[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure if you’re actually dating Kevin, or if he’s just a man you’ve met who you’re possibly interested in. I wouldn’t worry about the age difference too much, but I would be very aware that sometimes he doesn’t call you, as you say.

That alone wouldn’t be of such concern, but the fact that he hangs out with women, some of whom he has slept with, and that you say he’s a party guy, and you’re not, makes me think that this may be more of a rebound relationship for you rather than a match that could go the distance. 😐

He’s also at a big advantage because you live in a community where women outnumber men. 😕

My advice to you would be to keep things light with him, and don’t commit your heart to a man you’ve only known and/or dated for a week or two. Try to get out and meet other men because you’ll not only increase your chances of meeting someone more compatible, but you won’t be putting all your eggs in one basket with Kevin!

It’s too soon to say if this could turn into a serious problem, but there do seem to be some incompatibilities between the two of you from the start that may not lead to commitment or marriage.

Hope this helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

While I can’t tell you if he’s cheating or not, I [b]don’t[/b] think you’re acting insecure. I think your boyfriend has given you reason to be uncertain about his loyalty to you.

The bottom line is that if he thinks you’re all that, then he would do anything to keep you happy, and if not texting “Princess” would make you happy, I would think it would be a small sacrifice to make for a woman he says he wants to marry. If he can’t stop texting other women to show his loyalty to you, well, then, my guess based on what you’ve told me, is that he’s playing you. The guy’s a player. 🙄

It’s very difficult for you to be in the situation you’re in because you don’t trust him. If you keep bothering him about his possible infidelities, you’re going to create a bad dynamic in the relationship because you’re going to become a nag, not a loving and supportive girlfriend. You’re already seeing some of the results of that.

In my book, Think & Date Like A Man, I tell readers that there are certain ways you can tell that a man is serious about you. One of the specific ways you can tell if your boyfriend is serious about you is that he starts acting like a couple with you. Your boyfriend clearly doesn’t fit that mold. If he’s living with you, and you’ve been together for over a year now, but he’s still texting other women, picking up phone numbers from women in clubs, calling these female ‘friends’ “Princess,” going to parties without you, as well as buying condoms — for anyone, doesn’t fit the mold of a man who is serious about you.

So, while I really can’t tell you if he’s cheating, I can tell you he’s not acting like a man who wants a future with you — and you alone! 😕

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry your boyfriend broke up with you after a year, but your questions about why he did it, and how he could do it don’t really serve you. You can’t know what’s in his head or in the part of his life where you weren’t. And I don’t have enough information from your post to spot any flashing red lights in the relationship. Understand that you’ll probably never know for sure why he broke up with you. But what is important is [b]you[/b]. 😛

You need to focus on yourself — especially since he’s not in your life any more. Let him go, altogether, and put the spotlight on you. You get to be the star of your life, now, and this time around with a guy, I hope I can help you more aware of what you want, and who the men you’re dating [i]really[/i] are, so that you can decide who to spend [i]your[/i] time with wisely. 😉

I know that the break up hurts, but rejections can be a big gift because you don’t have to be with someone who doesn’t want you. Some women write me with your story — except!! — that they’ve been with the guy for 3 or 4 years. 😮 You haven’t wasted all that time with someone who isn’t interested in marriage with you.

If you haven’t already bought it, check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can download immediately for $15.95, and start reading this week. Here’s the link. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] It will help you understand specifically what you have to do in order to find and get the man you want.

So heal your heart, and know that he wasn’t the right one. You’re going to have a great fall and winter ahead of you if you follow my dating advice, and get out there so Mr. Right can find you! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are both one phone call away from going to jail.

Assault is a crime, and one of you is going to call the police eventually, if the neighbors don’t. Please understand how serious a situation you are both in. Domestic violence escalates. And it sounds like you are in a pattern with your husband where the violence is escalating. Problems with rage and anger management are the catalyst for violence. The fight could be about anything — the garbage, infidelities, what’s being served for dinner — it doesn’t matter. What matters is the escalation of your pattern of anger into violence within your marriage.

Don’t fool yourself by saying that you let insects leave your home without squashing them or that your husband is a really good guy. Someone who hurts someone else is an assailant. It doesn’t matter how they treat insects or what kind of a good guy they are when they aren’t strangling you. Violence obliterates any other qualities you may think are kind.

The question of whether or not you can save your marriage is premature. You both have rage and violent tendencies that if untreated, will follow you into subsequent relationships if your marriage doesn’t survive. So the real question is can you treat your own anger and rage issues.

