[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think that Tainted, above, gave some good advice from her own life experience!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Don’t e-mail him. He did everything right. And your instinct to let him contact you after the date is correct too, so stick with that instinct!

Since the i-Pod was a first date gift, this may be the sign of things to come. In other words, your date may turn out to be a consistently generous man, as he’s shown signs of being that, and he may be wealthy enough to shower you with gifts like this and upwards, naturally. He’s also quirky and creative enough to show up with an i-Pod instead of flowers, so you’re in for an interesting relationship!

You will have plenty of time to show your gratitude. If and when he calls again, that’s the appropriate time for you to thank him again for the gift.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You picked a winner! And I mean that sarcastically. Your boyfriend/baby daddy is living with you, but won’t divorce his wife? And he’s controlling, insecure and critical? Yuck. The reason he’s acting so crabby is that he realizes that you don’t owe him anything — except visitation with your child together, and possibly some joint custody. He knows you’re going to wake up and smell the coffee any minute now, and want out, and he’s upset about it, so he’s acting out on you. Well, he’s about to get what he’s feared all along.

Here’s what you need to do. Go to your local court and file for child support and custody of your baby. Do this immediately.

Next, you need to break up with him, and he needs to move out. Not you — him. If you can do all this civilly and with good manners, that’s very important. He’s your child’s father, and you two will be connected for the next 18 years while your child is a minor. But as long as he’s married to someone else, and you’re doubtful about the relationship, you’d be wise to make things clear.

Next, focus on being a good mother and that means taking care of yourself as well as your child. Start seeing your friends and family for social and emotional support. Exercise, eat well, get sleep, and go to the park with your baby.

After you get your ducks in a row, as I’ve described above, then, and only then, can I start advising you on dating as a single mom. You may find at that time that you want to try and make things work with your baby’s daddy if he’s divorced and available at that time. If he’s not, you’re free to explore the dating world and see if Mr. Right is out there for you. But all in due time.

Get your act together for now, and you’ll be in good shape after that.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry, but I’ve got to stick up for your boyfriend here. Your relationship may feel non-existent, but it’s not. Wake up and look around you. You have two young children together, and your boyfriend is doing his best to make money to pay the bills and get the four of you a home together so you can move out of your parent’s house. Do you know how many other women in your situation don’t have a man who wants to support them and their children? You may not agree with your boyfriend’s idea that making better money trumps being around every day of the month, but let that one go. Try and be grateful that your boyfriend is working to pay the bills at all. You’ve already said you don’t like his job choice. He’s not changing it. Now, let it go. You lost that one. Don’t make it be a deal breaker.

The fact that he’s only home 10 days out of the month can be tough, but many men work long hours at in town jobs and still only spend the equivalent of 10 full days a month at home. Some men are overseas serving our country and their families don’t get to see them for months on end. Try and be grateful for the 10 days that your boyfriend is home, and when your children miss their father, you can explain to them that daddy is out working so we can afford things and save up to buy a house for just the four of us. It’s a good life lesson for your boys.

What you can do is to make those 10 days out of the month when your husband is home wonderful days for him and the two of you as a couple and the four of you as a family. You have to find a way to be the one who breaks the stalemate you two have on not talking about anything but bills and raising the children. You have to find a way to get out of your funk and be loving and affectionate for those 10 days he’s home.

So stop telling him he’s cheating the boys out of having a father around. He’s not. This is what your family looks like — and frankly, it falls into the range of normal of all the different pictures of what families look like in this world. Their father sees them for 10 days a month. That’s the way it is. Don’t make it a sour 10 days. Make it a celebratory 10 days.

Make a couple of date nights in those ten days. You’re lucky that your parents have allowed you all to move in with them. Now, let them babysit while the two of you go out. Find a way to put the romance and your sex life back together.

It’s going to take a big first step on your part, but the fact that you’ve written me and the intelligence with which you’ve written means to me that you have the goods to deliver the solution.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The answer is yes, it [i]is[/i] time to break up. Since he is the only person you’ve ever dated, and you’ve dated him for six years, and it doesn’t look like he wants to propose — or that you’d accept, then I think it’s high time you break up with him and move on to see what the world has to offer you.

