was really just letting you know how she felt. [i]You[/i] are the one who is supposed to do the leading because, as I said, you’re the guy. 🙂

Because you didn’t, she lost interest. She figured you weren’t interested enough in being anything more than just friends, or else you weren’t really interested enough to pursue her. So, when you get the idea that a girl likes you, and if you like her enough to be a boyfriend to her, ask her to do something special together, just the two of you. That’s the next logical step. So, next time, when you meet a girl, get something going, and have a little momentum, keep that momentum by taking the lead and asking her out.

Second of all, there’s always a possibility that by getting to know you through texting, she decided she wasn’t interested, and that’s why she’s stopped texting you so often and even at all. And if that’s the case, then don’t spend any more time fretting over her. Not everyone is supposed to be your perfect match! When someone rejects you, they’re actually doing you a favor by giving you the truth so that you don’t have to waste your time with someone who’s never going to be that special someone.

I hope that helps! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you said that if weren’t for your 2 kids, you wouldn’t be married to your wife, I think your answer lies in that statement you wrote. Your 2 kids are what you need to put your focus on. It is to your credit that you’re staying married for the sake of your children. They will be better off for it. 🙂

In the meantime, I know you’re feeling sorry for yourself, but you have to find reasons to make each day a good one — even if the reason is just a game of catch with one child or watching another turn a pirouette in a ballet recital (I don’t know if you have boys or girls). There are many people in the world who want children and can’t have them. You’ve got ’em. If that’s all that’s good in your life, you’re ahead of the game.

I know it’s not what you want to hear, but for your children’s sake, and your own, I would encourage you to find something about your wife to love — whether it’s her cooking or her companionship or her family or her style or her sense of humor — something that was there when you first met here that hasn’t gone away.

You can also dig deep in your heart and see if you have some semblance of forgiveness for her cheating on you. What she did was terrible. But, it doesn’t mean she is terrible. Sometimes people do bad things, and that doesn’t make them bad people. Forgiving someone is very hard work. Ultimately, however, it will set you free — not so much her, but you.

I imagine your heart is hardened from being betrayed, cheated on and lied to by your wife. And you say that you’ve dug your own grave, but it doesn’t have to be a grave. In fact, you really can come out of this with some happiness if you do find forgiveness, and do really put those 2 children first and foremost, which means finding a way to be their mother’s husband. That you’ve stayed with your wife is admirable — but don’t give up. Keep going with her. The spark may be out now, but you can reignite it, and you can find love with her — although it will be a different love, it can become even stronger than the first love you had with her.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he likes you enough to date you, he’ll ask you out. He may feel awkward with you because he no longer wants to ask you out or because there’s something else going on in his life that you don’t know about. But what’s more important is why [b][i]you[/i][/b] feel awkward around him. I think you feel awkward because you’re angry that he isn’t asking you out on a date.

My advice to you is to focus your energy elsewhere, and consider other guys instead of him. If he ever does decide to ask you out, he knows how to reach you, but in the meantime, don’t sit around waiting for him. Get out in the world and switch up your life outside of work so that you’re in new situations where you’ll meet new people — and among them, new men, any one of whom may be Mr. Right. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dear Nice Guy:

Quit it! 😮 Just, quit being the nice guy!

If you [i]stop[/i] being the nice guy, you’ll see how much better your results with women will be. 🙂 You’ve read my articles on why nice guys finish last, so just don’t be one anymore. It doesn’t get you anywhere.

So, for starters:

Make yourself less available.

Find your confidence and flaunt it.

Be a little critical of a woman who’s interested in you.

Don’t call her right back — and don’t call her after a date — make her wait.

Don’t don’t return e-mails or texts right away — because you’re too busy being the stud-ly guy (instead of the nice guy who doesn’t get the girl)!

As for this girl you took out, who isn’t interested, what to do next is really easy. [b]Drop her![/b] ❗ Like a hot potato.

