[April Masini, your AskApril]

If he’s only talking to his old high school girlfriend every now and then, I don’t think it’s a big deal, but if, as you say, he’s talking so much on his cell phone you have to change your billing plan to accommodate all those minutes, and she’s calling him at home, on his cell, e-mailing and Facebooking him, I think you have a problem.

Tell your husband that his reuniting with his old girlfriend, and their communications, as you’ve described them above, are threatening your marriage. Tell him that you’d like him to stop talking to her on the phone and by e-mail. If he wants to get together with her, with you along, also — for lunch one day, you’d understand that kind of friendship. But this is not okay. Tell him that you hope that you and your marriage are a priority for him.

Hopefully, your feelings and your marriage will mean enough to him to put an end to this relationship he’s having with his old, ex-girlfriend.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to approach this situation is to do so by asking your girlfriend for her help with your problem — and make it your problem. If you start blaming her for the way she dresses or putting her on the defensive, you’re going to get no where. Approach the situation as if you’re the one with the problem, not her, and you’d like her help in making you feel more comfortable. Try to leave any judgment about the way she dresses, out of the conversation. If you accuse her of dressing too provocatively, she’s going to get defensive, angry and lash out.

Tell her that you feel really jealous when she’s dressed to kill, and other guys are noticing and making comments. Tell her that you don’t feel like she belongs to you when she dresses like that when she goes out without you. Then see what she says.

Remember to tell her how beautiful she is, and that you don’t like sharing her with other guys — even if all they’re getting is an eyeful.

Let me know how it goes. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can see how much work you’re doing on yourself, and it’s a pleasure to see — so pat yourself on the back for me! 😀

Now, as far as dating as a single parent being a nightmare, it doesn’t have to be. You’re enabling your daughter’s father by allowing him to not be responsible for a custody schedule and not being responsible for child support. You may think you’re being nice, but you’re not. The reality is if you get a court ordered custody schedule where he is required by law to take your daughter to his home every other weekend from Friday after school until Monday morning when he drives her to school, and maybe even, eventually, one night a week, also, from after school until the next morning when he drives her to school, your daughter gets [b]stability[/b] in a schedule. She’ll know when she will see her father. In addition to the stability, consistency and the valuable relationship your daughter will get to have with her dad as a result of a court ordered custody schedule, it will give you [i]a break! [/i]Single parents [i]need[/i] this break. During this break, you will be able to sleep if your need to, get errands done, and, yes, even date! This break also shields your daughter from your dating life. If she’s with dad for the weekend, she doesn’t have to be a party to your dates, and that’s another gift to her.

So, please stop enabling your ex-husband, even after the divorce. Get a custody schedule, and stick to it! Your dating as a single parent nightmare may even turn into a good dream! 🙂

As for your hating to make decisions for a guy and be in charge all the time — [i]just stop doing it[/i]. You’re not being forced into doing it. [i]Nobody[/i] is forcing you. This is behavior you have to learn to modify. So, next time you see a situation where the man should be doing something, but isn’t…don’t open your mouth. Don’t pick up a phone. Don’t run to the store — or do whatever you feel needs to be done. Don’t make the decision. Let a few things fall apart. And watch what happens next.

First of all, the guy gets to see the situation fall apart. You may be preempting his ability to see a problem because you’re so on it, you fix things before other people see the decisions or problems at hand. Second, you take away the chance for the man to see you be disappointed or hurt or angry when something doesn’t get done. How is he possibly going to get to know you if you don’t allow him to? If he sees how upset you are that he didn’t do something, then he has an opportunity to change [i]his own[/i] behavior — and be the hero next time around!

As far as your older, Italian boyfriend, I think you’ve got trouble on your hands. Regardless of whether or not he’s divorced, he continues to encourage his ex-wife and his adult, single daughters who live with him, to be a part of his life — in his very own home. Even when divorcing couples are in the process of separating, they respect each other’s homes and boundaries. Your boyfriend doesn’t have that boundary with the other women in his life. You’re going to have trouble establishing your own place in his life and I don’t think that you’re going to be happy until you feel like you’re number one, which you should be if you marry him. I think he won’t be able to tell his ex-wife and adult children that you come first, and you’re going to be the cause and/or the subject of a blow up. Your little girl is going to be a party to this.