I believe you can — if you’re willing to do the work (which I believe from your candor, you are).

Start here: When you feel your temper flaring, [b]take yourself out of the situation[/b]. This is what teachers do with toddlers who can’t control their tempers: they give them a time out where they remove the toddler from the conflict. High school students who misbehave are given 5 day suspensions from school to cool down and consider what they’ve done. Our legal system assigns jail sentences to convicted assailants to remove them from the conflict. The more often they are convicted of assault the lengthier the jail sentences become.

Most people are able to regulate their own behavior, but you can’t. You need to learn how, so someone doesn’t do it for you or you don’t hurt someone or yourself. Tune in to how you’re feeling, and when you find your temper is going to flare, [i]remove yourself from the conflict[/i]. This will be a challenge for you because you’ve admitted that although your husband’s tendency is to go away and cool off, yours is the opposite, and you push for resolution of the conflict — through rage and violence. You need to stop that. Remove yourself from conflict. This will take practice.

Do it.

Make it your [i]personal responsibility[/i] to remove yourself from conflict when you feel your temper flaring. When people are allergic to shellfish and know that a lobster salad could cause them to go into anaphylactic shock, they are always on guard in restaurants. You need to treat your propensity towards rage the same way someone with a potentially life threatening allergy would. Be on guard when you’re in conflict, and be prepared to remove yourself from it immediately because you know that the consequence could be you losing control and resulting in violence.

When you have your violence under control (and this will be a life long challenge for you, just like someone with diabetes has a lifelong challenge to regulate sugar intake), think about this change in your attitude:

You get to choose whether you are going to [i]be right or be happy[/i]. You can’t be both all of the time, and it sounds like this is a big problem that escalates your anger with your husband. When your husband disagrees with you on something — decide to be happy, not right. Even if you know he’s wrong, allow him to be right. Don’t make it your business to extract an admission from him. Don’t enforce your righteousness. Let it go. For instance, in the example you gave where he was moving rocks in your car, and he denied doing it, and you know he wasn’t telling the truth, instead of demanding he tell you you’re right and that he lied, you could have chosen not to be right. From now on, let him have his point of view, and you say nothing [i]if[/i] it is going to escalate conflict. Decide to make peace in your marriage more important than being right.

I know you can tell how hard this is going to be, but it’s the only way you will be able contain the escalation of rage and violence in your marriage. And, again, this will be a lifelong practice for you. It’s not going to be like a flipped switch where you suddenly are able to change your behavior. Every time you are challenged, you’re going to have to consciously acknowledge the challenge, and give yourself the choice of being right or happy, and choose to walk let the other person be right.

If you can’t choose happiness, then take yourself away from the conflict to avoid a loss of temper and possible violent behavior on your behalf.

This is not something you can make your husband do — any of this. You can only change your own self by modifying your own behavior. But this is where you have to start. Your changes may be enough to make your marriage work. Or better, your husband may see your changes and make his own positive changes in the same direction.

You were right to ask for advice and help, and I hope you’ll let me know how things go, and if I can be of any direction to you during this challenge you have ahead of you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad my advice helped.

I would caution you, however, from being “the buddy” and “the girlfriend” at separate times. You can’t be both. You’re the girlfriend. End of story. It’s too much of a burden for you to be two separate people for your boyfriend just because you don’t want to show him how disappointed you are in him. It’s also not honest. 🙁

It’s really good that he was able to tell you his problem is that he has no direction in life, and for a man, it’s understandable that that would cause depression and kill his sex drive. Men get a lot of self esteem from their work and their success at work. They need to feel like successful warriors in order to feel good about themselves.

That said, your boyfriend may not be capable of being a boyfriend until he heals himself. Four weeks without sex is notable. If this goes on for another four weeks, I’d suggest you have a more serious problem on your hands. 12 weeks without sex with your boyfriend of three years, and I think you may have a deal breaker.

At a certain point, if he doesn’t take care of himself, you have to let him go. So balance being with him, in the moment, for now, but keep your eye on the future. If he doesn’t get his act together after a reasonable amount of time, and your sex life dwindles to nothing, you’re going to turn into a nurse, not a girlfriend.

My concern is that you’re [i]not[/i] a nurse! Nor is being a nurse something you signed on for. When you talk about your own depression as a result of being in a relationship with someone who’s depressed, I would encourage you to put the spotlight and mirror on yourself. Make sure you don’t get sucked into the dark hole of his depression. He can’t take care of you because he’s got his own problems, and if you get clinically depressed, you can’t take care of him or you.