Why on earth would you chase someone who isn’t interested?? 😯 I mean, you know she’s not interested in you, so [b]don’t treat yourself like a doormat — and then complain that you get stepped on by girls[/b]. You don’t get bonus points for banging your head against a wall. If you chase after a woman who makes it clear she’s not interested, and you send flowers and you pay for lunch and you send cards, you’re not so much a nice guy, as a blind one! Sorry, but you’ve really got to wake up and smell the coffee. It’s not all about what you like. It’s about whether or not she likes you, too! Don’t waste your time.

In fact, you would really, really benefit from my book called Date Out of Your League, which I’ve written for men just like you. Here’s the link where you can purchase it: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] It gives step by step advice to men on what women really want, and how to be that guy who gets the girl he thinks he can’t. You’ll love it. In fact, you’ll do very well with women if you read it.

Let me know how things go after you read the book and start implementing those tips and advice that will make you a winner with women. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re confused because you don’t understand [b]your[/b] role as the man in this dynamic. She’s flirted with you. If you like her, then ask her out on a date. That way you’ll know if she’s interested in you as a boyfriend or not, and very quickly, your confusion will be eliminated.

Letter writing the way you did it is so high school. In fact, you even used the word “crush” when describing your feelings about her, which is a very high school emotion. Well, you’re not in high school! 🙂 Man up, and invite her to dinner — outside of work.

She’s going to get frustrated with your lack of action (if she hasn’t already) and move on — and the letters you wrote her didn’t work, so quit it. Go up to her, face to face, and invite her to have dinner with you this coming weekend.

Let me know how it goes!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forget coffee. You’ve got a great new boyfriend, now. You gave this last guy 7 months of your time! And now he’s sorry he lost you, but he’s still doing things his way — coffee, nothing more and nothing less isn’t much of an offer to a woman who’s already given him 7 months! Coffee with an engagement ring and a heartfelt apology — now that’s an offer I’d urge you to consider. But coffee with milk, sugar on the side — no thanks! 😉

You’re right to ask the question, Can I date a commitment-phone? And my answer to you is no. You can’t. You’d be wasting your time.

You want a commitment, so you need to date men who are compatible with your needs. [i]Lots of men[/i] [b][i]do[/i][/b] want commitments! Dating won’t work for you unless you’re compatible with your partner, and commitment is a deal breaker.

So be nice when you turn your ex-boyfriend down for coffee! And have a great week with your new boyfriend! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes. He likes you! 😀

There’s no question about that, and I applaud and support your decision not to ask him out — as you, yourself write, that never works out well.

As to why he hasn’t asked you out yet, I can’t answer that — sorry! He’s just on a different clock than you are. However, if you employ some feminine wiles and tease him, reward him for his attention — but don’t make yourself too available at the same time, this may speed up his motor and make him want to see you so much that he won’t be able to ask you out fast enough! 😎

You may want to check out my book written for women with dating questions, called Think & Date Like A Man, that you can purchase for $15.95 at this link[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]. It downloads immediately after purchase, so you can start reading it this week and be done by the weekend! 😛 The book will give you more specific ideas that will help you lure him into wanting to ask you out now, rather than later.

Being a cute girl isn’t enough to get a guy’s motor running, all the time. Sometimes you have to be seductive and tempting. I know this is a little darker than your innocent huddling together on the bleachers may sound, but it’s kind of essential to all dating — whether it’s a prom or a romantic lobster dinner at the pier or a tuxedo and black tie night on the town. You’d be wise to understand and master this theory, and you’ll feel a lot more confident if you have some of these tricks under your belt.

Let me know how it goes with your guy! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t buy it. 😕

I don’t believe your excuses for your behavior had anything to do with a death in the family and a new job, and I’m sure she doesn’t either. Your excuse that you acted shy because she was shy doesn’t fly either. I think you have a deeper problem and you’re covering it up with disruptive alcohol use and text messages — both of which distance you from real intimacy with yourself and anyone else.

So here’s my advice. Forget this woman, you blew it. There’s no way you’re going to get her back because you’ve been all over the map emotionally. From where she sits, you’re a big mess that she doesn’t want to be involved with. Take her polite excuses for backing out of get-togethers with you for what they are: she’s blowing you off.

