[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you think you’ve done everything right — but I’m sorry! 🙄 — you only did [i]some[/i] things right! For instance, it’s great that you are practicing the art of allure by not being too available, and not returning calls or e-mails too quickly, but….BUT….if you broke up because he was flirting online with a woman from India during the 10 months you were dating, why would you ask him on your birthday if he wants “a romance” with you? He disrespected you during the relationship, so — what? — you come back and offer him yourself? 😕 That mistake cancels out all the good work you did for the entire year! And then when he declines your invitation, you yelled at him??

Please, please, please go back to my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and re-read it! Here’s the link:
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url] Download it tonight, and read it this weekend.

I know it’s hard to remember everything, but my method really works! You have to let the guy chase you, and you have to understand you’re the prize. You can’t throw yourself at him. And you can’t get angry enough to scream at him if he declines an invitation. A woman who knows she truly is a prize would laugh at a man who turned her down (not that she’d ask in the first place! 😉 ) because she’d know what a huge mistake he just made.

As for your wanting it to work out with this guy, my question to you is: Why do you even [i]want[/i] a guy who was talking to a woman he’d met online that he only knew from the internet? And why would you want a guy who turned down your invitation to romance? I don’t know what’s so great about this guy that you’re spending so much energy thinking about him.

Before you consider any guy, I think you really need to spend a little time alone without dating to re-read my book (and if you haven’t read it, read it now!) and figuring out why you’re choosing the men you are, and why things haven’t worked out to date. I bet there’s a pattern in there that you can learn from if you’re honest with yourself.

So stop, take a break, read my book, and after you re-group, go back out there and see if there’s a great guy who’s Mr. Right to your grand prize!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend was looking for a way out of the relationship, and unfortunately, by hitting him (however lightly you think the slap was), you gave him a way out.

I understand that you are exhausted from having a baby and a toddler to care for, and your boyfriend antagonized you. But…there is no reason to hit anyone, and you should have walked out of the room or tried to get away from him when he was taunting you, rather than striking him.

Signing up for anger management class is a good idea. I think that the best you can do right now is to just focus on taking care of yourself and your children. I’m guessing you’re not sleeping much with a 2 month old baby at home and a toddler. See if you can get some family help so you can make sure to get enough sleep.

If your babies’ daddy sees that you’re living well and taking care of the children, he should want to come back and work things out. However….if, as I suspect, he’s been looking for a way out of the relationship, and taunting you helped him accomplish that, then he’s probably not coming back to be with you. Time will tell, however, and while I know that this is going to be heart wrenching for you to wait and see if your boyfriend will come back for good, you have no choice.

If he hasn’t come back after a month or so, file with your court for child support and visitation, so you can at least get some help that way, and take your anger management seriously. You don’t want to make this mistake again. 😥

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I answered your question in the Q & A forum. For future I’d advise you posting your questions to me there, not in this Welcome forum.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can’t tell you if your relationship is meant to be based on a posting, but I can tell you that although you may not have followed all the rules I advise for women who want to get a great guy, you seem happy in your relationship, and you’re not phased by the fact that he won’t be ready to marry for five years. So for now, it seems like everything is all right.

The only question I have for you is how do you know that he’ll be ready to marry you in 5 years? Where did that number come from?

If you’re sure that’s the amount of time it will take, and that that is what you both want, and you don’t mind waiting, I don’t really see a problem here. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your first love has made a strong impression on you. Now, it’s time to grow up a little more and realize that you’re ready for a second love. This is the only way you can move through the hurt of having lost your first love. Try and remember how lucky you are to have had such a wonderful first love at all, but like all first loves, they fade, they end, and teenagers go their separate ways and go on to love again. It’s your turn, now.

Know that you really left no stone unturned when it came to your trying to win her back. You really gave it your all, but she shot you down each time, and you have to accept that. You can also appreciate what you had, and that it’s come to an end.

Since you’ve graduated high school and she’s still in it, it’s appropriate for you to move on and date other women who’ve also graduated high school or are in college. In addition to dating, focus on making yourself something more than you are today. Women love men who are successful, so be that guy. Think about college. And if college isn’t in the cards for you, consider a great first job with a career to come.

