[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yup! You’re right. Getting to know people is really important because on one day a man can behave a certain way for reasons that are all about you [i]or[/i] have nothing to do with you. On another day, he can realize he’s not interested in you for a myriad of different reasons. (The same goes for women!)

Don’t put all your eggs into one basket that is a first meeting, or even a first and second date. Get to know people over time in order to really find out who them are, and at the same time, be prepared for change. Even when you do know someone for decades, they can still surprise you!

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Optimistvik is right that your wife is feeling insecure. Being a stepmother can really bring that out because the husband’s children have a bond to him that the new wife can never share in the same way that the biological mother can. This [i]can[/i] be threatening. And to be fair, stepchildren sometimes feel threatened by the stepmother, for the same reasons, as well. They see the new wife as replacing their mother and threatening their family, as it used to be. They can also see their father as rejecting them for his new wife.

It’s [i]complicated! [/i]

This is exactly why it’s so important not to put family members on the defensive when possible. Absolutely make the new wife understand that she comes first, but at the same time, don’t let go of relationships with children. It’s a big balancing act that looks different every minute of every day! But it can be done.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Thank you, Steve, for that great male perspective on getting back to “the living” after divorce. I want to add and invite Moose to let go of any blame for the divorce. That means not blaming yourself [i]or[/i] your ex-wife. This isn’t easy, because blame keeps us from accepting uncomfortable and hurtful rejection, but it’s a goal you can shoot for. Too often anger and blame fester long after a divorce has been completed. In fact, some people take the anger to their graves with them. Sadly, this doesn’t hurt the person they’re blaming. It only hurts the person holding the blame.

Rejection is hurtful, but once you realize that you’ve been set free by someone who didn’t want you anymore, to get out there and find someone who does, you’ll realize that it was truly the only road you had to happiness. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to be with you, leads to misery. While it’s sad that people take marriage vows to be together until death, and don’t honor them, there is a bright side to freedom. I’m not advocating divorce, but if you do find yourself in that bucket, as more than half of married people do, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, it’s the beginning of the next chapter.

Life happens, and we all get surprises, both good and bad. It’s important to look at the past for any clues that guide you in your future. For example, when Moose looked at his divorce, he realized that he was a good provider and a great father. Those are two assets he can be proud of and offer up in his next relationship. He can also try and look back and see that perhaps his ex-wife didn’t intend to leave the marriage when she first married him. It was something neither one of them could project into the future on their wedding day. So he can understand that you do the best you can but all of our plans in life are subject to redirection! Sometimes it’s because of a hurricane that blows down your home, and other times it’s because of a great woman who rocks your world.

When one day Moose does find love with a great woman (and I KNOW that day is coming — even if he doesn’t right now! 😉 ) he can look back and be grateful to his ex-wife for having children with him (because they are part of both he and his ex-wife) and for allowing him the freedom in his life that the divorce afforded to find true love again with someone who really wants him, and to live happily ever after, even if the story took a few twists and turns along the way!

Forgiveness is part of healing, and an important key to being generous in all aspects of life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yup! Let it go. He’s not the one.

Here’s why: he shouldn’t be giving you his number. You should be giving him [i]yours! [/i] He’s not comfortable acting like the man in the relationship. He’s making you be the guy by doing the chasing. This is a big red warning light, and a sign that you’re going to have problems down the line — if things continue. Which they aren’t.

His not calling you is the ultimate sign he’s not interested. Sorry. I know how much you don’t want this to be true, but it is.

If a man is interested in you, he’ll chase you until he catches you. Your job is to give him something to chase so he feels victorious when he finally does get you. If you make it too easy on him, you’re giving him the booby prize, not the grand prix prize.

You might want to check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that will show you how to find Mr. Right and how to get him — without being the man! I’m not trying to sell my book as much as I’m trying to help you. I think you would really benefit from a quick read. You can download the book here: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html[/url]

Since you’re 29, you’re probably thinking about marriage and children. This is a perfect time for you to take dating seriously. I do. And I know you’ll find Mr. Right with some changes in your behavior (don’t take guys’ numbers and don’t be the one to initiate contact) and look for men who are not only available, but truly interested!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Sorry, Moose, but I don’t buy you being single. I think you’re the marrying kind. I think you’re very sensitive, and you got burned, and you’re having trouble getting out of your own head and feeling like a victim.

