[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you!
🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[i]Run![/i] 😮

This guy is no good for you. 😕 In fact, when you wrote, “Sometimes I feel it is all about HIM and what he wants…” [i]you hit the nail on the head![/i] This guy acts like a child. [b]He[/b] wants what [b]he[/b] wants when [b]he[/b] wants it. He’s not truthful, and it’s not a surprise that he’s never married and is so close to his parents and won’t let you meet them. They’re the source of all this behavior.

Wow — don’t waste any more time with this guy who doesn’t really care about you — no matter what he says. His actions are [b]so[/b] clear. So, stop trying to trick yourself.

He doesn’t want you to meet his parents because he isn’t serious about having a relationship with you. He just wants you when [b]he[/b] wants you. And I hate to tell you this, but his parents will not like you 👿 because you broke up his last relationship by being ‘the other woman’ — and for all you know he may have another girlfriend right now that you don’t know about, since he’s already cheated on you (and you allowed it) once — not to mention his cheating on his girlfriend at the time — and his parents may really like this new girlfriend that you don’t know about, a lot. Trust me, there’s a good reason for his not introducing you to his parents. He doesn’t like you enough, and they won’t either, and he knows it. Sorry — but that’s the truth. 🙁

[i]I[/i] don’t think age is a problem in relationships, but I can’t imagine his parents are going to go for the age difference at all. Remember, this is their son that they’re close to, who’s never married. They are most likely going to perceive you, at 55 to his early 40s, as a threat to their relationship with him. Chances are they want him to continue to be their little boy, even at 40 something, and their family dynamic sounds twisted.

But enough about them! Whew! 🙄

You need to understand your true value in this world. Until you start treating yourself like someone who deserves to have a man all to herself, and who is entitled to be treated with (real) love and respect, you’re going to continue to find yourself in these muddles.

It’s sad for me to hear that you would allow yourself to stay in these situations where you’re not being treated like a valuable woman.

I hate to sound like a broken record, but you should really get my book, Think & Date Like A Man (you can download it here, tonight! [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]) and read it over and over and over — until you really understand how to behave in order to find someone who really loves and respects you — and to get them! Not share them, but to get them all to yourself.

So, don’t chill. Break up with this bad boyfriend immediately! And start focusing on yourself. There’s so many wonderful men out there who will want to be your boyfriend when you start acting like you deserve one of them!

I’m sorry for the brutal honesty, but this one and a half year relationship has gone on too long. It’s time for you to find some real love. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Holding hands is a sign of affection, but it doesn’t mean anything other than that. In other words, it does not mean that your boyfriend wants a serious relationship, and if you hold hands back, it doesn’t mean that you do, either. It just means you like each other enough to hold hands.

That said….it really sounds like your relationship with this guy is on a good track. If you’re dating regularly, and he’s becoming more and more touchy feely, and he holds hands with you frequently, I think he likes you! 🙂

DO NOT have any kind of talk with him about a “formal relationship” or a commitment. Never, never, institute “the talk”. Guys hate this, and it makes them feel pressured and out of control. The trick to making this relationship continue to go smoothly is to continue to be alluring and mysterious as well as fun and affectionate.

Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can get at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and read it, a little each day or night, and you’ll get everything you need to make sure you’re doing things according to plan, if your plan is to find Mr. Right.

You’ll read beyond these basics, like, if a man is serious about you, he’ll introduce you to his friends, and finally, you’ll meet his family. He’ll treat you like his girlfriend (holding hands in public counts!) 😉 He’ll start acting like he’s part of a couple and wanting to do things with other seriously dating couples or married couples rather than feeling like a single.

I hope that helps, but if you want even more help, get my book. It’s written exactly for someone like you who’s looking for some relationship guidance. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question! 🙂

First of all, do not confront [b]her[/b]. She is trying to interfere in your relationship. If you give her any attention it validates her place in your life. So your best bet is to ignore her.

Second, ask your boyfriend what he thinks of all the Facebook posts from her. Listen to him. If his behavior hasn’t given you any reason to distrust him, then don’t.

What is important is the communication and intimacy between you and your boyfriend. In your future there will be other challenges from people who want to intrude — they may be your exes, they may be a future in-law or relative, they may be someone from work. You will always win when you ignore outside forces and strengthen your relationship from within.

