[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sometimes when you’re too close to something, you can’t see the whole picture. Take a step back. Your boyfriend is all over the place, but mostly, he’s not that interested in you – at least not enough to be your boyfriend again. You want him to be different, so you’re ignoring the signals along the way.

For instance, you wrote that you felt during the relationship he was tiptoeing up to the line of being really serious and perhaps wasn’t sure if he wanted to have a future with you. Listen to those “vibes” you said he was sending you. You’re not imagining them. He was not sure at that time about how serious he wanted to be with you.

When you finally broke up, he didn’t try to get you back — in fact he didn’t talk to you for 3 weeks. And when he saw you at the bar, post-break up, he ignored you. Again, he doesn’t want to rekindle the romance. He had figured out that this break up was the right thing for him, and he’s been honoring that.

He decided to try to be friends, but that was it. Just friends. And you were right to not want to be friends because you’re not over him the way he is over you. It would be too painful for you to be his friend.

When your friend died, and you went to your ex-boyfriend for comfort — you already know that was a mistake, but go easy on yourself because you were grieving — your ex gave you genuine comfort, but that was it. You mistook the chaste overnight for something it wasn’t because you hoped there was more there than there was, or is.

He really hasn’t led you on. You’re the one who’s leading yourself on. I’m sorry to be harsh, but the truth is he’s over you, and you’re hurt. He [i]does[/i] know what he wants. And so do you. But they’re two different things. You want him, and he wants to move on.

I think that cutting off from him as much as possible, given that it’s a small town, will help you move on. (Don’t be his friend on Facebook.) In the meantime, be kind to yourself, and that means surrounding yourself with true friends and family who really want to support your healing and moving on to date other men, at this time. When you’re ready, get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and use it to start getting out in the dating world. You will find someone who wants to be with you forever, but you’re going to have to get over Mr. Wrong, first.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s hard to get over the loss of a friend who’s moved away. The only way through these feelings is straight ahead! It’s okay to feel loss, and it’s okay to feel sad about your friend’s move. But you can’t let that keep you from living your life.

You have to find new friends either in the same places you’ve always found your friends, or by expanding your life into new arenas or switching things up, like changing your gym, your coffee shop or your dog walking route — whatever you have in your own life that you can change.

Be outgoing and open, and you’ll make new friends and move on with your life.

If you’re ready to look for a guy to date, then pick up my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can get by clicking on the Advice Books link above, and scrolling down. You can order the book online, and download it immediately, and start reading. The book will act as a friend to guide you from being single into being part of a couple. It’s a quick read, and if you want to start dating, this is a good place for you to start.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You made a mistake by making a commitment to Guy #1 after only 2 dates. [i]Big[/i] mistake. And now, you have to correct that mistake, and it’s going to be uncomfortable — in fact that’s probably why you’ve written me in the first place. You know what you have to do, but you don’t want to do it. Sorry — you need to do it!

If Guy #1 has cancer and was planning to move back to New Orleans, until you agreed to “start a relationship with him” he made the wrong move, too! He doesn’t even know you! And clearly he’s scared because he’s sick and looking for someone to take care of him, and while you’re liking his attention and wanting to take care of him, it’s the wrong thing for you to be doing now. You can’t take care of him because you need to take care of yourself. He doesn’t want to “date.” He wants to [i]commit![/i] You shouldn’t be looking for a commitment right now. You should be looking to test the dating waters. Guy #1 needs to be with his family and old friends, and maybe a girlfriend — but not you. You’re going to end up feeling trapped and resentful with him, and he’s going to end up feeling betrayed by your lack of commitment. It’s going to end badly.

So do the right thing and tell Guy #1 that you made a mistake, and that you really don’t know if you want to have a relationship with him or not. You can tell him you’ve enjoyed your 2 dates, but that you would be dishonest with him if you told him you were ready to stop playing the field so soon. (I mean, it hasn’t even been a month!) You may hurt his feelings by saying this, but if you don’t, you’re going to hurt them more, the longer he thinks you’re “in” the relationship, when the truth is you’re already considering other guys. Encourage him to go back to New Orleans like he originally planned.