Don’t be seduced by his friends and family complimenting you. You have a history of taking care of other people and even enabling them. For a change, you need to put yourself (and your daughter) first.

So since you don’t want to break up with this guy right now, I think your idea of dating other men at the same time, to keep your options open is a great idea. If and when your older, Italian boyfriend finds out that he’s no longer the only man you’re dating, don’t be defensive. Tell him without any venom in your voice, that you love him, but you realize he’s got so many other adult women he’s taking care of that you will never feel like you’re the love of his life living in his house with his adult children living there and his wife traipsing in and out (and don’t fool yourself — as long as the adult daughters are living in his home, they have every right in the world to have their mother come into the house as their guests, just as they would any other friend or relative) of the house. Don’t give him an ultimatum. Don’t tell him what to do. Don’t fix the situation. Just tell him why you’re dating other men — because you want to be the love of someone’s life and you want to be the woman that they would do anything for to make their own — and that doesn’t mean just giving lip service to it. It means walking the walk.

Hope that helps! Let me know what happens.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re very brave for being so honest in your last post. That quality will take you far. Nurture it. And surround yourself with other people who have the same quality. It will make your path to finding Mr. Right that much shorter and easier. 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Ask her out on a date. She likes you. If she didn’t, she wouldn’t have invited you to dinner and sat next to you. She’s single and 40 and wants to see you and allows you to pick her up at the airport and drive her home — do you need a written invitation to ask her out? Don’t miss an opportunity, the way you have in your past. The worst that happens is that you ask her out and she declines the date — and I’ve bet you’ve been through worse than that in your 40 years! 😉

Check out my book called Date Out of Your League. I’ve written it for men just like you who need some guidance, tips and advice on knowing how to get a woman that they’re scared to get. This sounds just like you right now! You can download it from my website at this link [u]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/u]. It’s $14.95, and will be money well spent because it will help you with this relationship, as well as any others you may have.

So, go for it! The woman likes you! Ask her out! 😀

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sleep deprivation is like torture, so if your wife has been sleep deprived for years now, she’s miserable and not thinking clearly. All she wants is to sleep, and she hasn’t been able to. Sleep deprivation affects every facet of her life, and isn’t healthy. So, she’s not in a great place, herself. And certainly not in a great place to work with you on this problem. So, you need to find a way to woo her back on board — if it’s not too late for this problem that plagues [b][i]so many[/i][/b] couples!!

First, give her a gift of a week in a nice [i]quiet[/i] hotel so she can catch up on her sleep and be well rested before you start talking about solutions to the problem. When she’s slept for a week, sit down, and tell her you will do [i]anything and everything[/i] to fix your snoring so that her life with you is better than it has be. If you really want to hit a grand slam, present her with a gift (jewelry works!) to show your commitment to overcoming this problem and your giant apology for her having to go through these sleepless nights.

Then, together, start seeing doctors. If one doctor has no solution, then move on to the next one. You have to be very aggressive in seeking a cure for this problem that is fixable and will break your marriage if you don’t deal with it effectively. So, you have your work cut out for you!

In the meantime, here are some solutions that might work:

Separate bedrooms sounds Victorian, but it can be very sexy. Sometimes having a separate bedroom doesn’t sound so extreme if divorce is the other end of the spectrum.

Figure out if your snoring happens if you’re just on your back. Some women actually sew a tennis ball into the back of their man’s pajamas, so if he rolls on his back, he’ll be uncomfortable enough from the tennis ball, to go back onto his side — and not snore.

Surgery. There are surgeries that can correct whatever blockage you have that is creating the snoring problem. Check with your dentist as well as your primary care physician. Sometimes a dentist or oral surgeon can help you more than a regular general practitioner with this problem. Occasionally, there’s a blockage by the tonsils or the uvula in the back of the throat. Sometimes a deviated septum in your nose is creating improper air flow. Sometimes it’s something entirely different. There are sleep disorder clinics and lots of doctors you can go to for help.

Don’t you dare stop at one doctor who says he can’t help you when your marriage is on the line!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Think about it this way: Would you want to be in a committed, monogamous relationship, living with your partner, if he didn’t want to be in the relationships?

