[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is a very common problem about communicating. Your boyfriend asked if you needed anything, and you told him no. He can’t read your mind, so when he heard no, he believed you. But he’s a nice guy, so he called you again the next day to ask how you were doing, and you told him better, with some sleep problems, but basically fine. You still didn’t tell him you wanted anything from him.

I think your boyfriend did everything right. You are the one who needs to learn to express yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable at first, so that you can let him know what you really want. It’s unfair for you to be upset with him if you don’t communicate what he’s supposed to do.

If you’re still not feeling well the next time he calls — or if you catch another cold or flu at another time — tell him, “I’m feeling better (or rotten — whatever the case is), but I’d love it if you could bring me some soup or oranges. If it’s not too much trouble, that would really make me feel a lot better.”

I know you want him to automatically be super considerate, but this is who he is, and the fact that he called you twice is pretty good. If you want him to do better, you’re going to have to train him a little — and at the same time, train yourself to communicate with him in a way you haven’t before.

It sounds like he’s a nice guy, and that he may actually welcome a little direction from you. My guess is he has no idea, whatsoever, that you want him to bring you fruit. If and when he does do it, make sure you lavish praise on him, so he learns that this is how you want to be treated when you’re sick.

And by the way — this has nothing to do with age or nationality. Lots of men of all ages don’t naturally nurture the same way women do, so if you want some oranges or some soup or some tissues, be more specific with him.

Oh, and feel better!! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re grasping at straws. Whether or not her feet on a chair means anything other than she was resting them, or that she was sending you a secret sexual signal is really irrelevant. If you want to get back together with her, ask her out on a date. If she wants to go, you’ll know it because she’ll say yes. Trying to read the hidden meaning of feet on a chair is just going to waste your time. A simple, “Would you like to have dinner with me on Thursday?” will get you an answer a lot quicker! Without the hidden meanings!!

If she says no, then it’s time for you to seriously move on. A year is enough time for you to have dealt with the break up, if you’re going to. Make sure you’re really moving on and not just “not seeing her.” If she doesn’t want to date you any more, then you need to start dating other women. Look for women who do have the same principles in life that you do, since you wrote that that was the breaking point between your ex and yourself. But do start playing the numbers game in dating. If you don’t date, you won’t get to know if an attractive woman is Ms. Right or not!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Think about what you’ve just told me. Your boyfriend would rather live with his cats than you. What part of that equation makes him a good boyfriend, let alone someone you’d marry?

You may think you love this guy, but he doesn’t love you enough to live with you, or prevent your physical suffering. I’d say he’s using the cats so he doesn’t have to marry you or get closer, emotionally. It would be VERY easy for him to give the cats to a reputable animal shelter. But he won’t.

I know you think living together was a bad idea, but I think you learned something extremely valuable from it, if you’d just get over your delusions that this guy is worthy of your love, and see that he’s not for you. In fact, I bet if you weren’t allergic to the cats, he’d come up with something else to drive a wedge between the two of you. So thank your lucky stars you didn’t waste any more time on this cat man, keep your apartment that’s just yours, and start dating other men who will see how great you are, and would give up the world for you if it meant they get to sleep with you every night. I mean, really! If this guy has a choice of waking up to you in his arms, in his home, or waking up to clumped kitty litter and some Purina cat chow, and he chooses the latter, you’re dodging a bullet.

Move on with your life. Mr. Right is out there! (And he doesn’t love cats.)

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Hey, you’re not too old to benefit from my book, Think & Date Like A Man! Because, believe it or not, I get dating questions from people who are pre-teens, all the way up through senior citizens, and married multiple times, so you may be 53, but you’re not a novelty to me!

The book will give you in detail what I’m going to give you in a nutshell here. The basic dynamic of dating is that men like to chase and capture. When what they’ve gotten is a prize, they want to keep it. That’s where you come in. As a woman, you are the prize. You’ve obviously done a great job at being attractive and alluring so that this guy you really like, wants you. Your anxiety is understandable, so here’s what I can tell you to alleviate it.

