[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you’ve got a couple of issues here. Relationships and body image.

So, let’s start with relationships. At sixteen, you have lots of dating ahead of you, and whatever you’ve experienced in dating up to now is just a small fraction of what you’ll experience ahead of you. It’s very normal for you not to have been in a relationship up to now. In fact, lots of people make it to 18 or even 21 without having been in a relationship, so relax. You’ve got plenty of time to be in a relationship and have sex. There is no rush. Don’t manufacture one.

Second, relationships shouldn’t begin or end just because you want to have sex. Relationships that are going to be lasting and meaningful will be based on mutual feelings that include sex, but also include trust, intimacy, support — the man you’re going to be in a relationship with will make you feel good about yourself, and you’ll make him feel good about himself. You’re both going to have imperfect body parts and behaviors, but to each other, you will seem like you are terrific [i]enough[/i] because when you’re with the other person you feel terrific about yourself.

As for body image, I can’t begin to tell you how many people with perfect breasts (by media standards) feel that they’re not good enough. Your body tells a story of who you are and where you’ve been — from scars, to weight lost, weight gained, bones broken and wrinkles earned. If you can learn to love what you have, you’ll be in an amazing place. So many women would love to be your weight, have a flat stomach and thin thighs! Show off what you do have! And take a look at all the celebrities I listed in my prior post, who are small breasted or even flat chested, yet smile for the cameras and show up on the covers of magazines, in the posters for movies, and are all icons of beauty.

Lastly, if your parents are willing to support your breast augmentation or lift surgery, then you shouldn’t have a problem finding a good, board certified plastic surgeon in metropolitan areas. If your parents support this move, then consider going to a big city to have a consultation or two with some surgeons. Don’t go alone because it’s a good idea to have a second set of ears, so to speak, to listen and be there with you during a medical consultation for elective surgery. Be a good consumer, and shop for a surgeon who is right for you. Good medical care is crucial for any surgery, but it sounds like with your parents support, as a minor, you should be able to find qualified doctors who can help, considering you lost 100 pounds and your body has changed because of that.

If your parents are not willing to support you, consider their reasons. Invest the time until you are eighteen, or of legal consent for major surgery, working on yourself and being honest with the men you date about your feelings about yourself, about sex, and about relationships. Experiment with honesty. It sounds like you have no problem getting dates. Now practice intimacy by talking to the men you’re with about their feelings about you, sex, and relationships.

I’m quite sure you’ll have a rewarding and positive road ahead of you in every way, if you do this.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, be honest with your boyfriend that you’re nervous about making love in the light, but you’re going to do it — one way or another. If he understands that this is a step for you, my guess is that he’ll be understanding of your reticence.

Second, try being naked when he’s not there, in the light. Walk around your house naked. Sleep naked when he’s not there. Go into your kitchen and fix breakfast for yourself naked. If you can become more comfortable with yourself naked, it may be easier for you to be comfortable with him naked.

Third, ask for his help. Tell him you really want to do this for him, but you can’t just plunge right in — you’re going to need a coach, and you’d like it to be him. He may consider this not only to be a very sexy role, but a sign of your trust, and a building block to intimacy.

See if with those three tools, you can then begin to try making love with the lights on — with the understanding that at any point, if it’s too much for you, you get to turn them off. Only each time, try to go a little further with the lights on. You may only make it for a minute or two the first time. The second time, maybe five minutes. The third time, maybe a little more.

You don’t have to assume this burden alone. As your partner, it’s not just his privilege to help you over these steps, it’s his responsibility. There are sex acts that one person in a relationship is more comfortable with than the other person, all the time. The journey of sex and intimacy is about seeing what works for the two of you together.

And don’t forget that just because he’s older than you are doesn’t mean he’s better, more experienced, or right about sex all the time. Age is just a number, and you may find that there are things he’s hesitant to try — in the bedroom or out of it — that are natural to you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If your girlfriend is hanging out with a group of friends and there happen to be other men in the group, then you may be overreacting. I can’t say that she should be reporting in to you whenever she hangs out with a group of friends and there happen to be men in the group of friends.

