[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can help you with this one! 🙂

Your friend wants to have sex with you, when it’s convenient for him, and that’s it. You will never get a commitment from him. Just sex. When he wants it.

In answer to your question at the bottom of your post, no, you do not have a right to confront him. He hasn’t done anything wrong. You turned the tables, and pursued him, as if you were a guy. You went home with him and slept with him, then left at 7 a.m. He’s now got all the power, because he’s become the girl in the relationship and you want him more than he wants you. He holds all the cards, and can get what he wants from you. Which in this case, is just sex. He’ll text you, call you, or flirt with you and act like you’re together when he wants sex, but as soon as he gets it, he’ll be focused on himself again.

Try not to pretend that his texts, e-mails, calls and flirting are genuine tokens of affection. They’re not. They’re just tools he uses to get sex from you. So, don’t trick yourself into thinking something is going on that isn’t. That should alleviate a lot of your confusion.

You don’t need to “break it off” because there is nothing [b]to[/b] break off. Just ignore him. That’ll give you your freedom! 🙂

I would, however, caution you against taking the male role in relationships any more. Stop asking men out on dates. If you don’t, you’re going to continually find yourself in this kind of situation over and over again. Break this pattern, and [b]you[/b] be the girl for a change! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This isn’t as hard as you think it is, if you just pay attention to the facts and the reality. Admit what you don’t know, and stop trying to bend it into a fantasy you hope will come true.

The reality is that this guy has been out of touch with you for over a month, you haven’t seen him since August and he is admittedly in big trouble with the law. No matter what he says or anyone says, these facts are irrefutable. I hope you can accept them.

These are also three really good reasons for you to stop thinking he’s Mr. Right. He isn’t.

The next thing you need to understand is that you don’t know any of these people you meet in clubs, very well at all. In fact, you really didn’t know a whole lot about your “friend” during the 8 months you were together. You’d never met his family, and you didn’t know the facts about his arrest or legal troubles.

Dating is really, really, really important! ❗ It’s not just about dinner and drinks and dancing in clubs to have fun. It’s supposed to be a way for you to get to know another person, and see if he’s someone you want to continue to give your time and attention to. If you don’t take dating seriously, it will run all over you, just like you’re experiencing now! 😮

Get used to having a lot of male attention — but also, know how to handle it. You have to take responsibility for yourself in any of these relationships — whether it’s a conversation at a club or a dinner date with one of these guys — whether they’re Arabs, Israelis, Americans — or martians! 😉 The universal law of dating is that you are the prize in the relationship, and you give yourself, your time and your affections sparingly, at first, to the man who you deem to be Mr. Right. When you think of it this way, it’s actually a big responsibility to be as valuable as you are! 😎 You have to really know what it is you want in a man, so that you can date smart.

So, my advice to you is to forget your overseas, lost friend, who has been out of touch with you for over a month. Stop chasing him!! Stop calling his phone companies. Stop calling his phones. Stop texting him. You are not allowed to chase any man if you want to be treated like the prize they have hard won!

Feel free to consider anyone you meet who may be Mr. Right, but your job is to figure out what Mr. Right looks like and acts like. Go slow — don’t rush things. Your emotions have a way of misleading you and clouding your judgment, so be discriminating in who you spend your time with.

If you want the graduate level crash course, you’d do well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which I wrote for women who aren’t sure about what they want or how to get, as well as those who think they know what they want, but haven’t been able to get it. It’s a great guide for step by step [b]smart[/b] dating!

Good luck! And let me know what happens. 😛

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, it’s not a great idea to get rid of someone you care about because someone tells you they’re not as good looking as you are. 🙄 Lots of extremely successful men would never win a male beauty pageant. In fact, some of the most attractive men in high profile jobs, aren’t really great looking by conventional standards. David Letterman, Jay Leno, Harrison Ford, Bill Gates, Jerry Seinfeld, Donald Trump — I mean, geez, these guys could (and do) get any woman they wanted, and not because they’re rich, but because they’re confident and they’re good at what they do, and they have charm. Some of them have senses of humor that trump good looks any day! Of course good looks and sex appeal never hurt any guy, but sometimes there are other things that make a man sexy beside his looks. These things can be intelligence, kindness, confidence, success, charm, sense of humor — and other things.

