[April Masini, your AskApril]

The burden to win her over is entirely on you. In fact, be prepared to have screwed up badly enough that you’ve lost her for good. Telling her that when you had sex with her you always thought of other women is pretty despicable. It’s hard to believe you’ve changed that much in such a short period of time without some drastic event happening to you. In fact, if you try to ration that she liked you for two weeks, before you did all the bad stuff, you still have a shot, I’m thinking you’re not empathizing with what it was like for her to hear you tell her that sex with her involved you fantasizing another woman. That’s pretty bad and very hurtful.

I think what would help is not just to acknowledge any changes you’ve made but to acknowledge and empathize with how badly you hurt her. You have some major apologizing to do. And with any apology, the recipient does not have to accept.

So if you can get through the apology, and you still have her ear, I would treat her like the princess you want her to be. If she truly is perfect, you should start with a dozen roses and work upward from there. That’s the price for the bad behavior in the past — if she chooses to buy in.

Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Some of the ways that a person shows commitment are introducing their boyfriend to their family and friends. Another way is be supportive of his social life or club and hobby commitments. For instance, if his friends get together with their girlfriends and/or wives or just as a group, your going with even if it’s not your favorite thing to do, will show a commitment. And vice verse — if you bring him along to your regular social events that shows you want him in that part of your life. Spending holidays together shows commitment, as do being there for each other for regular dates and phone calls. Some people in a relationship are more needy of communication during the day than others, so meeting his needs there would show a commitment. If he’s sick and you help out by either sitting with him, bringing him soup and aspirin or taking him to the doctor, that shows a commitment. Helping out if he’s swamped by taking on some of his chores, like getting the tires realigned on his car if he’s crazed at work and can’t make it, or picking up milk for his apartment because he didn’t get a chance, or dropping off his dry cleaning for him, all show commitment.

Then, of course there are more basic levels of commitment which are affection, kindness and interest in his life. And the little extras — like love notes, little gifts, making his birthday special — these are all ways to show someone in your life you’re committed to making sure they have your best self and attention.

If you’re doing all that, and he’s still saying he doesn’t see the commitment, he may be conjuring up an excuse to end the relationship. The only reason I mention this is that you said the relationship has been up and down for two years, so if you’re focused on the ups, and he’s focused on the downs, he may not be interested in moving forward and wants out. But that’s just a head’s up in case all of the above are already crossed off your list.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s very sweet that you have a life plan. In fact, knowing what you want is a great idea at any age, so I commend you for that.

But….what you need to understand now that you are a legal adult because of your age, is that you have the opportunity and the responsibility to yourself to experience real life situations and test out your life plan and your dreams in real life before committing. It’s great to be compatible with someone online and have an online relationship, but online dating, in person dating and marriage are very different, and you’ll learn a lot about other people and yourself as you get out in the world and experience different things.

For instance, you may find that your plan needs “tweaking” when you meet someone in real life who you want to date, other than your online guy. In fact, the same could happen to him. After dating him for a while you may find out things about his past that he hasn’t revealed to you yet. They may change your mind about spending your life with him. You may find that having a job is really exciting to you and earning your own money makes you feel good, and that you’d like to have a job or a career before or while you’re married. In fact, you may prefer to have a job so you can pay a cleaning person to do the housewife chores for you! Or, you may just be a committed and fulfilled housewife, and there’s nothing wrong with that as long as you and your husband agree that’s the best thing for your marriage.

So have your plan, but be prepared for things to change, and for you to make adjustments and roll with the punches and the surprises that life is certain to throw your way.

Your idea that love can come as a marriage grows is a half-good idea. Love does come and go, and it changes shape and there are phases to love and commitment in a marriage. Excitement wanes, and it takes work to keep things fresh in the marriage. But it’s a good idea to have relationship building blocks when you chose a mate. In other words, choose a man you can respect, and who respects you. This is a really good basic quality to look for in a partner. It helps love grow. If you don’t respect someone, you’ll never love them. You’ll maybe lust for them, but it won’t be mature love. Character is very important in a person during a long term marriage or relationship in which love grows, too. Mutual goals for the future are important to foster love’s growth, and family compatibility is also a potential source of support — or chaos. Many couples split up because their family doesn’t approve of their spouse — and this happens to 20 year olds, 30 years olds, 40 year olds and 50 year olds. Age doesn’t always make a person mature and it doesn’t change the fact that if his family doesn’t like you and doesn’t want you in the family you’re in for a bumpy ride.