I hope that I can be the kick in the pants that gets you out of hiding. If I had any influence over you, I’d tell you to put down the bottle and pick up a gym membership. The YMCA works, or a fancy health club does, too. If you start working out, you’re going to start feeling better. Go every day after work.

I don’t know what you look like, but I’m suggesting you get a hair cut, buy a few new clothes, and start going out for coffee every Sunday morning at your local coffee shop. Pick up coffee, a newspaper and sit down and read for an hour. Smile at any cute women who pass your table. In fact, smile at the ones who aren’t cute, too. You need the practice!

You have a job, you’re going to look great after going to the gym and getting a haircut and some new clothes, and before long, women are going to be interested in you. You won’t be able to deny it, and you’ll notice your own interest in them.

This is just for starters.

So do it, and let me know how things go. There [i]is[/i] life after divorce. I swear.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve put yourself in a very difficult situation by living with your girlfriend and your best friend. You’re all in such close proximity that a problem was bound to happen! For future, [i]do not [/i]ask a girlfriend to live with you when you already live with another guy. Problems are destined to occur, and they did! So, don’t do that again.

The reality for now is that you can’t keep the equilibrium you had going, going any longer. Things are going to change. My advice to you is not keep secrets from your girlfriend if you really care about her. And if you don’t care about her enough to be honest with her, you probably shouldn’t be living with her or even dating her. So you need to stop keeping a bond with your friend/roommate about your girlfriend. End of that story.

Since you broke those two rules (moving your girlfriend in with you and your best friend, and keeping a secret with your best friend, about your girlfriend, from her) the most you can hope for is a change of geography! What I mean is, I’d suggest changing your living arrangements. I know it’s a big step, but the situation you’re in now is going to get worse if you don’t do this. I would suggest that either your girlfriend moves out so that you continue to date her while she’s living somewhere else or if you decide she’s acting too shady, you can break up with her and not have her continue to live with you. Either way, having her move out is a good idea. If she moves elsewhere and you do continue to date her, you’ll be able to see more clearly how good (or bad) things are between the two of you. That way, you can decide if you want to continue dating her. When you’re living together and she’s hanging out in your house constantly, it’s hard to determine where the two of you are romantically. Too many boundaries are broken when she’s another housemate, as well as your girlfriend. It’s a tough dynamic to maintain, as you can now see!

The other option is having your friend move out and keep the girlfriend with you, amping up your romantic relationship to the next level because it’s no longer you, your girlfriend and your best friend. You’ll be seriously living together as opposed to housemates with another guy. It’ll be just you and your girlfriend. You may lose your best friend over this. Or, your girlfriend may decide it’s too serious for her and back out, and you’ll know where you stand with her.

Let me know how things go. Should be an interesting week for you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Glad I could help. And even more glad that you’re moving in a healthy and happy direction. Good luck! Stay strong!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The real problem here is that you haven’t dated in years since your divorce. It’s time.

You need to get out there, and start looking for Ms. Right. And trust me, she [i]IS[/i] out there! If you’re having trouble getting back in the game, check out my book, Date Out of Your League, that I wrote specifically for men who are looking for a wonderful woman, but can’t quite find her. I think you can use this book to help you get back out there, now that it’s been long enough for you to have gotten over your divorce, and it’s time to move on in the dating arena. You deserve it.

You can get the book by clicking on this link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url] The $14.95 book downloads, so you can start reading this week. You’ll feel better once you start taking this matter into your own hands.

Where you’ve gotten into trouble is by falling for an old friend of yours who happens to be divorced also. But you didn’t even make the first move — she did. It resulted in a one night stand, and she’s not interested in anything but being friends with you. She’s making it very clear to you. Do yourself a big favor and listen to her. There’s nothing there for you.

When you’ve gone through a trauma like a divorce, it’s easy to feel connected to old friends who kind of fly under the radar. If you’d pursued this woman as if she was someone you’d just met, rather than someone who’s a safe friend, you might never have ended up in bed with her. In fact, I’d bet you wouldn’t have. I know you’re heartbroken because you’re mistaking 13 years of friendship with her for logged in time in a romantic relationship. The reality is she’s doing you a big favor by taking herself off of your possible date list. She’s not interested.

You’ve just been burned by rejection in a failed marriage, and maybe the divorce wasn’t your idea either, but regardless, seeing your ex-wife move on can hurt, no matter how much you loathed her at the end of the marriage. So any little sting, like this friend not wanting to be your girlfriend, is going to hurt more right now.