Some people have trouble seeing past appearance, but you would be doing yourself a big favor by learning to do so, even at your early age when there are so many people who are attractive, and haven’t been ravaged by years of stress, age, hard living, etc. Looks will only take you so far for so long, and then other things become much more important. Be[i] forward thinking[/i] in your judgment of your boyfriend. ❗

Second, just because your boyfriend doesn’t go to as prestigious a school as you do, doesn’t mean he’s not going to be more successful than you in the job world! Many men have dropped out of high school, but focused and worked hard, and became super successful, not because of their academic education, but because of their self taught education and their personal motivation. So ease up on the good school, bad school comparison. It’s snobby. 😕 And it’s not smart — ironically! 😮

If he’s not intellectual enough for you, then what have you been doing over the last 3 years? A romantic relationship doesn’t have to be an SAT score match.

The real glue, however, in any relationship, is respect. If you respect your boyfriend — because he’s a genius, or because he’s the kindest person you know, or because he’s loyal, or because he’s talented — whatever the reason, respect will take your relationship far, all other things being equal.

So if you’re afraid to introduce your boyfriend to your friends because your mother doesn’t think he’s good enough for you, ask yourself if he’s not good enough for you, or for her. 💡 She may be at an age when she’s regretting decisions she made, and is trying to correct them through you. (It won’t work — but she’s not the one writing me, you are.) You’re at the age where you are going to be expected to come down on one side or another of various issues in life. Make sure you live your life for you — not for anyone else. And if your friends don’t love your boyfriend, but you do, find new friends.

The beauty of life is you get to create your own. So do it wisely. Reconsider your boyfriend. He doesn’t sound that bad to me, and it does sound like there is a lot that’s good in him for you. 🙂

Let me know how things pan out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s how you know if a guy’s interested in you: He’ll ask you out. Simple, right?

But, there are ways to let him know you’re interested in him, and they all have to do with flirting. If you give him a bright smile when you see him, rather than look away, he’ll know you’re interested. If you hang on every word, and laugh at his quips, he’ll also know you’re interested. And if you want the complete low down, I’d really suggest you get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, for women who want to find and get the guy who’s Mr. Right. You’ll find all kinds of tips and tricks on showing him you’re attracted to him while still luring him without throwing yourself at him. You can download the book here, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] and it’s an automatic download for $15.95, so you can start reading immediately. If fact, you can even skip to the chapters that are of interest to you for right now! 😉

So, be attractive to him, but do [b]not[/b] throw yourself at him, or come on too strong. Flirting is an art — that works! 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re welcome, and I’m sorry for your hurt. 😥 Sometimes that hurt can be a useful tool if you take a look at it, and figure out how you came to be there, and what you can do for future to avoid such pain again.

You’ll find love out there — I’m sure of it, but be careful. After 3 marriages and as many divorces, you really need to choose wisely, and know yourself even better than you have, so you can make a good match this time.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

All couples in long term relationships or marriages have this challenge of keeping things spicy. It’s normal for people who spend a lot of time together to lose the spark of desire that comes with wanting to make someone theirs. But once you’ve committed, which you have by moving in with him, you have to work a little harder to keep things hot.

Don’t forget that this is the man who pursued you, and whom you gave chase to, 3 years ago. Try to capture some of who you were back then to get him to be a little more of who he was back them, too! In other words, don’t hang out in sweats with no makeup all the time. Make sure you keep up your grooming routine the way you did when you were dating. I know this may sound a little retro, but it works. Men really want their women to look great and feel sexy. So take care of yourself that way to lure him back.

Make some of the time you do have together celebratory. Keep date night where you get dolled up and have dinner and a movie or some other event. See if you can have dates during the week, too. Meet him at lunch for a museum date or a picnic in the park.

