[April Masini, your AskApril]

The way to live with a clear mind is to continue to be honest, as you have in your last post, and to focus on the future, not the past.

You are not alone in your financial problems. But you have to find a way to move forward out of your rut. Focus all your energy on finding a job — even if it’s working in a fast food joint or a coffee shop. Some chain restaurants and coffee shops actually offer health insurance with employment, even if it’s minimum wage. So, don’t stop looking for a job, and don’t rest until you have one.

Let go of your current standard of living. Find roommates that you can move in with. I know that this is a big change for you, but it is a way out of your current living situation and a way into the future. You have to build a bridge out, and you’re not starting with nothing. You can type. You’re smart. You can get some kind of job — even babysitting.

If you do what I’ve suggested, you’ll make friends at your new job, on your job search and with your new roommates. And if you haven’t met the new friends you need, join support groups for single women.

File for divorce, and once you’re single, employed, and working, you’ll be ready to start dating. Only this time around, choose wisely with what you now know about yourself and men.

Remember: you don’t have to be a victim.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can help you address your question about why you feel guilty for certain things. I think you feel guilty about breaking up with your boyfriend because you have the mistaken idea that you have the power to help and take care of him. Some people, and they are usually women, think that they are powerful enough to help everyone with every problem. They take in homeless, drug addicts, alcoholics, people with anger issues, drama queens and kings and others who need help. They try to help them, and end up feeling guilty when they realize that they can’t help these people. They feel like they’ve failed in their ability to fix the problems. What they — and you don’t realize — is that you never had the power to help this other person fix their problem/s to begin with! Your boyfriend has anger issues that have nothing to do with you. You are just the catalyst for this round of anger. Before you there was someone else, and after you there will be someone else. If you can understand that you can’t help your boyfriend, then you will be able to let go of the guilt you feel because you didn’t help him.

You feel badly about the break up because he doesn’t want it. Well, that’s not your problem. I’m sorry to sound callous, but you can’t help him with his feelings about your having broken up with him. In fact, if he feels badly enough from the break up, only then might he consider that he had some part in it, and consider what about himself (his anger) he might want to change so the next woman won’t break up with him for the same reasons. So by hurting him with the break up, and taking care of yourself, you’re actually helping him.

This is a really basic dynamic. Parents hate to say no to their children because they hate to hurt someone they love so much, but without that all important, “No,” and the tears and tantrums that follow, children grow up without knowing boundaries and social rules. Somewhere along the line, your boyfriend never learned that his temper is unacceptable in certain social situations. You’re having to say that simple, “No,” by breaking up with him, and he’s having the hurt feelings as a result.

If you can understand, like the good parent who tells their child no early on, that there are certain behaviors that are not acceptable, then you’ll know that it’s not your responsibility to make him feel good and proliferate his bad behavior in the mix. You have to do what is right for you, as a member of society. Breaking up with someone is a form of “No.”

You can start feeling better about the rest of your life by saying no to other people around you. If you are divorced, depressed and unemployed, the last thing you should be doing is taking care of your bipolar, alcoholic adult brother, your overworked mother who was abandoned by her husband, and your sick grandmother. In addition to this last boyfriend who had a slew of problems. You don’t have the resources to take care of all these people, and it’s no wonder you’re depressed. You’re a 100 pound weakling who’s trying to push a giant boulder up a mountain. You can’t do it. You’re setting yourself up for failure. You don’t need medication for depression. You just need to change your behavior.

So, stop taking care of everyone else. If you’re in an airplane, and it’s going down in a crash, the airline suggests you put your oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your children. That’s not cruel — it’s smart. Unless you’re getting enough oxygen, you can’t help anyone you love. So use that lesson on yourself, now.

You need to take care of yourself, and yourself only. This is going to feel selfish, but if you truly understand that taking care of yourself will better allow you to take care of others, with a clear mind, you’ll barrel through your feelings of guilt and do the right thing. Don’t deplete your own energy — take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally and get a good job. Move into your own apartment, and maintain your own sanity. After six months to a year of this, then you can start doing nice things for your mother — who I’m guessing will see your example, and follow your lead in taking care of herself.