So while you’re balancing your relationship and deciding how it’s going, check in on yourself and make sure you take care of yourself, first! I know that sounds selfish, but if a plane is going to crash, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, before you can be alert enough to help anyone else around you.

😉

The same is true when someone close to you isn’t doing well. You have to be healthy and happy in order to be of help or in a relationship with anyone else. You may have to let this boyfriend go in order to do that. So, one day at a time — but not forever.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not dating your brother! You’re dating someone who [i]resembles[/i] your brother. [b]Giant[/b] difference!

Lots of time people who have dated for a while, or who are married for a while begin to resemble each other. Many men find that either consciously or unconsciously they choose wives who resemble their own mothers. Women do the same thing with their husbands and fathers.

In fact, it’s very normal for people to want to be with a boyfriend or girlfriend who “fits in” with their family — whether it’s religious, ethnic, racial, social or intellectual similarities. So, it’s not a surprise that your boyfriend looks like your brother.

So, since you suddenly realized that your boyfriend resembles your brother, I’d cut yourself a break if I were you. Your boyfriend and your brother are two entirely different people. Resemblances happen and are normal, but your boyfriend is your boyfriend.

Enjoy your boyfriend. He’s a unique individual — and he’s yours! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend has shown over time that he’s not that interested in you. You’ve pursued him, and he’s given you a very luke warm reception. The question isn’t really, why is he saying what he’s saying when he’s saying it? The real question is, why do you like someone so much, who clearly doesn’t treat you very well?

Since you’ve bought a fabulous, new condo, and your life is on the upswing, let me help you dial it up even higher! 😛 Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man online. You can download it here for $15.95. [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] The book downloads immediately and you can start reading it this week. The book will help you understand how to get a man you want.

The first piece of advice is to stop writing him when he “rarely responds” just to vent. The second piece of advice is not to invite him over any more – especially when he doesn’t show up because “it slipped his mind” that he’d said he would show up! 😐 A man who really cares about you would make it a priority to see your new condo! ❗ That second invite to see your condo, where he went out of his way to tell you how you were inconveniencing him should have been a sign to you that he did not want to see you or your condo very much. 🙄

In fact, you should leave this guy alone, altogether. He’s your [b]old[/b] boyfriend. He’s not interested in you any more. He really treats you like a semi-friend.

It’s time to move on. You need a new boyfriend to match your new condo! 😉

You need to work on your self esteem and your own life so that you understand how valuable you are. 🙂 If you don’t do that, you’ll never feel like the prize in a relationship, and being the prize that men want is imperative to successful dating.

You’ll get a lot of good advice in my book — read a chapter a night, and by next month, I bet you’ll be in a completely different state of mind.

Let me know how it goes.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend, with whom you had the affair, told you you were the only one, and she couldn’t have sex with anyone else because she was waiting for you, because she was playing you. The reason she was playing you was to protect herself. She knew you were married and would likely not leave your wife. Therefore, to protect herself, she had to feel like she had control in the relationship with you. By lying to you, she did.

Maybe, if you can understand how vulnerable she felt by having an affair with a man she loved who would not leave his wife, you can understand how she needed to protect herself by lying to you and feeling powerful in this way.

See if you can find some equity in what’s happened. Your wife of 18 years has cheated on you, but you’ve gotten past it enough to stay in the marriage. Now, several years later, you’ve cheated on her. I know that 2 wrongs don’t make a right, but if you can find some equality in the fact that you’ve “evened” the scoreboard, so to speak, maybe you can turn your broken heart to where it belongs — your wife’s infidelity. I don’t think you’re over the hurt and I don’t think you feel like you can trust her completely. But, what you do have is 18 years between the two of you, and people do get through infidelities in marriage. But it’s work.

My advice is to forget the mistress. She was just someone with whom you worked out your feelings after your wife’s affair. She was the wrong person, though. You should have worked things out with your wife — but the truth is that that is enormously hard work. Now that your mistress has cheated on you, your hurt is opening the old wound of your wife’s infidelity. Let the mistress go, even though this will be hard for you to do. Your wife is the person you need to work things out with. The mistress isn’t a real part of the equation.

Talk to your wife. Go out on dates with her. Within the marriage, see if you can make your wife the girlfriend she used to be to you. And keep talking. This is a lot harder than it sounds. See if you can remember why you fell in love with her, and why you married her. What good have you learned about her over 18 years. Life is full of black, white, and mostly shades of grey. Try to focus on the positive, and rebuild your marriage. Things may never be the way they were, but it sounds like you’ve both invested a lot in each other, and for that reason, I believe you have a future with your wife — but you’re going to have to work at it. You can do it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Who cares about him? He dumped you by text. 😯 On your birthday! 😥

I don’t think you should waste [i]one more minute[/i] wondering about him. He isn’t worth it.