Don’t get lazy in the romance area. Little love notes, sexy phone calls during the day and gifts that make him remember you’re still thinking of him — in [i]that[/i] way — will take you both far. 😉

I’ve also written a great book for people who write me with exactly the issue you have. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas, and you can get it right here [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]. You’ll find all kinds of dates guaranteed to get both your motors running — and the details for the dates range from drinks, to food, to mood, to budget and more! You’ll like this book, and you can make these dates happen as written, or riff off them and give them your own personal touch.

I hope that helps. Let me know, if you do get the book, which dates work best for you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should take his cue and date other people. I know it’s not what you want to hear because you like this guy, but when a man tells you he’s not available to you, you should respect that — and yourself! When he says you’re free to date other men, he’s giving you the parameters of what he’s willing to contribute in the relationships, and in this case, it’s no commitment, and an unspoken gentleman’s agreement that he is free to date other people, too. That he told you he isn’t interested in dating other people is just his way of trying to hold on to you, but letting you know that both of you are free to do what you want with others. In fact, since you say he’s suddenly acting weird, and isn’t calling you as much, I suspect he’s got someone else he’s interested in that you don’t know about.

There’s really no reason to date someone who’s not available to you for what you want, which I assume is a long-term commitment or marriage. You have to keep your eye on the ball to avoid wasting your time, and your emotional energy. I can tell you’re committing to this guy, emotionally, and when you find out one day he’s involved with someone else, you’re going to feel betrayed, when the truth is, he’s being very upfront about not giving you any commitment or even dating interest.

So, move on, and find someone who is interested in you enough to make that commitment you’re looking for. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Life is full of all kinds of people! 🙄 And while [i]you’re[/i] honorable enough to end relationships with well mannered closure, not everyone else is! 👿 This text message break up was a very bad manner, and a sign of this guy’s bad breeding and lack of consideration.

Next time, choose someone with better manners! 😉

And when you do see him around, [i]you[/i] take the high road. Just because he’s a text message dumper doesn’t mean you have to be anything but your best self. Say hello, be polite, be brief, and smile as you turn and walk away. You don’t have to slump to other peoples’ standards. 💡 You can raise the bar in social situations all by yourself. I think that will make you feel a lot more comfortable if you see your ex one day.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can’t turn an apple into an orange. They’re two different fruits.

You’re trying to turn your boyfriend into someone he isn’t. You’re asking, you’re demanding, you’re commanding, you’re yelling — and none of it’s working. Wake up! 😮 It’s not going to work. He is showing you his true colors, and they’re not colors you like.

So why stay with him? 😯

You’re with a man who is not compatible with you. You’re not wrong at all to want what you want. You are wrong, however, to expect this particular man to be the one who gives you what you want. I think you’re bound for a very rocky road if you stay with him.

If I were you, I’d start looking elsewhere for Mr. Right. 💡 Two and a half years is way too long for you to be with someone who doesn’t meet your needs. You’re 22 now, a full fledged adult, and it sounds like you should be dating a man with a job, who relishes his time with you enough to want to take you out because he feels he’s lucky to do so! ❗

Value yourself enough to consider yourself a prize that a man will chase all over to try and win. What you’ve done is throw yourself at this guy — and demand things he isn’t willing to offer. You’re not even the booby prize in this scenario. In fact, you’re no prize at all. 😕

So turn it around. ❗ Think & Date LIke A Man is a book you really should read — pronto. Here’s the link where you can get it. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] It will help you chapter by chapter and page by page to understand the way you have to change your thinking and your behavior to live the life you want with a man.

Good luck! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The answer to your question is yes, although I’d hardly call you an idiot! 😎

Your boyfriend is breaking up with you, but not wanting to give up his cake while he’s eating it, too. He’s trying to hold on to you while he explores the world.

He’s not wrong to know he’s unready to get married, and to know that he wants to see what else is out there. What’s wrong is if you misread his behavior for anything more than it is: a break up.