I hope that helps! Good luck. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’re falling in love with a man who isn’t in love with you. He’s given you his boundaries loud and clear. He is committed to another woman, and only wants to be your friend. While you may think your bond is deeper than friendship, he doesn’t.

My suggestion is [b]not[/b] to tell your friend how you feel. It breaks every rule of dating that I advocate about women being the prize that men should chase. I’ve never seen a situation where a woman throws herself at the guy, the way you would be when you tell him you like him as more than friends. You’re going to create more misery for yourself.

In addition to which, I always try to get my readers to only date men (or women) who are actually available! This guy is committed to another woman. Leave him alone. Why would you want to wreak havoc in his relationship if you really care about him? The answer is, you wouldn’t.

It’s very hard for men and women to be friends when one of them is single. More often than not, one of them falls for the other, or one of them has an indiscretion with the other, and it creates drama and chaos. Oh, and did I forget to say, hurt feelings that can lead to misery?

My advice to you is cool it with this friend, and start getting out there and dating men who are actually available (read: single), who want to be more than just friends, and who pursue you in dating and not the other way around.

My book, Think & Date Like A Man, is available for purchase ($15.95) at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and I suggest you download it immediately and start reading. You’ll get a LOT of advice and guidance on how to date so you end up happy, and with the guy who is Mr. Right for you.

I hope that helps — I’m quite sure it’s not what you wanted to hear, but I’d like to see you successful in love. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are very bright and mature and have a healthy curiosity and interest in dating that is age appropriate. That said, most, but not all, high school boys are not as mature as their female counterparts. They’re slower to catch up in terms of maturity. That’s why you’re seeing boys being clingy, saying, “I love you,” way too soon, and basically bumbling through the beginning of their dating careers. But, I want to caution you that this isn’t an across the board rule. There are lots of boys your age who are mature, and even as mature as you. They’re just a little harder to find — right now.

So, in answer to your question, I don’t think you’re setting your standards too high for teenage boys, but I think you also have to be realistic about the fact that all teenagers are experimenting with dating. It’s new. And mistakes will be made — guaranteed! But that’s how you figure out who you are, what you like, who you like, and whether or not you want to date someone at all, or a little more often.

You don’t have to wait until the guys are older. It’s healthy to go out on age appropriate dates with guys at your age. So keep your standards, but also understand your choices. Teenage boys have a lot going for them in so many ways, but they’re just trying to figure out their emotions and social manners when it comes to dating, so cut them some slack, while balancing your own standards.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, he still loves you. No, you shouldn’t leave him.

As for everything else that falls in between those two questions…. 😉 here goes:

First of all, I’m not sure from your description that he’s actually “addicted” to his online games. It seems like he is able to hold down a job, he still eats and chats with you, and he probably functions in other areas of his life, too. So I don’t think that the gaming is interfering with his life to the extent that he’s “addicted,” so if I were you, I’d lose that word when talking about your problem.

What does seem to be the problem is that you’re not getting enough attention from him, or at least, you’re not getting as much attention as you want from him. So, let’s address that.

First of all, most successful men have hobbies. The hobbies help relax them from their normal grind. They give the men something to focus on that may even be mindless, but it’s like giving your brain a nap, or at least using a different part of the brain. So, do be tolerant of the fact that it is very normal and even healthy for men to have hobbies.

Second of all, you want something in this pattern to change. You can try and beat him into submission and become his mother by nagging, commanding, and punishing him for not doing what you want him, too. 😕 But, if you decide to change[b] your[/b] pattern of behavior, you’re going to have more luck.

So, here are some suggestions:

First of all, quit complaining and telling him he’s addicted. That will get you nowhere.

Second of all, switch up your dinner routine. You know he likes to eat dinner with you, so once a week, make a reservation at a restaurant, and tell him that the two of you are going out! That should give you not just more time with him, during the dinner “hour”, but it will also get you to see each other differently — like you’re each others’ dates!

Next, invite people over to your home for supper or cards, or a board game, or to watch a movie together. If there are guests at home, he’s going to be less likely to revert to his online games.

Plan a weekend away, just the two of you — in fact, camping, or a rustic cabin somewhere (with no video games 😆 ) will give you both a lot more of each other and a lot less of his playing those games.

And of course, there’s the old adage, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em! So, ask him to teach you how to play the games. In fact, buy a game that requires 2 players ONLY, and encourage him to play with you. Turn this into an event with refreshments to go with the gaming, like wine and a pizza or something homemade, so that instead of the games being a solitary event, they’re something that the two of you do together.