As for you, remember: you [i]just[/i] divorced, and you [i]just[/i] got a new apartment. You [i]just[/i] started putting your profile online, and you’re [i]just [/i]getting responses. You should really play the field, date different men to find out who they are and what you like and want in a man and a relationship, now, post-divorce. If Guy #2 asks you out, it sounds like you like him enough to go! A date is not a marriage. Two dates is not a relationship. Dating is a process of getting to know men so you can choose one to have intimacy with — and I don’t just mean sex. I mean emotional intimacy, companionship and, yes, sex, too! You may even want to re-marry! So keep your eye on the ball.

And while I’ve just given you a lot of advice, you’d do really well to get my book, Think & Date Like A Man, to help you date well now that you’re back in the game again. You can order the book online, download it immediately, and start reading a chapter a night. By the time you’re done, I bet you’ll be in a great place to get out there and find Mr. Right this time around!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hi Johnny! It’s nice you’re here, but I bet you’ll be even happier if you post on the Welcome Area in my Relationship Forums. Click on Relationship Forums, above, and then click on the Welcome Area where you can post with other new members! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Just because someone wants something from you doesn’t mean you have to do it! I bet that’s news to you! 🙂 It sounds like both you and your husband are spending a lot of time on your separate lives, and running your home together, and you’re both highly functional. You’re probably also used to being successful at what you do, and when you hear someone tell you you need to do something, you aim to do it and have success in that way.

I’d like to suggest a new way for you to look at things. When your husband wants things from you — like for you to work more hours at your job and cook more, I’d like you to not react. I know that’s probably going to be hard for you since you’re used to doing, doing, doing! But I’d like you to just stop and think about what he’s saying, how he’s saying it, and how he’s feeling when he’s saying it.

First of all, what he may really want is more “you,” but he doesn’t know how to ask for it. So, he’s asking for these other things instead. He may be wanting more intimacy with you — sexual as well as emotional. He may be wanting to feel more like the man in the relationship, and if your sex life has cooled, he’s not getting that opportunity, so he’s ordering you around outside the bedroom. This could possibly be solved by leaving work and cooking and the dishes and the trash behind you for some time alone in bed.

With both your schedules and your efficiency so busy and high, my guess is you’re forgetting to be with each other. When your sex life is good, sometimes these other things don’t matter as much — to either one of you. So check in with yourself and ask yourself how your sex life is, and if that’s not really what’s going on here.

Secondly, just because he wants things doesn’t mean he’s going to get it, and you have to be okay with not doing what he wants all the time — and disappointing him, and yourself. I bet it’s hard for you not to please him because you’re so used to doing the right thing. But just because he wants you to work more and cook more, doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you or your marriage. It’s important to know your limits. If you do that extra work and cooking and you’re cranky from being exhausted and depleted, you didn’t do a service to your husband, your marriage or yourself. So your job is to explain your limits to your husband.

And thirdly, the WAY you explain those limits is crucial. If you get into a defensive mode, you’re going to start a cold war with him. What is really important is that you tell him how much you understand why he wants you to work more hours and to cook more. You really do, and you wish you could be someone who is able to do that with full time school and a part time job, but you’re not. See what’s going on here? You’re diffusing the situation by not fighting with him, and by telling him he’s not wrong to want these things. But you’re going to have to disappoint him, and yourself, by not being able to give them to him now. Tell him you can’t wait until you’re finished school so that you can just have one job and not school and a part time job, and you’ll be able to do more for him then. But right now, you feel so sorry that you can’t do this for him, and you hope he’ll understand.