If you stay with your partner for the sole reason that you don’t want to hurt his feelings, here’s what’s going to happen: You’re going to get more and more resentful with each passing day. You’re going to act out. You’re going to treat him badly. You’re going to find yourself lying to him. And you’re going to be living a lie. And so will he.

Now. Is that really being kind to your partner?

Newsflash: Sometimes love doesn’t work out. You’ve given it your best shot, and if you’re ready to move on, then you have to honor who you are, because if you’re not honest with yourself, you can’t be honest with anyone.

In addition, your partner has a responsibility to accept you as a whole human being. That means sometimes there’s ups and sometimes there’s downs. This impending break up is going to be the culmination of a bunch of downs. He won’t be the first or the last man to be broken up with. Break ups happen.

What most people don’t realize is that they happen for the best. It serves no one’s interests to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with them, and when there are not children involved, it’s not a big family you’re breaking up.

So, go do what you have to do and do it with as much grace as you can find.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re putting your feelings ahead of of his. Just because you are ready to move on in a serious relationship, doesn’t mean he is. In fact, he’s giving you every sign he’s not ready. But instead of paying attention to his behavior, you’re looking for rationalizations or ways to manipulate the possible reasons for his behavior to fit [i]your[/i] agenda. 😐

Stop for a moment, and remember what you want. You want a man who is ready for a serious, long-term relationship and possibly marriage. So, why would you waste time on a man who clearly isn’t ready? Here are your clues, according to what you’ve written me, that he’s not that interested:

1. He’s distant.

2. He doesn’t tell you how he feels about you.

3. He doesn’t treat you like you’re special.

4. He’s stopped taking you out on dates after the one month mark in your relationship.

5. He no longer acts affectionate with you — that stopped after the first [i]2 weeks[/i] of dating! He only holds your hand while you’re watching television.

6. He only kisses you back when you initiate a kiss.

?!?!?

Do you need a Powerpoint presentation to help you understand he’s not interested in you?

Please download my book called Think & Date Like A Man [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] today. It’s only $15.95 and it downloads immediately. If you start reading now, by next weekend, you’ll be ready to find a real Mr. Right. Not someone who is oh so unavailable to you, that you’re trying to squint and change the lighting and trick yourself into believing he’s the one.

No. Way.

No. How.

So, don’t waste your time when you know you’re ready for a serious long term relationship, with someone who’s clearly not. Read the signs that he’s not ready. And move on. Go after what [i]you[/i] want — and date smart.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think you’re all that confused. In fact, I think you know what your problems are, you just need to do what it takes to address them.

From the bottom of your post up, the most important problem you have is that you recognize that you’ve become “the man” or the aggressor and caretaker in the relationship. This isn’t good. As a strong woman, you want a stronger man. The fix is easy. Quit being the man. Just quit it!

If he says he’s going to make Halloween plans, trust him. Quit checking up on him and finding fault with the way he’s doing things. If the plans fall through, then they fall through. No one’s gotten cancer as a result. And if he can’t seem to make plans or make and keep dates with you, well, then, you’ve figured something out about him.

If he doesn’t like your going out with the girls, and he wants to complain about it, don’t feel [i]you[/i] have to fix his problem. If he wants you, he’s going to have to woo you and convince you to go out with him. You’re supposed to be the prize in the relationship, as the woman, that the man wants to chase. It sounds like he wants you — but you don’t give him anything to chase. You throw yourself at him, and worse, you do it while complaining! Quit it. If you’re not available for a date, you’re not available for a date. His problem!

Do you understand the changes you need to make? I’m sure you’ll more easily see them than be able to make them, but I know how smart you are from your post, and I trust you can do it.

As for sex, it’s understandable that when you’re tired, you’re not interested, but I think that if you felt more respectful of your boyfriend, you would put his needs ahead of your being tired and find a way to make sex a priority.

But, I’m pretty sure that your underlying discontent is because you’re acting like the guy in the relationship and you’re resentful. When the underlying problem doesn’t get addressed, things like sex and Halloween dates become the subjects of conflict. Get to the root of the problem.