I understand your hesitance to break up with him now because he’s going through some rough times, but to be fair, if you get into another rental lease with him now, and you’ll have to be supplementing his rent, [i]you’re[/i] going to be in an even bigger pickle.

Be kind and graceful, but firm. It’s over.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’d like to give this guy another shot at dating you. I don’t know if he’s going to change or not, but I do know that you can!

Just like he’s putting all his attention on you, and that’s bothering you, [i]you’re[/i] also putting all your attention on him, and that’s bothering you, too! If you aren’t just dating this one guy, and in fact, have other men with whom you’re dating and playing the field, then maybe this guy won’t seem like he’s so intense. Sometimes people bother us the most when we don’t have other things going on in our own lives. So if you play the numbers game in dating, and don’t make him the main event, but rather one of the lucky ones you’re dating to see if he could possibly be Mr. Right, then maybe, just maybe, you’ll appreciate what he has to offer and not be so bothered by his clingy-ness.

Lots of times men don’t realize that nice guys don’t finish first. They finish last. When they give the woman too much attention, and come on too strong, they don’t seem like they’re deserving of her. In fact, they end up seeming desperate. If this guy does feel desperate, then he’s not going to be right for you. But if he’s just an intense guy with everyone, and you realize that you have other choices in men, but given that nobody is perfect, he’s actually pretty great in the scheme of things, then maybe he’s someone you’d consider pursuing a relationship with.

Other things you can do so that his clingy-ness doesn’t bother you are:

You don’t have to take every one of his calls. And you certainly don’t have to return them the same day. Just because he wants your attention doesn’t mean you have to give it to him. If he calls today, it’s perfectly good manners for you to return his call tomorrow. Or even the day after tomorrow.

The same is true with texts and e-mails.

If he asks you out on a subsequent date while you’re still on the first date, you can giggle and tell him he’s adorable, but not give him an answer. In other words, you have a hand in setting the schedule as much as he does. You just have different tools to use.

So, my advice is to give it another shot, but use the advice, above, and see if you have a better time this go round.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This is a problem that calls for less talk and more physical changes. It sounds like you have a romantic relationship with no sex in it. I think that if you and he start having a sexual relationship, you won’t have any questions in your mind — and neither will he.

So don’t have “the relationship” talk. Big mistake. And don’t tell him your feelings. Show him.

You need to fire up your sex appeal and be more flirtatious and sexual with him — without making a first move. You can do this, first of all, with your appearance. It’s easy for you two to be comfortable with each other, but what I want you to do is make him [i]uncomfortable[/i] — in the hot and bothered way. Figure out what your best assets are, and play them up. When you’re out of the office and on dates with your man, dress with sex in mind. You don’t have to say it. Show it.

Give yourself a lingerie makeover. Go buy yourself some very sexy lingerie, so that even if he doesn’t see it — yet — you feel sexier from the inside out. This will make you act sexier. I promise.

It’s great that the two of you are such good friends, but you need to show him that you want him, sexually, again, WITHOUT making the first move. Start thinking about him in a sexual way. You can let your mind run wild, and I promise that he will pick up on what you’re thinking.

Next, stir up some heat with dates that encourage intimacy. I wrote a great book called Romantic Date Ideas. It will give you pages and pages of ideas for dates and how to set them up, so that you both end up feeling sexier than before the date began. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page and scroll down to Romantic Date Ideas. It’s $14.95. You can download the book, and figure out what works for you and your man. Then try them out and let me know what works best!

I don’t think abandonment issues are the problem here at all. I just think that you have to unleash your inner vixen. I’m pretty positive that that is all it’s going to take to get your relationship on the track you want it to be on.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s not really that complicated.

Here’s why. You like a woman who is unavailable. That’s where the story could end.

The complication is that you don’t respect the relationship she’s in. While you list all of this woman’s attributes, you’re forgetting that she’s allowed herself to be emotionally abused, and has allowed herself to be a victim in a relationship. In addition to which, if you hadn’t come along to rescue her, she might still be in this relationship. In fact, she is in it! So….take a step back and look at the perfect woman with a different set of lenses on.