I hope you’ll consider what I call The Numbers Game when it comes to dating. You’re going to have to get up to bat numerous times in order to get that one grand slam where you hit the ball out of the park, and find Ms. Right. Dating takes work, so roll up your sleeves, read my book, and get out there. You’re going to feel a whole lot better when you start dating women who do want you for who you are. Go get ’em!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You bet! Let me know how things go.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re definitely over-analyzing. The only surefire way you can know if a woman will go out with you is if you ask her and get a response!

I know you’re nervous about asking her out, so my advice is to buy my book for $15.95, online. It’s called Date Out Of Your League, and it’s written for men! It will give you every tip and piece of advice you need to know when and how to ask a woman out — and every detail you can imagine (and some you can’t!) in between. You’ll probably love the chapter on body language which tells you how to decipher the way she moves so you can know what she’s truly thinking about you.

Here’s the link for the book:
[url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/date-out-of-your-league.html[/url]

Once you pay for the book, it downloads immediately, so you can actually start reading tonight! It’s a quick read, and you sound like you will benefit from reading a chapter a night.

So, get the book, and it will help you figure out how to get a woman like “B”. In the meantime, you’re going to have to stop worrying about other people’s feelings — especially your friend A. Who you date is none of her business — unless, of course, it’s her! If you’re going to try and take care of both women, you’re going to fail miserably. So figure out what you want, and go for it. If you want to ask out B, then do it, but understand that it’s none of A’s business.

It’s possible for men and women to be friends, but it’s not easy, and you’ve stumbled into a perfect example of why it’s so tough. If A was really your friend, she wouldn’t be so controlling of who you date. She doesn’t have your best interests at heart. She’s just interested in controlling social situations. So if you choose to go along with her drama, you’re going to spend most of your time gossiping and less of your time actually living your own life!

So quit talking to A about your love life. Put up a clear boundary with her. And read my book, and go about pursuing B — and other women who might be right for you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s easy to mis-read people — [i]especially[/i] when you’re feeling under the weather. This is a very common problem. You’ll do fine.

Feel better!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Stepfamilies are [i]very[/i] difficult! I’m glad you wrote, because this is an important problem that needs care — and ongoing care, at that. The trick with stepfamilies is understanding that they change. Your wife is changing because her minor son is leaving to go into the military. Your children are all changing by marrying and having children. And your role is changing when you become a husband, a father, an ex-husband, a re-married husband, a step-father and a grandfather! And that’s just for starters.

My first piece of advice is not to lie to your wife about your keeping in contact with your children. You need to come clean with her and tell her the truth about what you’ve been doing. I suspect the reason you didn’t tell her you were contacting your children against her wishes is that you didn’t want to deal with the conflict and disappointment from her. Tough. Welcome to marriage with children and step-children! Conflict and disappointment are as much a part of the terrain as love and security are. So buckle up, and tell her the truth. And apologize big time for betraying her trust in this arena. You were wrong here. Admit it and move on.

Second, you need to tell your wife that she does come first, and that you will support her in expecting good behavior from your children. In the same breath, you also need to tell her that you will not cut off your children. In answer to your question, it is realistic for her to ask you to cut off from them unless they apologize to her — anything she asks is realistic. But you’re not going to do it. They are your children, for better or for worse, and you want a relationship with them.

Third, you can tell her that you will only visit the children with her, to show your commitment to her. If she chooses not to go, then that’s okay. But every time you visit them, invite her. [i]Every[/i] time!

Fourth, you need to deal with this apology demand on her part. It would be wise for her to drop her demand for an apology. It’s petty and step children and step parents say stupid things to each other all the time, mostly because they don’t have models for these roles. Also, because the pressure on stepfamilies is uncharted territory. Eventually studies will come out showing how much stress stepfamilies endure, but for now, take my word for it. Somebody has to break the cycle and take the high road here, and if she can find it in her heart to do so — even if the children all have 666 etched on their scalps and are terminally unpleasant — it would be a big gift to you because they’re your children.

Most importantly, is your own attitude in approaching your wife on this subject. You’re going to have to breathe new life into what I suspect is a beaten down subject with her. Be understanding of her very difficult role in this family. Step-mothers are almost always in a no-win situation with the step-children. So empathize and thank her for sticking in there with you for all these years even when it’s been rough going! In fact, a preemptive present wouldn’t be a bad idea because she’s going to automatically go into defensive mode. You want to try and stay away from attacking her or making her feel anything, but supported and heard. A gift might do the trick to grease the wheels on this tough (series of) conversation(s).