You can probably riff off these suggestions and come up with your own plans to change your attitude, become more proactive, and to shake things up at home in a positive way, that will get you more of your husband’s attention, and less competition from the online games!

Good luck, and let me know what works! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Poor Lonely Girl!

You blew it with this guy because you have an alcohol problem that needs to be addressed. You seem to lose control of your behavior when you’re drinking, and when alcohol interferes with your life, that’s a big sign you’ve got a health issue with alcohol that needs to be addressed.

So, go see your doctor or start attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings so you can get help with this very real, chronic problem you have that is interfering with your relationships. If you don’t deal with this, it’s not going to get better. It will get worse. Relapses are part of the process, but there are specialists who can help you with this health issue.

What I can help you with here, is to get you to understand that when you ask, What’s wrong with him?, the answer is, Nothing. There is nothing wrong with him. He didn’t do anything wrong. You did. I know you think he should forgive you for your indiscretion, but that’s just your opinion. The opinion that matters is his. He wasn’t able to get past your “drunk dialing” on the internet with another guy, and that’s his prerogative. When you apologize, you should ask forgiveness, and even if you don’t, it’s implied, anyway. The recipient of the apology has the choice to accept or deny forgiveness. Your ex-boyfriend opted to deny it. That was his righteous choice. [i]You have to get out of your own head and understand that just because you think something is okay, it doesn’t mean someone else will, and that they are justified in their opinion. [/i]

Maybe it would help you to think about the tables turning. What would happen if you found your ex-boyfriend (your boyfriend at the time) flirting with another woman online, and he was drunk at the time he did it. Wouldn’t you be hurt?

As for his being nosey, forget it. That’s his thing. He’s probably still reminiscing over the break up and the relationship the same way you are. It doesn’t mean anything important in and of itself.

What is important, however, is that you take care of your baseline problem because if you don’t, derivative problems are going to grown like weeds in your life. So get some help with the alcohol issue.

Good luck! I’m rooting for you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you shift your own thinking, just a little bit, you will realize that you DO know what’s going on, and you’re not in the dark. Put the focus on yourself, not him, and what you’ll see is that you’ve been abandoned by your boyfriend for a month now, with no clear idea what’s going on with him. From your point of view, if you just think about what’s going on with you, you’ve been cut free. For a month now.

What you’re doing is trying to see things from his point of view, and that’s impossible. It’s also making you crazy, frustrated and angry. You have no idea what’s going on thousands of miles away, nor could you, since he is out of communication with you. So, just look at things from where you sit. You’re boyfriend-less.

Lots of times people write me thinking that they’re confused about a romantic relationship because they’re trying to imagine all sorts of scenarios that could or might be happening. What they ignore is the reality of what’s going on with them, now.

So stay in the moment, and focus on yourself if you want to get a clear picture of what’s going on with [b]you[/b]! 🙂

If your boyfriend does happen to come back, don’t contact him. You let him contact you. Listen to what he has to say, and then take it from there. If he has a great story — like he’s been captured by tigers that chewed his flesh to within an inch of his life, and he was lucky to escape, crawl to a hospital, and has just emerged from a coma — then, you may want to think about dating him again. 😆 But if he has some lame excuse that doesn’t smell like the truth, don’t spend any more energy screaming at him. Take responsibility for your own judgment in boyfriends, and move on with the knowledge you’ve now acquired because of this unfortunate experience, to a better boyfriend! 🙂

You’ll be fine. Just stay in the moment and focus on reality.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your getting mixed signals because the guy you’re dating is confused about whether or not he wants a real relationship. He’s got a lot of baggage from what he tells you about his child’s mother cheating on him. On your third date, he realized how much he liked you, and how vulnerable to being hurt that made him. He didn’t want to feel hurt again, so he backed off as a pre-emptive strike. So you couldn’t hurt him.

You found yourself naked on the couch with him because he is attracted to you, and wanted more, and you want this relationship to be a serious one. But the truth is, he’s emotionally wobbly.

My advice to you is to cool it.

Why would you spend your time with someone who isn’t ready to be with you 100%? Until he’s over his last heartbreak enough to commit 100% to being with you, you should just casually date him, and keep your mind and eyes open for any other eligible men to date, as well. Don’t call him. Let him pursue you. And while that’s going on, try and find out if this hurt he’s carrying around is going to be a major impediment to a future together.