It sounds like the bigger problem is that you’re not getting enough attention from her. If that’s the case, then consider wooing her more. I know that’s an old fashioned term, but the reality is that women love to be attended to and made to feel special. Maybe you’re waiting for her to make you feel more like a boyfriend, but the solution is that you need to make her feel like more of your girlfriend.

Roses or flowers are a great way to make a woman feel like she’s special. Jewelry is a wonderful girlfriend gift to give. Other than that, love notes, meaningful gestures and adventures that you take her on like hiking, a road trip, or something else that’s special and fun. Maybe you should amp up the dates you’re taking her on and make them more romantic. In addition, you can initiate get-togethers with her group of friends and some of your own, too.

Consider that it’s possible that she’s feeling stuck in a rut in the relationship, too. Until one of you makes a move to dial up the romance, you’ll stay put. And that’s not where you want to be.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It’s wonderful that you have a big heart and you have a lot of love to give, but it’s probably best if you meet this girl and spend a little time with her before you tell her you love her.

The internet is a terrific way to meet people and connect and communicate. But when it comes to personal relationships the internet shouldn’t be the sole means of communication. In fact, nothing beats person to person. The problem with professing your love to someone who lives too far away to get together with in person, is that you may mistake your internet relationship for a real life one.

You sound like you’re young and have a lot of life ahead of you, so why don’t you try and meet this girl and spend some time together first, before you tell her that you love her. There’s no way she’ll think it’s creepy if you do it in person.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You are not wrong at all to dislike seeing your girlfriend grinding up against guys while dancing at a wedding reception. But since she doesn’t see it as wrong, it’s important to approach the subject delicately rather than telling her she’s wrong and you want her to change her behavior.

What you can say, or riff off of is something like, “I feel really jealous when I see you grinding up against guys on the dance floor. I know you’re just having a good time, but I think the guys may take it the wrong way — not just the ones you’re dancing with, but the people watching. Would you dance like that with me, privately, instead of in public? You looked really sexy, and I want that attention from you for myself — I don’t want to share it.”

That way you can acknowledge how sexy she is, because she was obviously having a good time expressing herself, rather than make her feel ashamed of the behavior. You can also explain to her that it’s[i] other people[/i] who may get the wrong impression, rather than blaming her for being so outgoing on the dance floor. Do you see how this takes the blame out of the issue, and suggests options rather than just having her stop doing it, altogether?

Next, I would really take advantage of this dirty dancing hobby she seems to enjoy, and set up your own private nightclub at home for a date night of dirty dancing between the two of you! It might be a great way to spice things up and give her an outlet for her sexy dancing fetish!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Trust your instincts. If you’re ready to settle down, and your girlfriend of seven months seems to always find something else to do rather than see you, and you feel like the relationship isn’t progressing, you’re probably right. Actions speak louder than words, so that regardless of what she says, she’s not spending time with you or making you a priority in a way that makes you feel like your best self.

My guess is that the guy friends she’s hanging out with may contain one or two guys she’s interested in romantically, and while she isn’t officially cheating, she’s probably enjoying these guys’ company. If she was totally committed to you, she’d make you her priority and make time for you more than once a week.

I don’t think she’s the one for you to marry. Check out my book, Date Out of Your League, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, and scroll down until you see the book. It’s not expensive, and you can read it pretty quickly. It will give you a lot of good advice, tips and hints on how to find a woman who is Ms. Right for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like she is getting over a break up and doing some healing, which makes sense when she says she’s not ready to date you yet. But it sounds like she is interested in you. She’s being honest with you that she’s not ready yet, but it sounds like she’s trying to get to know you so that when she is ready, you’ll be there.

My advice to you is that if you like her, continue getting to know her in this way, but don’t be too available. Women are attracted to men who know their worth, and if you throw yourself at her, make yourself too available, or heap on the compliments, you’re going to be “the nice guy” — who finishes last. It’s fine for you to wait in the wings for a reasonable amount of time, but don’t become “just friends”. After a month or two, ask her out again. She may be ready by then. And if she’s not by then, you’ll know she’s not really interested in anything more than just friends.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First of all, you shouldn’t call him or invite him anywhere. If he’s interested, he’ll call you. Don’t chase him. You need to be the one who is the prize that he wants enough to chase. If you don’t let that dynamic happen, and you start chasing him, even by just calling him, you’re going to be consistently confused and you’ll take away the opportunity for him to be the man in the relationship. So as much as you want to, don’t call him.