I’d like to see you do the same that he is — go out there, explore the world, and see what’s out there for you. My guess is you’re going to find Mr. Right, and this soon to be ex-boyfriend will seem like a tiny blip on the radar screen that is your love life. 😉

Understand that you are WAY too valuable to accept the deal he’s offering you. If you wake up and smell the coffee, you’ll see there’s NOTHING in the terms of the deal he wants that’s good for you! Re-read those last 2 sentences. A couple of times. 😉

I know you’re hurt, but see what you can learn from this break up. From where I sit, it seems that you’re a lot more ready for the next step — a long term, committed relationship and/or marriage — than he is. If that’s what you want, then you’d be wise to find a man who wants the same thing. ❗ There are certain men who are more ready for that than others. Your job is to [i]only[/i] date them! Don’t waste your time or theirs with someone who isn’t compatible in this way.

Some of the ways you can tell in advance if a man is interested in a committed relationship and/or marriage is that he’s got a steady job, and sees his place in the career world. He will start to treat you like his future Mrs. by introducing you to friends, his family, and treating you like someone he wants a future with.

This is a great time for you to pick up my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that I wrote for women just like you who want to attract and get the man of their dreams. I know it’s sounds trite when I say it like that, but in reality, it happens! Every day! But you have to date smart. You can download the book at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] for $15.95, and you’ll get the download immediately. Start reading this week, and you’ll feel better about the break up, and where your own life is going.

So forget the break, and make it a break up. He’s offering you a bad deal. Don’t take it. Turn the tables and you take charge. 😛 No sugar coating a break up by calling it a break. At age 22, you’re old enough to deal with reality, and to make your own life wonderful. And anyone who isn’t supportive of that doesn’t deserve your time! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you do get back together with your off again on again wife, you’re very, very, very likely to repeat the same patterns you have over the last 20 years you’ve been on and off with her. In fact, I’m almost one hundred percent certain nothing has changed in your life that shows you will be any different this time around.

While you have a lot of history with your ex-wife, the best way for you to break this pattern you have with her, is to move on with your life, and not be with her. I think you’re making a lot of excuses for your behavior rather than dealing with the behavior you exhibited that is not good for any relationship.

Hiding your feelings, becoming bitter and nasty when you’re living together, and not supporting her through her cancer, are all going to hinder any relationship you’re in.

My advice is that you take your 4 month trip, as planned, and throw your energy into your work and your children. If you’re willing, you should try and be honest with yourself about who you are and why, and how you plan to be in another relationship with someone else. Since you’ve weathered three marriages and three divorces, you’d be wise to take some time off form marriage for now, and just consider what it is you want in life, what you bring to the table, and how you can get what you want given who you are.

I hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re not willing to break up with her, and she is disrespectful to you, and your voiced concerns are met with, “Well, then break up with me!”, you’re stuck, buddy! 😕 Your girlfriend isn’t interested in your feelings enough to tone done her criticism, even though she knows it hurts you.

If you don’t feel worthy of being treated like a prince, then you’re not going to be treated like one. Self esteem is all about your inner worth. If you don’t feel like you have inner worth, then you’re not going to be treated as if you have it.

Sorry, but you’re going to be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. She’s not interested in change, and neither are you!

😐

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s too soon to tell if this is going to be a serious relationship, and your boyfriend is right to call it too soon to make it official. Getting to know each other before making a commitment is a really great idea. 🙂 I know that you want this relationship to be packaged like a perfect Christmas present under the tree, but that’s not how relationships work. Sorry! 😉

It may feel like the two of you are further along than you are because you’ve known his family and they know you, but by slowing [i]the relationship[/i] down, you’ll both be on a lot more solid footing. Your past and present long term relationships with his brother and mother shouldn’t confuse you that your romantic relationship with your boyfriend is new!

It sounds like you both want different things — you want an official relationship and he wants to be more careful because he pronounces it that — so you’re both trying to subtly push the other to do what you want. 😎 Sorry, but that never works. One person doesn’t get what they want.