The wonderful thing about dating is that you get to know people well enough to decide whether or not they’re who you’re looking for in a serious relationship. Of course, you have to know what you want, but clearly, you want someone who is looking for something serious. You’re valuable. You deserve to be the prize. And the reality is, [i]he wants you to be the prize[/i]. [i]He wants to be smitten with you.[/i] And if you act like you are the prize, it’s going to make him more attracted to you, and he’s going to either step up to the plate or walk away, with more certainty.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It took me a little while to figure out that you had reposted my response, and then put your own questions in italics! Hope that helps any other readers who are confused. 😉

In response to your question about not knowing if your friends set you up or not — it doesn’t matter. Truly! It doesn’t matter one iota what your friends did or didn’t do. It’s all about what [b]you[/b] do! You know, if your friends tell you to jump off a bridge, you probably shouldn’t do it! 😆 You have to use your own common sense and your own sense of responsibility for your actions. So, if you spent the night with your boyfriend, that’s on you — not them. It doesn’t matter if they set you up, wanted you to sleep with him, or didn’t want you to sleep with them. All that matters is [i]your[/i] behavior.

As for your second point about living with your “nosy mother” and wondering if you have a right to confront your boyfriend, again, it really doesn’t matter what she wants to know or not know. It’s all about you. You can’t make other people your excuses for yourself. You have to decide how you want to live your life, and what decisions you choose to make. Your mom has a right to be nosy, but that has nothing to do with what you decide to do.

I’m glad that you can now see yourself as a free woman! You can talk to, flirt with, and date whomever you want. You [b]are[/b] free! 🙂

And lastly, but most importantly, you’re wrong when you say that if you don’t ask men out you’d never have dates. You would definitely have dates — especially if you adhere to my rules, tips and advice in Think & Date Like A Man. And more importantly, because you didn’t approach the men as the aggressor, you would know who really wants to take you out, and not just for sex, but because they want the whole package with you. Of course, that requires some discrimination — if all you want is sex, that’s not so hard to get! — but if you want Mr. Right and the whole nine yards of the fairy tale life, you really do have to start acting like the girl! 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your question title is: After 5 years of love and pain, what does he want?

Wrong question!!

What do [b]you[/b] want?

You’re wasting time and energy on a man who doesn’t value you enough to make you his wife, let alone be in contact when you’re not physically together, and has a past where he’s cheated on you and lied to you. He’s not Mr. Right.

Your feelings are confusing you. If you just look at his behavior, and yours, you’ll see that he’s not the one for you.

Stop putting the focus on him, his feelings, his behavior, his needs. You’re going to make the entire relationship revolve around him, and that’s not healthy. He doesn’t care about you enough to put you first, and until you accept that, you’re going to stay in this love and pain cycle.

So, put the focus on you. Make sure that you figure out what you want for yourself in a man, a relationship and the rest of your life. Frankly, five years of your loyalty without a ring and a wedding date in exchange is bogus! Wake up and smell the coffee. He’s not Mr. Right.

I know you’re having trouble getting out of this relationship, but there’s no easy way, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Break up with him now. Forget all the plans you have with him, your family and your friends. Make this time in your life about you! Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, at this link[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url], and start reading it immediately, chapter by chapter, today. It will help guide you into the light and out of the dark cloud you’re under.

Surround yourself with family and friends who support your health and your success in romance and dating, and take good care of you while you’re in this transition. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, wear makeup, dress nicely, and throw yourself into your career, your hobbies and any new ventures you always wanted to check out, but never did. This is the time to make you the deserving star of your own show.

I know that you can do this — I can hear that you want it, you just need a push. Well, I’m pushing! 😀

Let me know how it goes — and good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, if you’re single, never married and have no kids, dating someone who’s divorcing, who will have an ex-wife to co-parent with, and visitation or joint custody of his kids, is very different than what you’re used to. Your boyfriend has a lot of commitments — in addition to regular old work! If you stay together, you’re going to have to be mature enough to understand his own needs and responsibilities as well as your own. Make sure you’re compatible (and honest with yourself about what your needs are) before you move further.

If you’re truly understanding of his other commitments, you won’t get so annoyed and act out when he’s not with you because of them. In fact, you’ll be glad that he’s taking care of his own business so that when he is with you, he can be “all there”.