Second, you don’t have to be confused about his feelings. If he wants to see you, he’ll act like it. If he doesn’t he won’t. It should be really clear. When he calls, he’s interested. When he doesn’t, he’s not. It’s really that simple.

Third, and most important, it sure sounds like the two of you have been hooking up while doing a lot of drinking. People who are under the influence of that much alcohol are going to act differently when they’re drunk than when they’re sober, so if you’re confused by his behavior, you should try and understand that alcohol makes people do and say things they wouldn’t, normally.

If you do get together again, see if you can get together without alcohol — even if it’s just for lunch or coffee. If the only way and times you two can be together is when you’re both drinking, it may not be a relationship that can endure the long run. If you both don’t have alcohol issues, drinking while dating is fine and fun, but try to balance the dates where you’re drinking with him and the dates where you’re not drinking together. You’ll get to know each other and learn more about each other and yourself if you balance the drinking with the non-drinking dates.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your problem has very little to do with your boyfriend. Your problem has to do with you and your self esteem. You’re cluttering the problem with other issues to avoid dealing with it. So, stop talking about your boyfriend altogether. In fact, you can’t get well until you break up with him and find yourself alone. That’s when you’ll be able to do the work you need to get better.

So, break up with the boyfriend and don’t take his calls, or make any of your own. You need to let go of anything in your life that doesn’t support you — whether it’s a boyfriend, a friend, a relative or a neighbor. It’s obvious he isn’t interested in you any more, and you need to accept this and let him go.

Once you let him go, you’re going to be super sad and feel empty the same way you do now. So here’s how you help yourself feel better:

1. You need to focus all your energy on getting a job. If you’ve been out of work for six months, you’re going to be prone to depression. So, get a job. Even if it’s working in a coffee shop. You need someplace to go every day where you’re needed and where you can be productive and earn a paycheck.

2. You need to focus on your body. If you don’t exercise regularly, get into an exercise routine. Your chemistry will change and you’ll start feeling good about yourself — I promise. Eat well — no junk — and begin to really appreciate your body.

3. Take some pride in your appearance. Give yourself a manicure and a pedicure. Get a new hairstyle. Clean out your closet and get rid of the stuff that isn’t flattering any more.

4. Start surrounding yourself with supportive people. These should be girlfriends and family members. Go out once a week to a party, a movie, a dinner with friends — whatever it is, get out of the house once a week to something social. And if you don’t have anything to do, invite someone to dinner. Can’t cook? Make it a potluck.

You should start feeling really good about now, and you can start thinking about what it is you really want for yourself in a relationship. I STRONGLY suggest you buy and read my book, Think & Date Like A Man, so you can have a dating bible to refer to. You can read a chapter a day (they’re short!) so you know what to do and how to do it.

Remember, you can’t have a relationship if you’re not ready — and right now, you’re not ready. You have to do some work on yourself and you can only start that work when you dump this guy who you think you love, but who treats you badly. You’ll eventually figure out that men who treat you badly don’t love you and that you have the freedom — and the responsibility to yourself — to be treated well and to love well.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Believe it or not everyone has body image issues with some part of their body, whether it’s their nose, buttocks, breasts, tummy, height — you name it. An Entourage television episode on HBO highlighted one characters obsession with having calf implants because he thought his [i]calves[/i] were making him less attractive!

Some beautiful women who have small breasts and make the most of them are: Kate Hudson, Debra Messing, Cameron Diaz, Gwyneth Paltrow, Keira Knightly, Katie Holmes Cruise, Claire Danes, Calista Flockhart — and more!