You’re ready to sleep with him after 15 dates. (Not that this number is a hard and fast rule. Given your background and your lifestyle — kids out of the house, 2 divorces, etc. — and that you’ve spent time getting to know him, you’re ready.) Your job in the bedroom is to be as alluring and interesting as you’ve been out of the bedroom, so that the two of you get to know each other sexually, romantically, and increase your intimacy.

“Giving it up,” is a funny way to describe sex because it implies there’s a one time ticket involved. The key to a great sex life is in the longevity of your sex life. Every time you go to bed with your boyfriend, you get to do the same old stuff, your favorite stuff, or something new. You get to express your emotions and your sexuality with him. This is another arena for you to discover each other, and share yourselves with each other. So let go of the idea that once you’ve gone to bed with him, it’s all over. The truth is, this phase of your life together will just be beginning.

The cold, hard truth is that sometimes relationships don’t work out, and when women have invested themselves sexually, they are sometimes more hurt when a break up comes. The sex bonds them to men in a different way than it bonds men to women. But life is full of surprises, good and bad, and it’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all. You’re playing your cards right, and you’re not jumping into bed with someone you met this afternoon, so I think you have to understand, especially as someone who’s been divorced a couple of times, that even the best love affairs and marriages sometimes don’t pan out. But you can’t let that stop you from living your life to it’s fullest at any age.

So, go for it. You’re being smart, but you can’t control everything in life, so make your decisions wisely, and then let go and allow passion to become part of your life. I have a feeling you’re going to be just fine.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

That’s great news!

Remember to put yourself as a good mother first, and as a girlfriend second. It’s a good rule of thumb to follow when dating as a single mother. And if your boyfriend is serious about you, he’ll not only understand this rule, but support it. Your child is very young, and if things work out with this guy, he will spend the rest of his life as a step-parent to your child. So act wisely and accordingly. Dating as a single parent is different than dating without children.

Let us all know how things progress!

Have a great weekend.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your questions about this guy are misguided. What you should really be asking is, “What’s going on with [i]you?[/i]” Not him! It sounds like this guy from your past has popped up out of the blue and sparked your interest in cheating on your husband. It really doesn’t sound like you’ve been carrying a torch for a long lost love — or that you’re interested in leaving your husband for this potential affair. So the question becomes, since it’s not really about this guy, what’s going on in [i]your[/i] life that is making [i]you[/i] want to stray from your husband — a man that you’re not even interested in leaving?

My sense is that you’re bored. You’re probably bored in your marriage, and possibly in the rest of your life, too. This happens. But let’s address boredom in marriage. When cliches about marriage being hard work pop up, it’s because they’re hard work to maintain for many people. It’s easy to get stuck in a rut, let yourself go, and forget to be the temptress you were when you lured your husband during your dating days. Since you do seem interested in keeping your marriage in tact, I’d forget about this guy who’s obviously playing you — and probably other women at the same time — and focus on how to put the sizzle back in your bedroom with your husband. I think it’s a much more valuable use of your time and energy. This guy from your past is looking for something easy on the side, and he’s going to disappoint you big time if you do get involved, so feel free to get together with him — with your husband, for drinks or dinner with this guy’s wife, as well. Double dating is fine. Anything else, no go.

Now, back to your marriage, which is where your problem lies. I’ve written this great book called Romantic Date Ideas that married couples seem to like a lot. It gives you ideas on how to set up romantic and very sexy situations that can set the scene for re-charging your sex life. I wrote this book in response to reader questions just like yours — so know that you’re not alone in this problem.

Get my book (you can order it online by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link above and scrolling down the page), and start focusing on feeling sexy and behaving sexually towards your husband. If you spend that pent up energy on the man you’ve already committed to and whom you don’t want to leave, you’ll be very happy with the results. But if you waste your energy on this guy from your past who’s using you for some (very) cheap thrills, you’re going to be hurt, and you run the risk of wrecking two families — his and yours.

So, do the right thing. Get my book, Romantic Date Ideas — you can order it online for $14.95, download it, and start reading it this weekend! And focus on being not just the same old, same old wife you’ve been for the last several years, but the alluring woman you’ve forgotten you are.

