[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes — you can respond, but make it WAY brief!! A simple smile face 🙂 is all that’s required in this text response! Got it?? Don’t call. Don’t e-mail. Be your fabulous self, but don’t chase him in any way or give him the impression that you’re too available.

You went on one date with him, and it’s understandable that he’s playing the field — as are (or should be) you! 😉 Dating is a numbers game, and the more often you get up to bat, the more often you have the opportunity to hit a grand slam. So make sure that you’re still available to other men, and play the field in more than just your kickball game! 😆

At the same time, do protect yourself, as you are now, by acknowledging that this is a nice guy, who’s “out there” dating the field to see who’s right for him. Who knows? Maybe it’s you. Maybe it’s that other woman. Maybe it’s someone else. Or maybe Mr. Right is on the opposing team you’re going to play next game! Keep an open mind and an open heart.

[i][b]Date smart![/b][/i] 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me be your flashlight so you can find your way out of the dark woods! 🙂

You are very clear about who your boyfriend is and who you are and what the situation is. That’s good. Now, you have to take a step back and imagine you had a best friend or a daughter, who has been with a guy for 2 1/2 years who has never given her a commitment, has fooled around on her, and has now moved in with her, but she doesn’t trust him, with good reason. Wouldn’t you tell her that she’s allowing herself to be taken advantage of? You bet!

Only it’s not the boyfriend who’s doing the wrongdoing. It’s her — and that ‘her’ is YOU!

The only way you’re going to find what you say you want in a man, is to value yourself enough so that everyone else around you does, too. If you sell yourself short, so are other people, and that’s what you’ve done. Self-respect is contagious, in a good way. If you start giving yourself the respect you deserve, you’ll find yourself surrounded with like people. Like attracts like, so the self respecting woman, who gets the respect she gives herself, and deserves. 🙂

You’ve made some big mistakes, and it’s important to look at them so you don’t repeat them, but don’t beat yourself up over them. You can correct them now, but let’s take a look.

You dated a guy who didn’t want a commitment. Mistake. 🙄

You knew he was “messing around” but you stayed in the relationship. Mistake. 😮

You moved in with him without a commitment or a sense of a future together. Mistake.

Now, you can’t trust him and you tell him that HE deserves better than a woman who doesn’t trust him. Beyond mistake. 😯 Pathetic. (Sorry, but it’s true.) If some bully was beating you up in an alley, would you apologize to him for being in the alley? No! You’re sinking into this low self esteem faster than an anchor in clear water.

So, let me help you change your life. It’s going to be hard work, but you [i][b]can[/b][/i] do it — especially if you really want a man who will commit to you and want to marry you. So keep that prize in mind when you’re having to do the hard work.

First of all, try and understand that you’re in a no win situation right now. There is no way this man wants a relationship with you and he’s made it very clear. I know you get it, but what you don’t get is your own value. I bet you’re attractive, smart, talented, fun, romantic, passionate, interesting and curious about the world. That counts for something in a relationship! In fact, it counts for a lot. Understand what you bring to the table. You’re loyal, sexy, empathetic and a great companion. You want a family, a future, and more with a man. Do you know how many men are out there who want that with a woman? A LOT!! 😉

But as long as you are living with this guy, you’re not available to any of those other men. You’re taken. It doesn’t matter if your boyfriend treats you like a live in roommate he can sleep with — no decent man is going to date you as long as you’re living with this guy.

So move out.

Yes — move out.

Surround yourself with friends and family who truly care about you and your goal of being with a man who is Mr. Right. They’ll help you as you break up with this guy (yes, I said “break up with this guy”) and start focusing on yourself.