Make a life for yourself that makes you feel good, because ultimately, that’s going to be the ultimate aphrodisiac for women, and it’s how you’ll find your next love — by starting with a strong and solid you. And don’t look back — look forward.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

There’s a big difference and a lot of ground to cover between being a nice guy and being, as you put it, “an A hole.” 😮 You don’t have to be the latter just to not be the former!

Here’s what you need to do. Take what she’s telling you (to slow things down), and give that your own stylish spin (with a little help from me 😉 ). Give her that space she thinks she wants, and in the meantime, you keep on going out to parties, with friends, and have a great time. If you’re so dependent on this one person in order to have confidence, you’re missing a big part of yourself, and that’s what’s unattractive to women! They want a guy who’s going to survive even if they dump him — which, ironically, is why they don’t dump him!

So use this space she’s asking you to give her, to focus on having a good time. When she catches wind that you’re not wilting without her presence, she’s going to feel like something’s missing in her life — you!

If you can’t focus your mind by yourself, download my book, Date Out of Your League, which I’ve written for men JUST like you! You can get it here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] For $14.95, you can have the book this afternoon and start reading a chapter or two a day over the weekend. The book, for sure, will help you focus your mind and guide you on the path to getting this girl back.

No more boring and begging for you. You’re going to be the guy who’s a winner with or without a woman — which is exactly when and why all the women will want you! 😎

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have a bigger problem than your run away girlfriend. You have a child that you’re not living with or visiting! I don’t understand why you couldn’t go with your girlfriend and your son to live at her grandmother’s house with them. In fact, you should make plane reservations — or train, or bus, or ride-share arrangements to do that, [i]right now. [/i] ❗

Your 7 month old son needs his father’s attention. While it’s admirable that you’re paying for your son’s expenses, money doesn’t take the place of a father’s presence. Your relationship with your son needs to come first because he’s a little boy, barely a year old. So kiss your mother goodbye, and get to the state where your son and his mother are, now! In fact, do it this weekend. Do not abandon your son.

If your girlfriend doesn’t want you to live with she and your son at her grandmother’s house, then find a separate place to live — whether it’s a roommate situation or a rented room in the local YMCA. The bottom line is you need to raise your boy. Agree on a regular visitation schedule to see the boy — you don’t need to ask her permission to see your son the way you would her for a date. The child has the right to see and visit with his father, and you have the responsibility to make sure those visits happen. So get a written agreement from your son’s mother for visits, and stick to that schedule. Never miss a single visit, no matter what. If your girlfriend doesn’t agree to a schedule of visitation, go to court, file for visitation and file to pay support. Ideally, the child’s parents should be able to co-parent the child, but if that’s not possible, use the court to enforce your child’s rights to two parents.

You can get a job in the state where your son lives. Your world has to revolve around him, now.

As for getting your girlfriend back, I think her availability to you is going to depend on how much she wants you to co-parent your son. If she views your being a father to your son as a threat, she’s not going to want you in her life at all. But if she is at all interested in you — [i]even just a drop[/i] — then your best bet is to chase her and make yourself attractive to her. Begging won’t cut it. It’s not sexy. You need to find a way to accept your dilemma and decide to move forward in the best way possible given your circumstances. If she sees you chasing her across the country, getting a job, focusing on a career, working out at the gym and being confident, attractive and a man who takes care of business, she’s going to want to spend time with you. So, man up, and go raise your boy, and get your woman back.

Let me know how it goes! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here’s one word I’m going to say that will be the key to your future with your partner: [i][b]boundaries[/b][/i].

It sounds like you are just too involved in what everyone thinks, says and does. If you can find a way to not be so involved emotionally, with your future in-laws, you’re going to have a much easier time of life! If you can’t establish boundaries on your own, here are a few tips that will help:

Limit the number of visits to your partner’s family and from them.

Limit the phone calls. Just because they call doesn’t mean you have to pick up the phone.

Limit your responses to communication from your partner’s family. If they e-mail or text you, wait three days before responding. Or better yet, wait a week!

When you feel like you have some control over the amount of time they’re in your life, you may not feel so upset about them, and you certainly won’t feel so controlled by them.

Now comes the tougher part. It seems like it’s hard for you to hear about how your partner’s family members treat him. If they’re not saying any of this stuff to you directly, then you have to accept that this is the dynamic he and his family have. You can point out to him what you see and are concerned about, but once you’ve done it, don’t harp on it. He may be comfortable with the way things are in his family. Or, he may not respond to you expecting him to change a lifetime’s worth of family dynamics in one week! So be gentle and clear in what you tell him you see and dislike, but don’t tell him every day or even every week.