So consider my points, one, two and three, and see what works for you in your marriage. Let me know!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s really hard to answer your question with so little information, but here goes: Actions speak louder than words. If your boyfriend wants you, he’s going to act like he wants you. He’ll call you; he’ll make plans to see you; he’ll treat you nicely when you’re together; he’ll introduce you to his friends and family, and you should be able to tell from this behavior that he really wants to be your boyfriend!

I don’t know how long you have been his girlfriend or how well you know him — or his sense of humor. Sometimes a person’s sense of humor is weird. You’re going to have to figure out what he means when he jokes around by telling him you really don’t get the joke, and could he explain it to you. While you may feel like an idiot asking him to decipher his jokes, at least you’ll understand what he meant by the joke, when he explains it, and eventually you’ll understand his joke language so you’re not confused. 😆

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, something’s up! My guess is that even after dating this guy for 10 months, you didn’t get to know all of his facets, and this part of him is troublesome. It certainly sounds like he broke up with you and he did it very clumsily. It’s a really impolite way to break up, but it is, at the end of the day, a break up.

If you haven’t seen him in 2 weeks, and his texts are just blunt and emotionless, I think he’s done.

What I would caution you to avoid is trying to make him do something he doesn’t want to do just because [i]you[/i] want it. I know [i]you[/i] want a reasonable explanation. You want a civil break up. But this isn’t who [i]he[/i] is. I don’t think you’re going to get what you want, and while it’s hard to accept someone you’ve been intimate with could be such a philistine, his blunt break up may be able to help you move on. Don’t spend a lot of time trying to extract an explanation from him.

Don’t show up at his house without calling or getting an okay from him to do so, but do be very firm that you want your camera and your key back and that’s it. He may not want you to come over because he thinks you want to “talk.” If he knows it’s just to get your things, he may be more open to the idea. If he won’t deal with you, have a friend or family member get it for you. And if that doesn’t work, have him mail the items to you.

And move on. Sometimes when a person is so unreasonable, it can make moving on easier.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think the big problem here is that you’ve lost touch with your friends. No adult, romantic relationship is supposed to be at the exclusion of friends and family. It’s very romantic to think that one person can be everything to you, but the reality is that it’s an unfair burden for either one of you to put on the other one. You both need your friends and family in addition to each other.

Spend some time re-connecting with your friends and family. You don’t have to do it at the exclusion of your girlfriend, but before you do anything rash with her, spend a month hanging with friends and also “dating” your girlfriend again. Do things with your girlfriend and your friends and family.

It will probably take a little work for you to get back on track with your friends — in fact if you’ve ignored them for 3 years so you could be solely with your girlfriend, you may have lost them! If that’s the case, cultivate some new ones. Go out with some co-workers or neighbors. Call up an old friend to get together.

See if after you do reunite and re-claim this part of yourself that you lost, you don’t feel better about your girlfriend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, I’m so glad that my book helped you! Thank you for your kind words about the book. I’m always glad to hear feedback, and when Think & Date Like A Man has helped someone like you have a better life, it’s a good day for me! So, thank you.

As you’ve figured out, dating other single parents, when you’re a single parent, is a [i]lot[/i] more challenging than dating without kids! I’d love to help you see patterns in the men you get involved with. Your alcoholic husband, the cocaine using ex-boyfriend, and now this guy who seems to have 3 women running his life even though he’s advertising himself as single! Hmmm….All three men seem to be dependent — one on alcohol, one on drugs and one on women. And you sound like you’re very, very independent, so it’s no wonder these guys cling to you. You prop them up, and they find your strength and confidence attractive. But the question is why are you attracted to them? What part of you is subconsciously looking to be in charge? Or, put differently, you’re so on top of things on the surface — are you afraid of being the less dominant person in the relationship?

I’m not suggesting that you weaken yourself or do anything in your own personal life differently. What I am suggesting is that you look for a man who’s more alpha than you are! Strong women rock, but they need even stronger men. With a man who not only fends for himself, but fends for his woman — and her daughter, you’re going to be in a whole new arena, and it’s going to be great.