Yes, this is going to hurt. Break ups are supposed to hurt. You’re going to miss him as long as you continue to remember the good stuff and not the situation you sunk yourself into with this guy. So stay sharp! Hard work hurts sometimes, whether it’s building muscles in the gym, giving birth to a baby or pulling an all nighter to prepare for a final exam at school. Buckle up. Life is tough and it’s not for the weak or the faint of heart. You have what it takes — I know because you wrote me! 🙂

Once you start taking care of yourself, you’re going to be a magnet for men. I want you to order my book called Think & Date Like A Man. You can get it at this link [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] for only $15.95, and it downloads immediately. You can start reading this weekend! The book will help you focus on what you want in life (Mr. Right) and how to get it. It will be a guide that you can read each day (even a page a day) to help you move forward into a life full of love, happiness, sex and respect. If you can get out of this relationship you’re in now, anything is possible — and all of it good.

I hope this helps. You deserve Mr. Right. Now, do the work, and make yourself available to him!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Are you ready for some tough love? Because here it comes:

I know you say that you want a committed relationship, but I don’t believe you. Because if you really wanted one, you would make yourself available for one. Right now, you’re trapped and at the mercy of your on again off again live in boyfriend’s feelings. If after 3 years of dating, on and off, and you still don’t have a committed relationship from him, you’re fooling yourself and wasting your time.

Just because you have a lease together, doesn’t mean you have a committed relationship with this man who’s name is on the lease with you, and who sometimes wants to have sex with you, but sometimes doesn’t. 😕

In fact, I think you entered into this lease agreement to further trick yourself into believing he is more interested in a future with you than he actually is. When women try to trick themselves like this, they are the only ones who come out losers. You are not locked in to the lease. Read it. There are ways to get out of it. They will cost you money, but you’re going to pay a price one way or another for having jumped too soon into a living together situation with a guy who isn’t fully committed to you, emotionally, socially — and sexually!

As much as you say your on again off again boyfriend is scared of commitment, I think you’re just as scared of being alone.

Why else would you devalue yourself so much as to put yourself in this position? If Mr. Right does come along, you can bet he’s not going to date a woman who lives with her on again off again boyfriend.

Face your fears of being alone, and be brave. You deserve to have full on love and happiness and the commitment and support of a man who feels like he’s won the grand prize in you. The only way you can get that is to make yourself the prize. Not the giveaway party favor that everyone gets! ❗

When you’re ready to put your needs front and center (and that’s your need and desire to be in a committed relationship with a man), and stop being second best to his off and on feelings, then, and only then, are you going to be in a position to meet Mr. Right.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m happy to help you, but next time, please post your question in the Q&A Forum at his link, [url]https://www.askapril.com/forums/viewforum.php?f=1[/url], on this site. You’ll get a lot more attention from other readers in similar situations, and more attention from me, there!

But since I’m here, now, here’s my advice:

Sadly, your girlfriend is breaking up with you, and your heart is splitting because you don’t want to lose her. It’s very normal for a 16 year old girl who’s in high school to have lots of different interests, and to want to keep her options open! The reason I’m telling you this is that it’s not necessarily your fault that she wants to break up with you. It’s actually age appropriate for a lot of girls her age. I hope that knowing that makes you feel less responsible for the break up. Sometimes, no matter what you do, the relationship just isn’t going to work out. Remember, 16 year olds who have long term relationships are more the exception than the norm.

You’re going to hurt for a while until you get over her, but there are things you can do to make your heart heal faster. They sound simple, but these tips work: Get enough sleep. Eat well (no junk!) 😉 , and exercise. Don’t sit around and mope. Get out of the house and spend time with family and friends who are supportive and want the best for you. Stay active. This is a great time to join a club or get involved in a political venture or a business or an activity you’ve always wanted to, but didn’t have time for. In other words, make yourself a priority. Buy yourself some new clothes so you feel upbeat. Get a haircut. Treat yourself well.

Then, start getting back into the dating game. My biggest piece of advice to you, this time around, is to find a woman who is not in high school, to date. Since you’re out of high school, your life is very different from a high school student’s life. You’ll have more in common with someone closer to your age — or lifestyle. You’ll also have more success in love with someone who isn’t in high school.