When you decide to be generous with your time, your heart and your money, choose people and places that will accept your help and use it well. If your brother is a bipolar alcoholic, you can’t help him. He needs medical help for the bipolar condition and he needs a program for his alcoholic disease, and only after he’s helped himself can he truly accept your help, so don’t give it, until he’s helped himself.

That doesn’t mean you can’t be polite and kind, but don’t waste your energy on people who suck it out of you and leave you so depleted you can’t grace the world with your smile and your unique gifts.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I didn’t realize that the boyfriend was NOT your girlfriend’s daughter’s father. That is different, and the advice I would give in this situation is [i]not[/i] the same as above.

Since your girlfriend, it now seems, is visiting an ex-boyfriend’s parents in Texas, with her five year old daughter, and probably the ex-boyfriend who lives in the area, too, it doesn’t sound like a trip she necessarily should make unless she’s interested in getting back together with the boyfriend there, and if that’s the case, she probably shouldn’t visit with her child. These are just family friends, in this case, and not blood relatives of the little girl. Very different scenario.

My guess is that your radar picks up a possible romantic reunion between your girlfriend and her ex that’s going to be nurtured by his parents. And complications since the child is going to be there, too. It’s going to be like a big, faux family. And you’re going to be left out. You’re right to be nervous. And, no, you’re not crazy to feel uncomfortable. Your relationship is at risk if she goes.

And…you’re probably right that the child shouldn’t be dragged back into this potential dating situation but the reality is that this isn’t your business as the boyfriend. Again, if you were the fiance or the father, you would have more of a say in this scenario. And if you intend to marry your girlfriend, you don’t necessarily need jewelry to do it.

If you need to make more money in order to be the husband you want to be, get a second job, or a better first one. An engagement ring doesn’t have to be a big, shiny rock — it can be a beautiful pair of elegant diamond chip earrings, with a bigger, better present on each anniversary. Instead of a ring, the engagement present can be a downpayment on a starter home or a condo — or even a lease on an apartment for the three of you. An engagement gift of a ring is a lovely tradition, but it doesn’t have to be the only way to do things.

In other words, if you’ve been dating this woman for a year, decide whether you want to marry her or not, and do one or the other. If you’re just her boyfriend, she has every right to play the field in whatever way she does it. It’s easy to sit here and pass judgment on a single mother’s dating habits, but a lot harder to walk in her shoes. If you want to be the husband and stepfather, step up to the plate and do it. At that point you have every right to ask her not to go on the trip or to accompany her yourself, as a family member.

Hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not overreacting. You’re right that at 25 and 34 you should both be able to express your emotions to each other especially if you’re dating monogamously and meeting his parents. In fact, while you have trouble saying, “I love you,”, you are clearly very articulate as evidenced in the post you wrote me. So, yes, something is wrong that you are both stunted in your ability to say, “I love you.” But….is it something you can overcome? You bet.

The reason I say this is because it is very clear to me from what you describe that the two of you do love and respect each other. It sounds like there’s something else going on. At 25 years old, with five months of monogamous dating this guy under your belt, you’re wanting to know where the relationship is going. That’s, perhaps, why you’re so concerned about whether or not your boyfriend loves you. You really want to know if he loves you [i]enough[/i] to marry you. In fact, you probably already know he does love you, and the real question you have is: Is he going to propose marriage to me or is he going to string me along for a decade like all his friends do with their girlfriends?

You mention that his friends all date monogamously for years on end without formal commitment, and without saying so, I trust that’s not your cup of tea. You want the whole fairy tale. You don’t have to be ashamed of what you want. It’s good that you’re aware enough of it to write me with this issue.

I always suggest to my readers that in relationships, actions speak louder than words. While both of you have trouble with formal declarations of love, you behave as if you love each other, so until one of you can actually say, “I love you,” (You’re only one word away!), know that he’s treating you like a girlfriend.

