[April Masini, your AskApril]

The problem is that after a 9 year relationship ended, you rebounded into another relationship that you hoped would replace the one you had just ended. It didn’t, and now you’re trying to not let go so you don’t feel that old break up scar again.

My suggestion to you is not to get into a serious relationship now. You should date, play the field, and have fun. Don’t look to your boyfriends and dates to be your friends. Keep separate friends that you don’t date. Men that you date should be just that — dates! Nothing more.

If you can keep these boundaries then you won’t be so confused when relationships don’t work out and you don’t want to say goodbye to a boyfriend or a date that after six dates isn’t really panning out so well. You’re still feeling abandoned and abandoning from your 9 year relationship and you need some time to start to trust yourself with men again. By keeping your dating relationships light, and keeping your friendships separate, you’ll understand that dates will come and go in your life; friends will mostly stay put, and family will always be there.

Hope that helps! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m so glad you’ve written, but for future, please ask your questions in the Q&A forum — not this Welcome Area forum. I’ll answer this here, but you’ll get more people reading and chiming in, and more of my attention 🙂 if you post your questions there.

In answer to your question, if he’s spending every weekend with you and texting you a lot as you say, then he does want to see you. When you ask me if he’s thinking of you as a couple again, I’m not sure what you mean, because based on what you’ve told me, he clearly is spending time with you as a couple, so why wouldn’t he be thinking of you that way?

If what you [i]meant[/i] to ask me was whether or not your boyfriend is interested in you as marriage material, then my answer would be different. When a man wants to marry you, you’ll know it because he’ll start treating you like a serious girlfriend. I think that your break up was hard for him to get over, and it’s easier for him to spend time with you “secretly” as you say, rather than be with you full on, out in the open, declaring you the woman he wants to be with. So, yes, I think your boyfriend is thinking of you as a couple — who wants to hang out on weekends “secretly” — but, no, he’s not thinking of you as a future Mrs. Right.

Ball’s in your court!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your husband has only been with you, sexually, his entire life, then your instinct that he is afraid he can’t satisfy you sexually, and has backed off from sex pretty much altogether, to avoid that potential problem, then you need to take the pressure off of him. He may not have a lot of sexual experience, and isn’t comfortable being open about this fear — with anyone. So make sure that whatever you do, you’re not critical or overly expectant of him in bed.

My advice is to slow things down, sexually. I know that doesn’t sound like what you want to hear, but if you can be together, naked, and begin to explore each others’ bodies without the time together culminating in intercourse, then he may feel like he’s off the hook enough to relax. Make a pact that you’ll go to bed and just be together naked, but won’t have intercourse, and will only kiss. You can substitute kissing with touching — but keep it all about exploration and affection — not goals. Eventually you can build on that sexual dynamic without having pressured him into satisfying you.

Something else you might try is to make one night all about him. You do all the work, and you take the night off from being satisfied.

If you can be patient, but persistent and keep a non-panicked attitude, you may find your problem is solved.

Of course, if he’s stressed about other things in his life — like work, family or money — the symptoms of the stress could show up in the bedroom, as you describe, with his lowered libido. Eliminating that stress will probably help a lot.

If things don’t work out, make sure that you have your husband see a medical doctor who can give you his professional, medical opinion on any possible causes for your husband’s behavior.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good job on starting to set up boundaries!

Now here’s your next chore: Understand that your partner’s family is not going to go down quietly! 😆 They are going to react to the changes you set up, and it’s not going to be pretty. So expect that.

Now, your task is to start ignoring their negative comments. You do not have to react to everything they say. In fact, I’d ask that you only react to every sixth thing they say! Count them. That’s one. That’s two. Etc. Just because someone says to jump off a bridge doesn’t mean you jump. In fact, you don’t. So just because they don’t like your boundaries on visits, doesn’t mean you have to comment on their criticism. This is harder said than done, but it’s a really great tool when it comes to dealing with conflict.

Next, you can hear their Christmas gift instruction — and throw it out the window! Don’t tell them you’re tossing their commands. Just, [i]quietly[/i], ignore them. 😎 Buy what you want for whomever you want. You’re not a prisoner or a victim, so don’t act like one.

Eventually, if you stop jumping every time they bark, they’ll get used to your behavior, instead of the other way around, and they’ll eventually quit it.

Good luck across the pond!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Gossip is such a drag! And it’s confusing, too.