Now, for some reality. You’ve only known her for 2 months, so she really can’t be all that important to you — especially since you only texted her, and didn’t talk on the phone with her (except for once a month for 2 months). You’re fantasizing a deep relationship that really wasn’t that deep at all. The question is, why?

You’re the only person who can answer that question. I suggest you stop using texts to communicate anything other than last minute time and place arrangements. Do not text anyone your feelings any more. Use the text message like an active calendar, and that’s it. Same goes for alcohol. Stop drinking for a while. Or else stop at one drink. Just one glass of wine or a beer when you go out — either with friends or on a date. If you can’t stop at one, you’ll know you have a deeper problem with alcohol.

Text messaging and alcohol appear to be two of the devices you use to distance yourself from your own feelings and sharing those feelings. You need to remove any ability you have to make excuses for yourself and start to take responsibility for your behavior. That’s how you’ll figure out why you’re doing what you’re doing that sabotaged this last relationship.

Get back out there, and start dating again, now that you have a new job, and are single and available! But be responsible for your behavior in your dating life. That’s the best way you’ll be able to not sabotage your relationships in the future.

I hope that helps — let me know how things go! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait for him to ask you out. ALWAYS wait for him to ask you out. Men want to be the one who ask the woman out on a date. If you broach the subject or ask him out first, you take that opportunity to feel like a successful man who just asked a girl he likes out on a date, away from him. The relationship will work a lot more successfully if he feels like a man when he’s with you, so don’t do his job for him, even if you have to wait! Let him be the one to make the first move.

This guy likes you, and since you end up wrestling and falling asleep against one another, there’s a sexual component that is latent, but will probably surface soon enough! And I trust he’s going to want to make you his girlfriend pretty soon, so don’t make it too easy for him! Give him something to go after while balancing that chase with some real rewards for his attentions like flirting, big smiles and affection.

Don’t worry about feeling awkward if you have different feelings for each other at the same time — that’s part of all relationships! The joy comes from the times when you both like each other the same way at the same time. The excitement comes from liking someone a lot and wondering if they feel the same way. See if instead of wanting to avoid that feeling, you can just sit in it and let it be without reacting to it or feeling you have to do something about it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have been very courageous and it looks like once you moved out, the real problems in the house became more clear, as did your father and stepmother’s mistakes and true desires to have you back in the house. I am very glad that your father and stepmother have apologized and want you to move back in with them. I am also glad that your stepbrother was allowed to go live with his father — this may make things a little quieter in your home and alleviate some of your father and stepmother’s stress that affected you.

My advice to you now, since you are living in your car, which isn’t really ideal or very safe, is to figure out what boundaries you need in order to come back into the house, since that is what your father and stepmother want, and [b]if[/b] they can make the adjustments, that may be what is best for you, too. Make a list of changes that would make your coming back to live with them work, and go over that list again and again until you are quite sure it’s right. Ask your girlfriend to help you with this list. The more clear and [i]specific[/i] your list of what you want and what you will agree to do, is, the better chance of peace in the house there will be. [i]Be very realistic in this list. [/i]

In addition, if your father and stepmother agree to your list of what you want from them and what you are willing to do for them, then that agreement, will make them feel like they are part of the reunion and reconciliation, and not just victims. If you’re going to live there for the next 2 and a half years while you complete your college degree, it’s good if they’re happy, too. It will be in your best interest.

[b][i]Remember to keep your eye on the ball:[/i][/b] your goal is to graduate college with a good GPA so that you can either be competitive in the job market or advance your education at a higher level.

You have the goods to go all the way. Now, let’s get you back into quiet, non-stressful living quarters with plumbing! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The truth is your friend. Embrace it! 🙂

Secrets often lead to problems, and that’s just what you’re seeing. So roll up your sleeves and prepare to do some hard emotional work.

First of all, being raped is a traumatic experience as well as a crime. It’s understandable that both you [b][i]and[/i][/b] your fiance are having trouble dealing with what happened. He may not be able to feel that he can talk to you about this situation because he may be embarrassed or ashamed that he wasn’t able to protect you from what happened. He may feel that the break up you and he were undergoing when your ex-boyfriend raped you, was to blame for the rape, and that somehow he was responsible for what happened to you. He may be feeling other things that you and I can’t even fathom because they’re his personal feelings. Talking to other people may be his way of trying to process his feelings. Talking about the baby not being his, may again, just be his clumsy but ‘best he can do’ way of processing his confusion.