That said, it’s up to you to accept who he is and to take responsibility for what you want. Did you hear that? I’m going to write it again: IT’S UP TO YOU TO ACCEPT WHO HE IS AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR WHAT YOU WANT.

If he is not interested in marriage and children, as I suspect you are, it is your job as a single woman (yes — just because you’re dating him doesn’t mean you’re not still a single woman) to find out who it is you’re dating and what they want in life. That’s part of the dating process. Don’t get sloppy and lull yourself into a false state of security just because you have someone to date on the weekends. Stay on your toes and figure out if the two of you have the same goals. If you do, then saying I love you will come. He’s already acting the part. If you don’t have the same goal in mind, then he may be withholding “I love you” as his way of protecting himself from feeling that he’s led you on. He probably knows you want a traditional lifestyle rather than the living together lifestyles his friends all have. He may be waiting for you to ask him whether he’d ever consider marriage, at which point he can say to himself, I never said ‘I love you,’ to her, where did she get the idea I’d marry her? She knows my friends and I don’t marry.” That way he can blame you for not ‘getting the picture.’

So…my advice to you is that at this entirely appropriate juncture in your relationship, you find a way to figure out if he’s going on the same path you want to go on, and if not, cut bait and swim away. If he is, then you’ll probably relax into the relationship and be able to utter that last missing word you can’t quite muster up in that precious sentence: I love you. And so will he.

But until you do that, all your mutual stress about where the relationship is going, is being projected on that sentence: I love you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you really want to let the past go, then you should divorce your husband and be alone for at least a year. For as long as you’ve been in a relationship with your husband — dating and married — he’s been cheating on you off and on, with the same woman, and possibly others. Your flashing red light to break up with him should have been when he slept with this woman after he proposed marriage to you.

There are (at least) three of you in this marriage. For some reason, you accept the drama and add to it. If you continue your life with your husband, you’re going to have the same dynamic over and over and over. There will never be just two of you in the relationship for very long.

I’m not sure why it’s so hard for you to accept who he is, but you’ve ignored his true colors for years now. In fact, you’ve made it okay for him to cheat on you over and over. He’s learned that you are someone he can cheat on and still have.

Don’t waste any more time. Nine years with this guy is beyond enough. Get divorced as quickly as possible. Don’t let the divorce fester. Complete it. Then don’t date for a while. And DON’T be friends with this guy after you divorce. Don’t see him again. Focus on yourself. You really need to figure out what it is about yourself that makes you feel you don’t deserve a prince on a white horse who will treat you with respect and love (a man who loves you won’t propose marriage then sleep with someone else).

If you don’t do what I advise, you’re going to have to deal with more and greater misery and complications. I sincerely doubt that in your heart this is what you want. Nurture yourself, as a single woman, until you understand that you are worthy of the best that a good man can give you. Then start dating again — slowly. And if after six months, you feel that a man isn’t husband material, move on. I would hate to see you waste another 9 years with someone who’s far from Mr. Right.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You never mentioned whether or not the ex-boyfriend is the father of your girlfriend’s child. That makes a big difference. You said that the little girl is 5 and your girlfriend was with her ex for 2 years, so I’m going to assume that he is the father, and that they’ve been split up for 3 years. I trust you’ll correct me if that’s not right.

It sounds like your girlfriend wants to bring her daughter to visit the child’s grandma and grandpa in Texas where her ex, who is also her daughter’s father lives. The grandparents are offering to pay the plane fare and you’re jealous because you don’t have a standing in this family.

Since you’re not engaged or married to your girlfriend, she has every right to take her daughter to visit the grandparents. In fact, she’s actually being responsible by keeping her daughter’s relationships with the little girl’s family alive. Like it or not, the little girl has a father and grandparents who live in Texas. It’s important for her to know her family regardless of whether they’re divorced, never married and split up, or some other machination. Family is family and in today’s world, it doesn’t always look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

I know you think it’s nice that the little girl is calling you Dad, but while it makes you feel good, it’s misleading to the child. If you want to marry her mother and become her stepfather or adopt her as your own, then that would be the time for her to call you Dad. It is wildly inappropriate for her to call her mother’s boyfriend, Dad, however. For now, your first name, or some other pet name is all that’s appropriate for your girlfriend’s five year old daughter to call you.