Here’s the link: [url]https://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/romantic-date-ideas.html[/url]

And let me know how it goes.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve been getting some mixed messages — literally! Sometimes text messages or e-mails can get convoluted if the service isn’t working right. Since you had 2 weeks of getting along with this new woman, and she was sick, and maybe not herself, and having technical difficulties with her text service, I’d wait a few days and rather than text her, try a different method of communication. You can wait until you run into her in person, or call her on the telephone. Plain old e-mail works, too!

Try it, and let me know what happens.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good for you! You’re clearly making positive steps towards your own health and that’s going to lead you to a [i]worthwhile[/i], romantic partner.

I’m very glad that my book, Think & Date Like A Man, is helping you. It’s a great idea to read a little each day the same way you’d do crunches or do cardio exercise. And thank you for your kind words about the book! 🙂

I have to admit, I worry that you’re still in touch with this guy and telling him nice things. I know you have to take my advice and make it your own, but remember that this guy is going to try and reel you back in. The way that used to work was for him to make you feel like you were needed. When he tells you you’re the only one who understands him, he’s appealing to that part of you that is weak and wants to be needed. Remember that this guy is abusive. He abused your emotions and he abused your trust. But you are an adult and you let him.

So my mantra to you is: stay away from this guy, and don’t think about him. Think about you! Forget about his problems in knowing how to treat a woman. Think about [i]your[/i] problems in knowing how to be treated. Think about what [i]you[/i] deserve in life, and where [i]your[/i] boundaries are (no lawn mowing!!). 😉

And let me know how it all goes!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry, but you need to forget this guy. He has a child with his girlfriend, and he’s trying to work things out with them to give his baby a family. His obligations should be elsewhere at this time, not with you. He did the right thing by trying to work things out with his girlfriend with whom he has a new baby. It’s not surprising things are rocky with them — they often are with couples who are not married and have a new baby. I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you’re better off with someone who’s fully available to you. Seriously. You really don’t have matching luggage with this guy — his emotional baggage is not compatible with yours.

You may be right that his then ex-girlfriend only wanted him back because he was about to go out on a first date with you, but that doesn’t change his behavior or his obligations. In a way, you may have given that family a gift by accepting the date from him — even though you never got to go on it! If his almost dating you was all it took for his ex-girlfriend and baby mama to realize she wanted him back, then that’s lucky for all three of them. And you! Having a baby out of wedlock (such an old fashioned term, but it seems to fit here!), is difficult, and the ex-girlfriend may very well have had post-partum depression and a giant sense of overwhelm, as well as anxiety about not being married to her baby’s father, but the bottom line is [i]you don’t know[/i]. You weren’t there. You’re getting the information second hand. Even if you work in mental health, the facts are important, and you just have your feelings, and what this guy has told you.

So take what you do know — that this guy asked you out, cancelled your date and went back to his ex-girlfriend and baby mama with their months old child to try and make their family work — and cut your emotional ties with him.

If what you’re really doing is trying to fool yourself into thinking that your not having a boyfriend is because you don’t have that guy, wake up and smell the coffee. Finding Mr. Right takes work, and you’ve got to play the dating game well to win it! My guess is that this guy really isn’t the problem. The problem is that you want a boyfriend and haven’t found him yet. Sometimes people try to manufacture reasons for a problem, but this guy isn’t the reason for your problem.

Do check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, which will help you figure out what you do want in a man, a relationship and from yourself. The book will also help you step by step to get what you want — and I’m quite sure that that is someone who is available to you as a boyfriend. You deserve that much!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, since you asked…. 😉

Check out this link for great first date gifts! [code]https://www.askapril.com/dating-tips-first-date-gifts-100.html[/code]

You may also be interested in my book, Ideas For A Fun Date. I’ve written about lots of fun dates you can take someone on — [i]and[/i] gifts you can give your date on each of those times. You can purchase Ideas for A Fun Date by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, and scrolling down to Ideas For A Fun Date. If you’re an active dater, this book should be in your bookshelf, the same way a cook stocks cookbooks on hers!