If you want to have breast augmentation, it’s certainly available. But if you don’t, my advice is to highlight the parts of your body that you do like. For instance, if you have fabulous eyes and eyelashes, play them up! If you have great legs, pull out the short dresses! If you have a beautiful butt, show that off. The truth is that men are going to brag to their buddies about your assets, not your deficits — if they even notice them. Guys say, “My girls has such a great….(you fill in the blank).” Or they’re going to fantasize about your good parts.

The reality is that a man isn’t going to be in a relationship with you because of a body part, or lack of one. He’s going to be in a relationship with you because you make him feel good about himself. Breasts absolutely attract men, but if you don’t have them, then use what you do have.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Break ups hurt. A lot.

It sounds like you did everything right. But the reality is that not every relationship works in the long run. And you can only know and control yourself. It’s not clear what happened, internally, with your boyfriend, but he made a decision to pull away from you after the meetings with your parents. You can guess about the reasons for his distance and wanting to break up, but the bottom line is that he wasn’t ready or able at this time to move forward, and he’s right when he says you deserve so much more.

Your need to reconnect with him and tell him how you feel and try to save the broken relationship is all normal — but don’t do it. It’s not going to change him. Your initial instincts to make a clean break were right. So, write the letter, if you have to, but don’t give it to him. Burn it afterwards.

The good news is that you’re capable of love and deep feelings and that you want a relationship that is long term and monogamous. The other good news is that you only invested eighteen months and not five years at your age with this guy.

It sounds like what you did learn is that meeting the parents escalates things in a relationship. While the parental visits, for reasons you may not ever understand, tanked this relationship, in the right relationship, those visits could accelerate the relationship towards marriage.

In my book, Think & Date Like A Man, I write about how you can know when a man is serious about you. One of the ways is that he wants his family to meet you. A man who’s excited about his girlfriend will want to show her off to the world and make her his. It sounds like your boyfriend may have been avoiding this step because he didn’t want to get to commitment issues with you.

Figure out what you did right and wrong in this relationship and what you’d do differently next time. That’s part of the beauty of dating and being in relationships: you guide yourself towards a goal — hopefully a common goal with your partner — of a monogamous, long term relationship. I would strongly recommend you buy my book, Think & Date Like A Man, by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, then scrolling down to the book and ordering it for $14.95. If you read a chapter a day, the book will hold your hand through this healing time, and prepare you for getting back out there into the dating world and playing the game again, this time with a winning finish. The book is a quick read, but because you’re healing, you may just want to read a chapter a day and savor it. The crux of the book is knowing yourself, what you want in a man, and then I help you navigate the things you don’t and didn’t know about men and the dating world, and get Mr. Right.

You’re going to be fine. You’re going to get through this time of break up sorrow and healing. And you’re going to find someone who feels you’re the prize he was always dreaming of, and would do nothing to jeopardize a relationship with you. I promise.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Here are a few tips and pieces of advice for handling this kind of situation in the future, and for setting boundaries between visits from male friends and visits from male dates or boyfriends:

1. Invite your male friends over in the daytime. End the visit before the sun goes down. Granted, this guy could still have behaved badly during daylight, but there’s something about dinner, a few beers, and night time that spell out: date. He may have thought he could turn the visit into a date. If you set the daylight boundary, that’s less likely to happen. Not impossible, but less likely.

2. Call him a cab. If you have to, you pay for his cab ride home.

3. If you ever feel that you have to lock your bedroom door in order to be physically safe from a “guest” you’re in an unsafe situation. Call a friend or family member to help you get the person out. If you have to, call the cops. This may seem drastic, but I assure you, your friend won’t try this shenanigan again if he feels he can’t get away with it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Dating is a numbers game. You have to date often to find the one man who is your Mr. Right. This is a lot like sports. Most ball players known for their super hitting ability strike out a lot! But the important thing is that they get up to bat, take their swings, and get a shot at the home run hit. If you don’t get up to bat — a lot — you’re not going to have that shot at the home run hit.

When someone, like this man in his 30s, behaves very clearly with his actions, in a way that shows he isn’t interested in dating you or pursuing you further, he’s giving you the strike out sign. You can ignore it, waste your time, chase him, even get him to sleep with you, and then wonder why he’s dating other women, three years into the relationship where you have to chase him, you only see him when he has time, and you’re wondering why he doesn’t show you a commitment. Don’t ignore the signs along the way. If he says he likes you as a friend, that’s a strike out! Go back to the bench. You’ll get a chance at bat again with someone else.