You’re not going to like my advice, but here it is, with your best interest at heart: You need to step away from the car wreck that is this woman’s relationship. You need to focus your eight year search for Ms. Right elsewhere. Preferably on available women. You need to look for women who aren’t victims, but who are healthy and ready to be with you. You don’t sound like you have any “baggage” like ex-spouses or children. Your employment or education don’t seem to be a problem. And you’re attractive, according to you — which I believe!

Take a look at my book, Date Out Of Your League. It’s a book I wrote for men who can’t find the woman they want — mostly because they think that the women they see and want seem to be out of their league. I can help you, with this book, find someone who’s great for you. If you click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, scroll down, and buy Date Out Of Your League, you’ll be on your way. Read it and let me know what you think.

In the meantime, be prepared for this woman’s boyfriend to find out about you and the relationship and flirtation you have with his girlfriend. I doubt that she’ll keep it quiet, and you’re going to have to face that music. It was unfair of you to try and get her to leave the relationship — for you — and then not want to be the cause of her leaving her boyfriend. You’ve put her in a situation she may not be ready to deal with, and now you want to stand behind her and not be the cause of her leaving her boyfriend, even after you’re the catalyst for her possible break up.

Focus on yourself — not this other woman and her abusive boyfriend. Frankly, that’s really between the two of them. The question I’d like you to address is, Why don’t you find a great woman who’s actually available?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are all over the place. You write that you want to change, then you write that you want people to accept you as you are. You want my advice, but then you wonder if my book will really help you at all. (Without even having read it!) Hmmm…..

I’m not sure you want help. In fact, I think you just want attention. That’s why you keep getting involved with the wrong men. You want attention more than you want a healthy, romantic relationship. You take the attention where you can get it, then you wonder why you have a bad relationship. Well, the answer is that that wasn’t your primary goal. It was the attention. Men who aren’t Mr. Right can still give you attention. In fact, guys who are players will give you tons of attention — until they’re tired of you. Which is what I think you’ve experienced. So the truth is [i]you are[/i] getting what you set out to get. You’re just not acknowledging that it’s attention you’ve been looking for — not a relationship.

If you read your string of posts, you’ll see that you don’t really want to take my help. You just want my attention. It’s not wrong to want attention, but it’s a big problem if you confuse your need for attention with the need for a healthy relationship.

My advice to you, again, is to buy my book and read it. I appreciate all the readers who chime in about how Think & Date Like A Man has helped them move forward in their own lives. It’s only $15.95, and a short read, so if you want to take a night off from posting, and instead, download the book and read it, that might be a great use of your time and money.

I don’t think you’re ready to date at all right now. It’s great that you’re in college and that you plan to graduate this year. For now, it’s probably wise for you to focus on your education and career. Not everybody is ready to date, and until you straighten out your thoughts and focus on what it is you really want in your life, and how you’re going to get it, you’re just going to create more chaos for yourself.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Take a breath. It’s okay. Everyone makes mistakes. Even me!! 😀 I always tell my readers that the mistakes are WAY less important than what you do next, so let’s do some damage control.

But first, I want to reassure you that there’s nothing wrong with liking a guy who’s younger or older than you. And as long as you’re both teens, it’s okay. When a legal adult dates a teenager, it’s not okay — but when two adults date, or two teens date, the age difference doesn’t really matter as much as people seem to think. So don’t worry that this guy is a little younger than you.

Okay, second, take note of how you feel. If you had let him chase you, you’d never be in this pickle, so remember this for next time. Let the guy take charge. You be the flirt, the attractive woman and the one who is alluring enough that he wants to ask you out. And….don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Play the field so that you don’t feel desperate when one guy doesn’t call.

Now, since you did make a mistake, don’t compound it. Don’t call him again. Don’t ask him out again. If he does come to you at some point and say, “Hey, what about that date?” or something like that, you can coyly turn it around, and ask, “Well, what [i]about[/i] that date?” And let him take the lead. If he baits you, and says something like, “You asked me out.” You can say, “My bad! That’s really your job,” and give him a giant smile.