My advice is for you to yield on this one, and go at his pace because it’s much better for the relationship and both of you in the long run.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know that it’s hard to see right now, but I bet you’re capable of understanding that pride isn’t what you think it is. When someone feels pride in themselves, they feel good about themselves and their decisions in life. You can be proud of a promotion, or a new home purchase, or a child’s accomplishment because you feel connected to that event. You feel responsible for the promotion or the new home purchase or your part in the child’s accomplishment.

When you can feel good about yourself — so much so that other people’s accomplishments can bring you happiness and joy because of what THEY did, and not YOUR part in the accomplishment, you’re going to be an enlightened human being! 🙂

Letting go of pride is really about letting go of your needing to be a part in things. It’s kind of like releasing your ego and letting other people get the applause, while you sit back and watch. With time, you can also enjoy their applause without feeling that you’re not getting it.

When you’re in a great place, your husband will say something you know is wrong, and you’ll be able to say to yourself, he’s wrong, but look how much pleasure he’s getting in thinking he’s right, and I really enjoy seeing this person I love feeling good about himself, so I’m not only going to let him be right on this one, I’m going to enjoy his feeling of being right because that’s more important than me at this moment.

Complicated, right?

Letting go of pride is becoming selfless.

This is going to be key to letting go of your anger. When you don’t have to be right, and fight to the death to prove your might because your words aren’t working, you’re going to feel like you’re giving up, at first.

Eventually, you’ll come to see that being selfless makes you very powerful! 🙂 It’s like switching games. When things that used to be important to you, like being right about his moving rocks in your car and making him admit your righteousness, don’t matter, you’ll see how silly and petty they were. Other things like people’s feelings and relationships will become more important.

So letting go of pride is a lot like letting go of your ego. The result is going to be a much higher level of living — and love. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes people think that by being honest about an indiscretion and fessing up, they’re off the hook. Wrong. 😕 Being honest is part of a person’s character. It’s good to practice honesty the same way you would eating well, getting enough sleep and being kind to people. But it doesn’t allow you a get out of jail free card from bad behavior. Sorry!

Being honest brought light to your relationship, but it didn’t make it bulletproof. You made out with a guy who wasn’t your boyfriend, and understandably, your boyfriend doesn’t trust you any more, and has broken up with you. Imagine if the tables were turned. Surely, you’d understand his behavior a little more if it were you who was cheated on.

Your honesty helped both of you not waste time because you allowed your boyfriend to see who you really were. And frankly, this problem was going to arise at some point in the relationship, so better now than later, as hard as this all is for both of you. 🙁 The reality is that you got drunk and cheated on him. (Yes, making out with someone else is cheating.) Parties with alcohol are rampant, and if you’re not able to stay loyal to him just because there were cocktails, beer and wine served at the party, your boyfriend is right to think this might happen again.

I think you’ve blown this one beyond repair. Your boyfriend is holding on to a few of your things because he’s hurt and his feelings are complicated because ostensibly, things were fine, except for this one indiscretion that was a deal breaker. Don’t impute feelings of his getting back together with you over his holding on to these few things. The truth is he gave back most of your stuff. He’s done. That he’s asking for space is just his way of figuring out that he wants to break up with you — it’s hard for him, too, to do this suddenly. He wasn’t planning on hearing this news or breaking up with you. You, at least, had some time to figure out that you were going to come clean with him about what happened. He weathered an emotional storm.

What’s more important is for you to figure out why you cheated on your boyfriend. If deep down you wanted out, and this indiscretion was a way for you to act out your innermost feelings, then you should be honest with yourself. If you have a problem with alcohol and can’t hold your liquor, then you should address that. Or if you’re just weak when it comes to handsome men, then you need to address that!

You have work to do on yourself for future — regardless of who you’re with. So, stop thinking about your now ex-boyfriend, and start thinking about yourself. Roll up your sleeves, and do your personal work. The fact that you are capable of such honesty is going to help you in the long run, so don’t lose that. Your honesty is an important tool for you, as well as for any relationship you’re in, now or ever. 🙂

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