As for predators and serial killers online, of course this is the stuff of television movies, BUT, it does happen in real life, and when you don’t know a person’s friends, family, workplace, neighbors or have mutual friends in common, you always run a safety risk. And just because he isn’t pressuring you to have sex now, doesn’t mean he won’t at some time in the future. So hope for the best, but prepare for the worst, and chances are your lot will fall somewhere in between.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very happy for you!

My best advice now is for you to buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man. It’s only $15, and you can order it online (Barnes and Noble no longer carries it.) by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scrolling down to Think & Date LIke A Man, and ordering it right there online.

The book will help you figure out what you want in a relationship and a man, how to be the woman that gets that man, and how to know if a guy is into you because of how he behaves. It will definitely help you through this new relationship. If you read a chapter a week, and mull it over, you’ll be in great shape for a great, romantic relationship — which it sounds like you’re starting now.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You were right. He was just using you for a booty call. He was hoping he could get you to have sex with him, and after a couple of tries, he realized you weren’t ready or willing to have sex, and moved on. He didn’t want to wait. He’s not interested in you as just a friend or as a romantic partner to have a long term relationship with. He’s just looking for someone fun and easy. Emphasis on easy.

One of my big dating rules is don’t chase guys, and the reason I say this is not for any moral principle or value judgment. It’s because you can tell which guys want to go the distance for you and will be there for you through thick and thin when they go out of their way to chase you, ask you out, take you out, and treat you like a girlfriend, not a booty call. Not chasing guys (not calling them or texting them first) helps you weed out the boyfriend material from the booty call candidates.

Your first clue that this guy wasn’t boyfriend material was when he called you and texted you to get together on Friday and Saturday nights only. And I bet you weren’t his first or last call on those nights. A real potential boyfriend will ask you out a couple of nights before the date, if not a week before. He’s respectful of your schedule, and he wants to show you that this isn’t just a slap dash date — it means something to him — enough to plan it in advance.

Your second clue that this guy wasn’t boyfriend material was when he didn’t call you for a week after making out with you. In fact, you’re the one who texted him after that make out session! (Mistake.)

Clue number three was that between the end of junior year and now, he could have contacted you if he truly wanted to take you out. Even if he was away over the summer, he could have called you a week before school started, thinking he’d like to see you. But he didn’t. You texted him. (Mistake, again.)

Now that school is starting up again, try this rule of not chasing guys and see how it works for you. Let me know!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t know if Barnes and Noble is still carrying my book, but it’s always available for purchase online. Please let me know if the book helps you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It seems that you’ve posted a form of this question twice, and I’ve answered it in length under your heading: Need a Mediator, so you can click on that question to see my in depth answer.

In short, you have a right to your feelings, but you don’t have any standing in the relationship since you’re just the boyfriend. If you get engaged or marry this woman, then it would make sense that she shouldn’t visit her ex boyfriend’s parents and possibly see him, too, on the trip. But she has every right to play the field, just as you do.

And I’d suggest you come up with another nickname for her child to call you. “Dad” is not appropriate for a five year old to call mom’s boyfriend. Sorry. Explain to the little girl that you’re not her daddy, but you’re her mommy’s good friend, and she can call you by your first name, just like mommy does.

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your guy doesn’t call you, he’s not interested in you. So you need to move on in your life and find a man who is interested in you, and who treats you well.

Don’t call your guy any more. If he wants you, he knows your number. And if you’re smart, you won’t go out with him again. After all, why would you want to waste your time with someone who thinks so little of you he won’t return your calls?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should buy my book online, not in the bookstore. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link, above, and scroll down until you see the book and order it there. Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Abortion is very profound, and even people who think that they can be blase about it are affected by it for the rest of their lives. Clearly, it was your choice to exercise your right to an abortion, but even being pro-choice, you still are suffering from the loss.

It’s good that you told your now ex-husband, about the pregnancy and abortion, because it’s important to be truthful and open about something that affects you so deeply and that affected him, too. I think that if you continue to talk about it to people who have been through similar situations, you may find some relief, some peace, and some new friends.