Until you’re ready to get engaged or married, I’m afraid the appropriate place for you to be is at home, while your girlfriend takes her daughter to visit her dad and grandparents in Texas. If you decide to get engaged or married, then it would be appropriate for you to go with on the trip.

Figure out what you want from this relationship. When you date a single mother, the scenarios are more complicated than when you date a woman without children.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you are dating this girl, and after about a year of online meeting, and about six in person get-togethers with her friends, she’s not as into you as you are into her. Well, that’s the what dating is all about! You get to meet and spend time with young women who you think might be Ms. Right for you. If they aren’t, you try someone else. If they are, well, then lucky you!

It’s hard to feel that someone doesn’t share your feelings, but that’s the way relationships work. Sometimes they work out beautifully, but more often than not, they become an experience where you learn what you didn’t like about the woman, what she didn’t like about you, and you use what you learned — on the next date or relationship!

I always tell people that dating is a numbers game. You have to get out there and try spending time with lots of different women in order to find one that is right for you and vice versa. When someone isn’t right for you, count your blessings that you only spent a couple of months (or weeks) figuring it out. Rejection can be a gift because why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? The rejection is a time saver.

So, my advice to you is to consider and date other women while you’re waiting for this woman to decide whether she likes you enough to date you, or just date other women instead of waiting any longer for this woman to like you enough to date you. If she’s telling you she isn’t sure in her thoughts, that’s her business. But [i]you’re[/i] not that kind of person. You are sure in your thoughts, and you’d probably be a lot happier with someone else who is as well. Don’t try to fantasize the situation into something it isn’t. If she isn’t sure she likes you, find someone who does.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

When you wrote me asking “Do I have to prove myself again?” I realized how much you need my book, Think & Date Like A Man. Buy it! Read it! You need to inherently understand that you are the prize in the relationship, as the woman. If you don’t see yourself as the one to be chased and won over, he certainly won’t. You should never feel you have to prove yourself to him.

As far as the relationship being wobbly since he’s taken the lead, remember that you broke up with him in the first place because of the distance between the two of you. Two hours seemed to be a handicap back then, and it probably still seems to now. So that challenge hasn’t disappeared. In fact, it sounds like since he’s now working two jobs and having financial troubles, he’s got a lot on his plate. A long distance relationship is certainly not the easiest one for him to juggle right now, and his jobs and finances are a priority, as they should be.

In my book, you’ll learn in depth about how men commit when they’re ready to commit and the way you can tell that they’re ready to commit is that they’re at a certain place in their lives where they are feeling accomplished and settled enough to be [i]able to[/i] engage in a relationship. Your man is still juggling the facets of his life that he needs to get in place in order to be with you in the way you want him to. If you try to force him into a place he isn’t, you’ll end up frustrated. So sit back and look at the whole picture.

Be the woman in the relationship — not the guy. Let him text you and ask you out on dates on his agenda. He’s doing the best he can, and if it’s not good enough for you at this time, that’s perfectly fine — but don’t try to fantasize him into someone he’s not, or the relationship into something it’s not.

Focus on yourself. Read the book, which you can purchase by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page and scrolling down to Think & Date Like A Man, and understand yourself, and what you’re truly looking for in a man and a relationship, and learn how to get it. But you have to be honest with yourself and be willing to look at what’s happening.

This guy is into you, but right now, he has other priorities that he needs to take care of first to be able to be the man he wants to be in the relationship. This is the best he can offer right now. You have the choice to take it or leave it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your friend is very, very sick, and may die. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but you need to understand reality. There are very few old heroin addicts because if they don’t clean up, they die. The drug is extremely dangerous, and your friend is on a difficult path that you can’t help her with. In fact, the best thing you can do for her is to tell her that you will see her when she’s been clean for a year.