As far as figuring out what happened, it’s unfair of you to start tearing him apart [i]now[/i], and hyper-analyzing all the weird things about who he is and what he did and does, when in fact, [i]you[/i] fell in love with him and allowed yourself to be exclusive to him after only a few weeks.

If anything, you probably weren’t discriminating enough about who he was before you declared your love for him and made yourself exclusive. You need to see yourself as a grand prize that men should [b]be lucky[/b] to win! If after only a few weeks, you decided you were in love, my guess is that not only was there not enough of a chase for the prize involved, you didn’t really pay attention or try to get to know who he was before allowing him to have you. Possibly, you didn’t know what you wanted. But now, you can. 🙂

The truth is, you’re hurt because he broke up with you, and you’re just looking for reasons to blame him or make his character and his behavior the reason for his breaking up with you. The reality is that he did you a favor. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. You want to be with someone who [i]adores[/i] you! He’s given you the opportunity to find Mr. Right without wasting one more second.

So heal your wounds and focus on yourself — not him. He’s your past. You are your future — and so is Mr. Right, who’s still out there for you! 😛

I’d recommend my book, Think & Date Like A Man, for you right now. (You can get it at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]) I think this is a really good time for you to read it because it will help you rebuild yourself and start to figure out what you want from a man, and how to get it. You’ll learn about how dating is a numbers game, and that you have to get up to bat many, many times, in order to hit that grand slam out of the park. Mr. Right is out there — but the book helps you determine what he looks like so you don’t waste your time with guys who are so tasteless that they’d break up with you by text, on your birthday. Yikes! 😕

I know you’re hurt, but believe me, you dodged a bullet on this one. You’re going to be much better off without Mr. Wrong.

Forget your ex-boyfriend, and move on with your own life. It’s going to be fabulous because you’re going to learn from this last mistake how to do better next time. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Slow down, cowboy! 😉

First of all, one of my strongest pieces of advice that I write about in my book for women called Think & Date Like A Man, is that you [i]should not[/i] call men and/or arrange dates with them. You should not be the aggressor. It breaks one of the basic dynamics of dating: [b]Men like to chase women.[/b] If you take the chase away, by calling him and telling him you want to meet, you’re taking away [i]his[/i] opportunity to chase [i]you[/i]. So slow down, and let the man be the one to call you. If and when he’s interested, he will. Even you live 2 and a half hours away, and you happen to be in his town. Convenience does not trump his being the one to chase you.

Second, since you’ve never even met this guy, and he suddenly gets cancer, he’s got a lot more on his mind than dating, as you admit in your post. This is a time when he has to decide what’s important in his life and how he’s going to conduct his life in the immediate future. He’s probably got a lot on his plate in every area of life. He’s really busy and preoccupied. So, rest assured that he knows how to contact you, and if he wants to, he will. Back off and let him heal. If he wants you to be part of that process, he’ll ask you. But let [i]him[/i] ask [i]you[/i].

Third, I know you think this is a strange situation, but the truth is, it’s not. The facts are you don’t know this guy very well. You’ve met online and have been corresponding for 3 weeks. He got cancer, suddenly and recently, and he’s not making any moves to get together right now. That’s pretty clear if you’re willing to look at it. So don’t be confused. Accept the facts.

Now for the fourth and final point. 🙂 Dating is a numbers game. You have to get up to bat a lot in order to make one of those swings a grand slam. That’s a metaphor for getting out there and meeting and dating lots of men. If you don’t keep getting out there and dating, you’re not going to get a lot of chances to find Mr. Right. So while it’s fine to be there if he wants to correspond with you online, at the same time, don’t put all your eggs in one basket so you’re waiting to hear from him, and focusing all your energy on a guy you haven’t even had a date with yet. Go out and meet other men, too. See who’s there for you! 😀 You don’t have to rule this guy out, but understand he’s got bigger issues than dating someone new on his plate right now, and this may just not be the time for him to call you to get together.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, but I think this relationship has run it’s course and is not salvageable. 🙁 If after living together for 5 years, your boyfriend is now wanting space within your home together to make late night phone calls to his old flame, and probably other women as well, and suddenly says the relationship will only work with a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, you’re basically being used. He wants other women. It’s time for you to move on.