Once your partner sees you making these changes, he may respond by coming to you more often with his complaints or rants about his family. This is where you have to be strong and establish some boundaries with your own partner. You can tell him that you love him, but you’ve already given him your advice on his family and told him how you feel about them. You really don’t want to hear daily installments of a soap opera that is hurtful and damaging. If he doesn’t want to make any changes, then you don’t want to hear about it. Make sure you’re firm, but kind when you say this. The idea is to establish a boundary with your partner that allows you to have the freedom to enjoy your relationship with him [i]without[/i] hearing about or being a part of the dysfunction.

In-laws and extended family members can be a support or a serious challenge to new relationships, and you need to take responsibility for [i]your[/i] part of the behavioral changes necessary to give you and your partner some peace to be a couple.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m really glad you figured out what to do. What you need to keep an eye on is your [i]guilt factor[/i]. When you feel badly because you can’t help someone, it assumes you have the power to help them in the first place. The truth is that you were going to fool this guy into thinking you wanted him and only him — because you thought you could make him feel better by doing so. In the long run you were going to hurt him. You were going to be resentful, angry, abandoning — and that’s just for starters!

If you take a step (or ten 😉 ) back, you’ll see that it was actually a little grandiose of you to think you were going to make this guy with cancer feel better by starting a relationship with him now. The reality is you’re human; you’re limited; and you’re newly divorced right now, so your focus is (and should be) elsewhere — not on making this guy feel safe, secure and happy. Whether he has cancer or whether he’s hurt from a past relationship or whether he’s just lost a job and feels down and out — you are limited as to what you can do. Just because a man needs help doesn’t mean you have the resources to help him. And same for men with women!

This doesn’t mean you’re a cripple or a lesser person! It just means that you’re human, and right now, you’re in transition. Ideally, you want to find someone who is [i]compatible[/i]. This means you both have the same goals. You feel better about yourself when you’re with him, and he feels better about himself when he’s with you.

When you understand your own limits as a unique human being, you’re going to get rid of a lot of [i]guilt[/i] in your life. You’re also going to stop dating guys you have no business being in a relationship with. Get to know yourself during this transition time in your life, and be honest about what you can and cannot do. It sounds like a small thing, but it’s instrumental for having a good relationship — whether it’s in love, business or friendship.

And here’s the catch and the kicker: When you realize your limits, and live your life by surrounding yourself with compatible people, then — and only then — can you start to help people with cancer, with life problems, with political issues, and more. So, know yourself before you take on saving the world.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hmmm….there’s nothing in your prior post that states this guy is your boyfriend. I love helping my readers, but you’ve got to clue me in on the facts! 😉

Since you’ve now filled in the story for me, I think my original advice, or the idea behind it, still stands. [i]Actions speak louder than words.[/i] If your boyfriend behaves a certain way, but every now and then confuses you with his words, whether they’re jokes or miscommunications, you should weight his behavior much more heavily.

The fact that your boyfriend joked about wanting you on the phone, but acts like he wants you in person really means that the two of you just didn’t click when it came to his joke. I’m not sure why that would make you mad unless you were already having a bad or stressful day, and this was just, like, the last straw in misunderstandings that had occurred that day. Otherwise, I’d think you’d look at the big picture, that your boyfriend of several years loves you and wants you, and he made a dumb joke.

Forget it. It wasn’t a big deal. Don’t make it one.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Why are you going through her e-mails?

Adults don’t usually go through each others’ e-mails. They’re private. Would you open her snail mail? (I hope the answer is no.) Do you go through her texts regularly? How about her landline phone bill to look for suspicious phone numbers? This isn’t looking like a happy engagement destined for a solid and loving marriage.

If you’ve created a climate in the relationship that is controlling, and she feels that the only way to have friends is in secret (from you), then you’re headed for a disaster in your relationship. Back off and let her have her privacy, if that’s the case. If she has a male friend you’re threatened by, explain your feelings to her. Get them out on the table now — before you’re married. If she denies having the friend, and you have proof that he exists, your fiance is lying to you! About another man. Time to exit.