What you did was try and create a fantasy relationship. You may think in your mind he likes you more than he does, but his actions are very clear. If he says it’s up to you to call him, invite him out, and then “we’ll see”….well, if you can’t tell that that’s a rejection you need to read my book: Think & Date Like A Man. You can save yourself a lot of wasted time and heartbreak by clicking on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of this page, scrolling down to the Think & Date Like A Man book, and purchasing it for $14.95. It’s a bargain at that price because it’s going to help you get on the right road to dating the right men who want the right things for you.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Try to see through your hurt and disappointment: You had a win here. You got what you wanted. He’s agreed to let you meet his family and to meet yours. Call off the lawyers.

I know this win is not packaged the way you want, and you and your husband are probably both bruised emotionally from the process, but bottom line: he’s agreed to meet your family and to have you meet his. Rather than be hurt, brush your tears away, thank him and admit [i]your mistake[/i]. Tell him how grateful you are that he’s willing to do this reciprocal and mutual visit with the families, and what a mistake you made in not being honest about what is important to you, sooner. Tell him that you promise him to try and be more in touch and open about what’s important to you, rather than just assuming things, in the future. And show him how much this means to you. He feels like he’s given something up. It’s your turn to show him with affection and love how appreciative you are. In other words, be a very gracious winner.

The crux of the problem here is that you assumed — wrongly. This can be avoided by being in touch with your own needs, being vocal about them, and compromising.

What you’ve learned is that family is not very important to him, and not in the way you thought it would be. Your mistake. Now, you have to understand that if you want holidays or annual family visits, you have to take responsibility for them in the relationship. This is pretty traditional, that the wife plans the social life for the couple. And this is a new role for you. Buckle up for some bumps along the way, but keep your sense of humor about this transition.

For the future, you have to think hard about what it will be like to have children together, and how much or little you want either family involved. You can’t control the future, but you can start a channel of communication about it with your husband. And even if he’s not willing to dialogue about it now, [i]you [/i]can start thinking about it.

Quit assuming in the future. Use your doubts or questions as a way to learn more about yourself and your husband by expressing them and asking frank questions. This will also bring you closer to your husband, promote intimacy, and believe it or not, bring you a better sex life because that’s what the best sex is based on — mutual knowledge, trust and respect.

You had a bump in the road. You’ve made progress. Now muster up all the grace and affection you can, and infuse your marriage with it.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Your intuition is correct. Something isn’t right. I know you can’t go back and change what happened, but It was a big mistake to marry someone without meeting their parents, or having your parents meet them. Parents, siblings and other relatives are an important part of knowing who it is you’re marrying. You can learn a lot about what your life will be like with someone by meeting their family. It also makes a lot of sense that if you’re both crazy about one another, enough so to get married, you’d want to show off your new fiance to your family. I’m not sure why either one of you didn’t feel the need to do this. If it was just your husband who hadn’t introduced his fiance to his parents, I’d understand more, but the fact that both of you kept each other from your mutual families is perplexing. Even if your husband was on the outs with his parents, there are always aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings — someone from his side of the family who he’d normally want to introduce his new bride to.

It’s possible that he hasn’t even told his parents about the marriage to you. It’s also possible that he told them and they disapproved of the marriage for some reason, so he’s keeping you from them so they won’t find out. But you’ll never learn the truth from guessing.

If you think he’s using you for political purposes, like getting a green card, or for some financial purposes that I don’t really understand, you aren’t going to be at peace until you know the truth. You may want to consult an attorney to find out the possibilities of what could be going on so you’re more educated about the situation.

My main advice is to gently but firmly press your new husband into a mutual meeting of each others’ parents. Instead of getting into a power play that ends in a fight, accept his suggestion that he’s been waiting to meet your parents first before introducing you to his. Then, you should introduce him to your family first, since you’re the one who is wanting to meet his family, and then he should reciprocate by introducing you to his family.

[Member]

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