One of the main points in my book is that men love to chase women, and they need to chase them in order to feel good about themselves. Likewise, you need to be the grand prize that is giving chase! When a great guy finally gets you, he’s going to have had to run very hard and fast! And you will be worth it, as will he to you. In fact, while I think your working out, working your career, caring for your daughter single-handedly, is all fabulous and admirable….with a very strong man, you may not feel you have to do all that. In fact, you may have been fending for yourself and on your own for so long that you’re going to feel very strange if a great guy wants to take care of you. Go on the adventure.

I’m going to spend a very little time telling you why this guy you’re considering isn’t right (because this really isn’t about him): He’s not divorced. In this real estate market and economic climate, it may be yet another year or more before his house is sold at a price he and his wife agree to, and the divorce that’s been contingent upon the home’s sale has been executed. And there’s a little legal device called bifurcation which would allow him to be legally divorced right this minute, with the property from the marriage divvied up at a later date — but he’s still married. His wife coming in and out of his house all the time, doesn’t bode well for a new woman in his life, and the adult children living with him and having him take care of them is also competition for you (or any other woman he dates). If you walk down this road, you’re walking into a snake pit. You will never be top banana in that house because this guy will never make you top banana. He’s not strong enough. And your daughter will be the poor Cinderella to the two evil stepdaughters. So…..drop him. He’s not for you.

Get out there and think about looking for a guy who’s naturally aggressive and who loves to win through hard work, just like you.

And let me know how it goes!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good question!

My advice is to not spend much time with his daughter right now. Your boyfriend is right not to hold hands, be affectionate with you or have you spend the night in his bedroom when she is around. You’ve only been dating every 3 weeks for 8 months. That’s not very much face time. A dozen dates? [i]Way[/i] too soon to be involving his daughter. She’s not a pet. She’s a human being who’s been through her own trauma with her parents’ divorce less than 3 years ago. She was probably used to having her dad around all the time, and now she only sees him at most half the week, and more likely, every other weekend. You’re going to be a take-away in her eyes because you’re taking away time she would normally be just with her dad. So don’t compete with the five year old. Besides, if you did, even inadvertently, the last thing you want is for your boyfriend to feel guilty that his daughter is pressuring him to be alone with her, without you. So, when she does get to know you, little by little, and over time, let it be her idea to want to spend more time with you. Let her be the one to ask her dad if you can go to the zoo with them. If you follow her lead, and if you’ve given her plenty of time to see you around and not as a threat, then you’ll be helping create a step-family and not just insinuating yourself into her world with her father and taking him away from her.

So, that’s her, but I’m actually concerned about you, too! If you’re going to move 9 hours away for this guy, make sure you’re prepared with a Plan B in case things don’t work out for you. I know you’re excited, but you don’t know him that well, and he’s got some baggage in his ex-wife and daughter that are going to weigh in on your relationship. So, after you do move and get to town, spend another year dating him to make [i]sure[/i] he’s the one. It’s not just the two of you that will be in jeopardy if things don’t work out. The little girl will be hurt, too. And on the other hand, if things do work out, you may end up being a step-mother! No small responsibility, that.

So don’t get clouded by your emotions. Keep your head straight. Remember, dating every 3 weeks for 8 months is really different than being in the same town and seeing each other several times a week and dealing with his day to day (as well as yours!) with work, custody schedules, his ex-wife’s reaction to you having a relationship with her ex-husband her daughter, and his parents, family and friends. So slow it down big time, and get to know this guy a lot better.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re so hurt, but you did the right thing. Let me help clarify your confusion. If after 2 years of dating you kept having the same fights and the same problems, and you both decided it would be better to split up, you were right. Two years is enough time to know if your relationship is heading in the right direction. Yours wasn’t, and you couldn’t fix it. So don’t beat yourself up about the break up. It was probably overdue.