That said, since you’ve already placed an ad looking for a new relationship, I think you may not be willing to wait for him or to put up with his lifestyle, which is different than yours. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re honest with yourself about what you want, and what you’re not willing to bend on.

As far as being friends and hanging out until he’s finished with his divorce and more able to be free for you, I don’t think that will work. The reason is that you’re ready to start dating again — with him or someone else. He’s going to be jealous and feel betrayed if he knows that while he’s doing his so called work with his divorce, you’re out looking for love.

The more difficult, and maybe more mature position to take is to admit that this relationship won’t work right now, but that you both love and respect one another. Let go of each other, and if and when he’s divorced and his time is more his own, he is totally free to ask you out.

I know you say you love each other, but if you’re not compatible, the love doesn’t work. You’re seeing that already.

Let me know what happens — and good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Clearly, your husband will not give up his girlfriend. He’s lied to you about the relationship, in spite of your doing your best to work on the problems within the marriage. So, no, you can’t trust him any more. He’s going to continue to lie to you about his girlfriend. So, that’s kind of all we have to say about [i]him[/i].

Okay, so enough about him. [i]Let’s talk about you.[/i]

Your marriage is over whether or not you accept it. You can stay in a dead marriage and become an angry mother to his misbehaving bad boy. Or, you can face the scary and wonderful horizon of the future. [b]Your[/b] future. I completely understand how upsetting a divorce seems to you, but if you conquer your fear, there is not just light at the end of the divorce tunnel. For someone like you, who has been wronged in a marriage, and apparently hasn’t done anything in the marriage that would indicate you’re going to have problems in a new relationship, and who doesn’t have children, you may be looking at a future of happiness and success — if you divorce.

Decide what it is that is so scary about divorce — make a list of how your life would change (because it will) — and then make another list of what goals you would want to accomplish if you did divorce. So balance your fear of change (divorce) with your hope for the future (re-marriage) in 2 lists.

I don’t usually advise divorce, but your husband has left the marriage, and you can only work on a marriage if both people commit to the work. He’s leaving you no choice, but to stay in a dead marriage or accept it’s failure, and face the future with hope for what comes next.

I choose the future. How about you? 😛

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and controlling, and worse, you are responsible for making yourself a victim. The only way out of this pattern is for you to break it. But before I tell you how to break the pattern, you have to understand that victims of abuse — and I mean hard core abuse, like domestic violence, sexual abuse and other situations similar — very, very, very often and in most cases, continue to return to their abusers because they don’t have the tools to get out of the relationship themselves. Children who are abused continue to love and cling to their parents who have ruined their lives. You see, people who stay in abusive relationships have just as big a problem, as the guy (or gal) who’s doing the abusing. So don’t blame him — [b]take responsibility for you[/b].

First, you don’t know what love looks like. Someone who loves you doesn’t stand you up for a date. Someone who loves you doesn’t call your questions annoying — he cares enough about you to answer them. Someone who loves you doesn’t thwart your plans. These are all actions taken by an abusive person — not a lover or a friend.

Second, you have to figure out what you would lose if you broke up with this guy and never saw him again? You say you love him, but what is it about him that you love? He doesn’t love you. If he did, he wouldn’t just be nice to you when it suited him. He doesn’t put you on a pedestal; he doesn’t put you first; he doesn’t even put you second! 😕 So why are you staying? Really??

Third, and most importantly, [b]YOU ARE NOT TRAPPED.[/b] You have the power to end this relationship today, and to not pick up the phone. You have the power to block his e-mails and texts and calls. You have the power to decide that you are too important to be treated worse than a dog. People don’t yell at their dogs when their dogs want something. They discipline their dogs to teach them the rules of the house, but that’s it. Your boyfriend isn’t even giving you Fido respect.

So, lose him. Today.

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and start reading immediately. At the same time, you need to start surrounding yourself with people who are supportive of you as a healthy woman. You are 25 years old, and this is the time for you to figure out how to be healthy, and how to choose a great man, who will give you love, support, romance, and everything you dreamed of, and more — and more importantly, will accept and appreciate all those gifts that you give back to him.

Mr. Right is out there for you. But first, you have to get rid of this bad boyfriend of 2 years, and not waste another second thinking about who he might be with (poor woman!) and put the spotlight on yourself! You deserve true love, and it’s out there for you. Go get it. [b]You’re NOT trapped.[/b] 😀

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