My advice to you, and I know that this is going to be hard advice for you to hear or follow, is to take care of yourself. Drug addiction is extremely difficult, and the most important thing you can do is to take care of yourself. Don’t hang out with anyone who is using. Take yourself out of this drama. No good will come of it.

Your friend is an adult, and ultimately, has to take responsibility for herself. Anyone who supports her doing anything except being in a rehab center, is enabling her. She may or may not be capable of getting clean, but there is nothing you can do about it. The choice is ultimately hers.

You stay clean. You live a healthy life. And you stop enabling people you can’t help. If you follow this advice, and I know it’s hard, you will find love and you will live a healthy life.

Good luck.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

The best way to get my advice directly is to ask your questions in the Relationship Advice Forum. Just click on Relationship Forums at the top of this page, then click on Relationship Advice Forum.

I actually answered your question at length in that forum, so check out my answer there!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction of this guy. He is so wrong for you! In fact, he’s even telling you what to do, and you’re ignoring it. If you stay with this guy, a life of misery will be yours.

Facts clearly point out he’s not financially stable, he doesn’t feel he needs to get a car since you have one, he’s probably an alcoholic, he’s not taking care of his children if he can’t even get his son to the dentist — and you want part of this? Why??

In fact, what is of more concern is that you would even consider having a child with this guy who can’t take care of his own children, you, his ex-wife — or himself.

Pick your self esteem up off the floor, or wherever you left it, and start thinking about yourself. If you can’t see you deserve a man with a job who wants to take care of himself, you and his future family, then click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scroll down to my book called Think & Date Like A Man, and buy it. Then read it. Over and over, until you understand that you are important, and you deserve love, respect, and security in life, and so does your family — whether it’s your future husband, your children, or their children down the line. But it all starts with you. Until you understand how to take care of yourself, it’s going to be very difficult for you to take care of anyone else. But it’s crucial that you learn — and worth it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You have to do what is right for you. No one else.

If your having cheated is making it impossible for you to be with your boyfriend, then understand that, and tell him about the affair. If the differences between the two of you make it impossible for you to be together, then accept that, and move on. If you do not have the strength to be with someone who’s parents don’t approve of you, then recognize that about yourself, and move on.

The problems you are having are not really about your boyfriend. They are about you. Your boyfriend is just the mirror for who you are. If you feel that you are not good enough, and you’ve chosen your boyfriend to prove that to yourself, then you are never going to feel at peace.

I’m a little worried that you said something about below about throwing yourself off a building if your boyfriend found out you had cheated. If you have [i]any[/i] suicidal thoughts, you need to get some professional help or tell a family member or loved one so that they can get you some help.

If, however, you were just being dramatic, my suggestion is to focus not on your boyfriend, but on yourself. Act on what you believe. If you believe long distance relationships aren’t right for you, then don’t get into one. If you believe that having a rich boyfriend when you’re poor isn’t right for you, then don’t date a rich guy. In other words, don’t confuse yourself. Know yourself. Know what you want in a man, and act on it.

If you gain some more self esteem, what you’ll come to realize is that people from different social classes, economic groups and races can love each other and make lives together that are successful and romantic. But if you think you don’t deserve happiness and love, then, sadly, you’ll set yourself up not to get it.

You might benefit from my book, Think & Date Like A Man, that you can get by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scrolling down, and ordering Think & Date Like A Man, there. It will help you figure out what you want in a man, what you deserve in a relationship, and how to get it. The chapters are easy to read, and if you read one chapter a day or a week, within a few weeks, you’ll be on the road to great relationships.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you need my book, Date Out of Your League. Click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scroll down, and order Date Out of Your League. I’m going to give you advice for this specific question you’ve asked me, but reading my book is going to help you as you get back into the dating game, since you have so many questions. It’s a great $15 investment, and it’s a quick read, so get the book.

Now, in terms of this woman who gave you her number — she couldn’t have made it more clear that she wants to go out with you. When a woman gives you her phone number, it means she wants you to ask her out on a date. So, you’re in luck. You like her, she likes you — now be the guy.