Your ex-boyfriend was wrong to call you after he went on a date with someone else, post-break up. And you weren’t wrong to get upset with him. He was breaking the “break up rules”. If you’re broken up, act broken up!

Unfortunately, that phone call confused you because he rubbed your face in the fact that he was dating immediately after you broke up. The wound from the break up was raw, and it was a cruel thing to do — even if he was saying he wanted you back. Actions speak louder than words. I’m not so sure he wasn’t really intending to rub your face in the fact that he was out on a date with someone other than you.

The pain of the break up with or without your ex-boyfriend’s faux pas, hurts. And that’s what you’re feeling. Two years is a long time to be with someone and then to suddenly have broken up. Expect some time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Surround yourself with people who are comforting and upbeat. You want only positive people right now!

Take care of yourself, too. Eat well, sleep well, exercise, go out with friends, and let yourself be sad about the loss of the relationship, but don’t panic or wallow. You’re going to be ready to get back out there and find someone who loves and appreciates you, with whom you don’t fight the way you did with the ex. You did the right thing. You’re in the right place at the right time, now.

You’re going to have lots of wonderful men to choose from when you’re ready to start dating again.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hey, Steve! I appreciated what you wrote about letting go of blame for your divorce. When you’re ready to let go of blame, you’re really ready for a more enlightened life — and a greater level of love and intimacy. When you blame someone for a divorce ending you’re really giving them responsibility that they never had in the first place. Humans are flawed — big time! We forget that when we’re hurt or rejected. Sometimes it doesn’t occur to us that they’re making a mistake, or we should have seen this coming, or there was no way that with the tools we had we could have foreseen a split. All we feel is hurt. So we lash out, and blame people.

The best we can do is try to be understanding and responsible for ourselves, and when it comes to love, know our selves and what we want, who we’re partnering with or marrying. That’s what I try to help you with.

Your ex-wife is part of your past, because you’re no longer with her romantically. But she’s also part of your present and your future because you have a daughter together. And if you hate something in your ex-wife, you’re hating a part of your daughter. That’s a really hard concept to come to terms with in real life! Some people never do. They let the hurt in their lives tarnish their futures.

So if you can find a way to understand that both you and your ex-wife did the best you could with what you had when you were together, and it still didn’t work out, then maybe you can accept the failure as a failure of that relationship at that time. Now, you get to raise your daughter. And anyone who speaks ill of her, you or her mother, needs to be set right. You can tell your mom, “I know you’re trying to be protective of me when you speak badly of your granddaughter’s mother, but I don’t like it, and I want you to stop it. She’s important in our lives because she’s the mother of my daughter and your granddaughter, so let’s just accept her and be civil at least and kind at best.”

I promise that your daughter will live a better life for your behavior on her mom’s behalf, and she’ll be much more able to accept and love a stepmother if you choose to re-marry.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me respond to Moose first, and then I’ll get to Steve afterwards.

I think it’s great that you know you don’t want to sleep alone and you want a girlfriend. Being in a committed long term relationship is really great for someone like you who seems to like tradition, and while it’s not officially legal, like marriage, don’t fool yourself into thinking it’s any less important.

It sounds like you’re a great guy who’s a little 😆 stubborn! My suggestions of a coffee shop, a new shirt or a haircut were just a couple of off the cuff pieces of advice for you to shake things up a little and change your routine. I don’t care if you make your own sludge-like coffee or drink a gallon of soy latte cappucino! The point is to get our of your rut. Drink water, for all I care — but do something different than what you’ve been doing because that old routine isn’t working for you. If all you eat is hot dogs and sodas, try a different hot dog stand in a different part of town. Or try a burger! Or ask a woman in the supermarket where you buy your hot dogs and burgers what the heck she likes about those turkey dogs, I mean, really? Turkey dogs? If online dating isn’t yielding anyone for you, don’t go there. If a specific site tells you they don’t have anyone for you, try something else.

You see what I mean?