So, I’d cut him some slack on his betraying the secret you were trying to hold onto. Tell him you’re hurt that he’s told other people, but that you understand how difficult this is for him, as well as you, and that you understand he needs to talk to people other than you about this very big deal that happened.

My advice to you is to start opening up and talking about what happened to your very closest friends. You’re right that this kind of story evokes gossip, and people staring at you, both judgmentally and in wonder. When something traumatic or bad happens, you get to find out who your friends are. This is that time for you. Open up, expect some (inappropriate, but understandable) rejections, and some real support from people who want to help you emotionally and to be your true friend.

When you do have the baby, I would suggest you have a DNA test to determine who the father is, so you have some facts to go on. I know you must be scared deep down that the baby is not your fiance’s, but I encourage you to face that fear, and muster up your strength to learn the truth. I promise, that truth will make you stronger.

Good luck! And let me know if you need any other help. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very smart, and you have a clear head — except for one point, which you don’t want to wrap your head around — which is why you wrote me, and asked me to do it for you. 😉 You’re not going to like this, but I think you’ll agree with me.

When a man is ready to be married, he’s going to do it. He’ll look for dates that are Mrs. Right potential. He’ll have that marriage as a goal in his mind. He won’t waste his time with someone who isn’t marriage material for him. Your guy is not that guy. At least not right now, and possibly not for years to come.

If you’re serious about marriage and children, as you say you are, then being with a man who wants to get married is important. Being with a man who is ready to make the commitment is even more important. You’re not with that man.

While everything else may be great with the two of you, he’s being very clear to you that he wants to build a career and work hard so that when he is ready one day, emotionally, he’ll also be ready financially. You’re right, he’s a good man, but he’s not for you. You’re not compatible in this one extremely important regard. And after 5 years of this relationship, with you at age 31, not wanting to waste any more time with no deadline or ring on the horizon, you’d be wise to have a very amicable and understanding break up, so that you can move on with your life in the direction you want it to go.

You’re at an age, and you have your act together enough, that you should really be able to date super-successfully. But what that means is being discerning. Men who don’t have the same goals you do, are going to be a waste of your time — even if they’re really good guys. They’re just not good guys for you.

So, sadly, my advice is that you need to break up with this guy, not just because of the distance, but because of his life plan being so different than yours.

Good luck. I know this break up will hurt, after 5 years, and such good feelings about each other, but you have to keep your own goals alive and supported in order to really find true love and happiness in life. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Forget your ex-boyfriend. He has too much baggage for you, and you’re not compatible. Two children and an ex-girlfriend who is their mother is a lot for anyone, but when the guy is conflicted about being a father, he’s got bigger problems than you need to handle. His decision to leave his ex-girlfriend when she was pregnant, and was the mother to another of his children was immature. The decision to not want to see his newborn son, showed very bad judgment. His decision to lie to you about seeing his baby (and his ex-girlfriend who is his childrens’ mother) behind your back, was bizarre. His decision to leave you one night and just not come back was disgraceful and the final straw (and if you can’t see that, re-read this sentence!).

He’s in over his head, and he needs to focus on raising his two children either with his ex-girlfriend as a couple, or as a separated co-parent with his ex-girlfriend. Someone else may be able to do this with some grace, but from what you’ve described, your ex-boyfriend doesn’t have that grace. He has his hands full. There’s not going to be a lot of room for you.

Even if he thinks things are settled enough for him now to come back to you, he’s deluding himself if he doesn’t think there are going to be big bumps in the road ahead — just as there are when any two parents split up and have children between them.

Hooray for you that you’ve found someone else. Now focus on the good man you have, and don’t get distracted from the life you’ve built after he left you, with what he wants. He had you and blew it. Game over. He showed his true colors and guess what — you deserve better. A lot better 🙂

Value yourself and you will be valued. 😀

I hope that helps. You’ve been through a bad relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Make this new one a great one! 🙂

[Member]

Posts