If you want more reading and guidance on what I’m talking about in this post, check out my book called Think & Date Like A Man. You can purchase it online for $15.95, and automatically download it and start reading. A chapter a day will do you a world of good. Here’s the link for the book: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]

[April Masini, your AskApril]

FIrst of all, it’s very normal to have the kind of symbiotic bliss you and your boyfriend have had in the beginning stages of the relationship. Couples often feel like they’re in this bubble of intimacy where it’s just the two of them against the world. That doesn’t last for very long — [i]normally! [/i] It’s much healthier for couples to not be everything to each other. Having friends, family and hobbies that you do separately is part of a healthy relationship for most couples who make it in the long term.

It is also very normal to go through ups and downs sexually, emotionally, and financially in relationships. These ups and downs are usually like waves and there are things couples can do to control the waves, and tricks they learn together and apart to weather tough times and even to prevent them — as they got to know one another and each other. But there are always changes and surprises in life. That’s the one constant you can be sure of.

So don’t blame yourself or feel solely responsible for your boyfriend’s depression.

That said, since you haven’t had sex in 3 weeks, and you feel that this is because he’s not interested, and you’ve presented him with lots of options and alluring situations that might tease him out of his boredom or depression, you should wonder what’s going on.

Since you’ve asked him what’s wrong, and he’s said he’s depressed, I think you have to accept that answer. The truth is that if one person in the relationship has a problem that is affecting the relationship, there is only so much you can do. For instance, if your boyfriend’s hypothetical weight gain was keeping him from having sex with you, there would be only so much you could do to encourage him back into bed. The burden of the problem is his to address. If he’s got a hypothetical medical problem that is keeping him from being affectionate and sexual with you, there is only so much you can do to lure him back to your regular sexual routine, but the burden of the problem would be his to address. The same is true with depression.

If he’s depressed to the point where he’s not functioning normally, as you describe, and his depression is interfering with his life, first of all, he’s got to be the one to deem the depression a problem, and then he’s got to be the one to try and address it. You can’t do it for him, as much as you want to.

My advice to you is to be considerate and compassionate with him, and continue to tell him how much you miss him and in which ways, but don’t become his “mother” or his caretaker. It’s an impossible role for you to take on. In addition, you have to make sure you take care of yourself. Sometimes when people see those around them behaving in a healthy and fun-loving way, they want the same for themselves. It’s really natural to see something you like, want it for yourself, and do what you can to get it. If you’re living a good life, he may want it, too.

Give it some time and see if things change, while addressing what I’ve suggested above. If it doesn’t change over time, understand that your boyfriend’s depression is not your problem. You can’t help someone with something they don’t want to change, or don’t do the work to change.

Let me know how things go!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is one of those times when it’s best to say nothing. Because your kissing another guy while you and your boyfriend were having trouble, is not the same thing as sleeping with someone else, and because you are pregnant and your boyfriend isn’t stable enough to handle your possible admission of kissing another guy when things were rocky with the two of you, I’d suggest you not say anything to him.

You have a baby coming, and you need to focus on providing a stable home for the child. When kids are involved, they have to come first, and adults have to start acting like adults and that means making tough decisions. I know that you feel guilty because you did your boyfriend wrong by kissing another guy. There are other ways to repent for having wronged him. You can commit yourself to being the most wonderful girlfriend, wife and mother in the world. You can bend over backwards to support him when things are tough — emotionally and otherwise. You can hold your tongue in the future when he does something you don’t like.

If you weren’t having a baby, I’d suggest otherwise, but the rules change when kids are involved.

I hope that that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

[i]Don’t call him.[/i] That’s my first piece of advice. I know it’s hard for you not to, but you’re broken up, and he’s moved on with someone else. Regardless of what you think, he’s not calling you, and he’s not dating you. He’s with someone else and you have to accept that in order to find some peace in your own life.

[i]Stop fooling yourself.[/i] That’s my second piece of advice, and it may be harder to do than the first piece of advice. Forget about what he said, and focus on what he does. You can tell a lot by a person’s behavior, and way less so by their words. And when their words and behavior don’t coincide, always trust a person’s behavior.

If you want to make a chastity vow for yourself, then do it, but don’t fool yourself into making a mutual vow with him. I can guarantee you he’s having sex with his new girlfriend, and is not going to give you a vow of chastity until marriage while he’s falling for someone new. Any vow of chastity until marriage the two of you made before he met his new girlfriend is off. You’d be fooling yourself to consider he’s still abiding by that.