You’re stuck in a bit of a rut, and you’re denying yourself — and some great women out there who want to meet you and go out with you, but can’t because they’re not where you are — the opportunity for love and intimacy.

Shake it up, Moose!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you think she just wants to be friends, then you’re probably right. The weirdness is because you want more than friends, and she knows it.

My advice to you is to stop being so available to her. She may feel like you’re too much of a nice guy who’s always there, always around, always wanting her…..always the doormat to be walked on. Women don’t go for the nice guy. They go for the man they think they may not be able to get. They want the man who may not have time for them. They often really go for the guy who appears confident and even cocky.

I’m not suggesting that you [i]not[/i] be nice. I just want you to have every advantage here. Women usually equate nice guys with boring and predictable. Snoozzzzzze. So, be charming and intriguing and be less available. Then, when you call her up and ask her out, she won’t have just seen you at lunch — and breakfast — every day!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can help you understand what’s going on here, but buckle up for some reality that you’re not going to like hearing — at first:

1. You started dating a man who was already in a 2 year relationship with another woman. You can call it what you like, but from where I sit, he was sleeping with and being emotionally intimate with someone else to whom he felt loyal. He was (and still is) committed to her. So….he was not really available to you when you started dating him. If you had been playing the field at the same time he was, that would have been fine, but you prematurely threw yourself into something that wasn’t really there. He had someone else — no matter how he tried to spin it to you. You let your feelings cloud your sense of reality.

2. When he finally did break up with her for you, he continued staying in touch with her for “friendly hangouts” [b]Eh-eh!![/b] Can you hear my disqualification buzzer going off? The fact that he was honest with you about it just makes you complicit in the drama triangle. This is where you should have told him you felt uncomfortable with his seeing her alone so soon after the break up. And if you didn’t feel uncomfortable, then maybe you really didn’t care about the relationship that much. (Or about your own feelings and intuition.)

3. Then, after these “friendly hangouts” with his ex-girlfriend, he broke up with you! You can try and protect yourself by spinning it otherwise, but [i]her[/i] feelings won out. If you were so important to him, he wouldn’t have broken up with you. You can try and fool yourself by trying to blame the break up on his guilt and depression. Or you can try and fool yourself that he’s a great guy by applauding his honesty and gentility. (Can you hear me gagging?) But from where I sit, this guy manipulated you, he used you, and he played you. And the [i]worst[/i] part of it all is that he’s played himself!! This guy is NOT honest with himself, and therefore he can’t really be honest with any one else.

4. And now here’s where I scold you for blaming the other woman!! This has [i]nothing[/i] to do with her at all. He had a choice to stay with you, and he didn’t. He took the “time-out”. And even the time out is bogus because he’s still calling you and manipulating you! The fact that you’re holding in your feelings when he calls you is proof he’s getting you to do what he wants — and what are you getting in return? Really? Nada. A boyfriend? Nope. A friend? Nope. (If you think he’s friend, then ask yourself why you can’t be honest with him.)

You need to really understand that [i]this[/i] man wants both women! He wants you and he wants her and he wants you both to love him and not be upset with him or at him. And he’s manipulating you into doing just that.

Wake up!!

You deserve someone fabulous in your life who appreciates and respects you as well as craves and needs you. When you understand how great you are, you’ll understand that you shouldn’t be wasting another second of your time with this bozo. Let him figure out his own problems without you. You’ve taken the first step to find happiness by writing me. Now take my advice, and let go of this guy completely. I mean a real time out where you don’t take his calls at all. Get over him. He’s not that big a deal.

Next, get out there. Take dating seriously, and you’ll start to see what is available to you in terms of men. There are really wonderful men out there who want a great woman like yourself. You deserve one of the good guys, so go get one.

My book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can buy online by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, will help you a lot. You should get it when you’re ready to move on with your life. It will help you get out there and find Mr. Right. Not Mr. Half A Heart.

[Member]

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