Continue to go to church — even if all you do there is cry. Eventually, the crying will stop, and you will be quiet enough to hear your own thoughts and your heart.

Be in contact with your physician regularly so that you can have your medications monitored. Be open and honest with your doctor so that he or she can adjust your prescriptions according to your symptoms. With depression, there isn’t a blood test or some quantitative test to measure your problems. You have to self report, so make sure you tell your doctor everything to get the best help.

Go back to school, study hard, get a job. Stop looking for someone to fix you or complete you. You have to take care of yourself, as a grown woman. Only then, will you be able to have a loving and peaceful relationship with a man. And I told you before, but I’ll tell you again — get my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scroll down, and purchase the book. It’s only $15, and will save you time, money and heartache in the future. Read it, and then let me know what you think about your situation AFTER you’ve read the book.

You can help yourself — but only if stop moping and pick yourself up and do the work that is required for you to live a healthy life. You can do it. Blow your nose, dry your tears, get a job in a hospital where you can help people with problems other than your own, and learn not to dwell on your own problems, and move on with your life, alone for now.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Why do you want someone who doesn’t want you?

When someone rejects you they’re really doing you a big favor. They’re letting you know where you stand so that you can move on, not waste time, and start looking for men who want to be with you and are possibly your Mr. Right. So don’t worry about the rejection, but do pay attention to it. If someone tells you no, and you ignore it, they have every right to think you’re creeping around after them. So quit it. I’m sure you don’t want to be perceived as a stalker.

What might really help you is understanding that men want to be the ones who pursue women. When you start doing the asking out, you take that opportunity away from them. What they really want is to chase you and win you. If you can understand that and accept it, you’ll know that flirting is great, and making yourself attractive and alluring is even better, but asking a man out isn’t.

Check out my book, Think & Date Like A Man, for more advice like this. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link above, and scroll down until you see the book and order it online.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Yes. Your boyfriend is a loser. He doesn’t deserve you. But that’s not all. When you dropped out of college in spite of close to a quarter million dollars in scholarship money awards, you joined him. Now you’ve realized your mistake, and it’s time to correct that. I can help you, but you have to be strong.

I need you to understand 2 dating rules. The first is that women should not chase men. Big mistake. Gigantic. It never works when they do. So after you break up with this guy (sorry, but that’s part of my prescription for getting you back on track), you may not chase another man again. The good guys want to be “the man” in the relationship, and they want to chase “the prize” and win it. That prize is you, my dear. If you follow this rule, you will weed out all the men who don’t want you enough to win you over.

Second, you may think you love him, but regardless of what he says, he doesn’t act like he loves you. When a man loves you, he will want the best for you, as well as for himself. There is no way you were going to be happy moving in with him, and becoming his sugar mama as well as his surrogate mother, cleaning up after him. He knew that deep down, but invited you to move in with him anyway. You were blinded by feelings and forgot to use that brain that got you all that scholarship money to realize the discrepancy between what your boyfriend said and what he did. And when you say you love him, what is it you love about a man who won’t get a job, lift a finger to help out around the house, and lets his girlfriend give up a college education to support him?? Is this really who you want to spend the rest of your life with and have him father your children? I don’t think you should spend another five seconds with this guy based on the way he’s treated you.

So, learn those 2 rules: don’t chase men and learn what love looks like.

Now, you have to contact your school on Monday, and tell the admissions officer what a mistake you made, what you’ve learned, and that you want to go back to school and enroll full time. As soon as you get the go ahead, you pack up, and get back to school. Hopefully, it’s not too late for you to enroll in this semester. And if it is too late, get back on campus, do intern or volunteer work until you can enroll at the start of the following semester.

No excuses. Do it.

Find housing, preferably on campus and make a bunch of good women friends. You’re going to need female support to get through the break up and the big move back to school. After you’re settled, you are required to click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page and order my book, Think & Date Like A Man, and read it! In fact, read it aloud with your new roommates. Start a book club and make your friends get the book and read it with you…and discuss! You need to understand and learn what you want from a man, from a relationship and yourself, and then you have to learn how to execute your dating life so that you get what you want and don’t end up with another loser boyfriend.

I want you to finish college in four years, and make that your main goal. And I want you to check in with me as you start dating other men, and ask me for advice along the way. I want to make sure you stay on track. Don’t cut off from your family and friends again.