When you and your boyfriend broke up after 6 years, and he said he needed to fall in love with you all over again, he was half right. What he meant is that he wanted to fall in love all over again. As it turns out, it’s with someone else, and he’s fine with that. When you said you didn’t want to be just friends because you were afraid he would run to someone else, you were half right. He was going to run to someone else, and you sensed it deep down. You thought that by being “best friends” you could prevent his moving on. That doesn’t work. When two adults break up, it’s really in their best interests to move on and date other people. If after doing so, they find they’ve made a mistake, then they’ve done so on their own terms, and they can try and rectify the mistake. So, maybe, one day in the future, you’ll get a phone call from him wanting to get back together — but more likely, you won’t.

I’m so sorry for being harsh with you, but when you describe your relationship and your problem, it’s so clear to me that you’re trying to hold on to someone and something that isn’t yours any more. I would advise you to heal your heart by taking care of yourself (eating, sleeping and exercising well), and spending time with supportive family and friends who want the best for you. It’s normal to have very hurt feelings after a 6 year relationship ends. But you have to pick yourself up and move on. There are many wonderful men out there who are waiting to find you, so consider dating again, and when you’re ready, go out there and let Mr. Right know you’re available!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, if your worst problem is that you love your boyfriend so much you have more love to give him than you have time with him to give it to him, give it to him in other ways! Knit him a sweater when you feel like you want to be with him but can’t. Bake him a cake or his favorite cookies when you want to be with him but can’t be. Write him a love letter or embroider your initials together in a heart on a pillowcase for him when you want to be with him and can’t.

Using your time and energy for him, without his actually having to be there, may solve the problem for you. And getting all these heartfelt gifts from you may endear him even further to you.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m glad I could help, but in response to your last post, let me make this clear for you again:

Your boyfriend is [i][b]not[/b][/i] right. He is using you. He is using his wife. He is helping you abuse your husband. He is being unfair to his children by putting their home at risk, and you are doing the same thing with your child. There is no future for you in this affair. He will never leave his wife for you. He’s even told you so!

Somewhere deep down, you have decided you don’t deserve everything from a man you love, and your married boyfriend smells that like a lion smells meat. He has honed in on you because you are vulnerable prey. He knows that as long as he plies you with romance, he can control you and get what he wants from you.

You will never get his true love. You’re only going to get cheap copies of it. He will tell you he loves you and wants to spend his life with you — he’ll tell you anything and everything — to get sex from you. And you are weak enough to believe that he loves you.

Go eat some Wheaties. You need to find your strength and break up with this married boyfriend who’s using you big time. Then decide if you want in or out of your marriage and act on it. Do your work! You’ve got the whole week ahead of you to get a head start on it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re in a tough situation because you got pregnant so quickly in a relationship — in fact, after only 3 months of dating. Now you’re living together after only 10 months together, and you have 4 other children from previous relationships. Whew! That’s a lot for anyone, let alone someone who’s only 22 years old.

My suggestion to you is to try and make this work and create a family together. If all you’re doing is fighting about petty things, one of you is going to have to diffuse the fighting. (It always has to start with one person.) My suggestion is that you take the high road on this one. Rather than act defensively with him, and argue back, when he criticizes you, stop and take a breath. Then smile at him and sigh, and tell him he’s right. You wish you could do more around the house — and that, in fact, you’re going to try. Then do it. Do try to do more around the house. (He’s not asking you to mow the lawn or shovel the snow while pregnant.)

When he tells you that you need to grow up and learn to live on your own, again, stop and take a breath. Tell him that he’s probably right, but that the reality is here you are with a baby to be born in 4 months, a child from a previous relationship, and a possible step-mother job for his 4 kids! You want to please him, and make a family with him so that you all have a home together, and that you love him.

I know you’re pregnant and under a lot of stress right now. So is he. Be kind to each other. Find the good things about each other. Give each other little love notes and presents. Try to keep your sex life going, and do your best to turn things around.

And in answer to your question, “Should it be this hard?” Yes. If you’re 5 months pregnant after knowing your boyfriend for only 10 months, and have 4 other kids between you, the answer is yes. It’s supposed to be this hard. So don’t complain — do the work, and get through the difficult years ahead of you. Together.

[Member]

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