On the other hand, if you’re going through her e-mails because you already suspect her of cheating on you, and that’s the sole purpose for the detective search, then, you shouldn’t be engaged to her. This is one of the most intimate times in a relationship, when two people have agreed to spend the rest of their lives together. If you’re suspicious of a third person in the relationship (or more than a third person), then back out of the engagement, and move on to find a woman who you can trust and respect as well as love.

Regardless, the secrecy in your relationship is a barrier to intimacy, so until you get the issues out on the table and confront them as a couple, and work towards solutions together, you’re always going to feel like you’re working against her, and she’s working against you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t really matter if your best friend’s girlfriend thinks you’re wonderful or not. You’re married. You have a bigger problem: You made out with a woman at a party.

Oh, wait — that’s your [b]first[/b] problem. Problem number 2: You made out with [i]your best friend’s girlfriend! [/i] 😮

The question you should be asking me isn’t, “Does your best friend’s girlfriend reciprocate your feelings that she’s wonderful, since she kissed you at a boozy party?”. Your question should be: ‘Why am I in a, as you describe it, “sexless marriage for the last six years”?’

Unless you decide to stay in your marriage or get out, you’re going to find yourself in more and more of these complicated and drama-infused situations where people are going to get hurt. So before you do anything, decide if you want to stay in or leave your marriage.

If you do decide to stay in it, you’re going to have to do some work to get your sex life back on track. This is possible. Every marriage goes through ups and downs, but when people are lazy, they don’t do the work to get it back on track. I’ve written a book in response to people who want to put sex back in the bedroom. You might love this book if you decide to make your own marriage work. It’s called Romantic Date Ideas. You can purchase it online at this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]

The book downloads automatically and you can start reading and planning tonight’s romantic interlude today! 😉

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that this six year dry spell is going to get cleared up in one night or one week. In fact, there are probably underlying reasons apart from apathy that have kept both you and your wife together. So be prepared to roll up your sleeves and work at your relationship to save your marriage.

If, however, you’re [b]not[/b] interested in saving your marriage, then you owe it to yourself, your wife, your children ❓, and your friends and future, potential girlfriends, to get divorced. Don’t stay in the marriage and cheat. For starters, you’re lousy at cheating — your best friend’s drunk girlfriend at a public party is a a cry for help! 😕 And besides, you’re going to get waaaaaayyyy more confused than you are now if you continue on the path you’re on now, so make a decision. The anxiety will become exponential if you don’t.

Figure it out, and I’m here if you need me to guide you in this decision.

And, oh — in the meantime, be honest with your best friend about what happened. He’s going to find out what happened from his girlfriend, someone who saw you two, or someone she told, and the best way for him to find out is for you to come clean and apologize, admit your mistake, tell him why you did it (you’re confused about your own marriage), and ask for his forgiveness. You may not get it and that’s the price you pay, but if he’s truly your best friend, you owe it to him to fess up.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you for clarifying that your boyfriend is actually a decades old friend and college buddy, and that you knew his ex-wife, also. 🙂 That helps me understand part of why you’re so anxious to move forward — he’s not someone you just met. He’s someone you’ve been reunited with. In fact, he’s almost like long lost family. I can understand why you think he’s the one.

But….I’m still seeing flashing yellow lights in your situation, and I hope you’ll heed them. I sincerely understand your anxiety that you’re single at 35. In fact, it comes through as desperation, not so much excitement about getting married, and that’s what I was picking up in your last post. A desperation to be married and have children. (So, take a breath. You don’t want to make a mistake at 35. This is when you want to play the dating game really well.)

I think you should pay close attention to the fact that your boyfriend has not discussed your moving to his city. In reality, he’s talking about the fairy tale of you being together, without talking about the nuts and bolts of day to day living with a custody arrangement and a 5 year old. [i]Danger! Danger! [/i] 😕

Pay attention to your boyfriend’s [b]behavior[/b]! Not just his words. In fact, pay attention [i]mostly[/i] to his behavior. He is being clear that he is wanting to wait and see how things go with his daughter who seems reluctant to share her dad with you. This is a more complicated and delicate situation than I think you realize. Just because you knew your boyfriend and his ex-wife back in college 20 years ago, doesn’t mean things will go as smoothly now. And just because his ex-wife had an affair that ended their marriage doesn’t mean she doesn’t have rights to her child, and may seek and win more custody of the child if things get bumpy with you and her daughter along the road. This will create a lot of stress (understatement) between you and your boyfriend.