Hang in there! Broken hearts do heal, and you will find love again. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad you were able to take my advice without backing down. I hope I can continue to be supportive and honest with you, and that you’ll be just as supportive and honest with those in your own life.

I can hear how much you want a family, and I think that’s a [i]great[/i] dream to have and hold on to, [i]and[/i] to make happen. You can do it! [b]But not with him.[/b]

If you want a family, the first thing you have to understand is that you have to make choices for the family — not for yourself. Your sometime boyfriend is not a good family man. A perfect example of this is your own description of how hurtful, troublesome and destructive to your family this other woman has been — and yet this is who your boyfriend chooses to cheat with; this who he chooses to start a family with; and this is who he chooses to have in his life! He [i]does not [/i]have your best interests at heart. He [i]does not[/i] have your children from your prior marriage’s best interests at heart. He does not have your daughter’s best interests at heart — and he’s her father! Any man who wants to do right by his children, will make a stable home for them, and will respect and treat their mother well. This guy is causing chaos in your home and he’s not treating you well.

You have to start thinking of people other than yourself. You have children who need their mother to make their home stable and constant, and not to be chasing after some bad guy just because she thinks she loves him — but doesn’t know why. 😯

Forget the other woman. [i]He chose her. [/i] She is not your enemy. She’s his sometime girlfriend, just like you are, and you both have children with him. I hate to tell you this, but she could end up as your daughter’s stepmother sometime in the future. So you’d do best to stop talking about her, and focus on the real problem at hand.

You [i]can[/i] find a great man who will give you that family you so want. But you will [i]never[/i] find him as long as you continue to engage with Mr. Wrong.

Your best shot at your dream is to extricate yourself from this guy. I know I’m repeating myself here, but you have to get childcare, get a job, and get your ducks in a row in your own life before you can get out there in the dating game, and find your true and real Mr. Right. Get a child support order to help out financially with the new baby, strengthen yourself and your family. Your children will see by example what a great mother you are, and will appreciate and respect you that much more — and the biggest bonus in all this is that a man, who’s out there, will, too.

Sincere good luck to you — I really want this dream you have for yourself, to come true for you and your kids! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Optimistvik hit the nail on the head by saying you should make a “firm decision.” Don’t react — take charge! You’re old enough to make a master plan for the rest of your life. You can always come back and make adjustments, but if you don’t act with some kind of grand plan in mind, you’re going to spend the rest of your life reacting, and you’ll find one day your dreams have passed you by, all the while you’ve been reacting to other people and other situations.

Be the star of your life — and make sure you write yourself a good script! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you, Ritt! 😛

Hope you’ll be a regular here.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What, exactly, is it you’re waiting for? 😕

You’ve been dating this guy for over three years, and he’s jerking you around left and right. First he tells you he loves you and wants to marry you. Then he says he can’t look at you the same way as he had because you’ve been partying (which you say is infrequent). He says he wants to work on being a better man for you — and then he starts making rules for you to be a better woman. No wonder this is draining you emotionally. 🙄

Stop waiting for the bus that isn’t coming. Your boyfriend is trying to separate from you, and is having trouble doing so. All signs point to his pulling away — not coming closer together with you. After 3 years of dating, this should not be the dynamic.

See the relationship for what it is. The water isn’t really so muddy, as you say in your title to this post. It’s actually pretty clear. He’s not treating you like he wants you and cherishes you. He’s acting like a guy who wants out, but is going to make a big mess until either he finds the courage to quit you, or makes you miserable enough to quit him.