As for being creative in gift giving, my advice is to consider the person you’re giving the gift to when you want to think outside the box. You might get some hints on a great and unique gift based on that person. Or, you could base a gift on the way the two of you met. For instance, if you met on a business trip, you might send her a snow globe with that city’s landmark inside. It will mean something special to her. If you met walking your dogs, send her a big box of dog biscuits! For anyone else that gift might mean something else, but for her, in that situation, it will be endearing. A CD with the music that was playing in the restaurant where you met, is a great gift.

Let me know how you make out with your gift giving!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well….there’s nothing really to fix. Your friendship with this guy ran it’s course when you stepped into sexual and romantic territory with him. I know that people say that they can be friends with guys even though there’s sexual tension there, but I don’t buy it! If a man and a woman are friends, there is usually going to be some sexual tension, and that changes the relationship. One person is always going to be angling for something more than just friends. So eliminate the notion that this guy was your true friend after you spent the night with him last year and it took him a month to treat you normally again. He’s got a thing for you! You’re not his friend. You’re the object of his feelings. It doesn’t matter that you don’t want him. The fact that he wants you changes the chemistry of your relationship with him.

After you accept that he’s not your friend, all you have to do is understand boundaries. No means no. Just because he’s upset with your perfectly logical no doesn’t mean you have to fret about it. He’s not your child having a temper tantrum. He’s a man who’s acting out, hoping his bad behavior will get him your attention. And so far it’s working! For him!

So stick to your guns, and if you don’t want to date him, stay away from him. Let his feelings be his responsibility, not yours. He can’t be your friend right now, and you can’t be his.

Sorry, but that’s the reality.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Welcome!

And let me help guide you on use of this forum — always start a new thread/topic when you’re starting a new subject, so that you don’t become attached to someone else’s question.

I’m sure you can manage that!

And — did I say welcome?

Oh, yeah.

Welcome!!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It doesn’t sound like your being a virgin is the problem here. It sounds like you attract people who “you have no interest in,” according to you. That’s a problem! Your boss that you’re fooling around with sounds like he’s just using you as a sexual conquest, and you may be doing the same with him. No where in your post do I hear you saying that you like this guy or admire any of his attributes. You mention all his problems, and then say you’re attracted to him even though he’s fooling around with other women while he’s also fooling around with you. Hmmm….what are you doing here?

I know that you think that being 28 and being a virgin is “so wrong,” but that’s just a symptom of your not knowing what you want from yourself and from someone else in a relationship. In fact, your being a virgin probably has more to do with your not wanting to expose your emotions to someone else — not your body. If you’re able to find a way to share your true and deep feelings with someone else, and allow them to share their true and deep feelings with you, you’ll be able to experience real intimacy. Good sex — the kind where you share your self with someone, not just your body — comes from being able to give and take emotions.

My advice to you is get rid of this bozo boss of yours as a lover or anything other than a co-worker. He’s not interested in you for anything more than he can get from you sexually in any given moment.

Then start respecting yourself. When you do that, you’ll attract other people who respect you and who respect themselves, too. That’s a good platform for finding someone who may be able to share feelings, experiences, fun, romance, and maybe even sex. But unless you have that platform of respect — self respect — you’re going down the wrong path.

I hope that that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You can spend a lot of time trying to figure out how you got the way you are, but you’d do better to spend your time now making your life pleasant.

When you move back to Texas, I’d advise you to join a gym or a YMCA where you don’t have to talk very much to make friends. If you’re in the same yoga or pilates class with someone you can become friends because of your gym schedules, or if you work out on machines at the same time as someone else or some other people, again, you can make friends with them because of the gym schedule.

Get a pet and walk your dog in the park or take join a group of people who walk their dogs together.

Keep it LIGHT! Don’t get all analytical. Enjoy your life. Not everything has to be drama.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wacki 0335 has some good advice. Getting together with friends, whether they’re your own private Samantha, Charlotte, Carrie and Miranda (from Sex and The City) or some already established group that does community work or a church group or political party can be great ways to get your mind off of your own problems and realize that other people have problems, too — often much bigger than yours. Suddenly, the world doesn’t seem so bleak!

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