As for your boyfriend, if you think you’re still in love with him, you can take his calls, but don’t initiate any. Not one. You can take his texts, but wait a day to text him back, and only one text a day. If he wants to visit you, that’s fine — but [i]only[/i] after he’s repaid you and your parents in full for all the money he’s borrowed, and the checks have cleared. (What on earth possessed your parents to lend him money?? I’m stumped by that one.) And if he does, by some miracle, pay you and your parents back, then, and only then, he may visit you, but you are not to put him up. He can pay for a hotel room. And don’t “hang out” with him — only agree to see him if he takes you on a proper date. And he pays, not you. If he wants you, he’s going to have to do some changing, and I’m guessing he doesn’t want you enough to make those changes. And if you don’t believe me, try it, and see if he’ll actually get a job, initiate the calls and visits without you enabling him.

You made a mistake by dropping out of school and moving in with him. Now fix the mistake. You [i]can[/i] do it. We all make mistakes, but what we do next is what makes losers big winners. Be a winner. You’ve got it in you. I know it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I know you don’t want to sadden this woman by moving on, or having her see you with other women, but the reality is you don’t have the power to “fix” her feelings, and her feelings aren’t really your business. Sorry for being harsh, but so many people think that they’re being nice by making someone feel good, only to later find that they’ve been dishonest and in the long run, they’ve hurt the person by “being nice” and complicated things creating drama, when really what would have been more honest and helpful is to be clear up front about what you want.

Pain is part of life, and once you realize that everybody experiences it, and everybody gets dumped and does some dumping themselves, and we all live through it, you’ll be a lot better off as a partner in a relationship. If [i]you[/i] want to date other women who [i]want[/i] to be with you so that [i]you[/i] can feel good, you’re being honest. And that’s always best for everyone in your life. This other woman will either like you more and start showing you the behavior that you’ve been looking for, or you’ll find out she just doesn’t care about you that much. Either way, you win, because you get to move forward in your life without being stuck in a rut!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Everybody’s got something. I get lots of e-mails from readers who are concerned about how a date will react to their: (Choose one of the following) a) Small chest, b) height, c) weight, d) big nose, e) ethnicity, f) religion — and the list goes on. So the more you date, the more you’re going to realize that your hearing loss is just your thing, and your date is going to have her thing she’s uncomfortable about, too.

In order to alleviate your anxiety about what a date who meets you on line before meeting in person will think of your hearing aid, the easiest way to solve that problem is disclose the information up front! I’d disclose it to an online potential date the same way you did in your e-mail to me. Tell them all your assets, and mention that you wear a hearing aid for an audio loss, but that you don’t sign, you function just fine, but if she ever complains that as a boyfriend you don’t listen to her, it may be because you didn’t hear her!

When you hide something from someone, and you’re basically an honest person, you’re going to have feelings of anxiety until the hidden information is disclosed, so solve your problem simply, by mentioning it, honestly, up front.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I have two parts to my answer to your question. The first has to do with what women find attractive. You may have noticed that lots of women flock to men who are “bad boys” or the kind of men who don’t treat women all that well. In other words, good guys finish last. It’s true.

If this woman you want isn’t interested in you, it may be because you’re too easy to get! If you stop being so available to her, and don’t give her so much attention, she may find you more interesting and desirable. If she sees that other women want you, and you’re interested in other women more than you are her, she may think there’s something she’s missing when she passed you over for your friend, and this may bother her enough to seek you out.

However, the other part of my answer is that if she’s just not interested in you, then by making that clear, she’s done you a favor. Thank goodness you haven’t wasted much time on someone who’s not interested in you. Sometimes I hear from people who’ve invested an entire year in someone who just never intended to be with them as anything more than a friend with benefits at best. Broken hearts ensue.

In order to meet someone fabulous for you, you have to play what I call The Numbers Game, which means you have to increase your odds in dating. The more women you consider and date, the more likely you are to find someone who is right for you and thinks you’re as great as you think she is. Getting up to bat is more important than hitting that home run. Not every batter who gets up to bat hits a home run — in fact the best home run hitters only make that grand slam rarely, but when they do, oh boy, is it great.

So if she’s not the one, silently thank her for making it clear, and move on to someone who might be.

[Member]

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