In the meantime, don’t panic. If you throw yourself at him, or try too hard to “fix things” you’re going to look desperate and unattractive, so play it cool. Be your fabulous self, and be intriguing to him, and if he’s interested, he’ll ask you out. But give him a little extra time, since he may have been turned off by your asking him out. Understand he needs to see that you’re not doing that any more. It may take a little time, but hang in there. And let me know how it goes.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You mow his lawn??

I’m sorry — did I read that right? Wait. I did. YOU MOW HIS LAWN??? I understand he has problems, but is he missing a leg, too? And if not, what kind of a man would let his girlfriend mow his lawn? I mean the rest of what you write about him is bad enough, but this was the kicker for me.

This guy is totally wrong for you — or any other woman. Run like the wind!! And never — NEVER — mow a man’s lawn again. If he can afford a lawn, he can afford to pay the neighborhood teenager to mow his lawn, and if he’s allowed you to mow his lawn, he’s a total loser.

I know you’re obviously having trouble understanding what a good boyfriend looks like, but let me help you draw a few other lines, besides staying away from any John Deere products in your future:

If he pretends two of his children are his cousins, run!

If he kicks you out of his house, dumps a drink on your head and calls you a witch, run!

If he has you clean his house, do his shopping, make his dinner and pay your own way — run!!

This guy doesn’t know how to treat a woman, and you need to learn what to expect from a man in a relationship and from yourself. I’m going to suggest you immediately buy my book called Think & Date Like A Man, online. At the top of this page is a link called Dating Advice Books. Click on that link, then scroll down the new page that opens and buy the book for $15.95. You can download the book and start reading tonight. But don’t rush through it. Read one chapter a day or every few days and really think about what I’ve written.

You can’t be in a healthy relationship until you know what one looks like, and this book will guide you like a friend who’s right there with you, through the process.

Please ask me any questions you have, along the way. I’d like to help you.

And in answer to your question, Did I ruin a good (enough) thing? The answer is: You didn’t have a good (enough) thing. You had an emotionally abusive relationship where this guy pegged your low self esteem and went to town taking advantage of you. Break up with him tonight. Do not take his calls or e-mails again. No more contact with him.

You need to read my book, and start the next section of your life, which is the one where you start acting like you deserve a great guy who wants to treat you like the princess you are beneath your veneer of low self esteem. Peel back your layers, do what my book advises, and I promise that you will find a [i]really[/i] good thing!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

As far as the newly ex-ed boyfriend goes, sometimes silence is the best tool. Don’t answer his e-mails or calls or texts. Be finished with him. Your mother was right, and so were you. He’s got too many challenges right now to be in your life. He’s playing all kinds of games to keep you engaged. Let that be his thing. You take a different path.

As far as being strong during a break up, my best advice is to focus on making yourself strong. I know that some of this will sound very basic, but bear with me. Eat well, get good sleep, and exercise. Put on makeup every day, and do your hair. Wear pretty clothes and keep your home orderly. All this will make you feel like you’re on top of things and in control — because you are! It will also keep you busy and focused on your own strength and health. Make regular dates to see your friends and family for lunch, dinner, movies, picnics, hikes, swims — whatever you do that is fun and easy.

It’s not too early to start planning a Halloween party or a potluck dinner or something that will bring your family and friends around you to celebrate and enjoy life. Stay busy and focused, and you’re going to not only do fine, and let go of your guilt, but I bet you’ll attract some great, healthy men because you’re going to be living this great, healthy life!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes, you are causing more trouble than it’s worth. This isn’t about you. Nor should it be. Your daughter and her fiance want you to be at their wedding, and it happens to be at your ex-wife’s home. Smile and accept the invitation. Show up and have a good time. Bring a date or if you’ve re-married, your new wife. Make the occasion a festive one. If you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing. Find a way to disengage from your ex-wife so that you can enjoy your daughter’s good fortune, and yours as well. Divorce with children requires new levels of disengagement at each family event, like this second wedding. You are up to the task.