Quit listening to what everyone else says. If your crush told you that he’s gay, and therefore not interested in a relationship with you, [i]that’s[/i] who you listen to! Why on earth would you listen to anyone else, when this guy is being truthful with you?

Okay, I’ll tell you why. Because you’re looking for another answer. You don’t like the one you got from your crush, so you’re fishing.

You have no reason to believe this guy lied to you, so accept what he said. Enjoy your friendship, and trust that if things do change down the line, [i]he[/i] will tell you himself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re not overreacting. Your instincts are correct. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your boyfriend spending time with the guys, but hanging out at nightclubs on weekends where drinking, dancing and hooking up are the activities that most people gather for, he’s skirting temptation too often — or else playing at being single.

Since this is new behavior after your being together for a year and a half, and talking about a serious future together, I think he’s scared of commitment and losing his bachelorhood. The year and a half mark during a serious romance usually means the guy needs to step things up and decide if he wants to marry your or not. In fact you should be thinking about the same thing at the same time.

Whatever you do, this shouldn’t be the cause for you becoming “his mother” — in other words, don’t fall into the role of telling him what he can and cannot do. That is poison for a relationship. You may express your disappointment and concern that he’s not that serious about you if he’s going out to nightclubs on weekends without you on a regular basis. He may hear your concern and invite you to come along. Or he may tell you that he’s really not ready to commit to a relationship.

But even if he doesn’t say it, and he doesn’t change his nightclub ways, then you have to really decide if this is a guy who is able to commit to a future with you. Usually, a man who is ready to get married starts acting married. He’ll hang out with other married couples. He’ll do things with you and his friends. He’ll want to take you out on Saturday night.

If he’s starting to shed his serious boyfriend ways, he may be unwilling to take the next step with you, but is unable to express this to you in any other way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Instead of blaming your married boyfriend for not treating his wife coldly or for not answering your questions about his family life, you’d do much better to look in the mirror and ask yourself the questions. Because trust me, you’re not going to control your married boyfriend. He’s been very clear with you from day one that you are not the only woman in his life. He never promised to leave his wife for you. He’s married. He’s also very facile with game playing — much more so than you are, so don’t even try to compete or get a straight answer from him. All he wants from you is sex. And if he has to trick you into romance to get the sex, he will and has. Sorry, but that’s the truth. He’s a pro at this.

And in answer to your question, yes, [i]you[/i] are being unreasonable to expect anything else from him. He is being very clear about who he is and what he wants from you.

Without passing moral judgment, I’m not sure why you’re staying married to your own husband if you’re so clearly in love with someone else. After all, you asked me if a man loved you “why he wouldn’t fight for you, to keep you happy and do whatever it takes to make it work”. Well, what about you? Why aren’t you willing to do this for him?

In fact, why aren’t you willing to do it for yourself? If you’re in your 30s, married 5 years with no children, why wouldn’t you fight to save your own marriage? Or if you’re so unhappy in it, fight to get out of it, and find someone to love [i]just you[/i] back? Divorce is a mess unto itself, but if you don’t have children, a divorce can be a lot easier, so if that’s what you decide to do, do it before you have kids.

I don’t think you’re really in love with your married boyfriend. Either you’re a bit of a drama addict or else self-destructive. It’s unfortunate that this relationship is playing out at work because that creates all kinds of complications. It’s also much harder for you to move on with a break up (which I suggest you do since this guy doesn’t want you as anything more than a sex toy, which doesn’t seem to be something you’re interested in being) when he’s right there in your office every single day!

I hope I’ve given you some clarity in answer to your question. You’re right that this is a messy affair and his wife has gotten hurt, and probably will again when she eventually finds out he’s still seeing you; you’ve gotten hurt, and your husband will probably get hurt. I’m guessing there are other women, too.

So use your best core strength to extricate yourself from this situation as cleanly as you can. Heal your wounds. Decide if your own marriage is going to be the focus of your love and sexual attention or not, and then act on [i]that[/i].

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you want more time with your boyfriend. So, first of all be honest about whether he actually has the time to give you. If he’s in the army and seeing you once a week, as well as spending time with family, does he have more time to spend with you? If the answer is yes, then your job is to make him want to spend more time with you by being that much more alluring and fun. Dial up the sex appeal and the excitement in your normal social routine. For instance, if you always have the same weekly date, check out my book called Ideas For A Fun Date. You can order it online at this link, [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/ideas-for-a-fun-date.html[/url], and you can download it tonight and start planning your next weekly adventure. Shaking things up a little may make your boyfriend realize how lucky he is to have you and how he can’t wait to see you again.