Call her up and invite her out for dinner. Pick a place, a date and a time, so there is no confusion about whether this is a date or just hanging out. Show up at her place on time, looking and smelling great. If you really want to make a nice impression, bring her some flowers. A rose works. So do a dozen, depending on your budget. Trust me — either one will knock her out (in a good way). Enjoy a leisurely dinner at a romantic restaurant, and get to know her over the hour or two you spend there. Take her home, kiss her at the door, if you’re so inclined, and leave.

If you had a great time, call her a day or two or three later, and ask her out again, this time to do something different. It can be a movie or theatre, miniature golf or the art museum. Take it slow, be the man always, and before you know it, you’ll be back in the game.

But do read my book so you can reassure yourself that you’re doing the right things, as you get back in the game.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure how old you are, but since you’re completing college, I’m guessing you’re in your early 20s. Given that’s your age, you should really be easier on yourself about your feelings. This is a great time for you to figure out what makes you feel good, secure, happy, sexual — in other words, this is a great time in your life to experiment with relationships so you know who and what you want in a long-term, monogamous relationship.

I imagine that having been with your boyfriend for four years makes it difficult date other people, but having moved away to a different city or state to complete college sets you up for new experiences. No wonder you’re torn! And it’s understandable that you feel jealous and insecure about your boyfriend back home being with other women. The two of you are both young, not engaged, and unsure of the future together.

My advice to you is to make a deal with yourself. Decide if you’d like to try dating — and my advice is to try it, given your age. Next understand that you’re not married or even engaged to your boyfriend back home. You have an emotional commitment to each other, but you really have to either make an overt pact that you’re going to see how things go dating other people while you’re away at school and he’s back home, or you’re going to do it covertly. In other words, either adopt a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy, make a clear policy that you’re both going to date, or be loyal and faithful to each other long distance. Other than those three options, you’re going to be confused and confusing.

If you’re having feelings for another single guy, and you’re not committed to your boyfriend of 4 years, I’d say go for it, and continue to be vital and vibrant in your dating life, as you are in all other facets of your life.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What you’re describing in your relationship is a problem I come across a lot with other women. They don’t want to accept what their man is telling them or the way he is behaving. They look for reasons that he’s wrong, or ways for him to change. If I could tell all the women like yourself who write me with this problem one thing, it would be: Listen to your man and pay attention to what he’s doing.

It’s often women who say that their man is not listening to them or not paying attention to them, but that’s not what I see! Truly, it’s the other way around!

Your man is telling you he has too much stress with work, money and debt. Listen to him. He is not able to be in a consistent and committed relationship right now. He loves you, he likes you, he wants to have sex with you, but he’s not going to give you what you want because of issues he has in his personal life that he wants to work out first. Take him seriously.

Instead of wondering what’s going on with him or how to change him or convince him he can do other than he says, focus on [i]yourself![/i] If you continue seeing this man who gives you attention and affection, it’s going to be hard for you to find someone who will give you everything you want in a relationship because you’ll still be connected and committed to him — and eventually very unhappy about it.

My advice to you is to stop seeing him. You don’t have to make drama about it, but you do have to be clear with yourself and him in order to avoid unnecessarily hurt feelings. A clean break is easiest — in the long run. If you want to see him every three months for coffee, try that, in order to keep up a friendship with an ex. But you won’t be able to move on, if you don’t make the break.

In addition, you won’t give him an opportunity to work out his personal problems if you don’t respect his words and actions. For instance, if you give him a clean break, he gets to see how much he truly misses you and he can decide whether to solve his work, debt and financial problems in order to win you back. So, you see, by cutting off with him because of these problems he has, you’re actually giving him respect for himself, and a chance to be a real man, by fixing the problem, trying to win you back, and becoming the prince you deserve.

By telling him money doesn’t matter, you’re fooling yourself, and disrespecting him as a man. If he’s telling you money matters, to him it matters. Respect that. He wants to be the man who can be financially secure, and after all, isn’t that what you deserve?

[Member]

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