Relationships have their own lives, but this one is dying. After 5 years, a relationship that was growing towards intimacy and closeness would have resulted in marriage or some kind of commitment. Instead, yours has gone in the opposite direction and he’s basically breaking up with you without moving out of the house.

For your own sake, either kick him out, or you move out, and start valuing yourself so that you know what a great boyfriend looks like — and if you want to know what one doesn’t look like, it’s a five year live-in boyfriend who wants to chat with other women at all hours of the day and night, and not allow you to ask any questions about his whereabouts. That, I’m afraid, is the definition of a bad boyfriend. 🙄

Next!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m happy to have you here, and so glad you’ve posted, but for future, any questions you have that need answers should be posted on the Q&A forum. So, I’ll answer this here now, but look forward to reading your posts on that forum!

Break ups are never simple, and it’s rare that anyone has feelings that are completely black and white. Your ex-boyfriend still checks your blog because he still has feelings for you. They may be feelings of curiosity. They may be feelings of sentiment. They may be feelings of loss. They may be other feelings or some melange of all of them. So, yes, it does mean something that he checks your blog since your break up with him 3 months ago.

However, that doesn’t mean he wants to get back together with you. Don’t misread his checking your blog for anything more than it is. And don’t take any actions towards him as a result of your realizing he may still care enough to read your blog. Honor the break up and know that everyone grieves, heals and moves on in their own way. Sometimes looking back is just a glance over one’s shoulder. Other times it’s a peak at an ex’s blog.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re trying to fool yourself out of reality and you’re wasting your time with this guy. He dated you for an [i]entire year[/i], and then broke up with you because he didn’t want a relationship. [i][b]Now[/b][/i] he wants to get to know you? 😯

[i]Now[/i], after a full year of dating, he suddenly says he is considering doing things for you he hasn’t for any other woman? [i][b]Now?![/b][/i] He’s [i][b]considering[/b][/i] it?!

Don’t waste another minute with this guy. Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and read it, so you can better understand how to get what you want in a relationship, not waste time, and weed out men who are full of baloney from the ones who are ready to truly be with you in every way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can help you, but you’re not going to like what I have to say.

You can’t make someone love you. You can’t make someone love you enough. You can’t make a man propose to you. You can’t make a relationship work when one person in it doesn’t want a future together.

Your boyfriend is very clear with you. He doesn’t love you. He likes having sex with you and he likes not having to be alone, and since you’re always reading and willing, he’s been spending time with you. But he’s not going to marry you.

Don’t you want to be with someone who loves you?

I suggest you accept reality. Don’t go to visit his parents. Cancel that trip. It’s a waste of your time as a 31 year old single woman who wants a man she can call her own, and who loves her back with a passion that nothing will stop. Go find that guy! He’s out there. Don’t waste any more of your time in your 30s with men who aren’t available to you for what you clearly want.

Since your boyfriend is moving to Greece, make this the official break up. Give yourself the gift of self-respect and understand that if you’re the prize in a relationship, some wonderful guy is going to want you! What you’ve done instead, is you’ve thrown yourself at this guy over and over even when he tells you he doesn’t love you and can’t offer you a future. That’s not the way a healthy relationship works. A man shouldn’t “struggle” to[i] try[/i] and love you. It’s not supposed to be that hard. If you continue with this guy, a life of misery will be yours. 😥

Get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page. It’s $15.95 and you can download it immediately. Read it — start this weekend. And re-read it after he goes to Greece.

You’ve got a great future out there if you let this guy go. He’s not yours to have anyway. He’s made it clear to you. Listen to him, now.

I wish you luck in the hard work you have ahead of you, but I know that if you do it, you’re going to ultimately have a wonderful life with someone who appreciates and wants you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes — you can respond, but make it WAY brief!! A simple smile face 🙂 is all that’s required in this text response! Got it?? Don’t call. Don’t e-mail. Be your fabulous self, but don’t chase him in any way or give him the impression that you’re too available.

You went on one date with him, and it’s understandable that he’s playing the field — as are (or should be) you! 😉 Dating is a numbers game, and the more often you get up to bat, the more often you have the opportunity to hit a grand slam. So make sure that you’re still available to other men, and play the field in more than just your kickball game! 😆

At the same time, do protect yourself, as you are now, by acknowledging that this is a nice guy, who’s “out there” dating the field to see who’s right for him. Who knows? Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s that other woman. Maybe it’s someone else. Or maybe Mr. Right is on the opposing team you’re going to play next game! Keep an open mind and an open heart.

[i][b]Date smart![/b][/i] 🙂

[Member]

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