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry, but the more you tell me, the more I think she’s over her relationship with you, and after a year, has moved on. It’s time for you to do the same.

It does, however, sound like you have some fear of rejection that may be keeping you from asking out other women, and exploring the world of dating to see if Ms. Right is out there somewhere for you. When you mentioned that you didn’t want to ask your ex out because last time you did, she said no, and you sounded desperate and woke up the next day hating yourself, I got an inkling of this fear.

Please know that when someone rejects you, they’re actually doing you a favor. You have to take a step backwards to see the favor, but the reality is that they’re keeping you from wasting time with someone who’s not interested in you. Not everyone is your soul mate, and if they can save you months of dating in order to find out if they’re the one, with a simple, “No, sorry – I’m not interested,” well, then, they’ve saved you lots of time and possible heartache. The quick sting of their no will become less painful the more you date and understand that in order to find Ms. Right, you have to get out there and ask women out. They’re not all going to say yes to you, in fact, you’re going to have to say no to some of them, when you don’t ask them out for a subsequent date because you’ve discovered they’re not right for you! So know that there is pain in life, but that in order to get to the pleasure of finding true love, you’re going to have to suffer the temporary sting of some “no” along the way.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me help you cut through the confusion because your feelings are preventing you from seeing clearly what the reality is. Your co-worker wants to hook up with you. On the side. He is committed to his live in girlfriend of two years, and isn’t going to break up with her for you. He will, however, cheat on her with you, which you’ve already dabbled in a little. But you’re not going to be number one. She is. You will always be number two (at least) with this guy.

He doesn’t need any prodding. He knows how to get a girlfriend! If he wanted to ask you out on a date or make you his girlfriend, he has the tools to do it….but he doesn’t do it because he wants his girlfriend to be, well, his girlfriend! At most, you’ll be someone he cheats with. He’s just looking for something extra on the side. So, in answer to your questions at the bottom of your post, you can prod him all you want while his girlfriend’s out of town, and you can probably get him to sleep with you, but you’re not going to get him to break up with his girlfriend. And even if he did, think about how low you’d be stooping to get — a guy who cheats!! You’re having to wait until the girlfriend goes out of town to try and push this guy into being with you?? Sorry, but that’s a little pathetic. You should raise the bar for yourself and consider taking a higher road in life.

As for his romantic feelings for you — I’m not sure they’re romantic. He likes you and he wants to have sex with you. But you really need to consider why you want someone who’s not available to you, and who doesn’t want to break up with his girlfriend for you.

My intuition tells me he’s not Mr. Right — he’s more like Mr. Right Now. Or more specifically, Mr. Works the Same Restaurant Shift I Do. It’s not easy to meet men, and a lot of men and women meet on the job. My suggestion to you is to get out more and start looking for places where you can meet men who are single, and not taken. They’ll be much more likely to ask you out right away because they’re [i]ready[/i] to be in a relationship with you. This guy is just going to continue to waste your time leading you on. So don’t let him. You take charge of your own life.

I’ve got an entire chapter in my book, Think & Date Like A Man, on where to meet eligible men. You should read it! (You can click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page and scroll down until you find the book. It’s $15.95 and you can download it immediately and skip to that chapter. But I’d also recommend your reading the other chapters. They’ll help you out of this love life rut you’re in.)

Once you’re with someone who’s available and committed to you, you’re going to look back at this crush on this guy and wince. He’s going to seem like a mini-blip on the radar screen that is your love life!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You had a wonderful, romantic interlude with a great young woman. But the reality is that you both live far enough away from each other, and are both starting rigorous college semesters so that a “normal” relationship where you’d see each other once or twice a week on dates, or if she were at the same university you are, during classes or on campus, is impossible.

My advice to you is to accept this romance for what it is, but don’t try and force it into something it isn’t meant to be. Keep in touch with her, and plan to get together the next time it is mutually convenient, but also accept that you’ve already had one misunderstanding (where she thought you liked someone rather than her) in your 10 day romance, and there’s a good chance that with distance and more frequent communication, there may be at least a few more misunderstandings that could taint the lovely time you have had together.

I know it’s hard to keep things light when you feel like you’re on the verge of full blown love, but the reality is that distance makes people incompatible. So keep in touch until a time when the distance is no longer such a challenge, and keep your mind and your heart open to more romance in your life, like this.

[Member]

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