You don’t have to like your ex-wife, but you do have to be civil and if you can muster up some manners, be polite. Do it for your children, and do it for yourself, as a way to move on with your own life and set an example for your daughter and her new extended family. Your ex-wife may have been a witch beyond belief in your now dissolved marriage, and in the divorce proceedings, and even to this day. But, let the bad behavior be hers. [i]You[/i] take the high road and buy a new suit, get a great haircut, and show everyone your best and most gracious side on the day of the event. Dance with your daughter, enjoy your chicken dinner and smile for the family photos.

And when you leave the wedding, toast yourself for having been a great father, a great ex-husband, and a great human being.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Relationships work and don’t work for lots of different reasons, but one of my pieces of advice is to find someone with “matching luggage” since we all bring baggage to the table. Your new partner has some baggage from a prior relationship that is just too much for you to have a peaceful and loving relationship with him.

If you want to continue with your partner, you have to agree on boundaries with his ex. Because he has children with his ex, it[i] would [/i]be understandable that he wants to keep in touch — HOWEVER….his children are adults. He no longer needs to keep in contact with his ex about the children. So that is not an excuse at this time for keeping in touch. When children become adults, the only time there really needs to be contact with the ex is at the children’s weddings, grandchildren events and yes, if there is an emergency. But now, there is no emergency. So it’s time to agree on reasonable boundaries.

Since your partner’s ex is making your life miserable, and your partner doesn’t share custody of minor children with the ex, it would seem to me that he should reasonably want to support you and be loyal to you when it came to his ex’s bad behavior. If he doesn’t want to support you in this way, then it just may be that the two of you are not compatible enough to make a long term relationship work.

When you get involved with someone who’s been married or in a long term relationship with someone else before, and/or you or your new partner have children with other people from those past relationships, the exes have to be considered “extended family” when you get together. And we all know that extended family can make or break relationships and boundaries are the only tool you both have to limit their contact in the life you forge together.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The loss of a child is tragic. It’s also a tremendous strain on the parents of the deceased child and the extended family. People deal with the loss of a child in different ways, and anger and fighting are two of those ways. It is normal and unfortunate with parents are so grief stricken that they take out their fear and grief by fighting with each other. I can try and help you.

First of all, you have to find a way to express your grief — and before you can express it, you have to feel it and know it’s there. Something real and terrible happened to you, and to ignore or repress the feelings surrounding the death, won’t help heal you. Every day you have to check in with yourself. Allow yourself to cry and to feel terrible. You don’t have to hide your feelings, but you do have to find places where you can appropriately express them. Some of those places are with a friend who will listen and give you hugs and companionship. A relative can also offer that support. You can find support groups for bereaved parents of deceased children. Start with your local hospital and ask for help there. There are chat groups, counselors, clergy and medical doctors — all of whom can offer you support. But you have to ask for it.

Inappropriate places to express your grief are your office place or with people who are not able, for whatever reason, to hear your problems or to help you with them. Sometimes it takes their bad behavior or advice for you to realize that they aren’t really bad people — they just aren’t capable or prepared at this moment, to help you or hear from you on this subject.

Sometimes your fiance will be a place for you to share your feelings of sadness, loss and even guilt over what happened with your daughter, but she shouldn’t be the only place you go for support. The reason is that she is processing her own feelings, and therefore, she wants to be intimate with you, but she can’t be your only and whole support at this time. It’s too much for her.

At the same time, you can’t be the only support she has. It’s too much for you. Fighting will break out easily if either one of you is pushed too far emotionally by each other or someone or some thought about your daughter. So try and be kind, gentle and understanding of each other at this time. If she starts to pick a fight with you, and you can’t diffuse the fight, walk away. Come back later and hug her and tell her you love her, but try not to fight with her.

I don’t know the circumstances of your daughter’s death, but there is a great, old movie called Ordinary People, that you might want to watch. It will be painful, but it might give you insight into another story of a family rocked by the death of a child. You may recognize behavior, and you may see dynamics that you want to avoid or behavior you want to change in yourself. Marriages and families break apart over this kind of stress, so be kind to yourself and each other.

[Member]

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