However, if you’re trying to squeeze blood from a stone in terms of getting him to spend more time with you than he actually has, make the most of what you do have, and consider yourself lucky to have a great boyfriend who’s only fault is that you love him so much you wish you had more of him!

Then, of course, there’s always the possibility that you’re a little bored or lonely in your own life without him, and if you keep yourself busier, you won’t miss him so much. Sometimes men and women try to make their boyfriends or girlfriends their whole world. It never works. For long, anyway. After the first six to eighteen months of symbiotic bliss, at best, it’s really important to have your own friends, your own life and your own productive ways to spend time that you’re not with him. So work on yourself and your own calendar and see if by filling up your days you don’t miss him quite so much.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There are probably many paths to romance, but I’ve found that the philosophies I write about, and my advice as to dating, really do work. In fact, I’ve been happy to take all 3 of your questions to me in the last week and give you my advice for free, and I’m glad you wanted to post here for advice. 😉

I’m sorry you feel that things can’t always “be boiled down to the basics,” but I have to disagree. Not all women are bucking for marriage, but most women are bucking for monogamy. And so are a surprising number of men. Life is not black and white, but there are a lot of baseline consistencies that if you understand, will make your life easier.

It’s simple to lash out at men and the publishing industry and the media and other “dumb girls bucking for a guy’s heart”. It’s a lot harder to take an honest look at [i][b]yourself[/b][/i] and decide that where you’d like to be in life is not where you are right now, and figure out how to get there and then do it.

Believe me — there are lots of ways to live life. I’m here for anyone who wants advice on how to do things differently than they’ve been. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to accept your parents for who they are. They are not always going to do everything you want them to or behave the way you want them to. The same goes for you with them!

Given that, since you are an adult, and you’re getting your education, it’s [i]very[/i] normal for you to have a boyfriend or to date. It would be unusual if at your age you weren’t dating while attending school. But, your parents don’t like that, and [b]sometimes it’s best to agree to disagree[/b]. Hopefully, the three of you (you and your parents) can continue to forge an adult relationship that is different than the one you have had as a minor. That means respecting each other’s differences and understanding that we all disappoint each other some of the time and the best way to combat that disappointment is to adjust our expectations of each other as we get to know each other.

Don’t get defensive with them. Try and understand why they feel the way they do. And tell them you love them, but you hope that they can accept who you are because you really want to have a rich future together and share your life with them. If they’re used to you putting up a fight with them on this subject, being loving with them will disarm them, and may change the dynamic for all of you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This doesn’t really seem to be a problem between you and your girlfriend or even your girlfriend and your family. This is a problem between you and your family. You are under a lot of stress — too much. Since you are investing in your future by getting an education, I think you need to focus on that. Your family does not seem to support you in your education because they are afraid to lose you — not just because you help out physically and financially, but because you are a valued family member whom they will miss. They will also have to face their own problems more clearly if you are no longer there.

So here’s my advice:

Since you are a legal adult, if you can afford to pay your own bills and tuition, then I think that moving out of your family’s home would be a great idea. This is going to create an emotional storm at home — you’re already seeing this beginning because they are anticipating your leaving if not now, then when you graduate in 2 more years and/or get married. Weather the storm.

Do not be defensive or argue with your family. Be firm and kind. Tell them you understand their feelings, but you are now an adult and you want to give yourself a shot at a life on your own. If you can graduate from college and get a good job, you will be able to help them out financially more efficiently than if you crack from the pressure you’re under now and drop out of school. Tell them that your girlfriend is supportive of you and your future and you hope that they will love her as you do for that. But don’t expect them to.

Your father and his wife and her children have their own problems, and while it’s good to be empathetic, you have to know how best you can help them, and the truth is that if you help yourself now, in the future, you will be better able to help out your family.

I hope this helps. Please let me know what happens.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you will find someone to love, who loves you back just as much and more. That much I know is true — especially if you take my advice and after you heal your broken heart 😥 you get back out there and explore dating again.