Do both of yourselves a favor: move on. You deserve a lot more in a relationship than this! 🙂 After 3 years, your relationship should be a lot more intimate and supportive than what you describe here. Get out there, play the dating game, and leave this current boyfriend alone to figure out his own life. You [i]can[/i] find love, fun and happiness — just not in this relationship.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m very glad to help you, but for future, please post any relationship issues in the Q&A Forum where you’ll get more attention from other readers and more attention from me, too! 😀

But since you’re here, and so am I, here’s my answer to your question:

Your ex-boyfriend is being very, very clear with you, but you’re not hearing him [i]or[/i] paying attention to his behavior. You want him back, and you’re letting your feelings trick your brain into thinking that there’s a way he doesn’t mean what he says! 😕

When your ex-boyfriend showed up at your house with a bottle of wine one week after your break up, he was making a full on [b]booty call[/b]! He orchestrated a night of ex-sex, and that was that. Since the sex was good, he wants more — sex! Not a relationship — just the sex. 😮 He couldn’t be more clear when he says he doesn’t want to tie you down; he doesn’t want a relationship now; he may not be ready to marry for at least a few years.

I don’t think you can win him back. He’s made that clear. But…if you want to win [i]yourself[/i] back, then consider the ex-sex for what it was — a one night stand with your ex. [b]Now[/b], it’s time to move on and not waste any more of your life with someone who isn’t going to be [i]your[/i] Mr. Right.

Break ups are difficult, and he’s making it tougher by dangling sex in front of you, knowing you want all of him, but hoping you’re weak enough to settle for a small part of him (no pun intended! 😉 ). But y[i]ou have the strength[/i] to know you deserve more than that! Sex isn’t that hard to get — but a relationship with someone who wants intimacy, companionship, true love and a future together, as well as sex — is more of a challenge. It’s also [b]a lot[/b] more rewarding. So consider yourself the prize that you are, and find someone who wants that prize enough to make you his and make himself yours. Don’t be the booby prize by throwing yourself at any guy who isn’t offering you his whole self, in return.

Find Mr. Right — your ex is not that guy.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like he either wants to end things for good and have them finalized, or to just explain to you face to face, what he’s been going through and why. Your last card to him, that didn’t have any mention of love or a relationship probably gave him the idea that you were ready to talk to him without the two of you being more than good friends who used to be together.

Since you’ve been in touch several times since the break up six weeks ago, and have been friendly and non-dramatic, without pressing him, I think it’s a good idea to go hear what he has to say. Be open. Be honest. But don’t expect too much. This is going to be all about him, not you. He’s either going to tell you what a tizzy he’s been in and why, or he’s going to tell you that he wants to break up and he’s giving you the courtesy of a proper face to face meeting.

It sounds like either way, you’re going to get some closure in the relationship. Hopefully, this will give you some peace and allow you to move on with your own life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry — you’re not going to like this, but here’s the truth: He’s not interested in having sex with you.

You’re doing all kinds of mental gymnastics to try and trick yourself into thinking he [i]must [/i]really want you, but [i]he[/i] has a problem which is why your sex life has died! Wrong.

He asked you to move in with him because you lost your job and he wanted to help you save money.

You already said that the two of you have been [i]off and on[/i] for 3 years, and you’re [i]not[/i] in a committed relationship with him even though you wanted to be, so it was wrong of you to think that moving in together was suddenly going to create a romance that didn’t really exist when you weren’t living together. It sounds like he was using you for friendly convenience sex over the last 3 years.

My advice to you is not to waste any more time in this guy as a boyfriend. Get a new job so you can afford to move out on your own, and in the meantime, stop thinking of him as your boyfriend. Once you get your own life together (your job and your own apartment), you can start looking for someone who does want to have sex with you because he thinks you’re the greatest – not because you happen to be available. Why waste your time and live with someone who treats you like this?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You need to call on your maturity to make an appearance! 😉

You’ve already given it a go on more than one occasion with this woman who’s now come back into your life again. But this time, you have a girlfriend. Just because you feel passion for your ex-girlfriend doesn’t mean you have to act on it. Not every feeling you have has to be expressed! 😆

If you allow it, your ex-girlfriend will come in and out of your life and wreak havoc whenever she appears for the rest of your life. Either make it work with your ex-girlfriend this [i]one[/i] last time, or decide that she was a great love in your life — one that you will always hold feelings for, but will not act on — but not someone who could give you stability, and that that is important to you, and your current girlfriend offers you that, among other qualities that you respect and admire.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you’re 100 percent sure that he cheated on you, then why would you want to go back with him?