Also understand that sometimes someone you’ve know for decades, and that you suddenly reunite with, or who suddenly becomes potential boyfriend material because one of you is suddenly single, can slip under the [b]dating game radar[/b]. It’s easy not to use the same filters you would use on men you just met to decide if he’s right for you or not, because you [i]think[/i] you know this guy so well. (And the same goes for him.) The reality is you knew him as a friend a long time ago. Being a boyfriend — or a husband — is different. You may both be cutting each other too much slack as potential husband and wife because you have this past history as friends.

I know you want what you want, but please remember my rules about getting a man you want. You have to give him something to chase. You have to keep the dynamic going where he wants you and he will do anything to get the big prize he’s chasing — you. It sounds to me like you’re allowing your desperation to push you over that line and you’re close to chasing him now. [i]Don’t push![/i] If you think he’s the one, then it’s worth the extra time to make sure. He comes with valuable baggage in a 5 year old daughter and an ex-wife. You have to make sure all the pieces will work [i]well enough[/i] (it doesn’t have to be perfect). There is no downside to spending that extra time figuring that out. There [i]is[/i] a downside to not spending that time doing that work.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you that you’re shaking it up by selling your Harley and your truck to buy something different that doesn’t remind you so much of the past, and invites a new future. This is what I’m talking about! Great idea to change it up a little this way.

As for asking a woman if she wanted a ride on your bike, and then her husband walked out of the bar — 😆 — you’ve gotta laugh that one off. Who knew?? She [i]wasn’t[/i] wearing a ring! Honest mistake, and it should have gotten a laugh. Don’t let [i]that[/i] send you back into your cave!

I think you’ve gotten a lot of good advice here. Hope it works for you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your boyfriend is expressing some kind of historic, repressed anger at you, and you’re right to be very disturbed. I’m pretty sure that this is deep seeded and has to do with his past, and that you’re just the victim of some pattern he’s repeating. That said, this relationship is over. What he did is cruel and inexcusable, and his refusal to apologize, let alone speak to you, since the event makes it very clear that he’s not for you. (Or anyone.)

Here’s when it’s okay to have those kinds of photos: It’s understandable for people to keep photos or mementos of past lovers or ex-spouses, and putting them up in a box in the closet, the garage or an attic is a way of keeping part of your past without having it be part of your present. In other words, if someone keeps photos of an ex-spouse or lover on the coffee table in the living room, they’re CLEARLY not over that person, and THAT’S a problem, but in a locked box in a closet, this is understandable. In fact, that they were explicit pictures of your boyfriend and his ex-girlfriend of three years ago doesn’t even bother me so much. If he kept the naked photos in a locked box in the closet, and at the same time, was a great boyfriend to you, I’d give him a pass on all of this. In fact, I’d think this is the kind of guy who likes to look at naked photos of women, probably buys Playboy magazine, and falls within the range of normal guys.

[b]BUT[/b]…the fact that while you were having sex with him, he stops everything, pulls out the photos and puts on a slide show of him and his ex-girlfriend in sexually explicit poses, for you to watch, while you’re ostensibly naked — well, that’s sick and cruel. He’s really trying to hurt you.

The fact that he won’t talk about it, just proves the point. I mean, trying to give him the benefit of the doubt is tough! Perhaps he had the convoluted idea that you’d get turned on by these photos, the way some couples enjoy soft core porn, once you didn’t, he would have apologized (profusely) and immediately made your discomfort the center of his attention. But his not wanting to talk about it is emotionally abusive.

So here are your instructions from me: This relationship is over. After 11 months he’s now showed you some true colors of his personality and character that are disturbing and cruel. They’re deal breakers. If you do stay with him, I suspect he will escalate this behavior to try and hurt you and control you. I’m glad you found one friend to talk to about this — try to find some more. Once you break up with him, I think you’ll be able to find some peace and maybe even get some sleep! Part of your discomfort has been his abuse coupled with your relationship. But he’s not your husband or a family member. He’s just a boyfriend, and as of today, he’s an ex-boyfriend! You can cut him out of your life, and you’ll never have to experience that again. This guy is a bad clinker. Other men are not like this. So take time to heal yourself from the break up that I want you to do [i]today[/i], and then get back out there. You’ll have better luck next time. I’m sure of it.

[Member]

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