I don’t think that what your now ex-boyfriend did is wrong — there isn’t really a right and wrong when it comes to love. Although, if there were love police, who ticketed bad lovers, things would be a lot easier, wouldn’t they? 😎

I’m sorry that your heart is broken. After a four year relationship and a break up where your boyfriend has already moved on to someone else, it’s understandable that you are hurt. I don’t know if he’ll ever come back again, but I do know that you shouldn’t waste your time thinking about it. What you should do is to focus on yourself. Take care of your health (eat well, sleep well, exercise) and surround yourself with friends and family. Make sure you get out every day. Focus on your work and/or your studies, and before long you’re going to want to start making yourself attractive and smiling at other men — who [i]will[/i] smile back at you! 😉

I know that you still love him, and that’s the nature of many break ups. But the reality is that you are broken up, and you’re going to hurt, and then you’re going to heal and be fine again. And you’re going to find love. That, I promise you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for your kind words — I’m glad I’ve been of help to you! 🙂

When you ask me how long it takes to tell if a man is uninterested, I’m taken aback that you didn’t ask, ‘How long until I know he [i]IS[/i] interested?’!

I think you can assume that he’s interested in you enough to date you, but always assume he’s dating other people and playing the field, just like you should be, too.

There are ways to tell if a man wants you to be his girlfriend. For instance, when a man introduces you to his friends, it shows he’s interested in you. When he introduces you to his family, that’s a big sign that he’s interested in you. If he makes sure to make birthdays and holidays with you, special, he’s interested in you.

The problem you’re having is that you’re assuming a man is interested in having a relationship with you just because he asks you out. Even a few dates in a row don’t necessarily mean he isn’t considering other women — or that you’re not considering other men. I always advocate playing what I call The Numbers Game in dating. The theory goes that if you don’t get up to bat, you can’t hit a home run, and the biggest home run hitters are the ones who get up to bat the most. So you have to do a lot of dating to find Mr. Right.

Dating is a process, and at the same time he’s deciding if you’re right for him, you should be deciding if he’s right for you — that’s [i]your responsibility[/i] in the relationship.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m more than happy to answer your questions, but it gets very confusing when you post half a dozen times in a short period of time and you don’t link the posts together!

Please make sure to ask your questions by linking to the last piece of advice you asked for. That way you’ll get my best advice rather than me trying to guess and remember all the different posts connected to your relationship.

And as for this post, I’m not sure why you’re in a huge argument. If your boyfriend makes you feel wanted when you’re together, what’s there to argue about?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for buying my book! I’m glad you like it. I always like to hear from readers who’ve purchased one of my books how it helped them. 🙂

I don’t think you have to worry about getting older and finding a great man. The only thing you can’t do as you get older, as a woman, is to have babies. But other than that, I really believe from what I see that if you want romance, sex, companionship, intimacy and fun — alone or together or in any combination you can think of — it’s not really that hard to find. But like anything else in life, to do it well, you have to strategize and do the work.

So if you’re a 47 year old woman, immediately, you can rule out any men of any age who want more children. So rule out the group of guys who want biological children with their wives.

After that, you can hone in on divorced men who aren’t looking for younger women. Believe me — there are loads of men who would like a 47 year old woman, all other things being equal. In fact, to a guy in his 60s, or even his late 50s, you’re the babe at 47. While all a 62 year old man’s friends may have wives in their late 50s and early 60s, you’d be the young one in that group.

Then there are cougars, or women like you who prefer younger men. Plenty of younger men go for women of your age. All you have to do is look at Demi Moore and her much younger husband Ashton Kutcher, or Hulk Hogan’s ex-wife and her much younger boyfriend — and that’s just on television.

I always think the easiest way to find someone compatible, though, is to hook up with a guy who has “matching luggage” since by the age of 30 everyone has some baggage, and the trick is to find compatible baggage (i.e. matching luggage 😉 ). Your compatible guy might be someone who’s ex-wife left him for a much younger man! Maybe you both have children, or are empty nesters, or never had kids. Whatever the similarities are, your job is to find them.

Plenty of senior citizens are enjoying extremely active dating and sex lives – and you only have to look to the pharmaceutical industry to know it’s true! So just because your ex-husband left you for an 18 year old, and just because your mother stopped dating when she was 47, that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized or influenced by those facts. You get to write your story and be the star of your own show.

So, decide what you want in life, and go for it! The only reason to be scared is that you’d miss an opportunity by sitting home and worrying about what [i]could[/i] be.

[Member]

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