If you need some closure, to say goodbye, or if you need to confront him because you’re 90 percent sure he cheated, but want to hear it from him so that you can be 100 percent sure one way or the other, then you should contact him and ask him if that’s what happened.

It definitely sounds like there’s been some change in his behavior, and it’s impossible to have a working crystal ball or to be able to read his mind, so either trust that he cheated on you and move on — no break necessary — or have a face to face and ask him what happened and if what you’d heard is true.

Regardless, if after 6 months of dating your boyfriend tells you he needs “a break”, then I wouldn’t advise you to waste another minute of your precious time with him! There are men out there who wouldn’t give you up for all the world for “a break.” If he can’t appreciate you, then you’re much better off with someone else, who will! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You already know she has a historical drinking problem. That’s why you told her to show up and not be drunk — because she has in the past. It’s only going to get worse, and from your post, it seems that it has. Your girlfriend has bigger problems than her relationship with you, and you’re not in the position to fix the problems for her, or to have her take your advice. A sit down or a good talking to isn’t going to resonate for her. She’s got a an alcohol issue.

When someone is an alcoholic or abuses some other substance, it is very difficult for them to take normal, every day advice. They would rather be drunk, then respect your time or feelings. They have to lose the people closest to them, or hit bottom in some way, before they even begin to want to make changes for themselves.

And so, my friend, I think it’s time for you to say goodbye to this woman. You deserve someone who is able to show up on time, not drunk — I mean, how big a request [i]is[/i] that?? Not very! Imagine if you asked her to show up and you had your family with you. Or an important event. If you don’t break up with her now, your life is going to become one big circus. You’re never going to know if she’ll show up at all, or late, or early or if when she does, if she’ll be sober or drunk. This is way too big a burden for a nice guy to take on.

You deserve more. And she deserves not to be enabled. She needs to understand you will not put up with this kind of behavior. And the more people who send her that message, the more she will begin to realize her friends are no longer with her any more because of her drinking.

So, in answer to your question, yes, it’s time to move on. There are wonderful women out there who are ready and willing to be your girlfriend!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

How many times will you keep putting yourself in harm’s way before you stop?

Over and over again this guy has hurt you and yet, you keep going back to him. Your problems with his new girlfriend are just you fooling yourself into blaming [i]her[/i] for the mistakes [i]you’re[/i] making. You haven’t mentioned a single thing this other woman has done that’s anywhere close to offensive. Because she hasn’t. It’s not about her. Wake up and smell the coffee — this guy was cheating with his new girlfriend — and other women, too — while he was with you. You caught him, and yet, you kept coming back to him. You know this guy has a lot of problems, and a history of them, and yet, you’re still trying to make a family with him.

Yikes!?! 😐

You are not a victim. You are an adult participant in this chaos, and you’re dragging your children into it, too. So, if you want to stop letting this guy and his new girlfriend affect you, [i]get real[/i] and understand this is not a good guy. Maybe if you can wrap your head around that, that will help you separate from him emotionally.

So, starting today, you have to stop being anything more than a co-parent with this guy who is now the father of both your baby, and his new girlfriend’s baby, too. [i]That’s it.[/i] Co-parents. Nothing else. Don’t live with him. Don’t have meals with him. Don’t go out with him. The only phone calls that you make or accept from him have to do with parenting your daughter together. Don’t kiss him. And I hope you don’t need me to tell you not to sleep with him.

You have to move on with your own life. Get some child care and get a job. Live with your family members until you can afford your own place. Focus on your children, and set an example for them as someone who recovers from mistakes, works hard, and gets back on her feet after a fall — or two, or three! 😉

Unfortunately, you’re all going to be in this triangle for the rest of your lives because both you and your so called nemesis have had children with this man, so you’d better learn to set up some boundaries and live a healthy life by shedding some of your old ways.

You [b]can[/b] do it, but you’re going to have to do some real work changing yourself.

[Member]

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